To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

Make sure you take actual photos of the messages on the screen so you have proof if they keep doubting you.

I can't remember if you said his sister is married or with a boyfriend or whatnot, but reply back his sister like this:

 How would you like it if A disclosed your private medical information and intimate details to a friend and they were mocking and laughing about you possibly having a miscarriage.  Mocking you being in pain.  Laughing about you having to wear a nappy.  Saying you are sensitive and weak for being a human being in pain.
How would YOU feel if someone did that to you?

Like that. Also, you don't know that they aren't having an affair you could tell her that. As he certainly pays far more attention to her and cares about her than he does about his own wife and mother of his unborn child.

See what she says then. It seems to me his whole family is ill-brought up with no manners and no morals or concern for anyone but themselves.

@Pumpkin108 you will, in time do what is right for you. For now please try to not get too stressed for both your pregnancy and your illness.

If mumsnet could reach out and help you’d have a hundred women holding your hand right now. I’m so sorry your husband is such an idiot. I hope you find the strength to leave him and find a happy life for yourself, it is out there. I promise.

So he tries to control who you talk to.
He tries to control what you wear, what you buy with your own money.
All this added to the other markers I have mentioned.
You are living with an emotionally abusive man. It doesn't have to be physical abuse, for it to be real.
Please speak to midwife. tell him he CANNOT be present. Now is the time to decide if you are having this baby. because he must go. It will be infinitely better if he goes fast.

His sister is down playing everything and to be honest it has fuck all to do with her.

He’s controlling, your phone and what clothes you wear? It’s not normal behaviour in a healthy, loving relationship.

So, 50% 'ok' and 20% bad adds up to 70% 'meh'.
I wouldn't sign up to a life of 70% less than satisfactory.
And he's a colossal arsewipe.
Right now, you have ALL the power. You own the house.
This won't last.
Get rid of him, even if it's only temporary.

at least she has the human decency to get that she was out of order when she spoke to the OP and knew that an apology was in order right away.

Call me cynical but her apologies and excuses seem sincere to me, they seemed like s smoothing over, social nicety, disengenuous bit of bullshit.

Someone who calls another woman weak for experiencing pain/discomfort during a scan when she's worried she's miscarrying and is having painful cramps .... Is not and is never going to be a decent person.

Someone who is told another woman has bowel disease and makes "jokey" comments about her needing to have laxatives before birth in order not to shit herself, and needing adult nappies after birth, is not a decent person and never will be.

She just chose to fake apologise and make excuses cause she was caught out and out on the back foot and because she's fake as well as everything else.

Ops dh doesn't feel the need to be fake or to concede an inch, even if it's pretend. He thinks the power in every aspect of the relationship lies with him and op can put up or shut up, as she has done to date.

He and his family members think they are above apologising, above admitting being wrong, even when they are. As I said I'd love to see his reaction to op die using him in such a manner with a male "friend".

*don't seem sincere

What a horrible vile pigs they both are. Your body will not be broken! How fucking dare he discuss something like that and how fucking dare she comment on your body.
You know what and it's not something I'm embarrassed over nor did I get made to feel embarrassed about it I did do a little poo when I was pushing because that's what i bodies bloody do! Mum and partner were in the room with me and the midwives change the bed pad over so quick you don't even realise you've done it. I even pissed myself whilst giving birth and didn't even realise. Reading this I sound like a right mess. My body was pushing my baby out a long with other natural body fluids. Did I wear a nappy after birth?! No I didn't. But there are plenty of woman that have too because your body is all over the place after giving birth. And you know what, that's perfectly fine and perfectly natural.
Leave this horrible controlling pig.

So the whole family doesn't do apologies? What a horrible family

Tbh, I'd tell the sister that you have no interest in discussing it further with her. Whatever you say will be you "overreacting" and she will no doubt report back to her brother so best to just cut her off as a source for him.

I'd only be repeating what many others have said if I offered advice, but I do agree that sending him to his parents house is the best idea. Get him out the house and out your head. Focus on what you want and what's best for you.

Has anyone suggested the Freedom programme yet? www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you sort your thoughts.

*discussing him

Your life with him is going to be hard work.

OP, whatever you decide regarding the pregnancy.

Please know that you are in an extremely controlling, abusive emotional and financial relationship.

You will be bringing a baby into that environment.

As the child of an abusive parent, is that what you would want for a future child.

He is not a good man.

He is not a kind man.

He won't be a good father.

An abusive childhood lasts a lifetime.

There is never any getting away from the sadness of it, fully.
It is part of the fabric of a person.

Don't knowingly bring an innocent child into such an environment, when you have a choice.

You deserve so much better than this excuse of a man and his family.

