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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell vulnerable relative they'll just have to make do

266 replies

Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 16:00

A member of my family has learning difficulties, no formal diagnosis but struggles with basic reading/writing and social skills. They have capacity but function mentally much younger than they are. They are elderly.

They cannot and do not budget their money. This makes things difficult because they do have capacity so are expected to be responsible, but responsible they are not.

They called me this morning (2nd week in a row) and said they are running low on food and can I help. They don't bank, they use the post office so I couldn't simply transfer the money over.

Faced with the possibility of them going without until they get paid on Tuesday, I very reluctantly agreed to give them another £20.

I had to visit three different cash points as two were out of service, I then met them in a desolate car park (maintaining the 2m distance) and put the money on the floor. I was wearing gloves, not to say I think that makes things any better.

The same happened last week, they needed £10 which was supposed to be for bread, milk, cereal etc. I suspect they spent it on cigarettes.

I can't and won't do this again, but what do I say when they call me and say they're without food/electric?

I'm anxious and angry because I've put myself and others at risk, but felt obligated as they are telling me they would be without food. I have children at home and a DH who is currently taking unpaid leave, so all of our efforts to stay safe seem pointless if I continue to disregard the rules.

Feel free to give me a hard time, I encourage it. I'm furious with myself and would expect nothing less.

WIBU to say that's it, no more, either budget or go without.

OP posts:
PenisBeakerDipper · 09/04/2020 16:17

I would offer to send one of the Morrison’s/m and s food parcels or nothing at all. It sounds hard, because they’re vulnerable, but if you send the food the option is there and you can’t put yourself and others at risk for (what you suspect is) cigarettes.

80sMum · 09/04/2020 16:18

This is a difficult one!

You say that your relative functions mentally "much younger than they are". Considering that the person is an adult, I assume from that statement that you mean they have the mental age of a child.

So, now let's imagine that they are a child and very quickly it becomes obvious why they can't or won't budget - they just don't have sufficient understanding to do so.

Your relative needs assistance. But it doesn't mean that you have to provide it all. I think on your shoes I would try contacting local charities and support groups, as well as the local authority "adult services" section.

Maybe even posting on the local community page on Facebook might bear fruit and point you to some helpful organisations.

VeniceQueen2004 · 09/04/2020 16:20

Talk about a self made problem. You tell them you will do them a shop for essentials and leave it outside their house, take it or leave it. If they don't accept they are not hungry.

OhhhPeee · 09/04/2020 16:22

The budgeting issue has nothing to do with the lockdown - they must run out of money every week. They are using the lockdown as an excuse to try and get money out of you. Say that you are struggling for money yourself but could drop some food staples round. I bet the offer is not accepted.

MiaowMix · 09/04/2020 16:22

This reply has been deleted

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wheetos · 09/04/2020 16:22

DO NOT hand over anymore money because this is going to happen over and over and over again. I would be very very clear though now that you won't be handing over money again. Do not give it one more go and do not give any warning. I know it's difficult when it's family and its not always easy to stand up for yourself but, you either do some light shopping along with your own or they go without. They'll not starve.

Appuskidu · 09/04/2020 16:22

The budgeting issue has nothing to do with the lockdown - they must run out of money every week. They are using the lockdown as an excuse to try and get money out of you. Say that you are struggling for money yourself but could drop some food staples round. I bet the offer is not accepted.

This

wheetos · 09/04/2020 16:23

@miaowmix give it a rest.

Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 16:24

I can see I'm coming across as quite heartless, I promise that isn't the case. I help them alot, I'm just exhausted and anxious.

This is a regular occurrence and whilst I didn't begrudge these trips previously, I'm no longer in a position to be doing it every week.

Adult social care aren't interested at all unfortunately.

I have been trying to help them budget for years, prior to lockdown we had an arrangement where their post office card would be kept at my home and they would come and withdraw when they needed things so I could help them make their money stretch as long as possible.

We can't do that now because we're not supposed to be mixing households.

They took their card back pre-lockdown and now this is the result.

They refuse to smoke tobacco and instead choose to buy expensive packets of cigarettes at £10 a go.

OP posts:
Msfoxy17 · 09/04/2020 16:26

OP -can't believe that anyone thinks you're being unreasonable. Sound like youre doing all you can - and you must be quite desperate to have gone to lengths of posting for advice. I'm not sure what to advise to be honest but think you're doing your best in difficult circumstances. Hope it gets better.

