To tell vulnerable relative they'll just have to make do

[Shrubbish]

A member of my family has learning difficulties, no formal diagnosis but struggles with basic reading/writing and social skills. They have capacity but function mentally much younger than they are. They are elderly.

They cannot and do not budget their money. This makes things difficult because they do have capacity so are expected to be responsible, but responsible they are not.

They called me this morning (2nd week in a row) and said they are running low on food and can I help. They don't bank, they use the post office so I couldn't simply transfer the money over.

Faced with the possibility of them going without until they get paid on Tuesday, I very reluctantly agreed to give them another £20.

I had to visit three different cash points as two were out of service, I then met them in a desolate car park (maintaining the 2m distance) and put the money on the floor. I was wearing gloves, not to say I think that makes things any better.

The same happened last week, they needed £10 which was supposed to be for bread, milk, cereal etc. I suspect they spent it on cigarettes.

I can't and won't do this again, but what do I say when they call me and say they're without food/electric?

I'm anxious and angry because I've put myself and others at risk, but felt obligated as they are telling me they would be without food. I have children at home and a DH who is currently taking unpaid leave, so all of our efforts to stay safe seem pointless if I continue to disregard the rules.

Feel free to give me a hard time, I encourage it. I'm furious with myself and would expect nothing less.

WIBU to say that's it, no more, either budget or go without.

To add, they've outright said they do not want me to do their shopping. They are adamant they want to do it themselves.

I've offered to do them a food shop when we do our once weekly food shop and been told no, don't do that, I like to get my own bits.

What services for vulnerable elderly has your local council set up. I know ours has a central contact point for requesting support. Might be worth seeing what’s available locally. They’ve been delivering food boxes for example

I agree you shouldn’t bail them out further. Or if you feel you should, meet them as you did before and take basic foodstuffs only. Do you have any other family to help ?

You are not being unreasonable. They are just scamming you. Otherwise they would take you up on your offer

To elaborate on elderly, 63 but fit healthy and active

I'd say budget or go without. You have to draw a line somewhere OP, sounds as if you've already done more than enough.

What risk do you see in visiting a ATM? If no one else is around, and you wash your hands thoroughly, there's really no risk to you at all.

For an elderly relative with a learning disability, I'd expect their family to be doing their shopping right now tbh. Would also solve the problem of them being unable to budget if they aren't capable of doing it.

they've outright said they do not want me
to do their shopping. They are adamant they want to do it themselves.

Oh well tough luck then. Surely they’d rather accept your shopping, than starve?

Offer this only, and stand your ground.

Crossed post about the shopping.
In that case, see what sort of support is available locally and refer your relative. Tell them you’re doing that and say you expect them to make use of it as you can’t help in the current situation.

Please refer them to social services or a charity as their learning disability makes them very vulnerable.

I don't think they are 'scamming' you as previous poster has said.

Blimey-is 63 considered elderly!? That’s well below my retirement age!

One other relative is able to help but feel the same way that I do about unnecessary journeys, they also have hypertension

It hadn't occurred to see whether the council can offer support thanks I will see if they have anything in place.

Sadly even if the food was sorted I still feel I would get the calls because they want cigarettes. I feel much more able to say "no way" if they were to ask for those, but they hide it under the guise of needing absolute essentials.

Oh right, just seen that they are refusing for you to do their shopping. Tell them tough luck, it's either a weekly drop off of food, or nothing. No more money.

You're not unreasonable, there's no reason why this person cannot go out and do their own shopping. I think many post offices are still open where they can get their cash.

I just checked and there are three near me that are open, they may not be open the same hours as usual but you could look up the nearest for him and he can phone them to find out.

For all that, you've been very good to this person so well done.

IRT the risk of cash machines, I think I've got myself worked up about having to visit three today and then worried about the amount of traffic those cash machines will have on a daily basis. I do wash my hands when I get home but it's not fail safe.

If they'd just stop smoking they wouldn't find themselves sort of money imo. Cigarettes are expensive and they prioritise those.

Can you take a set portion of the money for shopping, and leave them with some for add on bits? Would that work? It's tough isn't it.

I don't think they are scamming you, and they probably do not understand what we are actually going through either.

63 is not elderly

I wouldn’t say they’re elderly tbh. Have they been assessed for capacity ever? I imagine social work is inundated at the minute.

How do they manage their money usually? Is it the same, with you having to sort them out?

I would say you can sort essentials for them (through a food box service if they qualify) or nothing.

Their learning disability messes them vulnerable and impulsive control and lacks of thought processing is a big thing for those with lower iqs.

They do need help not condemnation as they cannot help Hiw they are.

Also op what you did was at no risk to you and your family as long as you wash properly.

Contact adult care services, which are shit bit hopefully they will be able to help. Of not do not give them any money but hop for basics for them and leave it on their door step.

Completely agree with @chickedeee

@Shrubbish if they really do have a learning difficulty - it worries me that you’re talking about them like this.

Who had got their back? Who cares for them and loves them? Can’t believe some people are judging someone with a learning difficulty, lucky for them they don’t have one!!

You need to seek professional advice for them.

I should say I don’t begrudge people a drink or a fag! But it sounds from what you say that they’re burning through money rather than having too little to begin with?

Order them an essentials box from Morrison's for £20 that should keep them going for a week

Bringing food to elderly relatives is an essential outing. As much as I abhor smoking, really I am seriously anti-smoking, I might even be willing to add a pack or two to my shopping list in this situation because it would help keep elderly relative from going out.

Tell them they’re either happy for you to get their shopping with yours, or they go without. YANBU

@flirtygirl exactly right. Learning difficulties can make people physically impossible unable to live up to people’s high expectations of being perfect.

Yes 63 is not elderly, apologies

I was trying to be vague about the age because I have a family member that I suspect uses the website and I didn't want to be recognised, but wanted to clarify the age afterwards incase people got the impression my relative was very old and not physically able.

Honkers that would be possible yes, I will give it some thought. They are due to be paid on Tuesday so I will come up with a plan.

Whatever I do, it means having direct contact, and that makes me nervous.

I have a weak immune system and don't like to be outside at all. I've left the house three times in three weeks, the last two being to take this relative money.