Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

OP, I understand how you feel. When I told my SIL about my daughters serious illness, she replied "It might not be that and if it is, there are treatments". I think she was trying to be positive and supportive, but I didn't want that. I wanted "im sorry that's so shit. how are you feeling?" or something. I really hate when people say overly positive things like it will all be ok, look on the bright side, some people have it worse etc. I try never to be like that and anknowledge that people feel shit and it's valid.

I don't own the condition and I know 1 in 5000 people have it. So with billions of people on earth nobody is denying a space for you in the team. It was just that did not add up. But if you had not read my various posts in which it is mentioned, then probably you didn't know until later on, which is fine.

Yes, it was probably a worrying experience for my mil as well (regardless of the severity of the complication). And I would acknowledge that if asked at the time. I would not have replied with "i had worse, you'll be fine". But again, everybody is different

@TabbyMumz honestly, why are you trying to prove you had a worse experience? Nobody is denying you that. And honestly, I'd much prefer you win in that department. I would sign up for the better experience in no time. But my feelings are valid. Even if you had worse. Period.

And you do not need to have had a worse experience to show you can empathise. You can do so regardless. And you can acknowledge people's feelings regardless of how bad you had it. Because in all honesty, you had vasa praevia. And a shit mil. But you wont have had ALL the bad experiences in the world. And empathy is exactly that. Be able to feel even if haven't been through that first hand. You dont need a CV full of shit experiences to acknowledge and empathise with people

"@TabbyMumzthe reason for my comment about the 50 years is because you did not just share your experience"

I didnt necessarily want to share my experience on here. I have been forced to due to Taddda claiming I couldnt possibly have had it. It's made me quite cross actually.

"Which would have been totally fine and very much appreciated (and still is). But you repeated a number of times that "in all likelihood all be fine".

Because in all likelihood it will!!! You may not see this now, but I hope you will in the future. Medics really do do this all the time. You will be in safe hands.

And you said stuff like "if it was that serious, they would find you a spot",

I was actually starting to doubt you, as you said they wouldnt have you in because of covid...I was thinking if you have this, they will absolutely need to find you a bed. I now see that you are not as far along in your pregnancy as I thought you were, you mentioned 28 weeks? I was thinking you were nearer to the end.

"many people had difficult pregnancy".
Well, unfortunately they do. I wasnt trying to lessen your experience, more put it in perspective.

"honestly, if after 19 pages you can't see how I would find it hard to get such comments, then no, I dont think I would ever want to open up with you."

Apologies but I didnt read all 19 pages, but please dont blame me for what other people have said to you.

"People are different and I'm not claiming to be right. But I do have the right to choose who to open up with and I can see how your attitude and mine would be very incompatible"

Fair enough, that's your choice. Personally I think I had more of a hard shell than you. Perhaps that was my coping mechanism. Honestly, all these years later, I dont even think about that pregnancy, perhaps when people have gone through very scary things, it's easy to be flippant afterwards.

I’m sorry you’re going through such an awful stressful time

I think you are directing your anger, upset and frustration at your mother in law. I really think that text is fine. She’s not a mind reader.

I hope that everything goes well for you. xx

"Lalla525

@TabbyMumzhonestly, why are you trying to prove you had a worse experience? Nobody is denying you that. And honestly, I'd much prefer you win in that department. I would sign up for the better experience in no time. But my feelings are valid. Even if you had worse. Period.

And you do not need to have had a worse experience to show you can empathise. You can do so regardless. And you can acknowledge people's feelings regardless of how bad you had it. Because in all honesty, you had vasa praevia. And a shit mil. But you wont have had ALL the bad experiences in the world. And empathy is exactly that. Be able to feel even if haven't been through that first hand. You dont need a CV full of shit experiences to acknowledge and empathise with people"

Lalla, I was not trying to make out I had a worse experience, I was trying to prove I'd had the same, because I was being doubted!!! When people tell you you cant possibly have had something, which you and Taddda were trying to do, my defence position was to explain more of the detail to prove my point. Lalla, my last perspective on this is that yes, it's a very serious condition, and yes, you will go through the mill with all the worry that goes with it, but hopefully you will come out the other end fine.

You have actually tried to belittle other peoples experience, but fair enough, it's your thread.

I have actually had a lot of shit experiences since this, which has also maybe lessened my ability to sympathise more with people currently going through it. I do sympathise with you, was just trying to let you know that lots of people do go through this, and lots of people come out ok.

