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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
showmethegin · 07/04/2020 11:01

If he really doesn't understand why you're upset then I don't know how you can overcome this. I would 100% be telling him to leave. You don't need to make any decisions further than that for now.

I know it's hard but try not to dwell on what his family thinks; you can't live your life like that. What he did was massively disrespectful and it isn't the actions of a kind husband. I suspect he knows that anyway and he is gaslighting you to get out of it.

ButteryPuffin · 07/04/2020 11:01

Who cares if they blame you? Put yourself first. You know he's behaving horribly. Trust your feelings, tell him to go.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 07/04/2020 11:02

And still he isn’t loyal to you.

How much more do you need to see?

Do not care what his family thinks. Look after you.

VettiyaIruken · 07/04/2020 11:04

He has zero loyalty to you and he genuinely doesn't give a shit how you feel, does he?

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 07/04/2020 11:05

@butterypuffin I know it doesn't matter what they think but I just feel like no one has my back. Like everyone blames me... My dad did this too. It was always my fault... I just know my dh will say yeah it's her you know what she's like, it's her hormones etc

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 07/04/2020 11:08

Who gives a shit what they think about you.

Have your own back op, stick up for yourself, ensure no one disrespects you! YOU can do all this and have your OWN back. When you LO arrives, you'll have his/her back too

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/04/2020 11:08

"he will spin a yarn to his parents and they'll all just blame silly me"
And why would that influence what action you take? Seriously, if they blame you then they're arseholes. And you should never worry about what arseholes think of anything, it's just going to be arsehole-y.

He does not respect you. And I don't think love is possible without respectSad so I don't think he loves you. He's demonstrating his disrespect at every turn. Tell him you need space to think and he needs to go to his parents to give you room. Then change the locks.

madcatladyforever · 07/04/2020 11:09

@butterypuffin I know it doesn't matter what they think but I just feel like no one has my back. Like everyone blames me... My dad did this too. It was always my fault... I just know my dh will say yeah it's her you know what she's like, it's her hormones etc

I HATE men who do this and you get it all the way through life - oh it's her period, it's pregnancy hormones, it's the menopause and son on. It's so disrespectful.

You could quite easily say your are a moron because you are ruled by testosterone and your penis makes your brain unable to think things through. So rude.

I'd say back my pregnancy hormones have nothing to do with it, you are rude, disrespectful man who hasn't got the guts to stick up for your wife - you are a coward which is the worst kinf of man.

Let him suck on that Hmm

I'm so angry for you OP.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 07/04/2020 11:09

But if I go through with the pregnancy I'm literally tied to him forever... Would that be a mistake? But then it's not the baby's fault

OP posts:
abitlostandalwayshungry · 07/04/2020 11:15

Pumpkin, sounds your feelings have been devalued first by your father and now by your H. Even tough you have been 'trained' to put the blame in yourself you still have a healthy gut feeling - deep down you know you H is gaslighting you. trust your gut-feeling. you know its wrong he doesn't have your back. His friend was more understanding and apologetic about the messages than him! that says something! you know its also wrong that he doesn't like you on your phone as well.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 07/04/2020 11:21

@abitlostandalwayshungry you're right. I've always felt my feeling arent validated. Growing up and now with him. If I've been hurt by someone else, he'll be understanding but not if it's him that's done the hurting. And yes his friend was more apologetic than him... OK I am still disgusted by what she wrote but she is probably thoughtless and someone who speaks first, thinks later but she was actually sorry... Why couldn't my dh have been like that?

OP posts:
abitlostandalwayshungry · 07/04/2020 11:23

regarding the baby - most important thing is to make sure you are safe, happy and well.
whatever you decide to do, it must not be based on what is best for your H, his family or even your baby in very early stages.

You matter, your wellbeing is the main thing you need to protect.

Merryoldgoat · 07/04/2020 11:24

So he cares enough to reassure her but not you?

This man is a shit.

Baby or no baby you’d been a fool to stay with him.

Think. REALLY think. Do you want this baby and this marriage? Or would you benefit from being completely alone for a while?

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 07/04/2020 11:27

Feel ganged up on again... His sister just messaged me saying its not like he's had an affair...

OP posts:
abitlostandalwayshungry · 07/04/2020 11:31

Why couldn't my dh have been like that?

