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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
BeNiceToYourSister · 05/04/2020 09:17

This sad woman either fancies your DH or enjoys the attention she gets from him. She sounds immature and not very bright, and by not defending you, your DH doesn’t sound much better I’m afraid. Admittedly I’m quite a confrontational person, but in your shoes I would absolutely confront my DH and insist on him cutting contact with her out of respect for my feelings. You’re carrying his child, FFS!

Also, please don’t fear birth because of this idiot. It doesn’t sound like she’s ever experienced it so she has fuck all idea what she’s talking about. You’ll be fine Flowers

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 09:18

@lmcneil003 well it didn't come across as a joke and also why would someone make fun about something like this? I would never in a million years dream of saying anything so unpleasant...

@sebastienCrabSauce most of the really unpleasant messages are on fb messenger...

I don't know why she would want to have an affair... Like I said she's about to get married herself... Also don't think my dh is her type at all.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 05/04/2020 09:19

was obviously a joke. You dont know the context.

Jokes are meant to be funny. If this was my DH I really would question the whole relationship, why he thought this was appropriate because its not.

frazzledasarock · 05/04/2020 09:19

Little point of fact, nobody would dare say such nasty things about me to my DP, because he wouldn’t tolerate it.

This woman clearly knows your P will happily let people slag you off.

Why is your P open to that?

Would you send laughing emojis to friends (male) slagging off your P? Would your friends slag off your P to you in the first place or are you the last person they’d be disrespectful of your P to?

Your P sounds like knob.

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 05/04/2020 09:20

Her motivation seems like she would want to appear attractive to your husband compared to you. She may not be after him but just be one of those women who needs to feel like everyone finds her the most attractive.

Agree with all of this. She’s a cunt and so is he for the way he reacted to her cunt behaviour. I wouldn’t be able to not tell him what I’d seen so I’d confront him. But what you do next is up to you. Just keep in mind this (them being cunts while their respective egos) will keep going on.

Grumpos · 05/04/2020 09:20

Ffs so what if he’s mad at you for looking at his laptop! He’s a massive shit. What an arsehole.

The only reason he would be mad about you looking is to deflect any blame or shame from himself. Well sod that.

“Yes I apologise for checking your phone, however I’m glad I did now, because I can see what an absolute disrespectful arrogant little shit you really are. So do not attempt to gaslight me or deflect any of the shame you should feel onto me because I refuse to accept any of it. You’re a disgrace and I’m seriously reconsidering our future”

And repeat. DO NOT accept any deflected defensive behaviour from him. Fuck him and his nasty troll friend.

Noodlenosefraggle · 05/04/2020 09:21

How vile. Who would do that and why did your husband not shut her down? Sounds like she fancies your husband and is telling your husband you will be less attractive (untrue) during and after pregnancy. I would tell him he left his laptop open and have it out with him. That behaviour is worse than glancing at someones open laptop!

lmcneil003 · 05/04/2020 09:21

I have been to comedy shows where they make jokes about death, pooing in childbirth, the queen's haunted vagina, etc
Everyone laughed, because there was context.
You snooping into your husbands private correspondance removes that context.
If you're determined to ruin your relationship and all the consequences for your unborn child, keep persuing it. Otherwise, let it go. Pretend you never saw it.

madcatladyforever · 05/04/2020 09:22

You what? i am absolutely speechless!!

This vile woman is saying revolting things about you and you husband is not only allowing this but joining in the "joke".

I would be fucking screaming in his face about this. Why is he not sticvking up for you the pathetic loser? Are they having an affair?

There is so much wrong with this I don't even know where to start.

You MUST confront him over this and get to the bottom of this. If this was my husband his bags would be packed.

maddy68 · 05/04/2020 09:22

I honestly think you may be taking this out of context. They have probably had a conversation , for all you know she could have told him about her childbirth where she pooed at the time of childbirth. (I know I did and I was mortified!) It could be something she shared with him. And it's a bit on an in joke.

Firstly I don't know why you did snoop on his computer , I would be very angry if my husband had done that to me.

