To have lost temper with 5 year old

[Awfulmum1304]

I've just lost my temper epically with 5 year old DD over hair brushing. Needed to comb her hair and she absolutely would not co-operate. Shouted at her and sat her between my legs with them wrapped round her. So she starts clawing and elbowing and biting me. I had her hair in my heads and she kept yanking her head away then screaming at me for hurting her. She carries on lashing out so I start yelling/screaming at her to stop. She is screaming at me and deliberately makes herself sick but manages to pull away at which point she is lying on the floor so I straddle over the top of her to get her hair brushed. My full weight wasn't on her but she wasn't able to get away. Was still shouting at her and had a very firm grip on her arm to stop her hitting and elbowing me so I'm paranoid I've bruised her and I have certainly psychologically wrecked her.

I feel utterly awful and was struggling with low mood anyway. How do I fix this? I hate losing my temper and i feel like I need to call SS to keep her safe from me 😭

Ffs where is she going that she needs her hair brushed that much?
Pick your battles.

I picked the battle over it yesterday and let it slide but it's thick ringlets and was starting to get matted. It was either i got it brushed or it got chopped off

how often does this happen and is it just the two of you

Did her hair need brushing that much, OP?

I don't think it was worth the drama imo.

I think you need to pick your battles and model how to respond calmly and irrationally. By all means insist on brushing her hair but do so calmly without turning it into a physical power struggle - you need to let her calm down (there's no reasoning when she's irate) then talk to her about it and try to find a way to brush her hair in a way where she feels she has some control over it - not turn it into even more of a trauma.

That said you lost control and messed up - everyone gets angry and there's no long term harm done. I'd apologise to her for losing your cool and try to come up with a way of avoiding a situation like that again.

To this extreme it's never happened before. I tend to do a shouting losing rag once a month or so. It's me, her and her sibling.

Coming curly hair really freaking hurts. That may be the issue

Just finger detangle when dry but only ever comb it when soaking wet and with loads of conditioner on it.

Hope that helps.

She isn't damaged by it. We all lose it occasionally. No-one is hurt. You are doing just fine

Have you tried getting her to brush it herself? DD5 is horrible about her hair, i got mad one day and told her to do it herself..... she got even madder, really struggled and now let's me do her hair because she knows how bad it is!

If this is a common thing could you maybe put her hair in plaits so it doesn't need brushing everyday?

When you have both calmed down, consider whether this was a necessary fight.
I kept my dd's hair short until she was old enough to be sensible - around 7 or 8. Also helped with the inevitable head lice from nursery and school.
You sound very worried about your loss of control.
Everyone is stressed at the moment. Is there anything in particular that is making this significantly worse for you? Are you able to go outside for exercise. for example? Do you have severe money worries?
There will be others here that might be able to advise/help with those issues.

My 4 year old can be the same. I bribe her. Easter eggs are great. Or get her settled on my knee with tablet and then just start brushing. Or i tell her its brush or we cut it. Only once had to get the scissors out and she immediately settled. Can you plait it so it doesn't need doing so often?

You don't need to call SS. You need to tell her you are sorry and that you were wrong to shout like that and make her feel scared. Later on (I wouldn't use the same conversation) you can discuss a solution to the hairbrushing problem. My DD hated having her hair brushed. We did two things. Firstly I told her a slightly exaggerated story of how mine had got all tangled when I was little and my mum had to cut it all off and if she didn't brush it she might end up having to have it cut off. The second thing was to let her brush mine. This helped her see it doesn't hurt, it also gave her to skills to brush her own. Now (age 7) she brushes her own hair and can do basic things like pony tails herself so no drama.

Nothing about that was acceptable but you know that. It sounds like the whole thing has become about more than just brushing the knots out of her hair, can you give her some of the power back, let her brush it first for example? Do you use a detangling spray?

It didn't need to be a fight at all. I gave her 5 or 6 choices including washing it first, comb/brush/fingers, me/you, tablet/tv whilst doing it etc but she just sat screaming at me..her hair really needed doing as it was getting matted.

Yeah I am worried about my loss of control but I'm just struggling with this whole situ and we are stuck in a small flat just the three of us and both kids have very challenging behaviour so I feel like it's me that's made them this way and that everyone sees how I'm this awful vile mum whose kids would be safer away and I agree.

OP 5 is really young

That level of anger is not helping either of you.

Well done for coming on here and identifying that you went too far that is the biggest step.

