To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

Hes massively taking the piss here. Id not be able to stop myself saying something to him. He should have your back your his partner and the woman carrying his baby

Do not have this man's baby. You will look back in a few years' time and regret being tied to him for life.

He has told her you and pregnant and revealed stuff that you want about your birth and then encourages her

Yes you have a real husband issue then

and her comments about pregnancy make her sound about 12

If she has no experience of birth then it definitely sounds like her motivation is “Urgh yuk how gross is Pumpkin going to be... and how attractive and appealing am I in comparison”. Horrid. How old is she? Sounds very immature.

100% agree. She's being so rude, but I'd be more cross with DP than with this woman. I'd be so upset about him telling random work colleagues before 12 weeks and I'd be furious with him for engaging in this sort of chat rather than shutting it down.

I’d leave my DH if he showed such disloyalty and gross disrespect. So sorry for you,OP, what a let down.

Your 'D'H is an absolute arsehole. That about covers it.

That sounds horrible, what a vile woman! Aside from the fact that he didn't defend you, I'd be worried about why she was comfortable talking to your husband about you in that way.
You need to talk too him, suck up the fact you looked and confront him with why he thought those messages were ok.

I’m sorry OP but I wouldn’t be able to keep quiet, I would need to pull my husband up. I’m really annoyed on your behalf when I read that screen shot.

I wouldn’t care that he got annoyed, and thought I was snooping, he will eat annoyed because he has something to hide. He has showed you no loyalty or respect at all x

@MashedSpud I’d not be sneaky about it.

I would outright say “Her or me” end of story.
If he doesn’t pick his pregnant wife or if you are concerned he’ll carry on being friends with her behind your back then you have your answer...

Fuck 'snooping', I would be telling him that it stops now or I leave. It's unkind, disrespectful and weird.

She is definitely trying to flirt with your husband (albeit badly), and to be honest I'd be inclined to let the 2 losers get on with it.

Don't let this carry on, you deserve better.

For Christ's sake what's wrong with your partner? That is so disrespectful, talking to anyone like that is awful.
I think that you ought to tell him you've seen what they are saying otherwise it'll eat you up.
I would never talk to anyone about something so special and personal in such an awful way. He's behaving like a little child.
Also the point made by a previous poster about if this comment has been made using work's emails is a good one.
I'm so sorry that what should be an exciting loving time has impacted so negatively.

He’s clearly being a complete arsehole.

I would also like to point out clearly neither of them know ANYTHING about birth. It’s magical and so is pregnancy do not be scared about it at all. He needs a backbone or you need to think about walking away.

Big hugs.

So, so horrible op. I cannot believe I have read from a pp that it was probably a joke. I presume this person is going down the route that you are somehow lacking in a sense of humour. No, this is not humour, this is cruelty. And the comment about pursuit of this will damage your relationship! Honestly I despair.

You have to tell him what you have seen op. No pathetic excuses about his disloyalty. If he hasn't got your back at this vulnerable time for you, then who has fgs?

What he has to say will give you an answer to who your dh really is. Do not under any circumstances allow him to blame you for anything. He is colluding with a woman who has made disgusting, personal references to your body which he has laughed about. He has disclosed deeply personal information about you. She has felt emboldened to go further and he has not pulled her up.

I hope you have family support. I know there is social distancing atm, but please phone your family.

Her or me??

Why would anyone still want him?

Let them have each other!

Personally, I would not be upset in the least were I the subject if such an exchange. I do think it’s odd, especially coming from a woman, and particularly one who has never given birth. I suspect she’s trying to be funny.

If you’re upset, you should tell your husband you saw the message and that it upset you. I predict he won’t understand why you’re upset. I think you need to tell him the conversation hurt you, and why. Be open about how he views it as well. Don’t let him sidetrack you with how you saw it.

I’m old enough to be your mother, and married longer than you or your husband have been alive. Every marriage is different, but in our marriage, we don’t have secrets, and never have. My husband can access my phone at any time and vice versa. I think it’s unhealthy to have secrets, and they never remain so.

She is knowingly being a nasty bitch, undermining you to your partner. She’s either one of those women who’s weirdly territorial around ‘her boys’ and tears other women around them down, or she is overly involved with him emotionally.

Either way, sod the accusation of snooping, tell him he left it open and you saw the nasty shit she was sending. Don’t get upset, don’t be critical of her personally, just question it and keep asking why she would say that, if he’s evasive or defensive. Sound genuinely baffled. He’ll be uncomfortable and it’ll highlight how much of a cunt she is while you retain the calm moral high ground.

