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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
Still1nLove · 05/04/2020 10:06

This reply has been deleted

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HollowTalk · 05/04/2020 10:06

If my husband talked about me like that with another woman then I wouldn't want to be married to him any more.

Peapod29 · 05/04/2020 10:07

What a prick. There’s no way I wouldn’t confront dh over that, its unbelievable. I agree with what pps have said that she’s probably attracted to your dh or just very possessive. However I would also consider the possibility that she’s infertile or struggling to conceive and lashing out about other people’s pregnancies in a very hurtful and horrid way might be her way of dealing with it and making herself feel superior that she won’t have to deal with piles/shitting herself (not that it would make it ok). Also she seems to know a lot about the ins and outs of childbirth for someone who’s not had a baby.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/04/2020 10:08

As a PP suggested I would go down the route of making it clear you regard the pregnancy as something private to the two of you and you don’t want it discussed. It’s not something to be casually chatted about.

See how he reacts.

One thing I will say is that the pregnancy probably doesn’t seem real to him at the moment. There is nothing to see or feel. DH didn’t really get it until he came to the scans and could see the baby.

letsjog · 05/04/2020 10:08

And to PPs minimising this and asking how could he possibly reply without making it awkward at work.

1 - she should feel fucking awkward
2 - a simple "ok this is offensive/inappropriate cut it out" followed by "we wont be discussing anything like that again"
Or better yet cut the horrible creature off completely - why should he be tiptoeing around it.

SudokuQueen · 05/04/2020 10:09

Think we found the woman.. @lmcneil003

Anyway, its not in the least bit funny, the context the bitch said it doesn't matter as she shouldn't have said it regardless, and your husband definitely shouldn't have laughed.

But he could maybe have one last chance to redeem himself. He can tell her that they are no longer friends, what she said was inexcusable and if she talks to him again about anything other than work he will go to hr about her. He should maybe speak to hr first too to tell them he is having problems with a work colleague, but not sure on that. If he says even one word of how it's your fault, kick that shit out. And if he refuses to do the above, kick him out.

SunshineCake · 05/04/2020 10:09

I would stop telling him anything about the pregnancy. Don't discuss it at all. Then when, if, he notices you can tell him you wanted things private and not shared with work colleagues.

I understand the heartbreak of private things being discussed with people who have no right to know by someone who should have your back 100%.

tellmetocalmdown · 05/04/2020 10:09

They are both despicable and I would 100% say something. I couldn't give an eff if he got upset, I'd be glad I saw it and it exposed his revolting behaviour. You need to know what kind of a man you are living with and this one is vile.

I'm really sorry OP

PepePig · 05/04/2020 10:10

If you don't want to outright admit to snooping, I'd try and trip him up into admitting it. You say you're 8 weeks...

"You haven't told anyone we're expecting, are you? With all that's going on I really need to wait til 12 weeks..."
He'll either say yes, in which you can act outraged and ask to see what he said (therefore being able to "read" the messages and thus confront him). Or he'll lie and you can drop passive aggressive comments that indicate enough that you know he's lying. Plus, if he lies, then you know you've got a bigger issue on your hand than previously thought.

I usually don't support games like these but he was absolutely vile with no respect for you. What he said and she said shouldn't be minimised because you "snooped".

daffodil1224 · 05/04/2020 10:10

This is really cruel and I feel really sad for you.. she's a spiteful weird bitch but he is meant to be the one person in the world you can rely on not to engage in this sort of talk..

PinkiOcelot · 05/04/2020 10:11

@Bluffinwithmymuffin we’ll have to agree to disagree. The “D”H sounds vile to me. Not only for not shutting down this comment, but for telling her private things about the OP in the first place; the fact that she’s pregnant (only 8 weeks), the fact OP thinking about home birth etc. He shouldn’t have been having these conversations with this person in the first place. Some things are private between man and wife IMO.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/04/2020 10:14

Yes he's a pushover.. He never really stands up for me

Somehow I thought you'd say that Sad

Never mind "only looked at her messages"; snooping or not, personally I'd be looking at them all, to see wbo else he's being utterly disloyal about you with

... and then having a very frank conversation with him

Merryoldgoat · 05/04/2020 10:16

This woman is after your husband and your husband is tempted.

That’s the reality of it.

This is how these things start. A ‘friendship’, confidences, growing closer, the inevitable emotional affair quite likely progressing to full on. I’ve seen it so many bloody times.

My husband isn’t perfect. There is NO WAY he’d engage with stuff like that and he’d defend me to the end. Any husband/wife should.

You need to tell him what you’ve seen and don’t let him manipulate you into thinking you’re the bad guy.

This is how I’d approach it but I appreciate everyone is different.

