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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
BertiesLanding · 07/04/2020 11:44

OP, I've read the thread and I'm sorry you are dealing with this and also feeling so unsupported in real life.

For what it's worth, it sometimes helps to understand that, when you chose your husband, you will have chosen something very familiar to you - and so you end up in a similar set of circumstances as you did with your father.

But it doesn't end there: because the kind of family that creates a husband like yours, is a family who will not be particularly functional.

That's why you can't look for support from his sister, or, ultimately, his parents. They will all be colluding in this - and they all created it together, if mostly unconsciously. That feeling you're feeling of being ganged-up on is unsurprising.

None of this is normal, and none of them is normal either.

Rather disengage from the whole lot of them, or you'll simply encounter the same 'othering' and rejection that you knew when you were growing up.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 07/04/2020 11:46

Jesus.

What does this relationship do for you? Because it sounds as though it is all about his wants.

An illness flare up? Against a lifetime of this pish?

It won’t be a trauma separating. It will be a relief.

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 11:48

He controls your spending? He lives rent and mortgage free in your fucking property!!

abitlostandalwayshungry · 07/04/2020 11:49

I have my suspicions that your anxieties and mental health will massively improve if you wouldn't be constantly gaslighted by your H.

that you are not allowed to buy clothes or be on your phone are massive red flags.

Im starting to be really worried about you.
Your H sounds extremely controlling.

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 11:49

Nice little setup for him to move into.

What was this shit about him not wanting you to use your phone?

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 11:50

Of you're not extremely extravagant (which I have a feeling you're not) that's financial abuse too.

You sound so bullied in this relationship. It's sounds do unequal. No wonder he thinks he can act however he likes and owes you no respect.

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 11:51

*If

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 07/04/2020 11:52

If anything Op you have won controlling arsehole bingo.

Call (my) house and claim your winnings.

Namely freedom and a life.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 07/04/2020 11:53

@GilbertMarkham so when we first met, he thought I was being rude if I ever checked my phone... So I then only checked it if he went out of the room so then he went all suspicious... Basically he thinks I spend too long on it... Maybe I do but I like speaking to my friends and maybe I wouldn't have to so much if he talked to me more... But yeah anyway even now he makes comments when I'm on my phone like 'are you winning?' wtf does that even mean and 'oh are you not doing x, y, z' because he doesn't like me being on there...

Yes you are right about his family, he is the only son of 4 kids and think he's spoilt...been brought up to be the 'special' one because he's by far the highest achiever etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 07/04/2020 11:55

Think we know where this stems from. His sister just says that none of them ever really apologise... Their dad doesn't, she said she doesn't really, other sister doesn't...

OP posts:
abitlostandalwayshungry · 07/04/2020 11:58

his demands about your phone habits are extremely controlling. you described rather worrying financial abuse too.

I think the messages with his friend are actually
your smallest problem - you are in a controlling and emotionally and financially abusive relationship.

Can you see that reading your posts back?

Please free yourself from this horrid man and his awful family

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 11:59

Just to reiterate that the longer you stay married to him, I think the more chance he'll have a claim on your property as a marital asset.

And I suspect you only have that asset because as a by product of being left with no family (except your useless alco father) - something you suffer due to, not him. He has his family and support.

I don't know the exact ins and outs of the law where you are, but in NI (which is part of the UK in spite of some people being a bit confused about that) I know two older women who had short second marriages to abusers (one crossed into physical, the other did not) who owned their homes .. and both had to make payouts to their husbands in spite of the marriages not being long, esp.in one case, and ending due to their abuse (our no fault system).

One (shorter marriage) was able to raise the money to pay him his awarded amount, the other had to sell up to pay him and ended up having to go into social housing, which she got more easily due to having rhumetoid arthritis.

HowCowBrownNow · 07/04/2020 12:00

Op, can you talk to your close friend? Is she nearby? She will have your back. It's disgusting that he told that creature about your pregnancy, and all about the internal scan. I would have been raging if my ex had discussed me in such detail with a work buddy.

Like you said he's on Furlough so has no reason to contact her now. She is a vile, potty mouthed, jealous creature.

I hope your midwife appt goes well. You should show her the messages. His behaviour is not normal. You need as little stress as possible. The first trimester is draining enough with the hormones. And now you have to deal with the fall out ofour husband's behaviour plus also keep in check your underlying condition.

Your midwife will be very supportive. I had a particularly lovely midwife for my first and third pregnancy. I'll never forget how supportive she was. x

categoricallycrackers · 07/04/2020 12:03

If you are restricted in using your phone, buying clothes and other things, this is only likely to get worse once the baby comes. His putting others feelings before yours is only likely to get worse too, except it will be putting others feelings before yours and the babys' soon.

Although we are all strangers to you, the majority of us write here with care for your well being and I've even seen a PP with similar circumstances to you, reach out to say, DM me for support. We've got your back. Do not listen to his family and to him trying to minimise this go with YOUR gut feeling here, even if it feels against the grain for you. You are the key player in your life and you should make decisions based on what is best for you. You are getting a view here from a lot of women, many of whom have had experience of controlling partners. None are saying you are being unreasonable.

