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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mil text reply. Aibu?

499 replies

Lalla525 · 17/04/2020 13:16

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

Mil text reply. Aibu?
OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Taddda · 18/04/2020 12:11

@TabbyMumz Grade 4 previa/ vasa previa are extremely rare conditions- how can you possibly 'think you might have had it'? I was seen daily by several consultants, anesthesiologists, daily bloods ready for transfusions, scanned every 3 days....for 5 weeks.

I was on an antenatal ward and not one of the other ladies who came in presented with the same condition, nor were in there for the same amount of time, and there must have been near 100 in and out....

But you 'think you might have had it'....? And several other women in there did? Right Hmm

Dont bother responding

TheSmelliestHouse · 18/04/2020 12:14

Seems like a kind reply. Not sure what you were expecting her to say.

TwistyHair · 18/04/2020 12:14

Yes I hope you’re ok OP. I really don’t think you’re being demanding to know what is helpful for you re emotional support and what isn’t. There’s a lot of information out there about this. Most recently I read a book by Kate Murphy I think on how to listen properly. It was a good read. Also brene brown on vulnerability. It’s clear from this thread that most people feel deeply uncomfortable with vulnerability and would rather be mean to you than try to see things from your point of view.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/04/2020 12:30

@lalla525

I've RTFT and I think you come across as very thoughtful & self-reflective. I also think that while there have been many kind and well-written responses, there have been some really nasty & judgemental ones, and I'm sorry.

Your post about not getting the emotional support & responses you hope for resonates with me.

As another poster pointed out, this can be multi-faceted. Sometimes people feel drained by having listened to problems a lot - I've had a rotten few years & I know people stepped away from friendship with me because I think it was too draining for them. It's hurts but I get it too.

Also, some people have (which is good) not experienced loss & pain like others have & it sounds like you've had a very tough few years. They just can't empathise.

Finally you sound a bit like me, you live in your head & perhaps over-think things. You probably care deeply about others - I'm like this and while that can be good, without meaning to, you can 'expect' the same from others & they are blithely unaware of this.

It's tough. 💐 I've no immediate solutions as I'm figuring it out myself.

I would say, if / when the time is right, some counselling might help. I'm doing this and just having a space to be listened to is very helpful.

In the meantime, I hope all goes well for you & baby. I can imagine you'll worry until baby is here safely - there's no easy way around that. Try to remember the chances of going into labour before 36 weeks are v slim. Your medical team are doing all they can to protect you both ❤️

BackseatCookers · 18/04/2020 12:46

So yes - I am petrified. And no, "all will be fine" it's never going to help in this case. And if the answer of all this is that i need counselling because i dont find "all will be fine" reassuring, then really I'm at a loss.

The aim of counselling is not to get to a point where you think 'all will be fine'. The aim of counselling is to work on coping mechanisms to help you cope if and when all isn't fine, which is a completely different thing.

I shared some quite personal experiences on this thread earlier and I'm not sure if you saw them, but lots of people have tried to share experiences and it's not because they're playing one upmanship or seeing to invalidate your experience, it's because they are displaying empathy for going through the awful time you're going through.

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 12:46

"Taddda

@TabbyMumzGrade 4 previa/ vasa previa are extremely rare conditions- how can you possibly 'think you might have had it'? I was seen daily by several consultants, anesthesiologists, daily bloods ready for transfusions, scanned every 3 days....for 5 weeks."

Oh my goodness, why do you think you are the only one to have had a serious condition. I know exactly what you are talking about. Why on earth do you think I didnt have it? That's just crazy. I too was seen several times a day by consultants, in hospital for weeks,had blood at the ready for me etc...just crazy that you think you are the only person to have ever had this. I lost loads of blood and needed several transfusions. Whilst I was there, there were 2 other ladies with the exact same thing. I really dont understand your reasoning when someone tells you this and you are like "bag it's only me that had this"?.

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 12:47

Not "bah, that should have been "nah".

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FaFoutis · 18/04/2020 12:50

Taddda that really is bananas. You don't own a medical condition.

PurpleFlower1983 · 18/04/2020 12:52

It’s fine.

BackseatCookers · 18/04/2020 12:58

@Taddda

Your message to @TabbyMumz was vile. She's been through something traumatic that you yourself have been through. Even if you didn't think she had exactly the same condition (which I'm assuming from her post she did and just didn't describe every detail of it) sending such a dismissive and rude message to someone who clearly also had a traumatic pregnancy and birth for whatever reason reflects so poorly on your character. Really horrible.

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 13:00

So Taddaaa, two people on a forum can have it, but not 3. I am really interested in your reasoning here as to why you think I couldnt have had it. And why you think only you and the op have ever had it. That's just crazy. I had issues right from the start of my pregnancy and was diagnosed with it at 20 weeks. I had to stay in hospital a month before giving birth in case something went wrong. I bled from the start of my pregnancy to the end. I was told if I started labour I would be dead in 5 mins from bleeding, and so would the baby. They had blood for me on the ready the whole time I was in hospital, which had to be replaced regularly. Consultants came to see me regularly and I had to have internal scans every 3 days. I needed those blood transfusions in the end and was on watch for 3 days after birth. So...dont dare to tell me I dont know what I'm talking about. And yes, there were 2 other ladies in there at the same time as me with the exact same thing.

Taddda · 18/04/2020 13:03

You stated you 'think you might have' @TabbyMumz - it's not a condition that would have left you in any doubt...

that really is bananas. You don't own a medical condition.

@FaFoutis No, but I know if I had one or not, and what it was!

