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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell vulnerable relative they'll just have to make do

266 replies

Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 16:00

A member of my family has learning difficulties, no formal diagnosis but struggles with basic reading/writing and social skills. They have capacity but function mentally much younger than they are. They are elderly.

They cannot and do not budget their money. This makes things difficult because they do have capacity so are expected to be responsible, but responsible they are not.

They called me this morning (2nd week in a row) and said they are running low on food and can I help. They don't bank, they use the post office so I couldn't simply transfer the money over.

Faced with the possibility of them going without until they get paid on Tuesday, I very reluctantly agreed to give them another £20.

I had to visit three different cash points as two were out of service, I then met them in a desolate car park (maintaining the 2m distance) and put the money on the floor. I was wearing gloves, not to say I think that makes things any better.

The same happened last week, they needed £10 which was supposed to be for bread, milk, cereal etc. I suspect they spent it on cigarettes.

I can't and won't do this again, but what do I say when they call me and say they're without food/electric?

I'm anxious and angry because I've put myself and others at risk, but felt obligated as they are telling me they would be without food. I have children at home and a DH who is currently taking unpaid leave, so all of our efforts to stay safe seem pointless if I continue to disregard the rules.

Feel free to give me a hard time, I encourage it. I'm furious with myself and would expect nothing less.

WIBU to say that's it, no more, either budget or go without.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 19/04/2020 00:39

I'm really sorry to hear your latest update.

I know how worrying and upsetting this is for you, 0please try and maintain boundaries and keep yourself as emotionally safe as possible,

Osiras · 19/04/2020 00:43

Forrest I am going to commit to al anon meetings for myself once all of this is over. I have been in denial about what I can do for her IRT the drinking but have come to accept that it's out of my control sadly.

Youthecat, that made me emotional. Thank you so much, you're very kind (as are the rest of you leaving me such messages)

Justilou, I'm so sorry you were put through that. It sounds truly horrible. I hope your therapy is working well and that you get to the place you need to be in. It's such complex trauma isn't it, when it stems throughout your whole life.

You are correct I do have cPTSD. I've been having therapy for the past 9 months but for reasons I cannot explain I couldn't bring myself to talk about mum or my childhood in great detail. I omitted to mention everything I mentioned here and my therapy has been focussed on my abusive past relationship and a near death experience I had last year.

Buttery, thank you. I am trying to remind myself of the fact that my children need me more at the minute (they actually want to be helped) Grin

It's so difficult not to feel responsible for her though.

Ginger, thank you I will do my best. I've refrained from going down there tonight even though I was aching to check on her.

I know what I would find if I did go, she would just be pissed and start moaning at me for turning up. She doesn't like me going to her place unannounced, we all know why that is

Osiras · 19/04/2020 00:45

I am the OP by the way, I've name changed

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 19/04/2020 01:00

It sounds like you have gone above and beyond OP.

I've only read the first 100 or so posts - risk factors of your being out aside, you don't say whether you can regularly afford to subsidise them by this amount on a regular basis.
Have you thought about putting them in touch with the local food bank? - as long as you keep giving them money, they will see it as a regular part of their income. Maybe saying "no" occasionally would change their behaviour?

ChristmasCarcass · 19/04/2020 01:07

OP, you sound lovely. I’m sorry for what you went through growing up - I look at my own children and it breaks my heart to think how emotionally abused you were.

You mum may well have LDs, but the behaviour just sounds like bog standard alcoholic/junkie manipulativeness. The alleged “running out of money for food”, the fake illness when you try to enforce boundaries, the playing you and your aunt off against each other - absolutely classic unfortunately. Probably learning it all off her alcoholic mates.