SuburbanFraggle · 05/04/2020 09:22

Just wanted to add, sometimes nasty partners feel free to let their terrible true colours show because they feel they have 'trapped' you with pregnancy and no longer need to be nice.

LittleRa · 05/04/2020 09:23

She sounds horrible. Does she have kids? I.e. experience of birth that she’s referring to where she would say “oh, after I had my DS I needed to wear maternity pads so Pumpkin will too”? Or does she have no experience of birth?
Agree with PP it sounds like she could have a crush on your DH and trying to make you seem unappealing. Is she quite young?
Your DH definitely needs to grow up and tell her he’s excited about becoming a Dad, proud and supportive of you, and doesn’t want/need to hear from her on the personal details.

Sarahlou63 · 05/04/2020 09:23

Fucking hell - that's appalling. I'd be printing those messages out and asking him very directly if you should continue with the pregnancy. You can't go through this for the next 7 months.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 09:23

@frazzledasarock I never say nasty things about dh in messages or otherwise. And certainly my friends have never slagged him off to me, it's not something they would do...
Yes he's a pushover.. He never really stands up for me.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 05/04/2020 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SonicVersusGynaephobia · 05/04/2020 09:24

Her motivation seems like she would want to appear attractive to your husband compared to you

I think this too. Like she wants him to think of you as damaged goods now and her as the better option.

She's really a horrible person. Have you ever even met her? I would ask her husband more about her and they to work out why on earth he gives this horrible woman the time of day.

Grumpos · 05/04/2020 09:24

Should add, I had something similar happen to me with an ex - wasn’t a woman but his group chat with his close male mates, they were slagging me off, no name calling but very personal subject and making some really horrible remarks.
I never really got over it, it absolutely broke my heart that he didn’t defend me, he wasn’t a bad person but very “go along with the crowd” - it was a big nail in the coffin.
Tbh the memory is still upsetting even though we’re long over and I’m very happily settled elsewhere now.
Stuff like this is incredibly hurtful - please pull him up on it, it’ll damage your mental health and self worth if you don’t.

Shoxfordian · 05/04/2020 09:25

He should stand up for you though
He should be prioritising you and not joining in with nasty comments. Sounds like a knob

madcatladyforever · 05/04/2020 09:25

oops sorry not Pumkin the other one who was telling you you were wromng to snoop - stupid person.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 09:26

@maddy68 @LittleRa no she has no children so it is not her being kind and sharing her experiences... It is not like that at all!

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 05/04/2020 09:26

She's a bitch and he is being childish.

Do you really want to be with someone like him and have his baby?

Standrewsschool · 05/04/2020 09:27

I think you need to confront him, else it will eat away at you.

Be honest and say you noticed his computer was left on, and then noticed the screen messages. Say how they hurt you, and were very disrespectful , and you felt that he should have defended you more.

He may say something about privacy, and apologise for this, but then steer the conversation back,to the messages.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 09:27

@SonicVersusGynaephobia yes I've met her several times... She's been to our house! I've always thought she was a bit weird but seemed ok

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 05/04/2020 09:28

@lmcneil003

It was obviously a joke. You dont know the context.
Oh hilarious. There is no context in which that's funny and it's a huge betrayal of the OP.

I'm sorry OP, you have a huge DH problem. I know these are difficult times but you can't let this one go.

nancyjuice7 · 05/04/2020 09:28

Thankshugs for the horrible things she said. Do not let them play on your mind and spoil your pregnancy. You'll have a beautiful baby, even if your wearing a nappy who cares? Don't let them comments spoil any of this for youThanks

The other side is:
She wants to come across and attractive and sexy to your DH. Whether her intention is to start an affair or not, she wants your DH to fancy her and dosnt mind putting you down in the process.

I think you need to bring her up in conversation, ask how she is and how's thing are with her at work ect.
Then I would say, so we're still keeping this pregnancy a secret for now? Because I'm anxious about it and it's only really for us and close friends and family to know?

By that you can judge his reaction, if he starts sweating and agrees fully with you. Say no more. You've made it clear you know without saying you know.

If he jumps to defend her or speaks unusually nicely about her, or admits her told her about the pregnancy. I would go in and ask him to explain himself and say I'd seen messages.