I do not think it is unreasonable to wanting to hear "yes, its shit and I'm sorry". But for some reason the preferred way seems to look at the positive. And maybe for 90% of people that works. It just doesn't for me.

I get it OP. Happy clappy positive-thinking responses don't work for me either. Actually, they make me mad because it makes me feel like the issue is being dismissed as a nothing.

A similar (less serious than yours) situation I had: I recently had my second baby. First DC was a very traumatic and fast labour, baby tangled in the cord, and I also suffered a vascular bleed and major PPH from a tear. This time round a 34 week growth scan revealed that the baby was breech and quite big. This sent me into a bit of a panic because if i went into labour with a breech baby and it was too quick for me to get help/get to hospital, at all or in time for a section (also DH isn't contactable at work, and family are not local, so I'm on my own with DC1) then the odds of that working out well for me and the baby were not great.

At 36 weeks my DM said "at 36 weeks the baby is still flip flopping up and down a dozen times a day. It'll be fine!"

This really, really, fucked me off. Mainly because she's wrong, and because actually I needed her to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation and help me formulate a plan in case that happened, how would I deal with it, etc. I didn't want to speak to her about my pregnancy anymore after that and did shut down a bit.

Anyway, DC turned over a few days at 38 weeks and when they scanned me to confirm it had turned, they realised she had stopped growing at 34 weeks and was really small, and I was induced. Being small meant she had room to turn late, and I was in hospital for the whole of my labour (my second stage was indeed very fast). So it all worked out fine in the end.

But that's a really long-winded way of saying that I get it. I hate those sort of messages your MIL sent (although, like you, I also understand that it's from a good place. It's just not what I need). I too sometimes withhold stuff like this from friends instead because I can't be bothered feeling more shit. I prefer support along the lines of 'how to mitigate the bad thing', not total dismissal that there is a bad thing going on. Different things work for different people.

I hope you and baby stay well until 36 weeks.

@TheGlaikitRambler

Oh my gosh. I got diagnosed with a really rare endocrine disorder. (Actually from the incredibly rare pregnancy problem I had) this disorder means I have to live life a new way. I could have a crisis and die at any point. Which is always a good one oh and because of the rarity. Drs usually haven't even heard of it. Let alone how to treat it. Which makes it even more fun!!

But I will always remember one of my closest friend going. Oh well. Take the medication and you'll be fine!!

If only it were that easy.

Leave your dh to the communications

For what is worth, I think your last couple of comments show much more empathy than your previous 10. I'm sorry for what you went through.

Ultimately, I can log off mumsnet if it becomes too much. I can not log off a dinner in real life if it becomes too much
Says who?
Have you ever tried it though. sometimes it is beneficial to work through things in order to realise that you are stronger than you realise, rather than avoiding situations, which reinforces the reverse. You could call a friend on the phone in any respect. I am concerned that you are shrinking your world unnecessarily.

It seems like a nice reply from her.

But to be honest, she probably doesn't have a clue what to say after your "I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine" comment. She's probably worried that anything she says will be taken the wrong way/upset you.

YABU twice. Once re. MIL and again for saying 'we' re. Your pregnancy.

Lalla, apologies if you thought I didnt have much empathy, I think in hindsight, your whole thread is about you needing that empathy at the moment (understandably so), and unfortunately I'm one of the ones who came along with a bit more gung ho attitude, ie come on, let's get on with this type attitude, as I've been there. I'm a cup half full type of person, and always look for the positives, which helps me through things. Im not one to wallow too long in unhappiness. Im not trying to be one better than you, but to explain what I mean...years later, my partner had a brain injury. He cant speak well, understand things, and we are on a completely different path to before. When experts told me he can no longer read, my first reaction was "right, I will teach him". When they said he will struggle with , x, y, z, my reaction is that We will get through. Just like you will get through. I wish you all the best.

Hi folks - we've had a few reports that this thread is becoming a bit fraught in places and so we're just dropping in with a reminder of our Talk Guidelines. We really do understand how difficult things are right now but we must ask that you remember that there are real people behind the posts, and to treat other users with the same courtesy you would have if you were sitting (two metres...) across from them.

Thanks.

Tabby was it placenta praevia or maybe even placenta accreta that you had? Slightly different but more common condition, terrifying as mum's life is every bit as at risk as the baby's. Very scary.

