To have lost temper with 5 year old

[Awfulmum1304]

I've just lost my temper epically with 5 year old DD over hair brushing. Needed to comb her hair and she absolutely would not co-operate. Shouted at her and sat her between my legs with them wrapped round her. So she starts clawing and elbowing and biting me. I had her hair in my heads and she kept yanking her head away then screaming at me for hurting her. She carries on lashing out so I start yelling/screaming at her to stop. She is screaming at me and deliberately makes herself sick but manages to pull away at which point she is lying on the floor so I straddle over the top of her to get her hair brushed. My full weight wasn't on her but she wasn't able to get away. Was still shouting at her and had a very firm grip on her arm to stop her hitting and elbowing me so I'm paranoid I've bruised her and I have certainly psychologically wrecked her.

I feel utterly awful and was struggling with low mood anyway. How do I fix this? I hate losing my temper and i feel like I need to call SS to keep her safe from me 😭

This is absolutely horrific.

My 4yo has beautiful thigh-length, thick, curly hair. I use a tangle teaser/wet brush. Lots and lots of conditioner spray and take it very slowly.
Guess what? No tears, no screaming, no desperate scramble to get away.
Just calm, patient hair brushing.

If you cannot see something severely wrong with your behaviour then yeah, I'd ring SS and ask for a parenting course.

Total vile way to behave towards a small child.

OP, take no notice of the “perfect parents” on here and their sanctimonious twaddle. I think you were brave to seek help and acknowledge some failings.
Time to move on.
Your daughter shouldn’t be allowed to make all the decisions. I would get her hair cut if she didn’t behave when her hair needed brushing. Who needs that drama in their household? Tell her that’s the choice. I doubt she’ll be scarred for life by such a common issue.
There are some helpful suggestions above, conditioner, close plaiting, silk or smooth synthetic pillowcases (silk is expensive).

This ridiculous fashion for all little girls to have super long ‘princess’ hair needs nipping in the bud. Too many mothers living out their Disney fantasies through their children. No wonder nits in schools is at epidemic rates.
Five year olds don’t have agency over their own lives. Adults call the shots, but so many mothers want to be their child’s “best friend” instead of their parent that their discipline is woeful, hence all the problems in school when children hear the word ‘no’ for probably the first time.

Give yourself a break, OP. You’re dealing with a lot right now and misbehaving children need to be parented to change their behaviour, not have everyone whistling to their tune.

Oh so many sanctimonious perfect parents here.
OP you’re not an awful parent at all we all lose it sometimes and you’re on your own dealing with what sounds like a very challenging five year old plus another child. Give yourself a break. You’ve recognised the way you dealt with this wasn’t ideal and are open to advice. You wouldn’t be here if you were a shit latent

There's being a sanctimonious parent and there's condoning a physical altercation between an adult and a very small child over hair brushing. It's frightening how many of you are happy to minimise that.

Wow. Children that age are stressful but I do think you need to pick your battles.
Would it be easier to comb through with some leave in conditioner on before she goes to bed and then combing it in the morning? Depending on length perhaps plaiting it at bed time? Or alternatively getting it cut.
Certainly not about to berate you, but it does sound like you've lost control of the situation and are overwhelmed.

Do you have any support at all?

If rather be a sanctimonious twat than someone who is aggressive to small children.

just to echo a pp, noone is suggesting they are a perfect parent but there is quite clearly something very wrong with this set up - not normal behaviour from child or parent, the difference being one is supposed to be setting an example and showing how not to react to a situation. how can you expect the 5 year old to be well behaved if the parent shows the same explosive nature?

Op has acknowledged that-she doesn’t need a guilt trip from a bunch of sanctimonious arseholes! She clearly feels guilt enough already! Get over yourselves.
And yes the kid is five but needs to have her hair brushed-it’s not picking your battles situation it’s basic care. If she let her kids hair get so matted it needed to be cut off I’m sure you’d all be calling op neglectful too 🙄

OP, something has gone horribly wrong in the way you and your kids relate to each other, but you can remedy it. I would suggest reading some books like How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and Gentle Parenting. It's important to note that gentle parenting is absolutely not the same as being permissive or trying to be your child's friend. It's about a more respectful approach, where boundaries are firmly maintained, but handled differently from time-outs etc...

Mumsnet tends to sneer at GP, but it's done wonders for our very explosive child.

OP, you say she gets restrained at school, is she at a form of referral unit?

And what are generally the reasons for her being restrained?

OP, take no notice of the “perfect parents” on here and their sanctimonious twaddle

Good lord. I despair at what some children must be enduring at home when I see minimising like this.

@koshkatt

I agree. Just because some of us think it's unacceptable to be violent towards young kids that somehow makes us 'sanctimonious'. OK then..

