To have lost temper with 5 year old

[Awfulmum1304]

I've just lost my temper epically with 5 year old DD over hair brushing. Needed to comb her hair and she absolutely would not co-operate. Shouted at her and sat her between my legs with them wrapped round her. So she starts clawing and elbowing and biting me. I had her hair in my heads and she kept yanking her head away then screaming at me for hurting her. She carries on lashing out so I start yelling/screaming at her to stop. She is screaming at me and deliberately makes herself sick but manages to pull away at which point she is lying on the floor so I straddle over the top of her to get her hair brushed. My full weight wasn't on her but she wasn't able to get away. Was still shouting at her and had a very firm grip on her arm to stop her hitting and elbowing me so I'm paranoid I've bruised her and I have certainly psychologically wrecked her.

I feel utterly awful and was struggling with low mood anyway. How do I fix this? I hate losing my temper and i feel like I need to call SS to keep her safe from me 😭

I feel your pain. My dd has bum length thick, curly hair. It's a major operation to brush it. The screams even washing it when she was younger were ear splitting.

I'm very careful in my technique, I start on a section, tease the matt apart horizontally with my fingers, then I use a tangle teaser doused in either leave-in-conditioner or other curl spray, starting from the bottom of the hair up, as soon as one section is done with the tangle teaser, I then brush through gently with a wet brush, brushing from the bottom up.

I give her breaks, bribe with chocolate and she has her tablet also. There are still meltdowns though.

Anyway you probably do all this, but just in case any of it helps.

Oooh I obviously spray the hair also, not just the tools!

And a 5 year old can make themselves sick. My other one has been able to force it from the age of around 18 months whenever he was having a strop. She threatened to make herself sick several times before she did so it was definitely deliberate

If a child told me that in my line of work I'd be obligated to report

Same here. And forget about YOUR bruises OP - she is 5.

And a 5 year old can make themselves sick. My other one has been able to force it from the age of around 18 months whenever he was having a strop. She threatened to make herself sick several times before she did so it was definitely deliberate

This is even more distressing for me to read. Can you not see that something is very wrong here OP?

Yer, err no. Little children are not deliberately making themselves sick, why would they? For what purpose?

It's hard with the level of violence to keep calm

If you'd released her there would have been no violence. It sounds like the violence was the result of you physically trying to force her to do something she didn't want to?

I'm not suggesting for one second that her hair didn't need brushing. But you effectively created the violence by being physical in the first place.

I still remember my gran brushing my hair roughly and how much it hurt, and that was 30 years ago I'm sure it wasn't maliciously done, but it was very unpleasant. Does she have very thick hair? Would keeping it shorter make it easier for you both? Or keeping it plaited or something and only combing it when wet? Have you got a tangle teezer or similar?

I think you need to seek help OP - you mention your children's behaviour is challenging, maybe your local council runs parenting classes that could give you some extra tips/techniques?

Your current set up doesn't sound sustainable without serious issues.

I wasn't physical first. I always sit her in front of me on the sofa with my legs around her as she suddenly seems to forget I'm mid brush and she runs off when I'm tangled in her hair and it hurts her. The first bit wasn't violent like it probably sounds now I've re-read it

What @koshkatt said. What you are describing is really very worrying behavior. By you and your children. You seem, in your update, to be blaming her for lashing out at you 'from the start'- she is 5, and scared. She needs help and kindness. Not violence. Get help.

For fucks sake it does not matter if you weren't violent first. You are the adult. Act like it. Get help.

Stop trying to minimise it. That was awful behaviour on your part.
And if you’re losing it monthly? That’s worse.
A child saying they’re going to be sick doesn’t mean they’re doing it deliberately. You’re scaring and hurting her.
Cut the hair or find a better brush.
And learn some anger management techniques.
When this is over you need help parenting.

@Isawamagpie We are in stressful times but that doesn't make using force against another person OK, if a man did this to his wife because he was stressed would that be OK too? Maybe my opinion is clouded because I grew up with abuse then continued to live with it in my first marriage.

To those of you saying that daily hairbrushing is an unnecessary daily battle that the OP could choose not to have, it's your children who quite probably don't know the meaning of 'no'. Of course she has to have her matted hair brushed FFS.

Oh how many standoffs DS and I have had over the years over basic self care functions before the dots joined up and his SNs became clear enough to be referred and diagnosed, including sensory processing disorder.

He's the kind of child who arrived half way through his brother's birthday party after an hour long stand off/ meltdown over brushing his teeth. He was 8 and he wanted to do that activity too! (It turned out that he was stewing with jealousy because his brother would get presents, sometimes the dispùte is a proxy issue of control over another problem)

Hair brushing is also one of our difficulties, and he has shoulder length hair so it is important to manage it.

Have the right tools. Hair oil helps smooth it and reduce pulling. Washing helps if it is really matted (especially as he's having a hair chewing phase) Have a suitable comb/ brush for the hair type.

Have well maintained cuts. Straggly, split ends are harder. DS is no fan of hair cuts either, but has conceded that yes it is now easier to comb without an inch of mangled ends.

Back off if it you are not time critical. Don't give up, but say that it will happen, but you can have some time to calm down.

Incentives. When we have done this, then we can do that.

Making up is important. Own your own actions. Explain why the hair brushing is important but don't get blamey. Make-up hugs work well in our house. Yes we have our run-ins and sometimes they overwhelm our patience levels, but we always love each other and feel secure in that love even if behaviour is sometimes difficult to manage.

www.today.com/parents/child-regression-signs-regression-kids-what-do-about-it-t177861

All the people whose daughters have long, thick hair that hurts to brush - why? Why not cut the hair shorter? Why have 'bum length' hair when brushing is a battle??

@Awfulmum1304 my dd, now 28 was a nightmare with hair brushing.
She would scream and refuse to sit. We eventually bought a tangle teaser that helped. She still complains how I hurt her head . Some people have very tender scalps, my dsis has.
The best thing is to plait her hair every night so she gets used to it and it will get less matted.
Don’t feel bad, just find a different way round the problem.

Is she happy to have it washed? If so could you do that before bed and pretend you are at the hairdressers. Let her do yours first and then do hers have pretend money and everything. Draw some styles e.g plait, pony tail, down. Make it exciting. Plait it before bed and if she won't cooperate the next morning it won't matter as much?

My 5 year old goes in shower every morning (her choice) stick conditioner in it let her wash it of. Much easier x

To those of you saying that daily hairbrushing is an unnecessary daily battle that the OP could choose not to have, it's your children who quite probably don't know the meaning of 'no'. Of course she has to have her matted hair brushed FFS

The fact that you can read the OP and the subsequent uppates and THAT is what you take away from it says a great deal about you.

Also buy some special spray for the knots

My son has long curly hair, I only brush it when it has conditioner in, on none wash day I put it in a cloth bun before he goes to bed. Always start from the ends and work very slowly up to the roots.

My son will sometimes vomit when he is scared, he does it because his birth mother was physically violent, if something scares him/he thinks he has done wrong he associates that feeling with being sick, so he often will vomit.

It is not a normal reaction, it’s very commonly seen in children who have suffered trauma. Children are only violent towards adults when they have had to go into fight mode to protect themselves.

My son will sometimes vomit when he is scared, he does it because his birth mother was physically violent, if something scares him/he thinks he has done wrong he associates that feeling with being sick, so he often will vomit

My heart goes out to your son Simon, that is so hard to read. I hope that with your love and care he can overcome this one day.

I made myself tear up brushing my hair the other day as I caught a knot I didn’t realise was there and it really fucking hurt!
My head still feels tender there a few days later.

OP, you need to be gentle!