MiaowMix · 09/04/2020 16:26

Give what a rest? @wheetos
Hmm
If it's ok with you I'll comment whatever I like on a thread. 👍🏼

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 09/04/2020 16:27

I work with vulnerable adults and my feeling is that basic needs like being able to get food are more important than social distancing e.g. if a person needs help to shop or to cook or clean. That said, how does this person usually manage? If you feel they are taking advantage of you it's not unreasonable to set some boundaries. Would they let you look after half their cash and then give it to them half way through the month? Or can you insist on being paid back the day they are paid so you have £20 back to re-lend if needed? Or tell them if they run out this month you will drop round a bag of basics but you won't give them cash.

Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 16:28

I've name changed, like I said I don't want to be recognised.

Believe me I'm the last person who would judge her for smoking, but I do think she should smoke tobacco and not expensive packets of cigarettes.

OP posts:
recrudescence · 09/04/2020 16:28

Tell them that you are only able to deliver, or arrange delivery, of essential food and household items. Repeat this and only this in the face of objections.

VenusTiger · 09/04/2020 16:31

63 is certainly NOT elderly, not at ALL - you can work right up to 75 - anyway, don't be so hard on yourself OP, you're trying to be kind and decent. The fact that relative refuses food is a bit of a signal that they are in fact spending the money on other things - so, next time they call, say you'll leave some essential items on their doorstep and that is ALL - you will not be handling money again ever - tell them it's for contamination reasons if you must, just do not give any more money away.

ButteryPuffin · 09/04/2020 16:32

You're not being harsh. You've been too soft in just giving in to them insisting on doing their own shopping. As pp said, you say it's either you buy the food for them or nothing.
Can they get patches for the smoking?

VladmirsPoutine · 09/04/2020 16:32

I then met them in a desolate car park (maintaining the 2m distance) and put the money on the floor. I was wearing gloves, not to say I think that makes things any better.

Good grief! Even just reading about this elaborate pick up/drop off is tiring.

From your op, you seem to be the type of person that gets very wound up by things very easily; makes life hard for themselves but wants to martyr nonetheless.

LostInTheWoods1 · 09/04/2020 16:34

You consider 63 elderly? That’s still working age, not remotely elderly.

DareToTiger · 09/04/2020 16:37

Refuse to give them money.

Tell them you're happy to drop off essentials to their doorstep, but you won't give them money.

Are they a parent?

Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 16:39

Thank you for the replies. I'm going to tell her I will arrange to drop food when needed but can no longer meet up to hand over cash.

She isn't prepared to quit smoking at the minute and that is fair enough, but I do keep pressing for her to switch to tobacco which would save alot of money.

From your op, you seem to be the type of person that gets very wound up by things very easily; makes life hard for themselves but wants to martyr nonetheless

I'm generally fairly laid back, I'm wound up because I don't want to be leaving the house. I have a weak immune system and in all other areas have been very stringent about reducing the risk of infection. Within the past 12 months I have spent time in intensive care, needed blood transfusions and been extremely unwell. I cannot be taking unnecessary risks.

OP posts:
Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 16:40

You consider 63 elderly? That’s still working age, not remotely elderly

Yes you are right. I was trying to be vague about the age as I don't want to be recognised, then I clarified as I didn't want to mislead and for people to think they are very old and not physically able.

A parent yes

OP posts:
morecoffeerequired · 09/04/2020 16:41

Well if your relative is adamant about wanting to do their own shopping, then they can manage to go to the post office and withdraw money.

Do you have any other relatives nearby?

MashedPotatoBrainz · 09/04/2020 16:43

Just tell them that you don't have any cash but you can add items they need to your shop. Take it or leave it. If they leave it then you know they didn't really need it in the first place.

Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 16:43

She is able to go to the post office and withdraw money for her shopping yes, the issue is she's spent it all and has nothing left until Tuesday hence needing to borrow.

There is another relative locally but they fall into the vulnerable (health) category so it's not safe for them to be doing this either.

OP posts:
MiaowMix · 09/04/2020 16:48

But @Shrubbish you have said that you're vulnerable yourself so just don't do it. No need for the additional information about what they spend their own money on. Just explain you're not in a position to help. No drama or stealth meetings to hand over cash.
Either the council helps them, or a neighbour, or somebody else in your wider family, surely?