AIBU or is my neighbour

[Unluckyinlove2]

Just need some perspective at the moment. I live in tiny Top floor flat. Have 2 kids aged 2 & 3. I’m a single parent working full time from home due to what’s happening. It’s a shit show. They don’t do much all day but watch tv as I try to work between feeding them and taking care of their needs. We might do some lego or some jigsaws but nothing structured.

Since lockdown has began my new neighbours below me have knocked on my door every single week to inform me that they can’t get any work done due to the jumping and noise my kids are making. I apologised every time and explained I’m trying my best and that I had never had a noise complaint before I’m assuming cos we were always out. She seemed quite understanding but She has now resorted to leaving me written notes outside my door still complaining. To make matters worse she has filed a formal complaint to the council.

I can’t see any way around this. I’ve tried my best to get them to stop running around. I put them to bed at 6pm so this is daytime noise. I’m trying my best in an already difficult situation. If this pandemic wasn’t happening my kids would be in nursery and I would be at work. Instead we are cooped up in a flat with no garden constantly worrying about if our movements are too loud.

AIBU on telling them to back off and be a bit more understanding cos at this point i feel like they are bullying me

I think your neighbor is being really rude & no you are not being unreasonable. She has zero understanding of your situation clearly, if I was your neighbour I'd be asking how I could help not complaining. Some people are arseholes

OP - I meant to say, get the Neighbourhood App, people on it always seem helpful

Tell them to stick it and don’t worry about it. Miserable fookers. This is not normal times and the kids can’t get out in a garden. They need to get over it and the council won’t do anything because you have a bloody good
Excuse and it won’t last forever. Some
People are just tedious. Don’t worry about it.

It’s horrible having constant noise in a flat above you. She needs to do her work. You need to take your DC out for a walk and give them quiet activities to do. You can’t just let them run around.

If we weren't in the current situation then I would say to buy rugs, be quieter etc but I think they're being totally unreasonable!

Definitely explain to your council about the complaints and especially about them banging when your DCs cry. You are not playing loud music at night time or having wild parties.

Definitely take them out for an hour each day just so you can have some fresh air too and they can burn some energy off.

I would completely ignore all their letters, I would be tempted to screw them up and put them on the doorstep.

I would be tempted to put a post on the local FB page asking how you can keep your DCs quieter because of the complaints. Hopefully, they will see the replies and realise they're being unreasonable.

OP I feel for you so much. I have sen child too with sensory needs. He jumps and bounces a lot. My neighbour complained last year, I said they're just children playing on their bedrooms, but I will try to keep the noise down. Spoke to my landlord about it and he said oh dont worry, they complain about everything. You have children, they make noise. He can see my children are well behaved, polite etc. I live in a house too so you really must be struggling, but honest, forget her. Atm your mental health and earning a wage to feed your babies trumps everything. From one single mama to another, you can do this.

It sounds like you doing a fantastic job during this difficult time. All you can do is do your best and it really sounds like you. People are dealing with hideous stuff during this pandemic. There’s is WFH with some noise, yours is single parent WFH with two toddlers. I know which I’d prefer. Great that everyone’s staying safe at home. Keep doing what you can. It’s a really tough situation and you are doing a great job.

Keep the notes and a diary. Contact the council, say you're aware your neighbour has complained about the noise and you've done your best to resolve the issue peacefully between you but you feel now that she is being unreasonable.

Explain your situation. The council will not take action against you.

Then write your neighbour a short letter:

Dear neighbour,

I was both saddened and disappointed to hear that you have lodged a complaint re: noise.
As explained previously I am also working from home with 2 young children who would ordinarily be at nursery/school.
This is a difficult and worrying time compounded by the fact that we have no outdoor space and live in a multiple occupancy dwelling: there is no way around this situation so unfortunately you will need to exercise more patience, for your own sake as well as ours.
If you continue to harass me in this manner I will have no alternative but to contact my solicitor for advice.
It's a shame you have chosen to sour our good relationship in this manner but you leave me no alternative under the circumstances.
Please do not knock or push any more notes under my door as it is entirely inappropriate.

Kind regards
OP.

I'd say you're doing a brilliant job. You work full time and look after your small children alone. I honestly wouldn't let this neighbour get to you. We're not talking about kids 7 & 8, are we! Your children are probably just the same as any other their age. They play at home just as they play at nursery. I can't imagine the nursery teachers telling them to be quiet, stop running, stop singing, stop laughing etc.... I wouldn't worry about her complaining to the council either. For any investigation to go any further they would have to come to hear for themselves. So unless they are playing your music at full volumn (while you are working) I'd say the noise is normal kids noise. The last thing you want to do is keep telling your kids to Ssshhhh, be quiet. The neighbour sounds like a control freak.

You are doing amazingly. It is not possible to work and parent at the same time in any kind of satisfactory way. The fact that you are managing to do this to whatever extent you are is heroic.

You do, however, need to take really good care of yourself because this is a marathon not a sprint. Getting fresh air and exercise, preferably in nature, everyday will help you to stay sane and help the kids to stay regulated.

May be chose a time each day to be noisy time and put some music on, dance, sing run around the flat together so that then they feel more happy to chill out and play quietly. You could let your neighbour know when it will be noisy time so they can be ready. With noise stress it’s often the lack of predictability that is most stressful

If you can get a bit of a routine to the day you could let your neighbours know when you will be out for exercise and when it will be quiet time so they know when they can get down to some serious work.

