To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

"I don't know why she would want to have an affair... Like I said she's about to get married herself... Also don't think my dh is her type at all."

Oh, Pumpkin, immature women do stupid things when they're engaged to a man they might not actually want to marry, I'm afraid. My own mother was engaged to another man, when she actually married my father, for instance. According to my mother's bewildered family members, her ex was completely her "type" - whilst my father wasn't.

It does seem like this woman is trying to steer your husband towards an affair. Perhaps she's realised she prefers him to the man she's engaged to? Maybe the postponing of the wedding due to CV has given her an opportunity to stop and think, and realise that she doesn't want to marry her fiance after all? Certainly your husband seems to be encouraging her...

You need to talk to him, rather than "confront" him about what you have seen passing between them. Calmly. Ask him if he realises how hurt you are, and how obnoxiously disrespectful he has been by permitting someone else to talk about your body and pregnancy in that way? He might not. I know some men who will use emojis rather than words in an effort to be polite and respond, even though they haven't really taken in the text... maybe that's the case here? Or perhaps he's frightened of shutting the conversation with her down completely? If I were you, I'd want to know precisely how "close" they actually are, because, unfortunately, it does seem as though these conversations are merely the tip of the iceberg.

because being pregnant right now can't be easy, whether you're in good health or not.

You saw the worst messages innocently, you could take him up on them without letting him know about the other checking up.

Alternatively, you could keep an eye on it as he is obviously not worried about keeping these a secret.

It seems a bit like she could be trying to unnerved him about watching the birth?
Either way it's a strange conversation for two adults to have and your husband is a shit for allowing her to speak about you like this.

You need to tell him you've seen it and tell him you need an explanation or your marriage may not survive this absolute betrayal. It's grossly unkind and taking the piss out of what was supposed to be a lovely time for your marriage, bringing a child together into the world, and you now have to wonder how he really feels about you, the mother of his future child. Are you just an incubator?

Because who the fuck allows someone to talk about the love of his life, the woman carrying his baby like that ...AND LAUGHS AT HER COMMENTS?!?

Who lies to their wife about about the fact that he's shared incredibly personal medial (your underlying illness) and the fact that you're pregnant so early in the pregnancy with a mere work colleague.

She's more important to him that he's letting on. And he's behaving incredibly badly.

You saw the messages by accident; he left them wide open for you to see. That's on him, not you. And of course you then wanted to know how bad it was ... you needed to know if this is truly who he is and how he feels about you.

don't let him turn it on you. This is on him. And you should calmly tell him you've seen them, you're incredibly shocked and hurt, and wondering about who it is you're married to, and then don't speak... wait for his explanation. Don't engage in how/why you saw it beyond the fact he left it open, just tell him quietly you're waiting for his explanation so you can decide what you want to do next.

i'm sorry, OP. Awful behaviour on his part.

I would seriously consider leaving him (kicking him out actually), and consider whether to terminate, now you know his true colours.

He sounds like a dickhead, thick, nasty, incredibly disloyal, and the fact that he will try and shut you down if you raise this, shows that this is not a particularly good marriage anyway.

(Btw I was on my own with DS from 5 months and it was actually great, not difficult, it's just not ideal sometimes, for various reasons - ( health, finances, difficult exes, wanting to be in a two parent family etc.)

FYI I got pregnant the first month of trying with both my children, came off the pill and was pregnant before my next period. It happens and it happened to me twice.

I think there is more hear if you're honest OP? If I had found these messages and confronted my DH, I "think" he would not have the nerve to dare to have a go at me for snooping because he'd be so mortified that I had discovered his horrendous behaviour.

This type of thing has happened before hasn't it OP?

My Best friend is male. I'm not mad about his wife but never in a million years would I slag her off to him. It's so inapproapriate. Plus what a stupid thing to be joking about. Does she thinks she's immune to all these issues if she has a baby?! She sounds about 15.

I got to be honest I would uploading those screenshots to her Facebook, sending them to her fiancée and to both their managers. Fuck ‘em.

Same here I was pregnant first time with both pregnancies. Also 8 weeks pregnant is actually 6 weeks pregnant as it is measured from your last period.

Thanks everyone, yes it’s really hard for me to know what to do right now - obviously want to have it out with him as finding it hard to move on - but know him well enough to know he will shut me down, saying she was joking, I’m over reacting and will also lose it with me for snooping.... but then if i trusted him I wouldn’t need to snoop.
the emojis and his response are probably because he didn’t know what else to say because that is him all over... but still if someone had been saying stuff about him like that to me i would have been appalled and told them to get lost

How awful op!!