Hi Pumpkin. I would write down all the messages that you did not manage to screenshot, then you have a record of them. You ll be able to remind yourself that there was a big problem in the future when your DH tries to minimise it and blame you - helpful for you whether you stay together or not.
I would just make one decision at a time. Do nt think you have to end your pregnancy if you split up with him. I m a single mum and its been fine (lovely actually!) - easier on your own than with the wrong man.
Maybe ask for him to stay with his parents or sister for a short time to start with to give you a bit of space and take it from there?
xx

His messages to her today are horrendous. Yes, he is acting as though her right to laugh at you trumps your feelings. It’s fucked up. Make him leave.

I would really really think very hard about whether you want to be tied for life to this nasty piece of work by a baby.

OP I'm so sorry Pleae please listen to me- I have had a very similar upbringing to you and spent years of my life with this kind of man until I got help. I do understand so please please listen to the advice on here.

You are in an abusive marriage.

You need to recognise that now. You are co-dependent due to your upbringing and you were never taught healthy boundaries, hence tolerating shite behaviour from your husband. Not your fault, but it IS your responsibility as an adult to overcome this. Your husband was also probably attracted to you because he sniffed you out as a victim he could bully, control and treat like shit.

Take a step back and imagine a friend of yours told you this was happening to her:
Husband shared deeply personal medical details with a virtual stranger- bowel disease, internal examination, pains WTF?!!
Husband financially abusive
Husband controlling over phone use
Husband minimises feelings and gaslights

If you raise your child in this environment they will grow up deeply unhealthy without healthy boundaries of their own and they will go on to become only one of two things: a victim of abuse, or an abuser. It's not your fault you were never taught how to be boundaries and look after yourself. BUT It is now your responsibility to change your life to stop this from ever happening and to give you child a chance at a secure healthy upbringing.

You must take steps now OP:

1. Tell the midwife and ask for support to kick him out. This is SO important.
2. Also tell your two close friends to get moral support
3. Tell him to leave and move to his family
4. Change the locks on your property
5. Do NOT disclose anything to his family nor trust them again. They don't have your best interests at heart.
6. Rely on your two good friends for emotional support
7. Seek further support from outside agencies such as midwife, Women's Aid etc
8. Access the freedom programme online
9. Educate yourself on co-dependency. Try Lisa A Romano on YouTube as a starting point.

10. Ask your GP for a therapy referral, or access low cost or free local therapy, and have therapy throughout the rest of your pregnancy to support you to develop healthy boundaries, healthy self-esteem and be a healthy parent.

As much as you will love your child to bits, you need to recognise that (through no fault of your own) you are not fully equipped emotionally to parent your child in a way that will change the patterns established. As it stands your child will end up without healthy boundaries or self-esteem as an adult either. Even worse if you were to stay in this marriage. Just think what that child would witness - they would learn that this abuse is what a normal relationship looks like. You need to remove yourself and your child from this toxic environment / marriage now, and you need to seek therapy to learn to break those patterns of behaviour. You can do it

whats more, Why is he messaging her every day? He isn't working.
He has already said he will speak to her tomorrow? in spite of knowing the fallout from yesterday.
he just doesn't give a toss how you feel. She is more important

Also guys, it's obvious to me that the awful mcneil poster is a male, with insecurities trying to gaslight the OP. Let's ignore.

Classic. He doesn't like you spending time on your phone because HE is behaving badly on his.

@Mix56 i don’t know... they’re friends. Yes i know he’ll be speaking to her today. Obviously he knows I sent her a message but he hasn’t spoken about this to me...in a way i find that a bit weird too in a normal relationship. I don’t expect him to be rude to her but I don’t expect him to say oh don’t worry about it, what you said is no big deal insinuating that I’m silly and over sensitive. Feel like he has no intention of changing. I honestly feel so low right now its hard for me to know how to carry on

@Pumpkin108 please read my post just now. There are steps for you to take. You can do it.

Stop comparing your marriage to "normal" - it is not. It is abusive.

Obviously he knows I sent her a message but he hasn’t spoken about this to me...in a way i find that a bit weird too in a normal relationship.

Bur your relationship isn't normal it is highly abusive, please see that?

Feel like he has no intention of changing.

Not just that, in most cases of abuse it gets worst after a baby arrives, as the abuser feels even more ownership over you

I honestly feel so low right now its hard for me to know how to carry on

you carry on with small steps.
start with the freedom project

He has already said he will speak to her tomorrow?

Yes, I thought he told you he would stop speaking to her?!

She gave him the perfect opportunity to just say something easy like “appreciate you apologising, thanks. I think the banter went too far”. He couldn’t even do that!

@crispysausagerolls yes exactly this. That’s all he had to say