To have lost temper with 5 year old

[Awfulmum1304]

I've just lost my temper epically with 5 year old DD over hair brushing. Needed to comb her hair and she absolutely would not co-operate. Shouted at her and sat her between my legs with them wrapped round her. So she starts clawing and elbowing and biting me. I had her hair in my heads and she kept yanking her head away then screaming at me for hurting her. She carries on lashing out so I start yelling/screaming at her to stop. She is screaming at me and deliberately makes herself sick but manages to pull away at which point she is lying on the floor so I straddle over the top of her to get her hair brushed. My full weight wasn't on her but she wasn't able to get away. Was still shouting at her and had a very firm grip on her arm to stop her hitting and elbowing me so I'm paranoid I've bruised her and I have certainly psychologically wrecked her.

I feel utterly awful and was struggling with low mood anyway. How do I fix this? I hate losing my temper and i feel like I need to call SS to keep her safe from me 😭

@cherrybunx0 as I said. If she has to be restrained at school (which will be physically) there are deeper things going on. Schools don't make a habit of touching children if they don't have too

YABU
You shouldn’t be dry brushing curly hair anyway
Next time she has a bath/shower brush it with loads of conditioner in. Use leave in conditioner (or a little bit of normal conditioner if you don’t have a specific leave in one) when still soaking wet. Put into french plaits (YouTube is your friend here f you don’t know how to already). Leave it in the plaits til next time it needs washing

You know what, I really don’t think it’s right for everyone to come on and kick the op while she’s down and already feeling like shit. So she held a child down and shouted at her while brushing her hair? No, it’s not ideal but she’s stuck in a small flat by herself with two young kids for who knows how long. What do you want her to do, stick her head in the oven and leave those kids motherless? Because vicious posts like some of these could lead to that.

Pick yourself up op and tell yourself that tomorrow is a new day, nothing lasts forever and you will get through this. And think about what you will do differently next time. Personally I’d probably have the scissors to hand and remind her that if her hair isn’t detangled it will need to be cut off.

Sounds like an awful situation op. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and maybe it could have been dealt with differently. Going forward it would be best to let it go if it is escalating to aggression etc. Calm chat later and maybe a bath and a tonne of conditioner to get the knots out would be the way to go. There are kid sprays that you put in when hair is still damp which I find minimises knots for days in my dc it also has some kind of nit repellant in it.

5 is still a bit young but a discussion on hair care is needed and what is expected of the dc or else hair gets lopped. Not as a threat but as a necessity so everyone can be happy.

Wow I am horrified. Your poor little girl.
Please get a tangle teezer or something similar, and pick your battles! Sounds like a lot of aggression over nothing. Some good suggestions in the post including making her plaits. And she is not going anywhere, does her hair have to be perfect jn the morning?

Try having a look at children's curly girl method
Honestly my hair used to have a hair brush ripped through it and I looked like crystal tipps. It was dry, frizzy and awful
Now I know how to manage it myself and I have soft curls, and I don't own a hairbrush or shampoo!

@decisionsdecision okay so we completely overlook the mothers behaviour and only focus on the 5 year olds aggressive nature which may or may not have been learned - I don't doubt there is deeper things going on but its unreasonable to lay blame on the childs door because its eases your own conscience

please dont talk to me about schools either, I work in one lmao

Here. I can recommend some products if you need. One tip is (it sounds ridiculous!) is to use a satin or silk pillowcase, it really helps stop the matting overnight. I use a cheap eBay one, anything that's slippery

https://curlspecialist.com/2017/09/29/curly-kids-hair-care-routine/

@cherrybunx0 so when you are working in school would you restrain a child for nothing? Would that be acceptable?
OP made a mistake the way she is being jumped on is disgusting. As I said how many of these people have never lost their cool with DC? From the sounds of the updates she doesn't use physical force apart from this one episode so let's presume she shouts at them. Have you never shouted at a child?

It isn't just about this one instance, which many were perhaps willing to see beyond.

However when an adult parent attributes adult reasoning skills to a 5 and 18m old, alarm bells ring.

Being sick is horrible, not enjoyable or rewarding. Yet OP believes that her children are doing this deliberately. Why is that? What reaction are they used to receiving when they vomit?

There are several indicators throughout this thread that indicate that the OP has a misguided understanding of the intent behind small children's actions. Small children want to be loved, to feel safe and to explore their environment. Yet both of OPs kids deliberately make themselves sick? No.

OP. Bet you are so glad you came on here for the helpful advice, NOT.
The pound shop now sell the anti tangle brushes instead of the boots one at least 11 quid.
It is hard with small children and must be really difficult stuck inside at the moment. When your child returns to school ask them to write a report and make a referal to Camhs. Also try to get hold of a copy of the book that a pp mentioned The Explosive Child. (it is very good). Also when the lock down is over a GP appointment for both of you. Also please speak to your health visitor.
You lost it. Not good although I am sure that an awful lot of parents have done this on occasion. You cannot change that. What you can do is work on your behaviour with support to ensure there isn't a repeat of this. As another poster suggest try letting the little one brush your hair. Say be careful please/ be gentle. Good luck.
To the posters giving the OP shit. She knows she fucked up. She came to ask for help.
Oh and by the way a lot of 5 year olds are indeed very capable of forcing themselves to be sick. Not because they are frightened or anything other then they are in a huge temper.