Take a big step back. She won’t starve. Unless I’d literally see the empty shelves for myself I wouldn’t believe she was ever out of food anyway - probably just wants more money for alcohol/cigarettes and is saying “food” because you are more likely to feel guilty and give in to that.

justilou1 · 19/04/2020 03:01

You have been trained to dance to her tune in the same way mice have been trained with painful electric shocks. You are now sitting around expecting something dire to happen. If it does, it will be “all your fault” because you didn’t “xxx”... Logically, you must know that this is simply not true. Logically you must also know that you must be more present for your kids than your adult mother, yet you have been trained to have 100% of your emotional attention focussed in her direction. It’s not fair on you or your kids to miss out like this. (*experience talking again)

strongteawith2sugars · 23/04/2020 22:54

@shrubbish - you're doing really well and your update mirrors the situation with my relative and I can only advise to keep your head high. I know the worry and stress mounts on you but you're doing everything you can and more. Stay safe and know you've done the best anyone can do xx

Gingerkittykat · 24/04/2020 03:24

@Shrubbish Has there been any developments since your last post?

MamaFrey29 · 24/04/2020 04:26

63 is not elderly!!!!!! It's not even retirement age!

CodenameVillanelle · 24/04/2020 06:01

Jeez @MamaFrey29 she explained about a million times that she was trying to be obscure in her OP and change details

80sMum · 24/04/2020 10:03

One of the people who used to work in the same place as me was very similar to your mum @Shrubbish
He's the same age as your mum, was also described as "slow" in school, can only read very simple text and can just about write his name but nothing else. Eventually, we persuaded him to go to his gp to request an assessment. He was referred to a psychologist for a full assessment and her report, which he wanted me to read for him, concluded that he had severe learning difficulties and a very low IQ and a mental age of 4 years.

Back in the 1960s, when I, my former colleague and your mum were at school, children deemed to be "slow" were just put at the back of the classroom and given a few pieces of paper and some wax crayons to play with (I remember such children from my own school days). So, like my former colleague, your mum was never assessed and 'slipped through the net' so to speak.

If she could be persuaded to have a full assessment, she might then be deemed eligible for help. Maybe worth a try?

Shrubbish · 24/04/2020 16:14

No major updates fortunately, she's fine and has ran out of money so hasn't been drinking this week. Thank god.

I spoke with her yesterday and asked whether she was ok for food, she is.

My aunt has been buying her cigarettes so she's accumulating more to pay back but that's down to my aunt to discuss with her. I have written off what she owed me.

80smum, that is very interesting. I am sure i would be able to persuade her to see the GP and ask for such a thing. I'd be happy to go with her and lead the conversation with GP once lockdown ends.

It isn't something she could pursue on her own, she wouldn't know what to ask for nor would she understand what it is she needs.

She's likely to respond negatively to the implication that there's something wrong with her so it's not a chat I'm looking forward to.

To hear that your ex colleague was functioning at such a low level for all of that time with no support is saddening. I do think mum needs that type of assessment which would hopefully open doors for support that we can't access now.

She has definitely slipped through the net.

I'm not sure what the wait time for something like that would be, but for my son an ASD assessment was time framed as two years.

OP posts:
Shrubbish · 24/04/2020 16:21

I'm in two minds whether to ask her to hand over the post office card back to me so I can pay her bills and budget for her again.

It's not advisable really because I need to be staying indoors, but the stress and anxiety that comes with her drinking through her money makes me feel ill and affects my sleep. I can't relax for worrying about her hurting herself.

She is a complex case when it comes to alcohol because she can and does go without it when she doesn't have money, because I refuse to buy it for her.

She is what is known as a binge drinker, as in once she starts she doesn't stop.

Though she isn't physically dependent, she can and does go for extended periods (a week, a fortnight) with no ill effects.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 24/04/2020 16:45

You have to let the consequences come to her so she gets the help she needs.

Don't go back to parenting her.

Butterymuffin · 24/04/2020 18:59

Agree with Tork. If you keep stepping in nothing will ever change and you'll be budgeting for her for the next 10, 20, 30 years potentially. Plus, you must make yourself and your own kids a higher priority. Do not take possibly fatal risks to help with these problems. They need to be dealt with in other ways.

Gingerkittykat · 26/04/2020 18:35

I'm glad there are no disasters since your last posts.

It might be worth contacting Christians Against Poverty, as well as debt management they set up budgeting plans and take control of people's finances.

Fuel companies can be paid directly from benefits which is also something you could look into setting up.

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