To have lost temper with 5 year old

[Awfulmum1304]

I've just lost my temper epically with 5 year old DD over hair brushing. Needed to comb her hair and she absolutely would not co-operate. Shouted at her and sat her between my legs with them wrapped round her. So she starts clawing and elbowing and biting me. I had her hair in my heads and she kept yanking her head away then screaming at me for hurting her. She carries on lashing out so I start yelling/screaming at her to stop. She is screaming at me and deliberately makes herself sick but manages to pull away at which point she is lying on the floor so I straddle over the top of her to get her hair brushed. My full weight wasn't on her but she wasn't able to get away. Was still shouting at her and had a very firm grip on her arm to stop her hitting and elbowing me so I'm paranoid I've bruised her and I have certainly psychologically wrecked her.

I feel utterly awful and was struggling with low mood anyway. How do I fix this? I hate losing my temper and i feel like I need to call SS to keep her safe from me 😭

yep and i remember my mother being bereft and coming to apologise to me after she yanked my hair and made me cry....didnt stop her doing it again.

@WhatTiggersDoBest bloody hell

What @Starksforthewin sensible advice. Take it and leave the rest and shut this thread down to have snuggles with your girl.

Meant to read what @Starksforthewin said!

For heavens sake cut it if she will let you. Plenty of 5 yos have short hair. My teen DD still harbours huge resentment to me for brushing her hair. As she likes to point out on every occasion

Nobody here that I can see is wishing the OP badness or indeed being sanctimonious.

People are worried. Worried that she needs help. That her children need help.

There is never. ever. any. reason. to inflict violence on a child. Not because you are in a one bed with no money, not because they have SEN, not because they bit you first, not because lockdown is tough. And before someone accuses me of not having lived those situations, I have/do.

If you are justifying in any way violence against a child, you are wrong.

OP needs some help. I hope she seeks it and gets what she needs.

OP I believe you're a good person doing your best. Your daughter is a good person too.

Good people can struggle sometimes. You recognise what you want to do better and how your want a better relationship with your daughter. These aren't easy times. My god, I can't imagine being a single mum of two challenging kids in a flat right now.

Forgive yourself. Find a tactic to work with when she lashes out physically - moving away, breathing exercises, etc. When you feel the blood starting to boil, take a breath, smile at your daughter and tell her (and yourself) you love her. Practise as much self care as possible so your cup is filled and you have more patience and resolve.

I can't see how SS could or would help in these circumstances tbh, even if you did call them. But perhaps reading a parenting book might help a bit? I like the Philippa Perry one called "The book you wish your parents had read".

Op how are you coping with lockdown in a flat? Are you able to take the children out for some exercise daily?

I'm not abusive. Yes there is a significant underlying issue and I hate myself for losing my temper. She has very challenging behaviour and I'm usually really good at walking away. I'm spending the majority of time being hit, kicked, spat at, bit, head butted, things thrown at me. I lose my temper and properly shout/yell once a month-ish, I have to keep her seperate from her sibling because they get the brunt of it too. Since lockdown I have lost all of my respite, all support, we can't get out. Dad doesn't want anything to do with her as he couldn't cope with her. School have approached social services to arrange proper respite but they aren't interested.

The making herself sick she will literally go "mummy if you don't do what i want/give me what I want I will be sick all over the floor". It's not sick sick, it's her forcing herself to cough up crap.

To get her hair cut will most likely take 4 people. It isn't normal 5 year old tantrums. Its excessive explosions. To do anything medical even minor things need sedation. She gets restrained at school because when she goes she goes.

I fully accept I absolutely crossed the line and I genuinely hate myself for it but things really aren't easy and I'm not an abusive mum. I'm just scared it will happen again.

You are abusive if you think it’s fine to sit on your child and pin them to the floor by their arm.
You did more than cross a line.

it does sound like a really tough situation to be in on your own. do you have anyone you can ring regularly to vent to and let off some steam? I appreciate SS are busy but its disappointing if they've been approached by the school and not stepped in. once this is over you really need to push for some help for both your sakes - it sounds like a really challenging and hostile environment for all

Social services absolutely don't want to get involved because the combination of school and half term childcare means we tick along fine.

