To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

[crispysausagerolls]

As suspected dh has now changed passwords etc on his laptop though went on his phone and no further messages with this woman

no further messages on his phone you mean! Most likely moved the communication where you can’t see it!

[Butterymuffin]

Agree that they've shifted their communication somewhere else. Look for any messaging apps like WhatsApp. She won't necessarily be under her name either, look at recent messages. It might not be on his phone at all.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

As suspected dh has now changed passwords etc on his laptop

You don't say

As for the phone, it's entirely likely he has a second one ...

[AprilFloundering]

He's just getting sneaky rather than keeping his word. Hence the pw change and no longer using his phone.

But you already knew he was going to do that. You knew that when he apologised and criticized you to her, instead of apologising to you. And that after he told you he wouldn't talk to her any more.

I hope your midwife can help you sort out what you want to do,

[annacharles111]

@Pumpkin108 The only person who has suffered through all of this is you. And the only person who is continuing to suffer through all of this is you. So you have to decide:

a) to confront him and deal with the consequences of that confrontation
b) not to confront him and to move on

Remember that you are in total control of your own thoughts and your own feelings. No one, not even this silly woman, can "make you feel" a certain way. Whatever your DH and this woman have said, those words in and of themselves do not cause you to feel bad. It is how you choose to think about those words that make you feel bad. This is excellent news because it means you are always in charge of what you think and feel, so you are ALWAYS in control of your life.

Compare these 2 different thoughts:

"DH should have stood up for me"
vs
"I know DH loves and cares for me even if he didn't show it in the texts"

This isn't you being weak or letting him get away with anything. This is you deciding what kind of life you want to lead. This is especially important as it's worth remembering that whatever the outcome of this situation, you cannot control other people (much as we all might like the idea of that :-) ) so it's worth building the strength in managing your thoughts. Doing this leads to courage. And then you feel OK about taking any action you like.

I know this may seem weird and it can be a stretch, but try it for size. I've helped lots of people with this so I know it works. And it's certainly better than continuing to stew in the spot where you find yourself now.

Hope this helps and look after yourself and your baby.

[Motoko]

He could have her under a man's name on his phone, that's a common tactic, or he could have another phone that you don't know about, also a common tactic.

Remember the script. He will follow it to some degree or other. Other things in the script, are becoming very loving and caring, to make you think you've gone through a bad patch. Or, he might become angry, to stop you from questioning him. I think there's a thread about the script over on the relationships forum, which will give other examples.

[LadyEloise]

I just couldn't bring up a child with that man.
I'm not saying have an abortion. You could have the baby on your own. There is no way that baby would be born into a happy home. You would constantly be on edge. He would continue to be a total sh*t.
You are so fortunate the house is in your name.

[letsjog]

So he has now put a nail in his coffin.

Rather than making open access to everything and being forthcoming and honest with you after betraying your trust he has basically showed you he will just shut you out and do what he wants anyway just cover it up more effectively.

What a dick.

[Butterymuffin]

I am totally pro choice and if you wanted to end the pregnancy that's your call. You have to put yourself first as it's clear this guy never will. What I would say though is don't be afraid of doing it on your own. You are capable, and a baby will bring you more joy and love than he ever will. It's not the only route to regaining a happy life, but it is one.

[LadyEloise]

I hope you got to talk to the midwife @Pumpkin108

[florisandyoris]

poster GilbertMarkham Mon 06-Apr-20 13:16:08
I would discuss this with the midwife. She will be a good barometer of how bad this behaviour is.

Cause nearly 100% of 1100 people on Mumsnet isn't enough of a barameter.

Besides everyone's different a d the midwife could be the softly softly, diplomatic etc type and not validate op. Or she could be a 24 yr old girl who has little life & relationship experience who used stock phrases like mine was.

It should be reported however, to have it on record.

Wow. The midwife will be able to communicate with her husband, the members of mumsnet would not.
Where did I imply that he was not being unreasonable?
My comment was to point out that if the midwife was telling him that his behaviour was unreasonable, unkind, and potentially damaging his wife’s Health , that he would find it harder to be dismissive and to minimise. He might actually be embarrassed that others out of his zone of control had formed an opinion on his disgusting behaviour.

[crispysausagerolls]

What did the midwife say?

[FizzyGreenWater]

OP I know this sounds patronising, it's not meant to - you are SO YOUNG. In a decade you'll look back and think, I can't believe I ever thought that total dick was life partner material.

You could be HAPPY, really happy, secure and loved with a good person by your side. You could spend your life like that or you could stay with this total arsehole and have a shitty time of it.

You only get one shot. GET RID of him.

[Pumpkin108]

Midwife was ok but impossible to speak alone... it was mainly just her going on about what she does and the practicalities of everything. Had nhs midwife call - was all just loads of questions about me etc. To be honest at the moment I’m feeling really overwhelmed by everything and thinking i can’t go through with it, I have 5 hospital appointments in the next month or so alone

[MushroomTree]

@Pumpkin108 I'm sorry you didn't get the opportunity to talk freely. Are you able to go for a walk or sit in the car for the next call?

[StealthMama]

Op do you have any family? Your parents or siblings? Or a close friend? You need to speak to someone you trust about the situation your in. You are making some big decisions and real life support will help you 💐

[florisandyoris]

@pumpkin

I wouldn’t underestimate the importance of your mental health in fighting your condition and taking control of your treatment.
Being passive won’t make his behaviour go away.

[beanaseireann]

StealthMama the OP has explained her Mum is dead and her father is no use.
She has no siblings. She works alone.

[Mix56]

Why didn't you walk outside & take the call ?
Can't you see this is wrong? It's You who is pregnant & if you want to talk to a health professional alone, it is your right. It is not a baby in his body.
If you had said to him I am discussing this alone with my MW, I assume he would have kicked off...
More abuse

[Motoko]

Couldn't you have gone to the bathroom to take the call? I do understand that telling someone IRL makes it real, but you do need to get support.

[soannya]

Your husband is toxic and the two of them are undermining you. What’s he getting out of behaving like this? Do you even really like him anymore after all of this?? He’s awful. You’ve been through such a lot in life with your father. You deserve to be happy. You deserve somebody who loves the bones of you. You deserve somebody who would burn the fucking town down if anybody dared speak a bad word about you. Don’t you want that? Don’t you think you deserve that after the shit life you’ve had! Do not settle for this shit man. If my husband spoke about me like that he’d be gone. I wouldn’t care what else happened or who told who what or if I had to deal on my own. Gone. Done. Finished. You have to draw a boundary. You show other people how to treat you. You should tell him “I deserve a Prince and you’ve behaved like a toxic frog. You’re out. Go back to your parents frog man. I’ll let you know what I decide to do about the baby. Now you’ve really got something to write about to your little bitch mate. Clear off” I tell you what, regardless of anything else, in years to come you’ll be able to look back and be proud of yourself for standing up to him and his poisonous polish mate.

[soannya]

Oh and you’re not on your own. You’ve got all of us in your corner and we’re not going anywhere.

[Dominoz]

Hang on! Wait a sec and reassess before listening to the replies. It's your life and decision. I know you want advice and direction but wait as these are big decisions.

I'm not minimising, but these are strangers advising you. You should be safe and loved.

[Ludo19]

Kudos to you for keeping it together for so long. I think in your heart you know what you should do.

[florisandyoris]

OP imagine this other woman living in your home with your husband.

Where are you in this picture?

I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure his friend, the awful nasty woman has fantasised about this scenario.

I read a flat mates diary once which had all kinds of fantasies of her sleeping with my husband at the time. You would be amazed at what some women are capable of.

Wake Up!!!!!