To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

[Notrightbutok]

I hope things are OK with your pregnancy and at home OP...

[AnswerYourPhone]

Hope you're all ok op

[LadyEloise]

@Pumpkin108
How are you doing ?
I hope the weekend was ok for you.

[FilledSoda]

You need to understand that there are options available right now that will be gone in 5 years .
You're young , you own your home , you can completely start over .
Don't settle for this shit it will only get worse .
Be your own best friend and rescue yourself now .

[Nanny0gg]

I'm not minimising, but these are strangers advising you. You should be safe and loved.

Yes you are. Because this exactly what isn't happening.

[SummerWhisper]

Why was it not possible for you to be alone with the midwife?

[MrsRagnarLothbrok]

I am so sorry for you OP, my exh turned out to be an absolute arsehole, but when I was pregnant with our first he was incredibly protective of me and his child, thats how it should be in a normal loving relationship or marriage

the man you are with has shown you exactly what he is, he does not value you or your child, if he cant do it now when you are vulnerable and carrying his child when will he do it? I think you know he wont.

He has destroyed your trust in him as someone who should care about you and protect you, his priority is him, that wont change, so you need to protect yourself and your child and that needs to start now.

If possible call the midwife, go out in the car to do this if necessary, explain the situation to her, ask for support, talk to your friends tell them what is going on, if a friend came to me with something like this I absolutely know what I would advise her to do and I would support her in every way I could to do it.

[florisandyoris]

OP imagine this other woman living in your home with your husband.

Where are you in this picture?

I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure his friend, the awful nasty woman has fantasised about this scenario.

I read a flat mates diary once which had all kinds of fantasies of her sleeping with my husband at the time. You would be amazed at what some women are capable of.

Wake Up!!!!!

[Ludo19]

Kudos to you for keeping it together for so long. I think in your heart you know what you should do.

[Dominoz]

Hang on! Wait a sec and reassess before listening to the replies. It's your life and decision. I know you want advice and direction but wait as these are big decisions.

I'm not minimising, but these are strangers advising you. You should be safe and loved.

[soannya]

Oh and you’re not on your own. You’ve got all of us in your corner and we’re not going anywhere.

[soannya]

Your husband is toxic and the two of them are undermining you. What’s he getting out of behaving like this? Do you even really like him anymore after all of this?? He’s awful. You’ve been through such a lot in life with your father. You deserve to be happy. You deserve somebody who loves the bones of you. You deserve somebody who would burn the fucking town down if anybody dared speak a bad word about you. Don’t you want that? Don’t you think you deserve that after the shit life you’ve had! Do not settle for this shit man. If my husband spoke about me like that he’d be gone. I wouldn’t care what else happened or who told who what or if I had to deal on my own. Gone. Done. Finished. You have to draw a boundary. You show other people how to treat you. You should tell him “I deserve a Prince and you’ve behaved like a toxic frog. You’re out. Go back to your parents frog man. I’ll let you know what I decide to do about the baby. Now you’ve really got something to write about to your little bitch mate. Clear off” I tell you what, regardless of anything else, in years to come you’ll be able to look back and be proud of yourself for standing up to him and his poisonous polish mate.

[Motoko]

Couldn't you have gone to the bathroom to take the call? I do understand that telling someone IRL makes it real, but you do need to get support.

[Mix56]

Why didn't you walk outside & take the call ?
Can't you see this is wrong? It's You who is pregnant & if you want to talk to a health professional alone, it is your right. It is not a baby in his body.
If you had said to him I am discussing this alone with my MW, I assume he would have kicked off...
More abuse

[beanaseireann]

StealthMama the OP has explained her Mum is dead and her father is no use.
She has no siblings. She works alone.

[florisandyoris]

@pumpkin

I wouldn’t underestimate the importance of your mental health in fighting your condition and taking control of your treatment.
Being passive won’t make his behaviour go away.

[StealthMama]

Op do you have any family? Your parents or siblings? Or a close friend? You need to speak to someone you trust about the situation your in. You are making some big decisions and real life support will help you 💐

[MushroomTree]

@Pumpkin108 I'm sorry you didn't get the opportunity to talk freely. Are you able to go for a walk or sit in the car for the next call?

[Pumpkin108]

Midwife was ok but impossible to speak alone... it was mainly just her going on about what she does and the practicalities of everything. Had nhs midwife call - was all just loads of questions about me etc. To be honest at the moment I’m feeling really overwhelmed by everything and thinking i can’t go through with it, I have 5 hospital appointments in the next month or so alone

[FizzyGreenWater]

OP I know this sounds patronising, it's not meant to - you are SO YOUNG. In a decade you'll look back and think, I can't believe I ever thought that total dick was life partner material.

You could be HAPPY, really happy, secure and loved with a good person by your side. You could spend your life like that or you could stay with this total arsehole and have a shitty time of it.

You only get one shot. GET RID of him.

[crispysausagerolls]

What did the midwife say?

[florisandyoris]

poster GilbertMarkham Mon 06-Apr-20 13:16:08
I would discuss this with the midwife. She will be a good barometer of how bad this behaviour is.

Cause nearly 100% of 1100 people on Mumsnet isn't enough of a barameter.

Besides everyone's different a d the midwife could be the softly softly, diplomatic etc type and not validate op. Or she could be a 24 yr old girl who has little life & relationship experience who used stock phrases like mine was.

It should be reported however, to have it on record.

Wow. The midwife will be able to communicate with her husband, the members of mumsnet would not.
Where did I imply that he was not being unreasonable?
My comment was to point out that if the midwife was telling him that his behaviour was unreasonable, unkind, and potentially damaging his wife’s Health , that he would find it harder to be dismissive and to minimise. He might actually be embarrassed that others out of his zone of control had formed an opinion on his disgusting behaviour.

[LadyEloise]

I hope you got to talk to the midwife @Pumpkin108

[Butterymuffin]

I am totally pro choice and if you wanted to end the pregnancy that's your call. You have to put yourself first as it's clear this guy never will. What I would say though is don't be afraid of doing it on your own. You are capable, and a baby will bring you more joy and love than he ever will. It's not the only route to regaining a happy life, but it is one.

[letsjog]

So he has now put a nail in his coffin.

Rather than making open access to everything and being forthcoming and honest with you after betraying your trust he has basically showed you he will just shut you out and do what he wants anyway just cover it up more effectively.

What a dick.