To have lost temper with 5 year old

[Awfulmum1304]

I've just lost my temper epically with 5 year old DD over hair brushing. Needed to comb her hair and she absolutely would not co-operate. Shouted at her and sat her between my legs with them wrapped round her. So she starts clawing and elbowing and biting me. I had her hair in my heads and she kept yanking her head away then screaming at me for hurting her. She carries on lashing out so I start yelling/screaming at her to stop. She is screaming at me and deliberately makes herself sick but manages to pull away at which point she is lying on the floor so I straddle over the top of her to get her hair brushed. My full weight wasn't on her but she wasn't able to get away. Was still shouting at her and had a very firm grip on her arm to stop her hitting and elbowing me so I'm paranoid I've bruised her and I have certainly psychologically wrecked her.

I feel utterly awful and was struggling with low mood anyway. How do I fix this? I hate losing my temper and i feel like I need to call SS to keep her safe from me 😭

Yes ASD with PDA traits. Almost certainly ADHD but need to wait until 6 for confirmation. Huge sensory processing difficulties although her hair has never actually been one of them. Hers is predominantly about her propercetive, auditory and sight. I don't think today was about the hair but she and I just hit our limit on this whole situation at the same time in the worst possible way.

OP one of my DC is challenging. I use this word lightly, but in reality it means at times he pushes all my buttons and then destroys things.

Forgive yourself, but have a different strategy. Next time walk away, have a hot drink, don't look at her or engage with her in any way. Ask yourself is it worth trying to do what you are doing? Being the parent 100% of the time is exhausting, but with a challenging child it sometimes feels like it would be easier to walk up a wall then have them follow something straightforward. It's not giving up or failing to stop, it is walking away to preserve your sanity.

Hi op. My dd is 8 and has ASD and curly hairi in ringlets. It's a real battle keeping it tidy.she plays with it and twists it even if I tie it back. It is hard even to finger comb even when her hair is wet and soaked in conditioner. I have to be really gentle and patient as she shouts and cries if I'm impatient. I have to remind myself it is painful for her and she's not being difficult. It takes forever though and she's resistant so I have shouted at her in the past and felt terrible.

It's not easy op. Try to forgive yourself,talk to your dd, try to work on it together.

Honestly if a child of mine made that much fuss about hair being brushed then after 3 days it would simply get cut off.

Why do all these PPs with kids with long hair, that struggle to get it brushed/wash it/keep it tidy, let them keep it so long??

Why not just cut it short until they can either tolerate the hassle that comes with it, or do it themselves??

@justanotherneighinparadise

So, if your child battled and cried and tantrummed every day over brushing their long hairy, battled and tantrummed every few days over washing their hair.... And that problem could be solved by cutting it short.

You'd still let them make the decision to keep it long and to allow them to choose to have this unhappiness in their life?

@justanotherneighinparadise

Pinning a child down and cutting their hair off isn't the only way to get the job done you know....

OP the stress of all of this is huge. Dh came in the other night to the kids room when I had lost it shouting at ds over something I can't even remember now. He asked did I want him to finish (first time ever) and go for a walk around the garden or read a book or something. I went outside and had a breath and started bawling. He said after hed never heard me shout like that (and ill admit i do shout the odd time, mot proud of it but i do) We're all in this pent up stage, I'm just waiting for a phone call saying mum is in hospital (she's not even sick). Maybe try a chat with a biccie or ice cream and say 'what will we do about the hair thing?' And hugs and and

As usual, the mumsnet overreacters are here. You know what OP, I agree that what you did was wrong, but in all honesty, we have all lost it with our kids at some point, and i can't imagine being on my own with 2 of them during this lockdown. And she does need to get her hair brushed, what, so many people on here would let their kids go about with their hair in a matted mess because they decided to 'pick their battles'. Bullshit 🙄. Not only does it sound like you need some support, but your dd needs an assessment if she is explosive on school as well as at home. Also, my niece has thick curly hair, and my sister uses total bribery to let her brush through it, and a load of conditioner as well. Hope you are ok

She didn't just hold her child down and shout though. She scared her so much that the child vomited. Then straight after, so vomit still still on the floor and in the childs mouth, physically restrained her by sitting on her. Enough to bruise her. The OP then blames the child for starting it. She's 5 ffs. And the other child also vomits when scared. This is not normal behaviour!
Yes, she should move on from this. Today is a new day. However moving on should include some serious thinking about who is the grown up here, some sort of anger management and a bloody hair cut so that this does not repeat itself.
And learning new ways of dealing with resistant children....restraining, fear and shouting are not right!

@MadamShazam

The 'pick your battles' is saying, once you realise the situation is escalating to an extent where physical force/shouting/loss of control etc is about to happen, then you choose to walk away, and deal with it later. You are picking when and how to have this situation dealt with. You are picking the option that doesn't result in physical or emotional damage ...

Nobody is advocating that the child's hair should never be brushed.

@00100001

I wouldn’t force a child to cut their hair short to make my life easier no.

I am with @Curiosity101
I don’t want to add to your low mood but I do feel people are giving responses that I disagree with.
I find your OP so hard to read.
Even just this
Needed to comb her hair and she absolutely would not co-operate. Shouted at her and sat her between my legs with them wrapped round her.

