AIBU or is my neighbour

[Unluckyinlove2]

Just need some perspective at the moment. I live in tiny Top floor flat. Have 2 kids aged 2 & 3. I’m a single parent working full time from home due to what’s happening. It’s a shit show. They don’t do much all day but watch tv as I try to work between feeding them and taking care of their needs. We might do some lego or some jigsaws but nothing structured.

Since lockdown has began my new neighbours below me have knocked on my door every single week to inform me that they can’t get any work done due to the jumping and noise my kids are making. I apologised every time and explained I’m trying my best and that I had never had a noise complaint before I’m assuming cos we were always out. She seemed quite understanding but She has now resorted to leaving me written notes outside my door still complaining. To make matters worse she has filed a formal complaint to the council.

I can’t see any way around this. I’ve tried my best to get them to stop running around. I put them to bed at 6pm so this is daytime noise. I’m trying my best in an already difficult situation. If this pandemic wasn’t happening my kids would be in nursery and I would be at work. Instead we are cooped up in a flat with no garden constantly worrying about if our movements are too loud.

AIBU on telling them to back off and be a bit more understanding cos at this point i feel like they are bullying me

contacting council & explain situation & state you have tried your best but your neighbour keeps ending these notes through & its intimidating
I have visions of staff at council tearing up these (hundreds of) complaints & making a game of how many of these we receive today. If they are not working at home or off or whatever. Do your best if you can afford & get hold of rugs & they help fine. Problem is modern flats don't seem to be built with proper soundproofing & that isn't your fault

I think you can do basic stuff like shoes off in the house (maybe get them to wear slipper socks or something), put a rug or mat down, and take them out for a daily walk (maybe after lunch to run off some energy, followed by home for quiet time / a nap). But otherwise she’s being a bit unreasonable, and bordering on harassment.

To the posters suggesting I get rugs I have them all over the flat. They have also complained about my kid waking up at night and crying. To which they bang back up as if that will help him back to sleep 🙄

Nonetheless I’m so desperate at this point I will be looking to try get some rubber mats that some have suggested. Also Im trying the daily walks but some days I’m too shattered. My 3 year old does have SEN and she has some sensory seeking behaviours however I don’t really want share this with them. Council services are not fully running but have had my housing officer call me and tell me they have made a complaint about me. I do feel to counter complain but honestly
I don’t have the mind space to play any games. I’m sinking as it is.

I have LVT flooring. They seem quite thick however don’t seem to be helping with the noise

Post ear plugs through their letter box. Then ignore

Could this possibly be a good thing if you could get moved into a little house? There is no way they can kick you out with no where else to go and a top floor apartment isn’t the best place for two little children. Maybe ask housing officer and say that the neighbor is stressing you out

Tell them that unless you swap flats there’s not much you can do to completely stop normal household noise from travelling

It sounds like your neighbour is not cut out for apartment living. I think you will just have to ignore her. Maybe send a note back saying you do x, y and z to mitigate noise and a couple of pics with prices of noise cancelling headphones. I understand you’re shattered. Do they see their father at all? Could he come and take them for a walk? I think if not, it is important to get them out. Little children need to run off excess energy as you know.

You can only do your best OP.

They sound vile. Banging on the ceiling when your child cries.

I don't think they'll ever be happy. Openly explain your side to the housing officer.

Honestly OP you can’t do anymore.
I’d personally write a frank, passive aggressive note explaining the unprecedented circumstances we are all living under and describe the floors you have and then say you would be open to practical suggestions on how to limit the noise with little ones? Stress that you understand her objections and how you hope life will return to normal soon.
I’d go as far as to post it recorded delivery and send a copy to the council too.

They are being unreasonable, hugely unreasonable.
Write to them telling them that at this point, you feel their complaints are bordering on harassment and they need to stop. Make a counter complaint if you have the energy but understandable if you don’t.
Then go on about your life. You get your children down by 6pm? They’re having a laugh, aren’t they? Who the hell bangs on walls when a child is crying? 😲 Tossers.

OMG, this would tip me over the edge, you have my every sympathy OP.

I suppose the only thing you could do which might help a little bit is to have a chat with them, find out when they go out for their exercise, when they are eating their meals or other times they are NOT working.

So, if they work when you are out, or when you are eating or really engaged with the children then that goes a little way to reduce the problem for them (because regardless of whether you can help it or not, it IS bothering them).

I by no means think you should be bending over backwards to accommodate them, but for the time being you DO have to live near each other and being on better terms is far better than being at war.

Banging when a child is crying during the night tells you what sort of thick cunts they are!

Anyway OP. I would do as a PP says-

After that I'd write her note and lay it out. Tell her that you are sorry but you are doing your best in a difficult situation that has been brought on by this lockdown and you can do no more. it is difficult for everyone. Tell her you will not be reading anymore notes.

But I would also add that you will consider any more notes or contact from her as harassment and will be reporting it as such. And then do! Don’t throw away her notes. Keep them all, and keep a diary of all her knocking and banging the ceiling. And please do tell your housing Officer she is doing all this.

This sounds very stressful for you. Is being furlouged at option for you so you can look after them? Walks, activities etc

Tell them to fuck off. Politely, of course.

You're doing your best during a fucking pandemic. They can invest in ear defenders if they're that unhappy. Tell them that.

Your neighbour is definitely not cut out for apartment living! Our neighbours on the same floor have a 3yo and a baby and I sometimes hear the 3yo kicking off or the baby crying. That’s what kids do. In the short term I think your focus needs to be on trying not to worry about the neighbours. They are seriously living in a dream world if they think that it’s reasonable to expect an office-like silence in a residential building in these circumstances.