Original poster
Lalla525 · 18/04/2020 13:04

That's quite a lot of new replies (and I'm taking a break from the cooking).

A few comments

  1. first off, thanks to everyone who shared personal experiences. It's surely not easy and I really appreciate it.

  2. @Taddda, they are not admitting me now (28 weeks) because of needing to balance the risks with covid. I have another scan booked at 31 weeks and they will then decide whether to admit me or not. In other circumstances, they surely would. But the consultant told me it needs to be balanced with the risk of covid and also, they cant really guarantee baby would be out in the 5-10 minutes required, so it would be basically be a lot of risk of covid, for very uncertain outcome. But decision is mine, and as you can imagine, I really dont know what's the least of the two evils.

  3. @tabbymumz, in your various posts you managed to show exactly the behaviour I am running away from. Some people will like it, I really dislike it. Bet it was not your intention, but it would never be my choice to open up with you. 50 years of me going to counselling wouldn't do it.

  4. thanks all for the well wishes. Really hope things turn out fine. I'd rather hear 'see, no reason for all that worry and stress, I told you' rather than 'when's the funeral'

OP posts:
Zhuleva · 18/04/2020 13:05

Her reply is fine. You’re being sensitive, but that’s not surprising

Gtugccbjb · 18/04/2020 13:07

My mums like this. Annoying but it’s just her personality 🤷🏻‍♀️

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 13:14

"Taddda

You stated you 'think you might have'@TabbyMumz- it's not a condition that would have left you in any doubt..."

Taddaaa
"I said that before I saw she had named the condition for God's sake. I was going from what she wrote in the initial text. "
I know what I had. I've never come across someone like you who thinks they had a condition but no one else ever has?! That's just crazy. Can you not see how crazy that is? When I was in hospital I asked how regular they come across someone with this condition and the midwife told me they usually have at least one, but at that particular time, I was one of 3. I got to know one of the other 2, but never met the third lady.

cultkid · 18/04/2020 13:16

@Taddda, you are deliberately misunderstanding what @TabbyMumz is saying.
She is saying she's thinking she had the same condition as OP

Not thinking she was sick
Don't be like that 🙄

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 13:20

"@tabbymumz, in your various posts you managed to show exactly the behaviour I am running away from. Some people will like it, I really dislike it. Bet it was not your intention, but it would never be my choice to open up with you. 50 years of me going to counselling wouldn't do it."

OP, people just handle things differently. I knew my pregnancy was high risk, and I knew the severity of it, but I just had to get on with it. Everyone's different. Your last comment was really nasty sorry, saying 50 years of counselling wouldnt make me open up to you. That's really mean, surely you can see that. I was only telling you my experience. After the birth, people just want to know that you are ok. Years later, if I mention to people what happened, they dont go "oh my god, that's terrible", they are just like "oh, right". Doesnt mean they are being thoughtful, people just dont know what to say to that. It's just human nature.

Original poster
Lalla525 · 18/04/2020 13:24

I don't know whether @TabbyMumz had it. However, if you did have it, and particularly if you went through all that you are claiming, I really can't understand why on earth you would say something like

"You said your mil had her son at 35 weeks, so she's been there".

And you said that well after I named the condition. My mil had a premature baby, not vasa praevia. If you knew my condition and with your experience, that sentence is really quite disconcerting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalla525 · 18/04/2020 13:31

@TabbyMumz the reason for my comment about the 50 years is because you did not just share your experience. Which would have been totally fine and very much appreciated (and still is). But you repeated a number of times that "in all likelihood all be fine". And you said stuff like "if it was that serious, they would find you a spot", "many people had difficult pregnancy". honestly, if after 19 pages you can't see how I would find it hard to get such comments, then no, I dont think I would ever want to open up with you.

People are different and I'm not claiming to be right. But I do have the right to choose who to open up with and I can see how your attitude and mine would be very incompatible

OP posts:
Hoggleludo · 18/04/2020 13:33

Ha. I beat you all!

I had a condition that has only ever happened 282 times.

EVER!!!!!! I spent nearly a year in hospital after the birth of my first. Who was born weighing 2lbs!

This thread made me laugh. I beat you all!

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 13:35

"You said your mil had her son at 35 weeks, so she's been there".

"And you said that well after I named the condition. My mil had a premature baby, not vasa praevia. If you knew my condition and with your experience, that sentence is really quite disconcerting."

I hadnt seen that you named the condition until Taddda started saying I hadnt had it.
Yes you said your Mum had a baby at 35 weeks. I dont know why she had it at 35 weeks, but dont you think that would have been worrying for her? Even the slightest bit? Dont you have any thoughts how that might have went for her in those days,? I personally think she would have been through the mill a bit, hence my comment "she's been there"! Lots of people have worrying pregnancies and births, and it is absolutely scary. You are absolutely not alone. What you are going through is more risky than a lot of other pregnancies, but you are not alone. Do you also think only you and Taddda have had this condition? And that I couldnt have had it? I find that quite disconcerting actually.

Hoggleludo · 18/04/2020 13:36

Btw.

My post was a joke. What I went through wasn't

But you're all. I was sicker than you were. I was going to die before you are!

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 13:39

If you think your text from your MIL is bad, when I went to my MILs house to collect my child after one particular bad bout of bleeding, and an emergency stay in hospital, my MiL wouldnt even come out to say hello and ask how I was. They didnt visit me in hospital (I was in there a month before birth and a few weeks after) and didnt visit the baby till he was 6 weeks old. So I do know what I'm talking about when I say people just dont know what to say.