Unless there is a medical reason, you don’t need to comb her hair. So it gets matted. Who cares. If it gets that bad then she will see she needs a haircut.
How are we meant to teach our children safety around their bodies and consent when you pin her down like that.
The only time I pin mine down is to get a vaccine or bloods down or if they were in immediate danger.

I find it so distressing to read how you were fighting on the floor. Sorry but no, this is not normal behaviour.
No point dwelling over it now but it is wrong to minimise it because that will lead to it happening again.

The fact that she gave you a cuddle afterwards is not good anyway. I am telling you this because this was the path that lead me to years of abusive partners and making excuses and forgiving again and again.

Of course you can change it now, never too late. Forgive yourself and find another way to deal with these situations.

It sounds like there are a lot of issues here, but focusing on just the hair brushing if it's a recurring problem.
Sit down with her and tell her that hair brushing has become a problem and you need to solve it together. Get a piece of paper and a pen and write down your first idea, so for example 'mummy brushes your hair while watching tv' then let her go. She will probably say 'we never brush my hair'. No matter how silly, write it down. Take turns until you're out of ideas. When you're finished, go through together and veto ideas. So you say 'well if we never brush your hair, it will get matted and need to be cut off, so we can cross this one out' let her veto one. Keep going until you've reached a compromise. Maybe bathing everyday and brushing hair in the bath with conditioner.
I think working on your anger separately is another issue. Good luck.

I cannot read this read any longer due to the minimising of shouting at children, hitting them and then of course the OP's aborrent behaviour.
Being in a lockdown situation is NO EXCUSE for child abuse. If you are saying that it is - and some of you are - then presumably those men who have beaten and murdered their wives and familes whilst in lockdown had a cast iron excuse? They were a bit stressed and took it out on their familes? NO.
For a site that is supposed to be pro-children this has been a horrifyingly eye opening look in to some people's mind sets and it is not a pretty sight.

@koshkatt some people may be minimising it but the overwhelming majority have offered advice suggesting to get help and push the SS and schools for this support.

not helpful to keep just bashing

@koshkatt, Nobody is advocating child abuse. The OP is reaching out for help as she is devastated with whats happening and she is on the verge of calling SS for help. Men who kill their wives do not reach out on social media for help with their anger issues 🙄 I agree that the situation is awful and can't continue, but people continually berating her when she knows she is in the wrong is hardly helpful.
OP, I think it is worth calling SS, I have friends who have done this when they have reached their limit with their family situation, and it has helped enormously. Social workers are not going to come and take your kids away, but they will support you in every way they can.

@Awfulmum1304

that isn't what i asked.

I asked why you would allow a small child to continue to make a decision that causes them upset every day....

There was an episode of super nanny which dealt with this. Might be worth looking up.

I think she got the little girl to brush a dolly’s hair while mummy brushed her hair and they sang a song, with the agreement that the hair brushing would only last for as long as the song.

My daughter (also 5) has hair down to her bottom, luckily it’s straight, but if she complains about me brushing it I say it’s a choice between brushing it or shorter hair.

sorry that post was for @justanotherneighinparadise

and it isn't about making YOUR life easier neigh - it's about the child's life easier.

If you had a child that struggled EVERY SINGLE DAY to tie their shoelaces, to the point of tears and angry outbursts from all involved. Because that child won't let you help them with their shoelaces but they cannot do them by themselves.

Why would you continue to buy them lace up shoes when their is an alternative (eg velcro) - even if that alternative is for 6 months until the child can cope with shoelaces.

Just because the child "doesn't want" velcro shoes....

it's insane that you would willingly put a child through this nonsense when there is an alternative.

Using a tangle teaser brush really helps with my DD’s super curly hair. I’ve also just started using the Garnier Hair Food (she loves the banana one), which helps keep her hair knot free much longer than her last conditioner. Can also use it as a leave in too in-between washes. We religiously brush twice a day to keep the knots out and although it was a huge battle at first, it’s actually helped as it doesn’t hurt anymore as the number of knots is dramatically reduced. Tying her hair up (she still won’t let me plait it yet) also helps keep the number of knots down. I’ve taken to brushing her hair whilst she does her teeth as she’s engrossed in the Duggee tooth brushing video while she does it.
This lockdown is a real test of patience; the fact you feel awful and want to make sure it doesn’t happen again shows you are a good mum! Just try and work out a plan to make it less stressful for you both. Hope you’re ok xx

@binary I’m afraid I still wouldn’t cut a child’s hair against their will. I’d find another solution.

@00100001 Just because the child "doesn't want" velcro shoes....

So what if the child then refuses to put on the shoes? Has outbursts because they don't want Velcro they want laces? What about if they had to go out in the next 20 mins because of school or a medical appointment. What would you do then? Would you send them to school without any shoes on (baring in mind you've said they can't have the laces they must wear Velcro)?

Please don't listen to the posters saying call SS. You will create a bomb going off on your life I suspect. What good will come of that? You made a mistake. Learn from it and move on. Abuse is systematic and repetitive. This is an isolated incident. SS need their resources protected to safeguard children that are being neglected physically, mentally or sexually abused. God if SS were so keen when I was a child there's no way I'd be with my parents! And we are good friends and they look after my own DC! On another note I'm way too soft on my kids. I lack discipline and tend to give them what they want too much because im worried I'll get frustrated if they disobey and may end up losing it. Neither is perfect