Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell vulnerable relative they'll just have to make do

266 replies

Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 16:00

A member of my family has learning difficulties, no formal diagnosis but struggles with basic reading/writing and social skills. They have capacity but function mentally much younger than they are. They are elderly.

They cannot and do not budget their money. This makes things difficult because they do have capacity so are expected to be responsible, but responsible they are not.

They called me this morning (2nd week in a row) and said they are running low on food and can I help. They don't bank, they use the post office so I couldn't simply transfer the money over.

Faced with the possibility of them going without until they get paid on Tuesday, I very reluctantly agreed to give them another £20.

I had to visit three different cash points as two were out of service, I then met them in a desolate car park (maintaining the 2m distance) and put the money on the floor. I was wearing gloves, not to say I think that makes things any better.

The same happened last week, they needed £10 which was supposed to be for bread, milk, cereal etc. I suspect they spent it on cigarettes.

I can't and won't do this again, but what do I say when they call me and say they're without food/electric?

I'm anxious and angry because I've put myself and others at risk, but felt obligated as they are telling me they would be without food. I have children at home and a DH who is currently taking unpaid leave, so all of our efforts to stay safe seem pointless if I continue to disregard the rules.

Feel free to give me a hard time, I encourage it. I'm furious with myself and would expect nothing less.

WIBU to say that's it, no more, either budget or go without.

OP posts:
Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 17:36

Thank you for the continued replies. I expected I would be torn to shreds, so I'm grateful for the kindness.

I'm not familiar with the Morrison's boxes but will have a read up about that in a second. As it stands, DH is doing our once weekly shop in person as we can't for want of trying - get a delivery slot.

I'm absolutely not going to be handing over cash again.

(Preparing for backlash for this next bit but) I do think she uses her LD's to her advantage. She is so used to people helping her, it is now expected as standard.

She was a bad mother, and that's not down to her learning difficulties because lots of people with those are loving and selfless, even if they struggle on the more complex aspects. She's been uniformly selfish, and I'm sad to say this but that won't change. She will never be the mother you deserved. I'm so very sorry for that. You, like all children, deserved so much better

Thank you for this. I do have these feelings but try to suppress them, it's become the norm to let bygones be bygones and just be thankful she's still in my life. That sounds a bit pathetic doesn't it.

We have one other relative locally who also jumps through hoops for mum, but like I say, has health problems so shouldn't be doing it either.

My older brother lives an hour away and has very little to do with her, I only found out about his existence 2 years ago. We have developed a good relationship but I would never expect him to run around after mum. She gave him up at birth.

I don't mean to paint her as a monster, she does have redeeming qualities, I'm just frustrated at the minute.

I've spoke with adult social care and they're not interested at all

OP posts:
MiaowMix · 09/04/2020 17:39

@Leaannb I just found it all very confusing actually, it seemed a rant about cigarettes more than anything. I didn't even realise it was the poster's mum. Now it's been clarified it makes more sense. I just don't understand the subterfuge of all this. Why not just say 'I don't want to buy my mum's shopping and cigarettes and I am immune suppressed' rather than this weird roundabout way of asking.
Obviously if op's (not elderly) mother is in good health then there's literally no issue. Just say not mum, I can't'. No drama.

Eckhart · 09/04/2020 17:47

@MiaowMix 'No drama's a bit rich, if you don't mind me saying so, given your out and out, unnecessary rudeness to OP and her situation.

OP, have Adult Social Care assessed her situation and said there's no need for her to have help? If that's the case, how come she's expecting so much help from you? Is she just taking advantage? It sounds like she might be, in light of the details about your upbringing.

Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 17:48

@MiaowMix because there is a sense of obligation on my part, because she's vulnerable (and irresponsible) and I worry about her.

I appreciate my lack of context in the OP clouds things a bit. I was trying to be vague initially as my situation is identifiable but decided it's best I add all relevant details.