To posters who have give

@decisionsdecision if behaviour was as disruptive as the OP has said and restraint was having to be used on as regular basis as she has implied best believe this would have already been investigated and the social services would likely already be involved which makes me think either the OP is exaggerating the 5 year olds school behaviour to make herself feel better at loosing it herself OR she is not revealing something here.

no I havent - I'm not berating the OP for shouting (although again, I do think shouting is designed to instill fear and I always hated being shouted at when I was younger by teachers, it used to make me cry couldnt help it) but everyone has a different opinion on that. however, if it gets to a point where its physical then yes you should be told your behaviour is not on

Please don’t brush curly hair! It’s so bad for it.

As an adult I’ve learned not to brush my hair at all. As a child it was a nightmare, endlessly brushing it for it to end up worse than ever.

Look up curly girl technique, oil it, condition it, tie it up. But don’t brush it. It wrecks it. Wash it, finger comb it, and let it curl.

@Awfulmum1304 I think you need support - there is lots more going on besides you losing it today and your children's behaviour. There may be SEN, there may be MH, there may be other trauma in the past, we don't know (and we don't need to know). I really would approach your Health Visitor and ask for support, maybe Early Help. learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection/early-help-early-intervention

In the meantime, try and work on your anger and stay as calm as you can. Calm adults usually mean calm kids, and keep a routine in place whilst on Lockdown as that'll help you and the kids. You can create/draw/paint symbols and words for your routine to put up as a visual timetable so you and your kids know what is happening next. Food is important too, we notice in school that kids who have high energy levels burn it off very quickly, so get hungry easily and we see behaviour spikes. Fruit/veg, toast and yoghurt.

Use a large toothed comb rather than a brush. Brushes are no good for curly hair. Section off the hair and start at the bottom of each section.

Keep in 2 plaits when going to bed with a tie at the ends. Consider French plaits during the day too.

Offer your dd a straight choice after lockdown, a hair cut or regular combing.

@isawamagpie

Not suprised you couldnt sleep that night. Yelling and hitting your six year old for messing around at bedtime? Stressed or not you should be ashamed. Why the fuck do bullies think it's fine to hit children.

Dd has curly hair, id never go near it with a brush. Finger comb it while wet with either conditioner or lots of detangler

@Awfulmum1304
Jesus Christ why come on here if you’re just going to insist that you were right. (Especially after you first said you should call social services which leads me to believe that quite actually you’re attention seeking and self deprecating to get pity from people, which is a form of emotional abuse that will no doubt affect your children.) Your method of combing her hair is clearly wrong and as some other posters have articulated, she’s far too young to explain that herself. When a child tells you they’re hurting them for fuck sake don’t continue to hurt them? Or in your case completely stop them from moving and overpower them giving them no rights to their own body? I mean that’s just a little bit fucked up isn’t it. You could’ve easily bought some de tangle spray and wet her hair, and talk to her whilst you do it try to soothe her don’t manhandle her. I also hated hair brushing as a child because it really fucking hurt and I would shout but my mum would never do what you did to your child to me because she’s not abusive! If your child is acting violently how you described she must be learning it from someone (you) your lack of control over your anger is rubbing off on her. Yelling and screaming at a child is disgraceful, kids are kids they scream, you screaming in response tells her it’s okay. If you were sitting on her and holding her arm so hard that you were worried you bruised her than you already know yourself it wasn’t okay, there are better methods than physical violence it doesn’t matter if you didn’t ‘hit her’ you physically abused your child. You obviously don’t feel ‘awful’ because you’ve spent this entire thread defending your actions as okay to the other posters, you sound extremely emotionally and physically abusive and I feel sorry for your children.

Tons of conditioner at bath time, massage the conditioner through the hair with a head massage at the same time, finger comb then detangle brush, rinse and plait whilst she's in the bath, Johnson's detangling spray if needs be. We've been through it with both kids. I understand the reaction you had, and have been at that point. Next time walk away if you can , and then come back later with the punishment.We also agreed a routine for when we were getting really angry and tried to find what helped us calm down. We all still have arguments but they're not as full on. All kids seem to go through a phase where personal hygiene is abhorrent to them. I've no idea why but it does change.

Peel away a small section of hair at a time. Hold it tight just above the part you're working on to prevent it from pulling on the scalp and start at the end finger combing and gently work your way toward the scalp. Sometimes you need to tease out one hair at a time. If it's really bad, massage spray conditioner into the knots and leave for a few mins and try again one hair at a time. The most painful section is normally at the base of the skull so go very carefully at this section. Keeping it plaited should help to lessen the problems till she's old enough to understand more easily. Keeping it either very short or shoulder length would make it easier. After lockdown talk to a good hairdresser for any other advice.

This makes me feel sick. This child is 5 years old.
I have a 5 year old. I just can’t imagine ever losing my temper to this point with her and she’s incredibly hard work and will scream in frustration and lash out in anger.
I find age appropriate consequences. I’m consistent. I’m firm with words and tone and my actions. She’s not scared of me but she understands when I mean business.
I have actually done a number of courses at the children’s centre because my parents were violent towards me. I had a childhood filled with fear and anger. That’s all I learnt from them. I didn’t have any parenting skills.
I suggest you seek help OP. An apology isn’t going to cut it.

I'm quite shouty but the result is that my kids are immune and don't even flinch. That was a worrying level of restraint and overpowerment though

Very much hoping this is a one-off brought on by the stress of the current crisis.
If so, follow much of the above advice about apologising, picking your battles and how to deal with curly hair.
If not, then your children need you to make some calls to get some support or at the very least start doing some serious reading about better parenting.

The way you treated her is abusive. You need to address that in general.

And specifically re the hair, just cut it. Better one argument every few months than every day when it needs brushing (and she might stop arguing about it being cut once she sees how much more pleasant it is when it doesn't need brushing).