Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mil text reply. Aibu?

499 replies

Lalla525 · 17/04/2020 13:16

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

Mil text reply. Aibu?
OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
crustycrab · 17/04/2020 13:45

I don't know what's wrong with her reply either. Stop trying to create problems where they don't exist.

What do you think she should've replied?

okiedokieme · 17/04/2020 13:46

Reply seems fine to me too

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 17/04/2020 13:46

There is nothing wrong with her answer. She is trying to keep you calm. It isn't dismissive and you have already told her what the next steps are. You are reading stuff into this which really isn't there.

pigoons · 17/04/2020 13:46

I'm going against the grain here and saying its dismissive and not very thoughtful / empathetic. It is a reply that is completely at odds with your original message which shows how worried you are.

A better reply would have been - 'I'm really sorry to hear that you are having such troubles, it must be very hard not to worry. I'm here if you want to talk. Sending you much love' or something similar.

However, in fairness it may be she doesn't really understand the seriousness of what is going on or doesn't know how to respond so all i would take from this is that you cannot look to her for support moving forward

planningaheadtoday · 17/04/2020 13:46

I had IVF for my first two children. With my second baby I had difficulty with the placenta identified at 24 weeks meaning an early delivery by C section later on.

Looking back I felt so vulnerable and I really did see things in one way, my way.

You are going through this hell along with corona virus in the mix. It's going to be doubly worrying.

From someone who's been where you are (many years ago now), I'd say her response is fine. Text conversations are hard anyway.
She probably is worried sick about you and wants to keep it light and brief.

Wishing you all the love and hope for a healthy baby. Being relaxed really can help, not with the diagnosis but it helps reduce the stress hormones on the baby.

ExclamationPerfume · 17/04/2020 13:47

Her reply is fine. You sound very over sensitive over nothing.

IHaveAMagicBean · 17/04/2020 13:47

What do you want her to say? Because she has replied, nicely, not hysterical, not dramatic and not careless.

I don’t know if you’re hormonal or just a bit attention seeking.

Just enjoy, relax and carry on regardless. Honestly, if a non comital reply upsets you that much, maybe texting isn’t for you.

Flyinggeese · 17/04/2020 13:47

OP this seems OK to me. You can't control how people speak - that's just too much - if they're not being rude which she isn't.

May be worth bearing in mind the generation gap too and perhaps it's a little too much gyne detail to share.

Celeriacacaca · 17/04/2020 13:48

I imagine you're feeling very vulnerable at the moment and sensitive too, which is understandable but, really, your MIL's response is fine and not at all dismissive. Having not told her not much to date, to give such detail seems surprising.

Be kind to yourself, and to her, and look ahead to the lovely times you'll share when your baby is here.

OrwenOrdduOrgoch · 17/04/2020 13:48

Her reply was fine. Sorry you are having such a hard time.

Fairylillie · 17/04/2020 13:48

I think that's a nice reply too. I'm also wondering why you're eating chocolate when you're worried about diabetes testing?

Useryokyesno · 17/04/2020 13:49

Sorry you are going through a difficult pregnancy. I think you are not being reasonable. But I mean this in the nicest possible way. You are obviously emotional and distressed so perhaps not very level headed. Your mil is probs just not great at support and knowing what to say. My mum is a bit like this.
Sometimes when people don't have much experience of the situation you're in or similar are just crap at putting themselves in others position. Flowers sending love

MitziK · 17/04/2020 13:49

I'm sorry you're having a shit time.

However, I have absolutely no idea what veins exposed means - which ones? I'm guessing it means you are likely to bleed a lot if you go into labour? - and your text suggests they're dealing with it by booking you in for a section before that can happen. So it's all in hand, you're being looked after well.

So I'm not sure what else she could have said other than ask if chocolate is wise if you're being tested for GD soon apart from exactly what she did say.

HarrySnotter · 17/04/2020 13:49

FFS. So you clearly don't like your MIL and are looking for ways to be pissed off. Seriously, there's nothing wrong with her reply, it's a nice one. You need to get a grip.

TightPants · 17/04/2020 13:49

Another vote that YABU.
She sounds lovely, and by your own admission you’ve not involved her until recently.
You may have a boy OP - then you’ll see the tightrope MILs walk with their DILs!

Tink2007 · 17/04/2020 13:50

As someone who regularly has issues with MIL - I can’t actually see her having said anything wrong.

Though I wouldn’t go into that level of detail with mine.

Candyfloss99 · 17/04/2020 13:50

Nobody but you is ever going to be interested in your exposed veins.....

Useryokyesno · 17/04/2020 13:51

I'm really saddened at how harsh people are being.its a really hard time anyway. having and uncomplicated pregnancy right now would be hard enough let alone alone with complications. Jesus have some empathy

Cheerbear23 · 17/04/2020 13:51

I think it’s fine, trying to be kind / supportive to you.
Realistically what would you have wanted her to say in response? My impression is that your part is quite medically detailed so I don’t know what anyone could say in response to that unless they were of a gynaecology background?

Fifawidow · 17/04/2020 13:52

I do like when a MIL post turns into an OP bashing pmsl but yeah your being a bit of a princess!!

BlingLoving · 17/04/2020 13:53

OP - you're clearly feeling vulnerable. But yes, this text is fine and is 100% the response I would have gotten from my Dad in such a situation (without the emoticon).

Agreeing it's all shit is not really his thing because he believes in just getting on with it - is it agist to say I think that's true of a lot of the older generation? Also, he would see comments like "Oh, that's really hard, poor you" as being total platitudes and not in the slightest bit helpful or genuine. Frankly, I agree with him.

She also hasn't said, "it will be fine" or anything equally benign.

She sounds like she cares, is trying to be respectful of your boundaries and is pleased to be updated.

Bluesheep8 · 17/04/2020 13:53

I thought that emoji meant open arms/hug Blush. Nothing at all wrong with her reply, it's kind.

Supersimkin2 · 17/04/2020 13:53

You're panicking - NBU.

You think everyone else should panic too - BU.

SureTry · 17/04/2020 13:53

Consider yourself lucky that's from your MIL. My DM does those blanket/tone deaf replies even after I've poured my heart out to her.

Starlightstarbright1 · 17/04/2020 13:53

Op- she is not been dismissive.

If you wanted to have a conversation you should have called her.

What kind of reaction you like????? I might ask different people different things- some people give a blunt opinion, some ask loads of questions , some listen - point been I don’t get to choose how people respond to any information I share.