OP posts:
Shrubbish · 09/04/2020 17:52

@Eckhart yep adult social care aren't interested at all. She has capacity and lives independently, she manages to pay her bills and not get into debt.

She's just irresponsible, but because she has learning difficulties that makes her vulnerable so I feel a sense of obligation to always make sure she's ok.

She's perfectly capable of shopping, paying bills, maintaining her home. It is budgeting she "struggles" with, but I'm pretty sure that's only because she knows she has a buffer and people won't see her starve or go without essentials.

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 09/04/2020 17:55

I'd say you will buy them food, but not cash or cigarettes
If they choose to go out for cigs, that's their own risk, but don't risk your own health for that

All these years as a young carer and then now - you've done far more than your "duty"
Time to live your own life
After this crisis, I suggest moving away again and letting them get on with it.
As long as you are around, Social Services will not help

ThinkPink71 · 09/04/2020 17:55

What were they doing before this happened? Sounds like they are taking the mick. 63 is a hardly elderly.

Eckhart · 09/04/2020 17:58

she knows she has a buffer and people won't see her starve or go without essentials

It's good that you recognise that this is why she continues to 'struggle'. Now might be the time to put your foot down. Your health is at risk and for once, you must put yourself first. I think pps had a good idea with the Morrison's essentials box. You'll know she won't starve, then, and, if you explain to her why you're doing it, she might realise you've started to put yourself first, and it could be a healthy step towards a better relationship for you both. It's not easy, though, I know.

UniversalAunt · 09/04/2020 18:08

63 Elderly?
FFS !
You are being played.

If you think being 63 is elderly, then they saw you coming!

They may be vulnerable & find everyday things challenging for many other reasons, but not because of their age.

JakeChambers · 09/04/2020 18:09

I completely understand the cycle of frustration and guilt OP. You could be writing about my mum with everything but the learning difficulties. My mum is physically disabled after a botched operation.

It really is difficult when they know what to get away with and how to push your buttons. I hadn't been in touch with my M for months until this all kicked off, for many reasons, but I felt guilty and text her to offer some shopping. Since then it's been almost daily texts asking for money for milk and bread, but I know really it's for cigarettes. The only way is to find a method of getting food to her, I also recommend the Morrisons food boxes, and say no to cash. Be kind to yourself.

MiaowMix · 09/04/2020 18:14

@Shrubbish sorry if I was rude. I understand now I know the backstory. But I think as you are unwell and she is healthy, just don't be blackmailed.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/04/2020 18:20

" It is budgeting she "struggles" with, but I'm pretty sure that's only because she knows she has a buffer and people won't see her starve or go without essentials."
For most people, budgeting is a matter of matching your outgoings to your income. Your mum budgets the other way around - by matching her income to her outgoings. I don't think she's 'struggling' with budgeting, she's just approaching it differently - which is easy to do when you are unconcerned about how 'her' increased income decreases others.

You can step back from being her additional income.

Summersunandoranges · 09/04/2020 18:21

You just need to stop doing it.

They would have run out of money every week before lock down. Was you doing this then? How did they manage then?

LilacTree1 · 09/04/2020 18:25

OP is she vulnerable? That word gets bandied around a lot on MN.

I would get her food delivered.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 09/04/2020 18:26

The reason she insists on doing her own shopping isn't because she wants to do it herself, it's because she wants to buy fags. The needing food is the scam to get you to pay up.

Summersunandoranges · 09/04/2020 18:27

Ah I just read your last posts.

I don’t think she is as vulnerable as she lets you think. If she can pay her bills and not get in debt - which a lot of ‘normal’ people do - she’s got her head screwed on alright.

Stop giving her money. She’s taking the piss.

Caryler · 09/04/2020 18:29

If you feel you need to continue ensuring they have food, Could you give them one of those voucher cards for their local supermarkets? I know at least tesco do one aimed at students where you give them the card and then top up yourself online? Would save you a trip and would ensure it goes on food!

