To be furious with my parents

[SamsMumsCateracts]

They are in their sixties, DDad has a health condition, and they are just not following guidelines. They keep popping out, together and independently for completely unnecessary things from the shops, think gardening items, sweets, magazines etc. These are two intelligent, educated people, who fully understand and use the internet, so they don't need to pop out for a Take a Break etc.

My DM has also been going to visit my 92 year old a great Aunt who barely made it through the last year health wise.

They keep insisting that I pop the kids in the car and drive to theirs to exchange Easter and birthday gifts for the DC, then get angry when I try to explain why we won't be doing that, as apparently all their friends are doing it, "it's only one little trip, it won't matter", etc.

I'm fed up of being made out to be paranoid and neurotic, when I'm just trying to keep us all safe.

Anyone else feel like their parents just don't get it?

My dad isn't really getting it either. I think it's because we live rurally and we've heard of only two deaths local to us, I think the picture here will be much different this time in 3 weeks. I feel like I'm talking to my dad like he's the child here.

I don't understand why this is happening. Don't the older people tend to watch the News on the television? It couldn't be clearer. Are they avoiding watching it, or do they believe it is lies?

MIL walks to the corner shops most days, sometimes 2-3 times a day - she is 70, frail, underweight and a heavy smoker. She has been in and out of the hospital for the past 3 years. She thinks she will be fine as she ‘walks every day and is fit’ 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ To make things worse, she knocks the neighbours daily for frivolous reasons (to ask for bread or milk etc) - DP is happy to get supplies for her, so is the carer who visits twice a week, plus she practically lives in the bloody corner shop!!! We are furious but there is nothing we can do and she won’t listen.

A lot of them think they’ve had a good life, their time’s running out in any event and they don’t want to spend what little’s left in solitary confinement. Fear of death loosens its hold with increasing age. I get it completely.

The more you guys nag, the more they’ll dig their heels in. You won’t change them. Remember these wise words:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference

Thank you so much for that video @hoodathunkit, very informative and relevant to the current situation!

You're very welcome, it is always a pleasure to be able to help in any way

:)

When I first saw the video, which was recommended on youtube, I thought I would hate it and that it would be a self-help / wellness type of lecture, but it is in fact extremely helpful in terms of identifying ways that may motivate anyone to change their behaviour as well as identifying why teenagers and older people may struggle to comply with behaviour change needed due to threatening situations

I had not watched it for a while before watching it again and now realise that a lot of my posts about exercise, hand washing / home hygiene and viral load arise from having taken in the message that people are more likely to change their behaviour over rewards rather than threats.

I wonder whether it might be worth thinking together about how we can use the insights gained from the video to help elderly people, any people in fact, to change behaviour?

Here is the video again if anyone is interested

It’s not just their lives they’re risking though, is it?

“Serenity” doesn’t come into it.

How long is the video, and what are her key suggestions?

How long is the video, and what are her key suggestions?

The video is 16.47 minutes long

It is definitely worth watching

It is all about how people, especially teens and older people struggle to change their behaviour to protect themselves from perceived threats

It also suggests ways that may help all people to change their behaviour through social compliance, rewards and feelings of competition

I have some ideas about how we could use the info but it would be good if others could take a look as I sometimes miss things and it is useful to have a few minds thinking about these things together

It’s not just their lives they’re risking though, is it?

No, it isn’t but it’s not yours either, is it? There are two choices: you can get angry, nag and spoil your relationship with your parents (which clearly isn’t working); or accept that you can’t change it and leave them to it.

I was initially pretty angry when I saw an woman of about 30 on the outdoor gym equipment yesterday but it’s out of my control. All I could do was mentally shrug and walk past. Control what you can and forget the rest.

What practical suggestions does she make?

The whole community spirit / we are in this together thing is important so we may as well start on the thread by sharing ideas, if people would like to of course :)

If you'd like to watch the video and are pushed for time there is a little wheel / cog logo at the bottom right of the video and you can speed the video up and watch it more quickly is it helps

There are many more choices than that, alsohuman, eg assertiveness.

What practical suggestions does she make?

She gives various examples

It would take me longer to write them down for you than for you to watch the video

The whole point is for everyone to make an effort together for the common good - in the spirit of which watch the thing yourself lol

Wow, I'm amazed and depressed how many people have posted on here about people not following the rules. It's horrible and so so selfish. Fortunately my DP and PIL are both taking it seriously and following the rules, more or less.

Maybe ask them how they feel about dying alone or knowing their actions may have contributed to the death of someone they came into contact with? You could try shocking them into it?