As parents we all have days or times when we are less than perfect it doesn't mean that you are a bad parent. If you want SS involved because you believe that they can help you, do it, but if it is simply to berate yourself for struggling under these extreme circumstances, don't.

When mine used to do this I would pop her in the bath with lots of bath toys, smother her hair in conditioner and finger comb gently from ends upwards.

This was less traumatic all round.

I now get her to brush her own hair.

As someone with thick curly hair, stop it you're hurting her and frankly pinning her whilst screaming at her to brush her hair is not ok, she's five. Get a tangle teezer and only comb it when it's soaking wet and full of conditioner and make sure it's a half decent one, DM used to rip the hair out of my head brushing it as you have and then wonder why I'd cry and try to get away, but behave perfectly for my grandmother, grandma had good thick conditioner and a wide flexible paddle brush, as soon as DM changed to the same method, no more issues, she's a child she can't articulate that other than you're hurting me.

Five or six choices is too much for that age group too.

sounds like she needs a haircut she can manage herself...

OP I'd give yourself a bit of a break - if this was an everyday situation and you saw nothing wrong with it then I'd be worried for your DD but this is an exceptional situation - you lost your rag and acknowledge you shouldn't have. Next time make sure you just walk away for 5 minutes and regain your composure.

Fucking hell, that is horrible.

Yanbu for losing your temper, that happens to us all, yabvu for manhandling her in the way described.

Everyone is being very nice to you I think. In reality you pinned your child to the floor and held her that hard you're worried you bruised her. If a child told me that in my line of work I'd be obligated to report. You need to seek help, be that someone to give you time out away from kids, some form of counselling about anger, I don't know. But pinning your child down like you did for hair brushing is not ok. You know this, that's why you have posted- that's a great first step that you should look on as a positive. Take it from there.

Oh, op... all these people saying pick your battles.

We are in the middle of something so stressful and unnatural right now. I lost my shit with my DS (6) a few days ago when he wouldn't go to bed, I stormed into his room, gave him a smack (!!!!!) And shouted at the top of my voice.
I was disgusting. I didn't recognise myself. Something just switched, after a whole day of him going on.
He went silent and I returned downstairs. That night I couldn't sleep, I couldn't focus because what I had resorted too.
The next day I gave him lots of attention, cuddles and a calm routine. I forgave myself because the alternative was continue to beat myself up about it, I've taken it as a learning curve, how can I do better/be a better parent next time?

Please don't beat yourself up too hard. Do some enjoyable stuff together after that incident, I always find having a chat with my DS about what happened if we lock heads helps,

"Mummy knows you don't like having your hair brushed and mummy shouldn't have got quite so angry. I apologise for shouting. Next time we need to brush you hair, what can we do to make it better?"

As long as these incidents aren't happening all the time, please don't be too hard on yourself. Ignore those who are saying pick your battles/don't behave irrationally. We are all human, it happens, its how we grown and learn from things like this that ultimately makes us better people/parents etc.

OP that sounds horrendous for your little girl. And at 5 can she really make herself sick 'deliberately'? Or was she incredibly distressed and was sick from crying so much?

Step away from her FFS.

I had a very abusive upbringing so maybe that's clouding my opinion here so I apologise in advance if I come across as harsh but I found that post incredibly difficult to read.

If that were two adults behaving that way then it would surely have been an assault from both parties. Her behaviour to you makes it sound like shes learning to be quite aggressive.

I appreciate children aren't adults and do need firm guidance from time to time and people will lose their temper and raise their voice from time to time. But physically laying your hands on your child for any reason (other than to protect them from harm) really doesn't sit well with me.

I don't think you should call SS but at the same time, this doesn't feel acceptable at all to me if it's happening reasonably regularly. Unless she's non-verble then you are able to communicate with each other but you don't seem to be.

Also - physical overpowering will only work until she's as big as you. She's 5, she's a small (potentially very headstrong and frustrating at times) human... talk to her... ask her why she has a problem with you brushing her hair... work out a way where it's a less objectionable experience for her but do explain that there will be (reasonable) consequences if she doesn't let you do it.

She's sat giving me a cuddle on the sofa now with a snack. I've apologised to her and explained I shouldn't have lost my temper but also explained that she needs to let me help her with her hair and if it hurts we can figure a solution together rather than just screaming and lashing out at me from the start. I think my legs are going to be covered in bruises too and It's hard with the level of violence to keep calm and I normally do keep calm