Perhaps the council or housing officer (not you) can suggest they get themselves some noise-cancelling headphones. I wear these at home and at work and they’re brilliant. It’s their issue to solve from this point though.

Is taking your children out early in the morning an option? Before your day gets started? Mine are older now but I sometimes take them out for a run at the moment, like walking a dog I go to an open space near us and tell them to run around.

That's really awful - what exactly does your neighbour expect you to do? Lovely isn't it - you are stuck in a flat with two toddlers, and rather than show a bit of empathy, they are complaining about the noise. Really helpful.

Its very difficult, Im surprised that the flat is allowed LVT flooring and you aren't contracted to have carpets? Did it have carpets when u moved in? Is it rented or yours? If its rented then can you discuss with your flat owner? Obviously though nothing is going to change at the moment so all you can do is take them for a long walk daily and hope it tires them out (and cbeebies is your friend)

sorry, and I don't want this to sound mean but I think you are being a tad unreasonable expecting a 3 and 2 year old to entertain themselves/sit watching tv while you try to work at home full time! Especially if they are used to being active at nursery. I think that you are going to have to review the "working full time" issue while you are at home, it clearly isn't going to work and your children will ultimately be the ones to suffer.

It's not your fault, you have tried, but with the best will in the world you can't do both. Living in a flat there is going to be noise, and sadly for your neighbours at the moment there will be day time noise even if you are engaging with your children full time . It's what it is. At the moment your lifestyles are clashing , it won't be for ever. All you can do is try to resolve the noise from your end by taking the kids to the park , or maybe playing in different parts of your flat if possible, on their part the neighbours will have to adapt by using headphones and/or being a bit more understanding.

Could you both compromise if there is a particular time of the day when they need things a bit quieter because they are video conferencing or something, and you could use that time to be out and about., they could then accept some noise at a different time of the day.

Oh God you poor thing. It is a nightmare, I have 2 but I’m not on my own so it is easier but still a juggle.

I can see both sides, she definitely needs to stop being such a dick and be a little more understanding of the situation, but I think you maybe need to make a slightly more concerted effort so she feels like you’re doing something. Which in fairness until getting some suggestions on here you might not have thought there was much you could do.

If you’ve wooden floors 100% get some rugs down (ikea are still delivering I think) it’ll be cosier first you too.

Also agree with tiring them out if you took them out for a walk pre lunch and did them something stodgy and low sugar for lunch do you think they’d nap? I’m guessing they stopped a while ago - could reinstate. If not that the walk and stodgy might mean some quiet TV watching in the afternoon.

If you live in a flat or house with neighbours who have children then noise is part and parcel of that.

And in truth we have no idea how much noise the OP’s children make, some neighbours are just arseholes.

I live in a terraced house and on one side my neighbours play the piano, badly, and the neighbours on the other side have a toddler who screamed for the first two years even in the middle of the night. This is life, and in truth you can never predict or control how much living someone else has to do.

Personally I would ignore her or just post her notes back through her letterbox. Although ignoring would be better, that will be far more stressful for her than it is for you.

I had a horrible neighbour when I first moved here who complained about everything. If I had any music playing she complained no matter how quiet it was. If my dog barked just once she would come round and demand something to be done, even though they had a dog which barked day and night and was so aggressive it had to be shut outside when people visited and could only be walked, muzzled, at night.

She reported me to all sorts, environmental health the RSPCA, who weren’t interested, she eventually confronted me when I arrived home one day and stated that it wouldn’t be happening again, that all of the neighbours had come to her demanding she do something about me because I was such an awful person. On and on and on she went, long enough for me to record the exchange on my phone. When she stopped for breath I told her that I was recording the conversation and we would have to see what the police said about having her charged with harassment. She literally started screaming and ran into her house. And never spoke to me again. Result.

After she moved I found out that she’d fallen out with all the neighbours in a similar way and that as I’d not long moved in I was a new victim. And the people who bought their house ended up threatening to take them to court over details which had been miss sold.

If you don’t like noise then you don’t move into a flat. You’re on lockdown with two toddlers. You don’t want to be in this situation anymore than she does. I’d point this out to her. She needs to suck it up

That is awful banging at your floor/their ceiling I imagine if your child is crying! Agree with pp, hopefully if your housing officer sees this build up of harrassment they will support you to move.

I was in this situation many years ago. Dh took a job in Somerset and Ds (18months old) and I joined him for the summer. We had rented the top part of a huge farmhouse. The downstairs neighbours were an elderly couple who’d had the run of the place for years ... and hated us on sight! Constantly complaining about the little one making noise above them ( we bought rugs, wore slippers etc) ripped down our washing line (we had ‘too much’ washing😳) Threw broken glass and stinky muck all over our parking place and declared the ‘shared’ garden to be theirs...
My son and I spent so long roaming the streets to get out of there, I was a human sat-nav and I dreaded wet days when we couldn’t get outside. I used to carry him from room to room so they couldn’t moan (but they still did, even when we’d been out all day 🙄)
Is there any chance you could stay somewhere else op? Or could your children, just so they can be normal and enjoy themselves?
It’s 33 years since my miserable summer, and thankfully Ds doesn’t remember it - but I always will. Those horrible people ... I was in my early 20s, miles from home, alone all day - and they were utterly vile to us.
If you’ve really honestly done all you can ... either you move - or they do!
Best of luck 🌸