Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost temper with 5 year old

179 replies

Awfulmum1304 · 13/04/2020 13:42

I've just lost my temper epically with 5 year old DD over hair brushing. Needed to comb her hair and she absolutely would not co-operate. Shouted at her and sat her between my legs with them wrapped round her. So she starts clawing and elbowing and biting me. I had her hair in my heads and she kept yanking her head away then screaming at me for hurting her. She carries on lashing out so I start yelling/screaming at her to stop. She is screaming at me and deliberately makes herself sick but manages to pull away at which point she is lying on the floor so I straddle over the top of her to get her hair brushed. My full weight wasn't on her but she wasn't able to get away. Was still shouting at her and had a very firm grip on her arm to stop her hitting and elbowing me so I'm paranoid I've bruised her and I have certainly psychologically wrecked her.

I feel utterly awful and was struggling with low mood anyway. How do I fix this? I hate losing my temper and i feel like I need to call SS to keep her safe from me 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Awfulmum1304 · 13/04/2020 14:32

We have special spray and I always give her the option of washing it first and whether she wants me to comb it or brush it or to use fingers. I didn't lose my temper until after she sat there hitting kicking biting screaming at me. I haven't minimised anything but she will quite often try and do the whole "if you say no mummy I will make myself cough and sick" thing.

Yes I blow and about about once a month but I've never restrained/held her down to this extent before. I just couldn't take the being attacked thing. I know I was wrong and I have scared her but the only bit I have 'minimised' is that the first bit wasn't quite how it came across.

OP posts:
Original poster
Awfulmum1304 · 13/04/2020 14:33

And I am gentle as possible when I do it. I think that's part of why I got so frustrated because trying to be gentle when she was yanking her head away was making her scream that I was hurting her and I was being as gentle as possible

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 13/04/2020 14:35

And still you seem to place the blame for this entirely on her shoulders.

bluebunny123 · 13/04/2020 14:36

The minute you realised you're weren't getting anywhere with it you should have stepped away and tried again later. The fact you practically sat on your own child just to brush her hair is ridiculous.
Yes we are in stressful times but it sounds like you need some help.

bloodywhitecat · 13/04/2020 14:37

How do you know it wasn't hurting? I hear you when you say you were gentle but it's her head and her perception of pain, not yours. One of the things I have learned is that you cannot perceive another person's pain levels.

perfumeistooexpensive · 13/04/2020 14:38

When my DD's hair got matted I got the scissors and cut her beautiful long hair off. She was a much happier child after that and it didn't scar her for life! There's no point in having long hair if she won't cooperate. She can grow it long when she's older and able to look after it entirely by herself.

whateverhappenstheremore · 13/04/2020 14:38

Do you know what - it happens we are not all perfect. You've apologised she will be fine - it's not like it's a daily occurance. Just try to walk away next time but don't keep worrying about it

magicfarawaytrees · 13/04/2020 14:39

OP you are human, I doubt most of the people on here aren’t stuck in a flat on their own with two young children yet are quick to pile on.

It’s hard when being physically hurt to not lose it, at the moment everyone’s buttons are being pushed that easier too.

Main thing is that you’ve apologized. Spend quality time with her this evening if you can. If you didn’t care you wouldn’t be dwelling on it now. Yes the suggestions of detangling spray and having it cut shorter once you can :)

YinMnBlue · 13/04/2020 14:40

Put it in a pony tail or bunches and hold it firmly where it is gathered, pushing that hair back towards her head. Then gently comb so that you are pulling against the held bunch of hair and not against the roots.

In the end, what is the value of long curly hair if it causes this much hassle? Why do small girls have to put up with this? Maybe we should stop this worshipping and reverence for long hair. It’s just dead stuff hanging off our heads.

Put her hair in corn rows, plait it, or cut it and tell her she looks beautiful.

magicfarawaytrees · 13/04/2020 14:41

Oh and for what it’s worth I remember going for my mum at a similar age to your daughter on our house steps. She smacked me (the only time she did). Needless to say I’m not traumatized by it and completely understand why she did lose it!!

Original poster
Awfulmum1304 · 13/04/2020 14:47

I would love to cut it much shorter but she's adamant she wants it long and loses it at the sight of the hairdresser, ironically I hadn't done it because i wasn't prepared to restrain her to do it.

