Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

It’s a response you send to someone that your not that close too so it depends on what emotional support your looking for.

If it was your own mother i would expect the response to be better.

You haven’t involved her so she probably feels asking what the next steps are would be considered invasive. She is being neutral as she won’t ever do the right thing in your head.

Sounds like you were fishing for a dramatic response tbh. Her message is perfectly fine. If she had been more invasive in her reply you would be on here angry that she was poking her nose in!

36 weeks isn't that early. I realise you're probably still in shock because this isn't how you wanted the pregnancy or delivery to go. But in reality you are well off knowing in advance and being able to access a planned cs and the medical care post delivery. Compared to a lot of complicated or dangerous pregnancies you are actually very safe. Focus on that it will help your MH.

Sorry you have had such a rubbish time op. But In all honesty there is nothing wrong with that message, she’s not a mind reader, she’s not to know exactly what you would have preferred. Neither has she done the breezy ‘oh it will be fine’ that you’ve told her you hate. She’s doing her best, even if it may not be the ideal response that you’d want.

Wishing you a safe and healthy conclusion to your pregnancy.

I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

You sound quite rude tbh. Your MIL comments were fine and unintrusive.

All the very best with your pregnancy, especially at this very challenging time.

Perfectly normal reply from mil. (Can't understand your issue at all !)

YABU. The answer is fine; you’re being oversensitive because you’re anxious, but that doesn’t mean you can take it out on her (whether to her face or behind her back) because she doesn’t answer in the way you want her to.

Also, stop with the “we”. There is no “we are having a difficult pregnancy” or “we will have to give birth prematurely” because your partner isn’t pregnant and he isn’t giving birth.

To be fair your text doesn't lend itself to a warm response. You've just stated some facts in very brief sentences. You usually get out of a conversation what you put into it.

She probably has no clue what some of that means. You are over-sensitive and over thinking it.

I had twin pregnancy via IVF, developed both vasa previa and placenta previa. Hospitalised 28 weeks, bled several times and almost had emergency c section 28 weeks and had c section planned but bled again so had emergency C section with two premies, one who unfort had to have breathing support. I am sorry you are having tough time but I read the message 10 times as I was trying to work out what was bad about it. At first I thought it was the bit where someone said - I am having a diabetic test but comfort eating chocolate comment - you were being critical of...but then I realised that was you!! I am sorry you but it is very clear you do not like your m’n’law. I bet she feels dammed if she does and dammed if she doesn’t. You are sounding very tricky. It must be the most stressful time to be pregnant now. I am so sorry but I think you are being way too hard on your m’n’law and hubby.

Massive over reaction on your part. Sorry you are having a tough time but it smacks a bit of being very precious indeed.

I think it is a nice reply. Your comment on chocolate does make the message seem a little less serious so she may have taken this as a subtle hint you didnt want to have a serious conversation about things.

Reply looks fine to me. Shes probably trying to be positive to stop you from wallowing - if she had replied OH MY GOD THATS AWFUL would that have made you feel better?

36 weeks is technically premature but right on the cusp and your baby may well not have any more complications as a result of being delivered early than a term one. My DD was born at 36 weeks and all she needed was photo therapy for jaundice, which I believe term babies sometimes need as well. Try not to worry.

Thats a lovely response, she's not delved too deep and asked questions, but sent hugs ( and bloody hell I have no idea there is a jazz hands hug, didn't know there were any different.) I think that she has sent the perfect response, what a lovely person x

How much nicer do you want her to be? There's nothing wrong with that reply.

Wait, they're jazz hands?? I use that meaning hugs all the time

OP her response is sweet

There's nothing wrong with her reply. YABU.

Do you want ppl pussyfooting round you and being scared about your reaction.

OP my MIL and I have very different attitudes as well (she texts me weekly gushing texts about how this baby is a miracle and the most amazing thing to have ever happened and how it’s going to be THE BEST BABY EVER etc and then I annoy her by going ‘yeah I guess’ - she is very extrovert and when she goes OTT I compensate but massively downplaying!) But through that I know it comes from a good place and your MIL’s sounds like it does too. Personally for me the way you said about comfort eating chocolate - I would have read that as ‘I want comfort right now’ and as a result would have text back something along the same lines as her message.

I completely understand that it’s a super stressful time for you but honestly without background to the contrary her reply does sound like she’s trying to make you feel supported. She’s not saying ‘it will be fine’ - she’s thanking you, trying to offer a helpful suggestion about staying calm (understandable given the update which sounds pretty nerve wracking stuff) and signing off in a way to assure you you don’t owe her any further messages if you don’t want to send any.

Maybe she doesn't understand it's worrying .. my mum is a bit dappy like that .. your tone isn't very clear to be fair .

In the kindest possible way, as I know how stressful a complicated pregnancy is, YABVU.

That’s more detail than I would have given my MIL, but that aside, her response is absolutely fine. A lot of people wouldn’t know how to respond especially if you’ve already made clear you hate certain types of answer. The poor lady is probably trying her hardest to say the right thing whilst being sufficiently supportive and yet not intruding. Give her a break!

Honestly - she sounds lovely. She is not prying, she is not making it about her, she responded quickly.
Sorry you are having a difficult time but don't look for issues where there aren't any. That way madness and depression lie.

I personally think thats a lovely reply

I know what you mean OP. I also don’t like dismissive texts like that. But I think you need to change your expectations of who you can count on to understand what you need and who you can’t. So people like your MIL, just expect quite surface level texts like that. Most people have no clue about active listening and what to say in emotional situations.

Just because you are having a difficult pregnancy doesn't give you the right to be rude to people. I had a very premature birth (28 wks) & even at my lowest point I didn't take it out on anyone.

Get in touch with a Bliss counsellor, they are the premature baby charity. You will need a strong network after the birth and people dropping off food for us was a God send. You need to proper counselling.

www.bliss.org.uk/

To be honest, you sound a bit needy.