I suspect because he feels superior, his feelings more valid and important than yours.

I can relate to your background, coming from a home where parents put every blame on their children is a heavy load. It is a constant struggle, a CONSTANT checking of emotions - is this emotion valid? is this just in my head? maybe it is my fault after all?

Sadly I think you might have ended up with your H because he could sense that he can control you based on your history and upbringing.

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 11:32

But if I go through with the pregnancy I'm literally tied to him forever... Would that be a mistake? But then it's not the baby's fault

You could absolutely minimise your contact to access arrangements - you are actually in a better position than many re. being a single mum. You have mortgage, own your own home, have employment, he and his family (while he is horrible bastard) sound like they will take their turn looking after the child. Remember you will get 85% of childcare paid as a single mum if you work (registered childcare facility or childminder), you'll get some UC depending on your income, child benefit isn't much but adds to it, child maintenance as long as he doesn't have the child more than two overnights (check that) and as long as the eejit holds down a job etc.

I'm not telling you not to have a termination, that's entirely up to you but just to say that having a child is very hard work but also wonderful, really wonderful esp they get bigger and talk.

Mittens030869 · 07/04/2020 11:32

I'm so sorry, OP. I really identify with this, never having been taught that you matter, as much as anyone else. The only questions you need to ask yourself is do you want this marriage and do you want to continue with your pregnancy?

You need to speak to your midwife alone, that's massively important. BiscuitThanksThanks

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 11:33

*no mortgage

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/04/2020 11:34

I'm now 100% thinking of telling him to go to his parents and to only come back if he has changed his mind about where his loyalty lies

That would be a very wise thing to do, if only to give you space to think about what you're going to do for yourself instead of worrying about his reaction all the time, and about the views of his parents which don't matter at all

Nothing needs to be decided instantly, but it's clear he's not going to change so at some point you'll have to confront what you're actually going to do about this ... and that will be easier with him out of the way

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 07/04/2020 11:36

OP, What is good about your DH? You’ve said a lot of practical reasons you can’t leave and I understand that. But what is it that makes you want to stay and spend your own and only life with this man?

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 07/04/2020 11:37

@Pumpkin108 you have been through so very much. If nothing else please try and get some space to yourself to think and rest. You’re pregnant and you’re in recovery. Someone needs to look after YOU

AprilFloundering · 07/04/2020 11:40

You've picked a man liked your DH ... you will never be right and he will never be wrong. Everything will always be your fault.

His family will back him and bully you into submission.

Get rid now. Tell him to pack his bags and go.

His first instinct was to apologize TO HER! Not you. HER. And told her he's be talking to her again tomorrow. Sweetly.

While he ignores you and insists he's done nothing wrong. And complain to his family that you're 'over reacting' and hormonal no doubt.

Get rid.

abitlostandalwayshungry · 07/04/2020 11:41

Feel ganged up on again... His sister just messaged me saying its not like he's had an affair...

First if all, it doesn't matter what he did or didn't do. if you'd decide the relationship is over for no apparent reason, that is also your right.
You can end a relationship because you fell out of love.

So whats happening here:
like your H, your sister is telling you that your emotions are not valid. she is defining your boundaries for you.

Start identifying those situations and keep an eye on it - you are trained to fall for those traps. see them, remind yourself your feelings matter and you need to trust them to stay healthy.

The more you learn to trust your gut feeling, the easier it will be to control anxiety as well.

AprilFloundering · 07/04/2020 11:42

and perhaps look into counselling for yourself.

It could help you start to stand up for yourself.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 07/04/2020 11:42

@calvinlookingforhobbles sigh... I mean a lot of the time he can be supportive and nice and when I've been ill and need to go to appts etc he's been there for me. It's just really mixed... Iike I feel like I have to ask permission to buy things, like I can't just order some clothes or whatever without checking with him first... Sometimes I resort to buying things in secret but I know that's bad and I don't like lying but I feel like he wouldn't let me have those things if I told him... I don't know I would say we can have 30% of the time where its really good, 50% where its ok/good and then 20% where he's done something to upset me.

I guess it's the fear of being alone and having to go through the trauma of separating. I know staying with him could be worse long term but I don't responds well to stress and it could make my illness go into a serious flare up.

OP posts:
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