For most, pregnancy is rainbows and flowers but for some, it is a terrifying experience.

Please OP at least set up a chat topic along the lines of your condition and being so anxious about it. It's much gentler than Aibu and you will get the empathy that you need. And, in future, really consider opening up to a friend about your worries.

This really, really, fucked me off. Mainly because she's wrong, and because actually I needed her to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation and help me formulate a plan in case that happened, how would I deal with it, etc.

I think this shows you people can never win as people’s needs are such a random chocolate box of wants, there’s a 99% chance their response will be ‘wrong’.

In the case you have put forward you were essentially after your MIL to problem solve for you. If I had of given someone the same information and they had started problem solving for me in the same way you wanted your MIL to problem solve for you I would have been fucked off as it would have indicated to me that the person either didn’t think I could adequately problem solve or they could do it better, neither of which would have sat well. I think a lot of it is hard for people as well when things don’t make sense. If I had someone at 34 weeks distraught because there was a massive risk to themselves and/or baby from here on in if they went into labour and couldn’t get to a hospital on time it would be challenging to say anything that wouldn’t cause upset. Very difficult to believe an ob would seriously believe this and then let someone riddle out of the hospital to take their chances from that point on as protocol would be to either keep in hospital from that point to be in immediate access to required care if necessary or perform a c-section immediately at that gestation.

I had one of mine who was diagnosed with several life threatening issues in-utero which also involved a risk to myself after a point. If they survived they would need several complex life-saving surgeries with an uncertain long term prognosis. I believe the key is not expecting any ‘correct’ reaction from anyone, it’s really unfair and sets everyone up for failure and certainly not conducting some odd hissy fit if you believe they got it wrong. Again, everyone is so different and random in what they like in regards to responses it’s impossible for everyone to be able to know what this is and match it.

Sometimes texting does not cut it, sometimes you have to speak to people, there is very little nuance in texting!

It's hard to know what to say. I had a scan late on because midwife thought my baby was breach. He wasn't but they said I had to much fluid. I then had to have glucose tests, another scan, check on baby twice. And was told I would have to be induced. When I told my mil about needing tests she just picked up on induced and said ohh so might see baby earlier then. He was in hospital for a month with a floppy layrinx and she never came to visit.

Have you been in contact with this charity? They offer support. They are also extremely optimistic about outcomes where the condition is detected by ultrasound.

vasapraevia.co.uk/

The outcomes of infant survival rates following ultrasound diagnosis are very heartening. 98% + survival rate. I appreciate that you may not want to hear this, as you were after sympathy/recognition of your anxiety, rather than reassurance that 'in all likelihood it will be fine'. But hopefully it will help to reassure you. As a final point, you said earlier that you didn't need a 'friend to go shopping with' in order to help you. However, as someone who has suffered from a lifetime of anxiety, I would actually urge you to accept any offers of distractions from others (under ordinary non covid19 circumstances). Anxiety only increases the more that you try to reason with it/problem solve. Distraction is actually the keep to unlocking anxiety. Often after a break from it, it subsides, at least for a few days. So even if you perceive that your friends can't emphasize with your exact situation, they will still understand that socializing/meeting up for a coffee/going to the cinema etc can all help with lowering anxiety. I can highly recommend The Feeling Good handbook by Dr Burns, which is widely used by the NHS/Priory etc. It's a very Accessible and practical book. Also, I recommend that you ask to meet one of the anaethesists ahead of your c section. They will tell you what to expect and offer reassurance. And you can ask for a rolled up towel under your head as a makeshift pillow and take in your own CD to listen to during the C section. All these things can help reduce anxiety, which often manifests itself in the fear of the unknown.

Sounds fine to me. What should she say? The emoji looks like she's interpreted that as a cuddle.

Op I commented earlier and have skimmed the responses since which seem to have gone off on a tangent but I picked up on this:

I need two things. People acknowledging my feelings and people helping me to formulate a sensible plan which i can focus on (and be able to talk though again many times)

There's nothing wrong with either of those needs. The only thing that might be a problem is a) articulating then in the right way and b) articulating then in the right way to the RIGHT PEOPLE.

ultimately there looks to be tension between you and mil and you have a clear understanding of your needs. It's a tricky situation with no exact answer but based on your earlier comment you're not wrong to have and express your needs.

I have nothing concrete to add other than to say that really.