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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:

EngagedAgain · 05/04/2020 09:28

Whatever the outcome of this is please don't become a doormat in the future. It doesn't seem as if he's got your back (which a loving partner would have) and it's disrespectful and childish.

PersonaNonGarter · 05/04/2020 09:29

He needs to dump her.

He needs to find some boundaries and act like a team.

lmcneil003 · 05/04/2020 09:29

@Sarahlou63

Id be printing those messages out and asking him very directly if you should continue with the pregnancy. You can't go through this for the next 7 months.

You would abort over this?? Really?

LittleRa · 05/04/2020 09:30

If she has no experience of birth then it definitely sounds like her motivation is “Urgh yuk how gross is Pumpkin going to be... and how attractive and appealing am I in comparison”. Horrid. How old is she? Sounds very immature.

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 09:30

He already lied to me because he said he hadn't told anyone that I wanted to try to have a homebirth but I know he told her because that was another thing she chimed in about on the messages...

OP posts:

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 09:31

@LittleRa I think she's early 30s maybe 33... I'm 27 and dh is 28.

OP posts:

puds11 · 05/04/2020 09:34

How old is she? In my experience when people say stuff like this they are jealous. Is it possible she has a crush on your DH? Also who cares if you shit yourself, you get a baby at the end of it. I’d happily shit myself for my kids

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 09:34

Just for reference here's screenshot of one of the messages

To be upset with my husband and his friend

OP posts:

TiredofSM · 05/04/2020 09:34

She’s after your husband.
I wouldn’t mention that I’d seen the message otherwise he may start to hide the friendship, I’d just keep an eye on the situation.

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 09:35

Screenshot:

OP posts:

LittleRa · 05/04/2020 09:36

What a weird conversation to be having about delivery, placebta and laxatives?! What does she actually know about it?! Odd topic for flirting!

NotStayingIn · 05/04/2020 09:37

I’m so sorry he is being such a prat. To be honest I think there are several problems in your relationship: he never stands up for you, you are worried about raising things like this with him, he thinks it’s fine to have inappropriate conversations about you behind your back.

Unless you are very careful you will find yourself in a very shit relationship. A new baby, tiredness, no sex life, stress etc isn’t going work in your favour here, just wait what they will be gossiping about then. You need to find a way to address this and make changes now. Good luck OP.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/04/2020 09:37

None of this is funny or jokes between friends. This is two arseholes behaving like arseholes. Only one of them is your problem. Show him this and ask him why the fuck he thinks this is appropriate. Then reconsider your decision to be in this marriage because frankly he's repulsive.

SuburbanFraggle · 05/04/2020 09:38

Imagine going to someone's house, then slagging them off with the spouse behind their back. What kind of character do you have to have to do that.

Deathraystare · 05/04/2020 09:38

Yes I think fo rnow - although it is very upsetting - keep an eye on this and get more evidence if you can. Fucking shitty behaviour from them both. Why do men do this when their partner is pregnant>

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 09:38

@LittleRa exactly... Its not like she's done it herself. Maybe the best way to look at it is she's weird. But still massively upset that dh didn't tell her to stop

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 05/04/2020 09:38

Out of order totally, he is pathetic and I think she fancies him. Find your inner lion and rip his head off

EmpressSuiko · 05/04/2020 09:38

I’d confront my husband, I don’t care if he’d get shitty over it.
No way in hell would I let any of that slide.
You need to stand up for yourself op, she is out of line and vile and he should not be encouraging her with laughing emojis, he should be putting a stop to it.

tiredanddangerous · 05/04/2020 09:40

You need to confront your husband. What he’s done is worse than what she’s done imo. He should have told her to fuck off and cut all contact.

SebastienCrabSauce · 05/04/2020 09:41

Honestly in your situation I wouldn’t give a flying fuck if my DH was cross at me for “snooping”.

Do not let him turn this around on you, he is a massive cunt!

To save the relationship I would need him to:

Apologise profusely
Explain the context
Let me see any other correspondence between them, open and honest
Promise that he will delete her from all social media and only communicate about work

If he didn’t do all of the above I would consider leaving. I could not be with someone who would be so disrespectful about me and not stick up for me. He has some serious apologising to do.

If he doesn’t apologise then you need to take stock of whether this is what you want

Sarahlou63 · 05/04/2020 09:42

@lmcneil003

I would want a straight answer from him about whether HE wants to continue with the pregnancy. If he's pulling this shit now, what's it going to be like for the rest of the term? Not abortion - divorce.

quarantinevibes · 05/04/2020 09:43

I wouldn’t care about being accused of snooping. He would be out the door ! How rude is this vile woman and why on earth is your dh entertaining it? I’d be so hurt in your shoes, you must confront him and let him not this is NOT acceptable ever. I’d make him completely cut off the friendship with this evil cow for this disrespect but that’s just me.

LittleRa · 05/04/2020 09:43

OP yes definitely he should’ve said “where are you on about?” or “Why would you say that?” to her.
You could say to him “oh god I’ve just been talking to [friend with kids] or just been reading on Mumsnet, and apparently sometimes during women poo, I didn’t know! How embarrassing! Although I suppose it’s just one of those things, and totally worth it to have the baby in the end”, and see what he says. If he says “oh yeah actually X was saying about that” you can say “really? That’s strange, she doesn’t have kids? What did she say?” and it opens up the discussion Or if he just says “oh I didn’t know that” or similar then adds to the suspicion.

MashedSpud · 05/04/2020 09:44

I’d be making sneaky steps to eject this thing from my dh’s life.

pinkyredrose · 05/04/2020 09:44

Your husband's a twat. He's the real problem here. Why doesn't he stand up for you?

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