I once found similar messages between an ex and another woman he was talking to. They weren’t having an affair but were slagging me off. He was like it all the time, incredibly bitchy and loved the ego boost of other women talking to him. I was very young at the time and had a young toddler. Her comments were before we’d slept together, with her saying that I would have a massive vagina and he would hardly be able to feel anything, especially if I didn’t do kegel exercises. It was something I’d been really worried about, as I hadn’t had a relationship with anybody since having my son and had confided in him about. H worries. He’d obviously used this as another thing to tell other women to get an ego boost from them. She had no children, no experience of anything whatsoever. I think she was very competitive with other women, desperate for male attention and liked to think that she could ‘beat me’ in that. Utterly pathetic. I don’t know why I even stayed with him any longer after that. The pair of them were both vicious, bitchy pieces of shit.

Don't have time to read all thread but I am outraged at this. Absolutely confront your husband You should be very, very angry. Email the woman yourself. Send her messages to the boss etc. Get her fired!

PinkiOcelot
She sounds vile and you “D”H doesn’t sound much better.

She certainly does sound unpleasant to say the least, and quite possibly jealous, but I don’t think it’s fair to say OP’s DH is no better. He may well have sent the laughing emoji back as a way of shutting the exchange down without offending her (who he has to work with). Not ideal maybe, but easier than ‘defending you’ - How? By saying “no my wife’s not going to take laxatives” etc?!

Have a word with him, OP, and let him know in no uncertain terms you’re not happy- which is what you probably should’ve done before looking on his phone tbh - but don’t get bogged down in the so-called advice of pps who’d be screaming in his face, packing his bags, suspecting him of an affair etc etc.

Only you know your husband.

Fucking hell. I would go proper mental over this. I might even phone her and give her a slice of my mind. "How fucking dare you talk about me like that to my husband. Who the fuck do you think you are? If I ever see you or hear another report of you disrespecting me, there will be serious consequences." Then SLAM the phone down, preferably across husband's head.

What @Grumpos suggested.

He is your problem. She is just a nasty horrible b who probably likes to feel superior and like she's more attractive to all her male acquaintances than their respective SO - and that's regardless of whether she fancies them or not. I had a "friend" like that growing up, she would flirt with the guy you liked in front of you then act all dumb about it. She once deliberately wound two guys up and pitted them against each other and they had a skirmish (teenagers) and acted all "oh dear I had no idea" and "oh it's so horrible they're fighting over me". There's women like that out there 1000%.

But it's your "D"H that is the issue the fact he engaged in it and don't immediately shut it down is vile and enough to reconsider the relationship.
He should be extra protective of you. It should be such a special time.

And as Grumpos said DO NOT let him deflect onto you. Acknowledge it briefly, apologise if you wish but follow it up with bringing it straight back onto HIM.
What he did is several magnituded worse and do not let this go and fester.

She's one of THOSE narcissistic bitches women who is in a mental competition with the spouse/friend/partner of a man she considers herself friendly with. It can only be about her. She feels more validated the more the guy she's around puts his partner down. It boosts her ego and feeling of desirability.

No woman in her right mind talks about the spouse of a friend in this manner especially around something like child birth! Most women have a sense of shared solidarity around that sort of thing. Even if they don't like other.

For context, I remember at work one day a guy complained about his wife not cooking when he got home (after admittedly a very long shift) but she'd just had twins a few weeks earlier. All of us women who heard him immediately jumped down his throat, telling him he had no right to expect anything because she would be exhausted still!

You have to stop this now, or I guarantee she'll be placing nasty thoughts in his ear about how you'll be after, how long you're out of sex action for e.g. and other nasty derogatory things to undermine and destroy your relationship. God help you if you have any complications like a vaginal tear, cause he'll feed it back to her and the nasty little cow will preen and ham it up!

Confront it right now! The right is entirely on your side here. It's straight black and white. Let him know how much he's hurt your feelings and your confidence and joy in this pregnancy!!

And get him to drop the bitch.

""How fucking dare you talk about me like that to my husband."

She dares because the husband has given her the info & she knows he's ok with it.

Doesn't make it acceptable of course but she's likely taking her cue from him.

I would really be hurt by this. Why, if you are only 8 weeks pregnant is he telling all his friends/ work colleagues? I thought that most people don’t make it public till 12.

You are only 8 weeks pregnant yet he has told a work colleague personal things about your pregnancy and about your birth plans, and then both of them are laughing and joking? He has betrayed your privacy. Those texts dont sound like the start of a conversation. They sound like someone who has been given permission to behave like that over some time. He must have told her almost as soon as you found out and not sounded like a happy loving husband and father to be when he told her. Who would risk ruining a friendship by being so vile unless they thought the other party would be happy to laugh along?