OP posts:
cherrybunx0 · 13/04/2020 14:49

sorry not trying to be that guy here but it's not acceptable to hit a child in my opinion - ever. I get that its easy to get wount up, I feel it too sometimes when my daughter is overtired and fighting it, but it's really not an okay thing to do, I dont care if that comes across judgy or holier than thou it's just not on.

my grandparents didn't hit or use physical violence, my parents didnt and I dont so maybe that's why I find it so repulsive - couldnt imagine using my size as an advantage point to get one over on a small child

Curiosity101 · 13/04/2020 14:52

ironically I hadn't done it because i wasn't prepared to restrain her to do it.

You seem to have resigned yourself to the fact that you only have one option if you want her to do something and she disagrees...

Original poster
Awfulmum1304 · 13/04/2020 14:53

I didn't hit her. I restrained her too forcefully but I didn't hit her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Awfulmum1304 · 13/04/2020 14:55

Shes very explosive. There is no reasoning with her to do anything. She gets restrained at school too. If she doesn't want to do something you can't bribe her or coerce her. Sometimes choices work but she lashes out constantly

OP posts:
Dipi79 · 13/04/2020 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dipi79 · 13/04/2020 14:58

It doesn't matter that you didn't hit her; by your own admission, you restrained her too forcibly. This IS violence towards a child and no amount of denial or justification on your part can mitigate against this.

Heygirlheyboy · 13/04/2020 15:01

Read The Explosive Child, very helpful for children that do explode. Your reaction has to change and you need a plan and some perspective. She is so small still! You don't want to be that mum. I have shouted like a monster out of sheer frustration and upset a few times, less than five say, and my eldest is explosive/challenging, likes to control. But I can still see his poor, frightened face in my mind's eye and I will never do it again. Aha parenting do online courses and are meant to be good with an emphasis on you remaining calm, how important it is and how to do it.

Wolfiefan · 13/04/2020 15:02

You keep saying you’re not minimising and then say “BUT”.
I haven’t done it before. Not to this extent.
I restrained her but forcefully.
Your behaviour is completely unacceptable. You’re failing your child.
Everything you write is about her. What she does. Like you blame her. Nothing about you. What you’ve tried and how you might do this differently in future.
You need to change.

recycledbottle · 13/04/2020 15:03

There are a lot of posters here who are acting like this is semi normal and being understanding towards the OP. It really isnt. I have curly hair. When it is wet, put in spray in conditioner and with a soft brush ask her to brush it. Dont just brush it dry. She probably wont let you near her hair again. I would show her youtube videos to teach her how to brush her hair.

00100001 · 13/04/2020 15:05

Well, there's something fundamentally 'wrong'

Your two kids lash out, display extreme anger, one has to be restrained regularly at school....

Something is really really wrong...

cherrybunx0 · 13/04/2020 15:06

@Awfulmum1304 I'm not trying to stick the boot in here as you clearly already feel bad about it (although a lot of your posts do seem to lay blame at 5 year olds behaviour - you can still control how you react though) but something needs to be done if she is as angry and explosive as you say - it's not normal or healthy

it could be learnt behaviour (again, sorry but by your own admission you explode yourself on a monthly basis) or there could be something going on under the surface that's causing it. I would really be investigating this as either way that's not the kind of household I would want to be bringing up children or growing up in

WhatTiggersDoBest · 13/04/2020 15:07

I tend to do a shouting losing rag once a month or so.

OP you came on here to ask if you were being unreasonable so on one level you know this isn't right.

It sounds like you have Intermittent Explosive Disorder and if that's the case you need to get a MH referral. Saying you're sorry after losing it at a 5 year old without resolving not to do it again is the hallmark of an abuser. Believing it's normal for young children to "make themselves sick" is also quite disturbing.
I think calling SS and telling them what you did, and also getting an appointment with your GP and asking for a mental health referral, are a good starting point.
You can't say on one hand she won't let you cut her hair and on the other hand you physically overpowered her to try and brush it.
Your children are precious. Cherish them.

decisionsdecision · 13/04/2020 15:14

Can't believe people are saying to get SS involved.
I can guarantee that most of you have lost your temper with your children. If OP DD has to be occasionally restrained at school there are obviously some deeper issues at work and if you know you'll have a gift at a hairdressers but hair is getting matted at some point it will have to be brushed.
OP you are NOT a bad mum, you sound at breaking point and tired and trying to do the best you can.
Goodness sake MN get a grip and calm down. Loosing your tag once a month does not mean anything physical. Maybe keep a record at how much you loose your cool and raise your voice when DC misbehave or hurt others.

cherrybunx0 · 13/04/2020 15:17

@decisionsdecision did you miss the physical altercation part of the OP? never have I had to do anything like what was described here. please don't normalise this behaviour, there is clear anger issues going on, the 5 year olds explosive nature is not usual