Your kids need to be kids though and they can’t completely suppress their instinct to play, jump, laugh. Nor should they. Play is essential for their development.

Don’t forget to take time to enjoy having them home too. Your manager should understand that you can’t be completely focused on work during the day.

I really feel for you trying to juggle it all on your own. It can’t be easy but you are managing the best you can and doing great (prepping meals the night before? - very impressive).

Look after yourself - it’s essential.

You are being harassed.

Definifely make a complaint. Keep a diary of them banging and harassing you. How long have you lived there? There weren't complaints before so they are probably the issue - not you.

Do not stress about them. We all need it make adjustments to our current reality.

They sound awful. I hope things improve.

This is a nightmare scenario on both parts. I really feel for you being cooped up with a 2yo and 3yo while trying to work.

Equally I lived in a flat with children overhead and it was like noise torture.

It sounds like you both herd to flex a little and accommodate each other.

Can you agree to a certain time each day where the kids will not run around to give them some respite?

I think with some people there is no pleasing them. This sounds like one of them. Therefore no real point in trying to make them happy.
My understanding of this is that you are entitled to use your property and that a certain amount of noise is expected from day to day living especially where there are children. So long as they aren’t screaming all over the place there is very little your neighbour can do. Possibly complain to environmental health (who at more normal times might install monitoring equipment) are highly unlikely to do any thing other than ask her to keep a diary.
I would suggest that you tell her you are doing your best, but have the right to the use your property and will consider any further contact as harassment and will be reporting her.

Och, you poor thing. You are clearly doing your best, and this is an added pressure you could live without.

If you want to try to keep the peace with these twats Ask them what time suits them for your exercise and take the kids out then, also you ask your landlord for insulation sound proofing lots if flats have shit insulation
You sounds like you are up against it, and doing your best, they are thundercunts

Are you actually managing to work from home, or are you just trying?

If you can get work done, it's unlikely that the children are being excessively noisy, more that their noise is travelling through the floorboards in a way that makes it sound much worse. In that case, you do need to look at soundproofing because the impact on your neighbours isn't fair. You did say you were looking into this, but as the council are involved now, I wonder if they can be of any specific assistance re what measures are actually likely to succeed?

In the short term, if you are still on speaking terms with your neighbours, I think you need to discuss what you can both do to try to live together more harmoniously. Could you or your neighbour change the room you generally work from and/or could your children be predominantly based in a different room? Could you agree a set time for some daily exercise, so if you go out for the same hour each day and your neighbours go afterwards, they effectively get two hours of respite from the noise. Getting a break will make them feel less frustrated by the end of the day and less likely to lash out and bang on the ceiling, which in turn will make you less stressed.

You're never going to be able to totally soundproof a flat with kids in it, but there are measures you can take (with your neighbours' co-operation) to try to make living on top of each other a bit less painful.

They are toddlers, not soldiers, she's the one with the problem. You're trying to bring up children and work, in a situation that none of us could have ever imagined. I grew up in a flat and tbh you just have to put up with other families as they do you. Don't stop your children playing or being children because a couple of adults can't cope with noise, suggest earplugs.

People like your neighbours shouldn’t live in flats! Tell her the noise is what it is and will probably only get worse over time. Her working from home is her issue not yours. You have been polite up until now but I’d cut all communication with her as she’s unreasonable. No one has the right to dictate how people live in their own homes to suit themselves! Within reason obviously which is why the council have guidelines which in no way include loud children. X

I'm so sorry, OP. It's very unkind of her to complain to a single mum with two toddlers about the noise they are making. If you can order rugs, that will help, but otherwise it's not your problem. I would suggest an honest word with your employer about their expectations of you. You can't work a full day while parenting two toddlers.

Don’t answer the door to her! She sounds like a bully - any notes she’s posts through don’t read just throw them away

I would have already lost my shit with her if that was me. What does she expect you to do? Tell her to order ear defenders.

@blue25 I must have missed where the op said she just lets them run around all day?

What kind of person bangs up to a crying toddler?

What a nightmare for everyone including the kids! Maybe I’m wrong but can you be furloughed and could you survive on 80% wage (maybe less outgoings now?) so you can just take the pressure of and enjoy time with the kids? That should reduce the noise levels somewhat as they’d be more involved with you. It’s hardly fair to leave toddlers unsupervised or you trying to concentrate with that going on. If that’s not an option, can your boss be flexible with when you work? Eg do it when they’re in bed or nap times or an hour then a break to play? Some post’s I’ve read from people are managing about 5 hours work a day and being paid pro rats for that, so maybe that’s an option?
The kids will be used to some structure in nursery around snack time and quiet time or story time so maybe you can set up various activities beforehand for them to do at regular and predictable points during the day. Frankly I think you should be allowed to take them out more than once a day when you’re in a flat with no outdoor access as of course they need to play and can’t be expected to sit quietly in front of the tv for 8 hours a day!! I don’t envy you one bit but think of it from the kids perspective too eh

If you took the kids out every day, I'd have more sympathy, but you've said you don't. Your neighbours shouldn't have to put up with your kids' noise when you won't even take them out every day. You're being unreasonable.

Order ear plugs from amazon to her address no you are not being unreasonable