Around here most people seem to be pretty compliant, the odd group of teens twatting about outside but at least they aren't going into shops etc.

OK, so I watched the video again and here are some thoughts from me about how elders (and others) might be helped to keep themselves safe

The lecturer states that research demonstrates that when confronted with threats we tend to avoid them or choose to believe in theories that are optimistic

That is certainly the case with elderly people near me. Many have decided to believe in conspiracy theories or just to not think about the issue. This is understandable because the virus is very scary and dangerous

The lecturer states that people are much more motivated to change behaviour over rewards rather than threats, this makes absolute sene to me

My suggestions to help compliance re handwashing and social distancing would be as follows:

Stress the importance of the viral load theory.

The severity of many infectious diseases is dependent on the viral load (the amount of virus that goes into the body). This was the case with scarlet fever, for example, where the first child infected was almost always far less ill than the subsequent children in a family home. This is because the immune systems of the later infected children had to deal with a much higher level of virus, due to the first child and then the subsequently infected children spreading the virus round the home.

With Covid-19 there are conflicting reports about the effect of viral load on the severity of the disese, so it is not 100% proven. Some research suggests it is important, some that it is uncertain. However it makes absolute sense to assume that it may very well be a causal factor in whether a person infected with the virus goes on to develop the disease (not all will) and whether a person who gets the disease lives or dies.

Thus we can talk to older people about the importance of keeping the virual load low via hand washing, good hygiene and social distancing.

This is very important because I think many older people just believe that they don't stand a chance and are committed to just enjoying themselves while they can.

They will have picked up that everyone will get it soooner rather than later and so many are thinking that there's not much point in living their last days in isolation and loneliness.

We need to tell them that they are not helpless and, even if they get the virus, if they can reduce the load they may stand a chance.

I think that elders also need to be aware that they can play an important and active role in protecting the next generations via compliance with social distancing

Compliance messages need to be asking for their help in terms of proecting others rather than stressing their own vulnerability and the viral load theory is useful in this respect also.

Nobody wants to consider themselves weak and vulnerable and older people definitely do not want to think of themselves in this way even if they are. Asking their assiatance in protecting others is I think a better way forward

I also think that competitions can be highly effective, for example, making face masks, competitions to see who can make the most, etc.

Humans are competitive and elders are no exception

I have to pop out for a bit will post more later

I am not that clever, so please, clever people, post some ideas too :)

Elders learn new things all the time and can engage with novel ideas and issues

For some reason this video came to mind, on a lighthearted vibe :)

Back later

All of my elderly relatives - parents, aunts & uncles (all mid seventies plus) have listened and acted accordingly. They are looking after themselves, not going out, disinfecting shopping and genuinely taking the threat seriously, as are most of their friends. My 100 year old Grandma is getting a bit cross about the lack of visitors but that’s about it. There is also a great sense of community and people are looking after each other.

There are stupid and selfish people flouting the rules but it’s not age related in any way I’m experiencing!

@Alsohuman that's a lovely quote, thank you.

My DM has apparently had a chat with their neighbour, I don't want to think about how as they don't live next door, who has evidently given them a telling off for going out so much. They have decided to take their neighbour's advice. The same advice my sister and I have been giving them for weeks Hopefully now they'll stick to it now! Honestly smh!

It’s nice, isn’t it Sam? It’s helped me a lot throughout my life, especially when I was having to fight constant battles to get my very old parents the care they were entitled to. It helped me work out which hills were worth dying on.

At the end of the day it is their choice, we can make our own choices also. It is a quote which is also used e.g. with alcoholics / codependency as well. I find it useful too

This is going to sound horrible but my SIL dad died from corona. Up until then my dad was going out daily.but after this he stopped. Sad it took that to make him take it seriously.

I genuinely think that a lot of older people have made a conscious decision to ignore the advice. I know elderly people that I know personally have said that at this time in their lives, they don’t feel there’s much point in wasting the little time they have left sticking in this house; they’d rather take their chance getting it. The problem with that though, as I keep reminding those I know, is that they’ll change heir minds when they’re ill and want nhs treatment, even though they’ve done nothing to help protect or help the nhs.

My mum was petty blasé about this until I explained how likely ventilator rationing is. She then went very quiet and has been indoors every since.

My mum is 62, has diabetes and has not been out at all. She’s terrified of getting it, I’ve been getting shopping for her and she antibacs it all.

YANBU

I have this horrible feeling my 83 year old mother will go to my sisters on Easter Sunday and my BIL’s mother (also 83 with husband in hospital with dementia and Covid19)

She went on Mother’s Day too and won’t listen just saying ‘well they are OK and haven’t got anything’