UniversalAunt · 09/04/2020 18:33

@Shrubbish after my burst of indignation, I have read through your post with more care.

You have been a Carer for many years for your mother who possibly has learning difficulties, but is seemingly unable &/or unwilling to manage their financial affairs so that they can live independently.
Your mother at times has been wilfully self centred & neglected you to the point where Social Services became involved.
She exploits your goodwill & feeds on some residual guilt that she has inculcated in you because she is a skilled enough manipulator to do so.
The natural parent to child relationship between you pivoted long ago & you have become parent to her child & she is the child who just refuses to grow up. Loads of fear, obligation & guilt swilling around.
Have I got some of this right?

So, you cannot change her but you can change what you do & how you do things.This is your escape & salvation.
Meh that everything at the local authority Is now shut until Tuesday & that operational focus is on COVID19.

You need for your wellbeing & sanity a local authority Carers Assessment. Once your local Council is open you need to get on to this. You may have to push hard, but it is your right in law to have this assessment.

You would benefit from joining a local carers support group if there is one locally. This can really help manage the situation, get support & let off steam.

But until then, for the next few days, have a good mooch round the Carers UK website - www.carersuk.org - loads of information about the nitty gritty of being a Carer AND a forum packed full of experienced carers who heard it all before, got the T-shirt & can offer bare faced encouragement & support.

If your mum smokes her money away, that is her choice. If she does not prioritise having food over fags that is her choice.

COVID19 has pulled away many of the planks carers use to shore up how they supported people, & this has exposed how precarious the situation is for many unpaid carers.

You must put yourself first - for your health & wellbeing. Otherwise you & your immediate family are loosing out on the quality of your lives together.

Talia99 · 09/04/2020 18:44

The Morrison’s box sounds a good idea except I have an aunt with learning difficulties (without the manipulation and with strict rules on budgeting drilled into her by her parents) and she can’t cook. At all. A box of items that are supposed to be ingredients of meals (which is pretty much what a Morrison’s box is) would be useless to her. I don’t know if it is the same for OP’s relative but it is something to bear in mind.

It might end up being a very expensive way to get her milk, butter and loo roll.

Helpwithaversion · 09/04/2020 18:46

Pass their details to a local volunteering scheme and let someone else deal with them if you can’t

CodenameVillanelle · 09/04/2020 19:05

Pass their details to a local volunteering scheme and let someone else deal with them if you can’t

Excuse me!?!?

The volunteers are for people who don't have family nearby. We are just people like you who want to help those in need. If the woman has no money then volunteers can't do shit for her anyway FFS.

amateursleuth · 09/04/2020 19:06

she just ploughs through it (cigarettes/wine) because she knows she can ask me or another relative for help and we won't see her go hungry

She has some understanding then of cause and effect and consequences. You can be tougher with her than you have been, without leaving her without any help. When this next happens, send a message saying something like 'ok I'll sort it' and then drop off some useful but boring food on her doorstep - loaf and baked beans, that sort of thing. Then text again and tell her it's there and that will get her through. Do not agree to go out again or do anything else.

Someone asked about patches earlier and I was wondering too. Has she ever tried them?

Helpwithaversion · 09/04/2020 19:11

Well if she’s saying she needs food then try could drop off from a food bank- if she declines that help then that’s up to her but OP sounds like she can’t cope with this anymore

WrongKindOfFace · 09/04/2020 19:12

I’m assuming she’s in receipt of benefits but it is possible to ask for benefits to be paid more frequently when someone struggles with budgeting due to a learning disability. It might not help that much with budgeting but at least it wouldn’t be as long to wait if she does run out of cash which may help you to feel less guilty.

strawberry2017 · 09/04/2020 19:16

Is it really a budgeting problem or is it that she knows you will always bail her out if she needs it so she doesn't try to budget?
X