I appreciate that your condition may flare up with stress, but if you let this one ride you could have a lot of stress in the years to come as you absorb year after year of poor behaviour.

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 12:03

when we first met, he thought I was being rude if I ever checked my phone... So I then only checked it if he went out of the room so then he went all suspicious... Basically he thinks I spend too long on it... Maybe I do but I like speaking to my friends and maybe I wouldn't have to so much if he talked to me more... But yeah anyway even now he makes comments when I'm on my phone like 'are you winning?' wtf does that even mean and 'oh are you not doing x, y, z' because he doesn't like me being on there...

Controlling.

And especially hypocritical given how much he messages "friends" like the crude, derogatory Polish woman, letting them take the piss out if you to boot.

categoricallycrackers · 07/04/2020 12:06

@HowNowBrownCow I don't disagree with you that she is vile but at least she has the human decency to get that she was out of order when she spoke to the OP and knew that an apology was in order right away. Her husband, the closest person to the OP in the world is still acting like it was all okay and apologising to her (the friend) rather than his wife. It's a real display of where his priorities lie. He should be all about defending his wife, not sparing the feelings of the 'friend'.

abitlostandalwayshungry · 07/04/2020 12:07

Just to reiterate that the longer you stay married to him, I think the more chance he'll have a claim on your property as a marital asset.
^
actually this is such a good point.
If you struggle to make hard decisions based in what you are feeling, look at it from a cold financial point of view - are you prepared to give him half your house down the line ? his controlling and abusive behaviour is likely to get worse once the baby is here.

PerpendicularVincent · 07/04/2020 12:20

Ultimately, what his sister/family think is irrelevant. They can fuck off.

You're being treated badly and you deserve more. I know it's easy for us to say because it isn't us experiencing it, but I would be seriously questioning my relationship and preparing to raise my baby without him.

Assuming you stay with him, nothing will change. He's unsupportive, disloyal, controlling, dishonest and sounds pretty dull to be around.

simplekindoflife · 07/04/2020 12:27

Good for her for apologising. Seems she's been taking her lead on this from him then, and he's the one encouraging it.

What a bastard. I can't believe he doesn't even have the decency to own it and apologise.

I'd be tempted to spell it out to him: "I am considering ending our marriage over this!"

It's not even that it's messaging another 'woman', which does make it worse, but even if he was saying these things to a man it would be a breach of trust and completely disrespectful. It's like his bitching about someone he hates. I couldn't get past that personally.

CodenameVillanelle · 07/04/2020 12:29

You're in an abusive relationship. I know it's shocking to realise but you are. The sooner you end it the better for you and the baby.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 07/04/2020 12:29

The woman was never the problem.

The husband is a hole.

Charley50 · 07/04/2020 12:31

I really, really want you to kick his sorry arse out. Whether or not you decide to continue with the pregnancy, life will be so much better without him in it.

MushroomTree · 07/04/2020 12:35

He's abusive. End of story.

I left an abusive relationship when DD was 6 months old. I love her to death and would do anything for her. However, if you'd told me when I found out I was pregnant how things would turn out and that I'd be tied for life to a nasty excuse for a human being, I wouldn't have continued with the pregnancy.

You make whatever decision is right for you but think very very hard about how your life will look with this man in it.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/04/2020 12:39

Oh PLEASE leave him.

He is crap. He is nasty, childish, disloyal, arrogant - he's not a keeper, he's not a good partner, he won't be a good dad.

You say you've had issues and you thought that the pregnancy had made him grow up a bit - but now you can see that surprise surprise, people don't change!!!

The house is yours. If you stay married, before too long the house will end up being half his too... sorry to say it but that could be a major factor in why he's been keen to marry and have a baby.

It may be hard on your health in the short term to split but imagine a LIFETIME of this. Of constantly feeling that your supposed life partner is slagging you off and laughing about you behind your back, talking you down to whichever 'friend' is the flavour of the month. That kind of shit REALLY shortens your life, believe me.

Wait until you're stuck with a newborn and your supposed husband is busy in a bar with his friends saying he'll be home soon but you know he's pulling faces at the phone and rolling his eyes and his friends are sat there sniggering at you 'She's been a nightmare since we had the baby, probably still feeling the stitches I guess, haha!'

Can you imagine? Angry

GET RID.

Please do so quickly so you can a. decide whether you really want a baby with this guy and b. whether you want to stay married long enough to effectively hand him half the value of your house when you finally do get too sick of taking his shit.

Oh, and you're the bad guy to his family? Um, so what? How about you tell his sister that no, he hasn't had an affair, he just happens to be a nasty, disloyal, unsupportive sack of shit and you're beginning to realise it, which is plenty bad enough for you to be thinking right now that he isn't worth it and you could do better.

PuggyMum · 07/04/2020 12:42

I once had my fil mention how often I'm on my phone.
I was like 'hang on... you read the newspaper every morning for at least an hour. You set your watch by the lunchtime, tea time and ten o'clock news' so there's at least 2 hours.
I also can read work emails on my phone. It all adds up. Phones are not all about playing games and being on Mumsnet!