‘DH - I saw the messages between you and x on your laptop when I came in from the garden. How do you think they make me feel?’

And go from there.

CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate · 05/04/2020 10:17

I have looked at the history of this poster and I do not believe this is genuine. She came off the pill on feb 2 and fell pregnant immediately and has already had a scan, scans don’t happen that quick.

I had a scan at 6 weeks because I had cramps and expressed doubt at being pregnant.

I then had another 3.

But it's possible the OP is taking the piss. It's MN but (shrug) what else is there to do during lockdown and it's entertaining.

Firsttimelottie · 05/04/2020 10:17

He's a pushover, yet you're reluctant to tell him what you've seen because of how he'll react. It sounds like he treats you differently to others and not in a good way.

Qgardens · 05/04/2020 10:18

She's older and about to get married. I suspect she's jealous about your pregnancy.
She either can't have kids and is trying to justify it to herself or she's worried she won't get pregnant, hence the whole dissing of birth.

But it does seem odd. I second the pp who said don't say anything or he might start covering his tracks. Be watchful.

LouHotel · 05/04/2020 10:21

Don't admit to phone snooping say what you saw on the laptop, lay out how utterly disgusting it is to make fun of someone's body when they are doing it to carry a child that is 50% yours. This women is never to be allowed in your house.

To be honest OP her wedding has just been cancelled and your are at the next stage in lie of being pregnant with first child - she comes across as extremely jealous.

Also as someone's who pooed themselves in two labour's (one being a water birth and required a sieve) it really doesn't matter.

Floofboopsnootandbork · 05/04/2020 10:22

scans don’t happen that quick

In some cases they do, I had a scan at 6 weeks and 8 weeks because of my health issues. Op has also mentioned she has health issues that may affect the pregnancy. Nothing in your post screams to me that she’s full of shit, reported you for troll hunting.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 05/04/2020 10:23

PinkiOcelot

@Bluffinwithmymuffin we’ll have to agree to disagree.

Yes, of course Smile Personally, I don’t think those two comments are too personal, unless the OP specifically asked her DH not to mention, but that’s just me.

My objection, really, is to the pps who are ranting about how despicable the DH is (we don’t know him) and advising the OP to abort, divorce, set traps for the DH, tell HR etc. Some of them sound even more unpleasant than the woman who emailed imo

florisandyoris · 05/04/2020 10:24

You can say that the message popped up on his phone. That you were horrified. I would send a copy to his HR manager. What she is doing is appalling unprofessional and downright evil imo

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 10:24

@CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate find that really hurtful. I am not doing this for a joke. It's genuine. And I did genuinely get pregnant straightaway from coming off the pill. You think I faked the screenshot message too?

OP posts:
stophuggingme · 05/04/2020 10:29

That excuse few of messages is so juvenile and pathetic.
If this is all true then fuck the being worried about snooping just tell him what you have seen, that you have copies and as it was done during work time with a work colleague on work equipment you are forwarding to HR

I don’t know if I could honestly stay and raise a child with someone That is as puerile as this.

StrongMama1989 · 05/04/2020 10:30

What the hell!! He should have told her straight away not to talk about you like that!! Shocking! I would have to confront him. So what if you looked at his conversation. It’s a good job you did!

helgahelga · 05/04/2020 10:31
Shock
helgahelga · 05/04/2020 10:31

@Pumpkin108 WOW! It's not often I am shocked, but that is a fucking DISGUSTING way to talk about you. This woman sound like a c*nt, and your DH sounds worse.

I agree that she sounds spiteful, jealous, and bitter.

@BessMarvin

Her motivation seems like she would want to appear attractive to your husband compared to you. She may not be after him but just be one of those women who needs to feel like everyone finds her the most attractive.

This ^ is spades.

I honestly don't know if I could move on from this. I cried for half a day when I was 8 months pregnant, and DH pointed at a mirror we were passing in the shopping centre and said 'wow look at the size of you! You look like a hippo!'

He didn't mean to upset me and he said sorry about 5 billion times, and never said another thing like that before or since... But as I said, I really would struggle to move past him mocking me behind my back, with some woman at his works, and saying my body will be fucked up and I will need nappies after having a baby. (ALSO, you do know that is utter bollocks right?!)

Also, how and WHY does she know about your condition? Has he been chatting to her about your health issues too?! Fucking hell, he sounds like a real prize! Hmm

@Sicario

Fucking hell. I would go proper mental over this. I might even phone her and give her a slice of my mind. "How fucking dare you talk about me like that to my husband. Who the fuck do you think you are? If I ever see you or hear another report of you disrespecting me, there will be serious consequences." Then SLAM the phone down, preferably across husband's head.

This 100%. And LOL at the last sentence! Grin