Oh here it comes now this poor 5 yr old has 'issues' and she is regularly restrained at school? If SS aren't interested it's because she doesn't have a diagnosis that requires there input. So perhaps it's time to revisit you and your DH parenting .

Unfortunately OP by reacting to her defiance with physical violence you are modelling that behaviour to her as normal. When she has violent meltdowns at school or whatever she is actually copying you.

I understand how infuriating it is trying to do something for the child's own good but have them fight you every step of the way. But you cannot do this anymore.

Shave her god damn hair off.

Stop forcing her and you through this torturous negative routine over and over. Nowhere is it written that girls must have long hair. Shave it. Keep it buzz cut length. No brushing or washing or styling. Leave it the fuck alone.

Do whatever you can to break this cycle. Your relationship with her is way more important than any hair or lack of.

tricky situation, maybe talk to the school again once this has calmed down. I appreciate it's a lot to deal with. not that I take back what I said ie. physicality on a child but I think you should have put some of that in your original post because not that it excuses it ( you know that ) but it does show you are having an extremely hard time and need help/some guidance rather than being "told off". not just for the loss of control on your behalf but your daughters behaviour is upsetting, must be awful for you and her. SS absolutely should be offering some support

@champagneandfromage50 well I don't have a DH for a start. I think most posters picked up there is an underlying issue. She does have a diagnosis. Diagnosis doesn't get social services interested.

@PippaPegg It's more than just the hair, it was just a catalyst today. I have zero problem with cutting her hair but she doesn't want to and then forcing that is a whole other issue.

@champagneandfromage50 this is bollocks btw - my cousin was so obviously autistic and struggling in mainstream school, was hideously bullied and behind in work (apart from his passion - music) and it took SS four years to intervene and more doctors appointments then I can count to get an official diagnosis and a place in school that could support his needs. again, not excusing the physical side but it sounds to me like the behaviour is above even a naughty 5 year old and they BOTH need some help and support

OP can you contact a society associated with her diagnosis? I'm not in UK & don't know your daughters diagnosis so I don't know what that would be but a quick Google should show what your local support might be? They might be able to organise respite at least, maybe some help with behavioural management?

@PippaPegg forcefully removing a child’s hair is abusive. That seems a strange thing to recommend on a thread where the OP is being criticised as an abuser.

@Awfulmum1304 Diagnosis - ASD & ADHD by any chance?

If so:

My DD has ASD and couldn't stand her hair being brushed. To her it physically hurt. Now a teenager (diagnosis only recent) she is able to explain more about her sensory needs.

I would head over to www.autism.org.uk and look at the following links:
www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/challenging-behaviour.aspx
www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/meltdowns.aspx

If your DD has a diagnosis, does she has an EHCP yet? What does the schooled successfully that you could replicate at home?

Also head over to the SEN boards for support too.

If not the above, could you post what the diagnosis is to be signposted to support?

@Awfulmum1304 Diagnosis doesn't get social services interested.

No it doesn't, but what you have described here could show how you are struggling and need Early Help intervention - to support YOU.

@justanotherneighinparadise

If she wanted to grow it long and never brush it would you allow her? Knowing it would get matted and pull on her scalp, causing pain? Eventually pulling hair out at the root and leading to skin infections. Parent of the year award right there!

Heaven forbid a girl would have short hair!

You probably were hurting her, I'd spray it with water mixed with conditioner and gently start brushing from the ends otherwise it will be painful for her. She wasn't being naughty, she was scared of the pain of having her hair brushed.

A lot of women with curly hair had the same experience as children, myself included, you can't just drag a brush through in the same way, curly hair is more prone to tangles and matting and nobody likes the feeling of their hair being pulled

I allow my children to have the hair they desire. So yes I would allow a daughter to have long hair. We’d just have to find a way to manage it. What I wouldn’t do is pin her down and cut it all off as that is abusive.