Agree with the majority of other posters, I'd be telling him and don't let him gaslight you!

FWIW I did not poo during childbirth, bleeding was minimal, I was back in my size 10 jeans within weeks and despite breastfeeding for 3 years (I got pregnant with number 2 whilst still feeding my first) my boobs are still cracking!

I have stretch marks, yes, but that's ok! I'm not ashamed of them and DH doesn't give a shit (he didn't, having difficulties atm but trying to work things out) but anyway don't latch onto to the shit she's talking... remember this is just spite and nastiness between your husband and another woman that is absolutely unacceptable.

As for your problem OP you have a DH problem. I had a problematic issue with my husband who was close to his colleague. She wasn't disrespectful about me just kept asking Dh to do boyfriendy things for her. I told him that it had to stop or I would walk. He listened and I actually have an ok relationship with her now. However she was never nasty about me. Your Dh would be wearing his testicles as earrings.
Take care but please sort it.

I don't see it any worse than posters coming in talking about their sex lives, slagging their partner, etc... to supposed total stranger except that quite a few of these will be recognised by others who know them but might just be acquaintances or worse.

I believe that friendships are sacred and people can share whatever they want without their partner knowing. I don't think anything she says is outrageous. It's things that female friends say to each other.

Sorry but there is no way I could say nothing. You know how he will react so you need to have thought through in your head what you want to say. Stay calm, don't let him dismiss you or laugh it off.

I dont think id allow anyone to try and make me feel bad about looking at messages THEY had posted that were slagging me off and being bitchy about me. That would just be a deflection, but the fact is they were written and whether its a joke or not, you dont deserve to be the butt of their pathetic jokes.

This is outrageous, abnormal and hurtful. I’d never speak to any of my male friends in this way (several of whom have had babies during our friendship). And I’d be livid at husband replying with anything but silence or censure.

he will shut me down, saying she was joking, I’m over reacting and will also lose it with me for snooping

@Pumpkin108 that statement makes you sound a bit timid - am I right?

In your shoes if he even TRIED to turn it on me or "lose it" with me he would meet a wall of fire. Think about it how dare he even attempt to be mad at you after what he did?
Show him how just angry and betrayed YOU are by not even entertaining any attempt at firing shots right back at you. He has no right.

I don't see it any worse than posters coming in talking about their sex lives, slagging their partner, etc... to supposed total stranger except that quite a few of these will be recognised by others.

Most sensible people name change when talking about something identifiable or very private.

This is a valuable resource for many people and is not at all the same as gossiping with someone you know.

Imcneil Your advice is sanctimonious,stupid and so out of order it's laughable

Cathetineofaragon STFU! I got pregnant right off the pill the first month so get lost with your ignorant post

@dontdisturbmenow none of my female friends would speak to me like that... if any of them had experience of having been pregnant they would be sympathetic - maybe they would share some of the more gruesome sides of pregnancy and birth with me but there’s no way they’d say it the way she did.. like its all some sort of massive joke. Yes i get that being able to talk to friends privately is good but there’s no way I’d share personal things about my husband with someone who I haven’t been friends with for that long and then let them take the piss out of him

He won't stand up for you OP?

But he's well able to stand up TO YOU?

So he's a bully too. You sound afraid of him. That seems VERY clear from your posts.

They are both vile.

I would be rethinking a pregnancy with a man like this.

It's very early days. Do you REALLY want to be connected to such a horrible man for the rest of your life.

You have a miserable future ahead of you with him.

Christ, has he shown you EXACTLY who he is.

I would NEVER forgive this. NEVER.

OP don’t take this the wrong way but it doesn’t seem right to me that you are worried to have it out with him.

He is in the wrong and you have every right to pull him up on this, I would not want to be with someone I couldn’t openly speak with for fear they’d turn it around onto me.

He should fully admit his actions were wrong and apologise to you. If he tries to make you the bad guy that’s just him projecting his guilt on to you, is this something he does regularly?

You should be honest, you were walking by, noticed a message pop up and saw what was said, my husband would not ever be worried about me seeing any messages he has with others and vice versa, there’s nothing to hide so what does it matter?

@billy1966 exactly what I was thinking, afraid to stand up to others but happy to stand up to his wife?

Doesn’t sound right at all.