Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

If she wanted blow by blow you'd no doubt moan she's over invested and intrusive.

To be fair reading that I would most probably not know what to do with the information! She perhaps feels to scared to comment... you are clearly a prickly sort. Poor woman.

Sounds like she cares and will call you later.

Bit of a shitty conversation to have over text to be fair, could you not have called her?

It is really shit going through an experience most do not understand. And people’s responses are often dismissive, to you, because there’s this huge gap between your experience and their understanding. I completely get it but I’ve voted YABU because the only person this is causing issues for is you - there’s little point (though it is very hard not to, I appreciate that) ruminating on people’s lack of understanding/empathy ineptitude/clumsy attempts at comforting.

I thought she was being nice to be honest.

Going off your other threads it’s obvious you are suffering from anxiety.

A c section at 36 weeks is really very common. So is a diabetes test. I think the response is ok to be honest.

I'm sorry you're having a worrying pregnancy, OP. But honestly, I'd have been deeply pleased at that from either my mother or my MIL, both of whom are terrible catastrophists who would have been at me 24/7 with hand-wringing and novenas and Mass cards. Which means, of course, that I never tell either of them anything, even when I could really use a shoulder to cry on. But someone who magnifies your worries and tells you they were awake at 3 am worrying about your foetus, is really not who you need to be around when you're already worried.

Best wishes for the gestational diabetes test and the birth.

I can kind of see what the issue was - even though the message was polite.

If her son had sent that message about himself - the response would have been a lot different. More along the lines of ‘ah son that sounds shit hope your ok. Thinking about you.’

Your just her DIL. The woman who’s with her son and the mother of her grandkids. That’s it. Like most of us are.

Her reply is absolutely fine. It's not dismissive nor is it gushing. I don't think there's very much more she could say really.

I hope all goes well with the rest of your pregnancy.

It's a completely harmless and well intentioned response. There is nothing snarky or passive aggressive about it, no lecturing, no negativity, no endless questions you don't have the energy to answer, no challenging of anything you've said. What's the problem?

I think the woman is probably terrified of saying the wrong thing so she's keeping things brief and pleasant but not over-involving herself.

I imagine you would have 'hated' and over-analysed whatever she'd said. You have enough on your plate, try not to imagine or create problems where there are none.

She hasn't had long to digest the information.
Do you normally have a good relationship?
I'm not sure I would know what to say either.
Sorry you're going through this...

You are the problem here not your poor MIL

You've had a difficult time. Your pregnancy is not the magical experience of celebrity Instagram pics. It's real. It's scary. It's uncomfortable and quite rightly, you are anxious and stressed. Your stressful pregnancy does not diminish your love and desire for your very much wanted baby. But it's a tough time. And you're right to honour and acknowledge this.
Looking at your MIL's text, I think she feels that the less she says, the better. And if she frames her words positively, that helps you feel less anxious. She's trying. And if she's failing, well, that's not anyone's fault. She IS trying. Take it for what it's worth: loving, well-intended words that slightly miss the mark and don't meet your expectations. Lower the bar, OP. Try and just dial back on everything and concentrate on bringing a healthy, beautiful baby into the world. It's better for your health over all. There's nothing bad going on here. She is on your side! Don't lose sight of this.

Her response is fine.

Your message is a bit weird and cold, though.

Her reply is lovely to your rather emotion loaded message. I wish she was my MIL :)

sorry for the difficulties you've been experiencing I think that is just a standard cheery, well meant reply at a time when it is hard to know what to say.

I understand why you might want a bit more substance and support but that could easily tip over into interference in her position so she is probably just trying to keep it light and kind.

The reply is fine.

According to your post, you've only recently shared most of the details of the pregnancy - your choice - but it's the bit about instructing her on the kind of response you want. That's unreasonable, she will have her own feelings on the matter and she's entitled to them.

I see another poster has mentioned anxiety, which could be the cause.

But as for those of you calling the OP names - back off a bit. OP is clearly worried and afraid. And going by the message it sounds like vasa previa, which is a precarious situation. AIBU is such a bloody cesspit at times.

LaLaLandIsNoFun
over-reacting much are you?

OP has disappeared because 97% of MNters think she's being unreasonable and she wanted us to tell her what a bitch her MIL is...

Sorry gor what you’re going through op, but I personally don’t see anything wrong with her answer. Some people might not want to push you for more info in case it upsets you more. You’ve already told her the next steps, so not sure what you would want her to say.

Stop expecting her to instinctively know what would leave you feeling the least anxious.

Gently intended, this.

Just because you would prefer a specific type of response, doesn't mean she's programmed to supply it.

My MIL is VERY different to me, and I have no right to expect her to be perfectly attuned to what I want her to be in any given situation. Nor can I demand that of anyone really.

(also, she's not a doctor, and reading it I only really got my head around the comfort chocolate bit... it's a long time since she's given birth, and even that doesn't mean she gets the lingo...)

I cried when my husband failed an exam that could have cost him his job once. It was a shit response and not the support he needed, and to be honest it came out of the blue because I'm not normally crier.

Bottom line? You can't stage manage people to give you exactly what you need from them. Some people are good at it, and that's great, some people are terrible. It doesn't seem that your MIL falls into either camp neatly.

There’s no need for name calling when someone is clearly anxious and worried. Pointing that out is not over reacting.

I think it is ok but can also understand your pov OP. You might find it easier to chat on the phone about stuff like this with her. Both messages are quite short and sweet and don't really convey what I imagine are the full extent of both of your feelings/thoughts about it.

Well, thanks all for taking the time to comment. DP is quite pleased to be right and I guess that the problem is that people like different types of reactions and I didn't get what I liked most. In this thread, there were what I find to be extremely supportive answers to my questions (while still saying I was being unreasonable) and other answers extremely unsupportive (but still answering my original question, so thank you!). Supportive people didn't need to be, as this was not the point of the post, but they still were (as it is probably part of their personality) and resonated much better with me. I guess it's just my preference.

Anyway - again thanks a lot for the insight.