@Awfulmum1304 OP please ignore the nastiness on this thread, they all seem to have conveniently overlooked the obvious SEN issues your children seem to have, which you've mentioned in your posts.
I have a child with SEN and yes they very much CAN make themselves sick and not because they're being abused!! 🙄
I understand why you did what you did. I'm not saying it was right but I totally get that frustrated feeling that's been building & building & building. Behavioural issues in children require super patient parenting and the reality of life, especially now, can really make it impossible to keep our cool.
Also, add in depression or low mood and your patience is even less!

I know some goady posters will try and twist my words by implying that I must be beating my child, given what I've said above and I'll say right now that that is absolutely incorrect. I have lost it with her though and shouted louder than I knew I could.
When she was being assessed for ASD the child psychologist said he could completely understand it. Perhaps because he has the best idea of how challenging children with behavioural issues/SEN can be. Can

Some of the comments to the OP are simply vile

Trust me, she won't remember - jeez if I remembered everything awful that happened to me when I was young my head would have exploded! Some of the previous posts have good ideas, but stop beating yourself up over it.

Yes I blow and about about once a month but I've never restrained/held her down to this extent before. I just couldn't take the being attacked thing. I know I was wrong and I have scared her but the only bit I have 'minimised' is that the first bit wasn't quite how it came across.

You felt attacked, can you imagine being 5 and being sat on and held down? Because a child bit you you attacked them.

If it was an adult you’d have said you assaulted them.

If a child at work told me what happened SS would be called.

OP, I’m not quite sure why PPs are horrified at the idea of you calling social services. I actually think it’s a good idea as you clearly need support. The fact that you have the insight to know that you feel out of control is a good starting place. They may be able to refer you to a parenting class to provide you with strategies to support you to parent in a more effective manner. And forgive me if you’ve already answered this question but is the children‘s father around to help share the parenting responsibility? Or could his absence be linked to their behaviour?

I have no advice about your reaction but on a practical note, y shouldn’t brush curly hair when it’s dry. Not only does it snap the hair and make it frizzy, but it hurts like fuck. When I was little my mum was trying to drag a Denman through my curls and when I complained she hit me on the head with the hard back of the brush

Leave her hair alone when it’s dry. Only brush it with a tangle teezer or wide tooth comb in the bath with loads of conditioner. Hold it at the root and gently detangle from the bottom up.

If you can, stop using shampoo. Look at the Curly Girl Method and try washing with conditioner. Trust me, it makes the hair much more manageable and less tangled.

It was either i got it brushed or it got chopped off

It might be easier for her to have it short in this time, save the agony of brushing.

@HavenDilemma thoughtful, kind post nice to see some support for the op

I agree with @Kittykat93 . An aggressive adult bullying a five year old child is wrong. It is not acceptable under any circumstances. Imagine a Dad had behaved like this to a small child. You as an adult are so much bigger than a five year old child. Those posters who say she will forget need to be reminded of the recent thread where posters described poor parenting by their own parents. Lots of posters remembered early aggression by their mothers which affected their relationships as adults. OP, you are the adult. Distract, divert and above all be gentle.

We all do stuff like this OP, though not everyone will admit it.
You're brave, and because of that, I know all will be well.
Do not overcompensate because you feel guilty and let her break boundaries you have previously set. That's a double whammy.

Well as DC of a mother who used hairbrushing as a moment to leash her internal frustrations I think you need to back off. I had super thick hair and every sunday I was subjected to her treating me like I was a stump, she would pull a brush through my hair to get every knot and it hurt. Really hurt, if i cried she hit me on the head with the brush. As an adult the only person who can touch my hair or head is my hair dresser. Support your DD to brush her own hair or get it cut

@Imcneill003

"We all do stuff like this OP, though not everyone will admit it"

This is nonsense. Please do not normalise this behaviour as Op is more likely to repeat it. If you behave like this then you need to look at yourself.

I'm confused at the people saying some of the posts to the OP have been vile? the OP freely admits she lost control and was in the wrong but people who agree with her are vile or sanctimonious? I guess we should lie then and say that no it wasnt bad behaviour weve all been there - I most certainly havent and no that doesnt make me perfect but I dont believe in any kind of physicality towards children and I'm not gonna pretend I do just to make someone else feel less bad for doing so. surely you ask on here to get peoples opinions, something like this is going to be objected fairly strongly isnt it, dont be so naive

This is nonsense. Please do not normalise this behaviour as Op is more likely to repeat it

I doubt she will repeat it. She's bereft at her actions.
It's not normal and thus she feels so bad about it.
When we lose our temper, with children (or anyone else) we all feel bad after because WE HAVE LOST CONTROL. It's not right to do it, but it's very human. I try to understand and forgive human failings.