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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 07/04/2020 14:07

OP I hope you will find the strength to realise that he is abusive and that you do something about it now

The longer you leave it the worse it will be

crispysausagerolls · 07/04/2020 14:23

Instead what he has done is say “my partner is an idiot and her feelings don’t matter to me. Carry on”.

How can you live like that??

copycopypaste · 07/04/2020 14:36

I'm afraid if you stay with him this will be just one in a long line of ways he'll disrespect you.

If you leave now at least you'll have half a chance if bringing up your dc to respect you and have morals themselves

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 14:46

they’re friends.

Their "friendship" is inappropriate. It involves being derogatory to at least one of their partners. Seems too full on as well.

There's something totally off key about it.

As I said and others have said she sounds like the Queen bee type who thinks he's one of her guys, and for reasons best known to himself he goes along with that, including tolerating serious disrespect to his partner.

He's also told her far far too much intimate, personal detail about you .. for anyone, let alone a woman he says he knows is crude, tactkess etc.

happywifi99 · 07/04/2020 14:56

Do you think this will get better? Are you satisfied with a lifetime of this? You could be so much happier

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 14:56

Of course if you object you'll be jealous, controlling, unreasonable etc. You can't win with someone like this.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 07/04/2020 15:30

Tell him to go to his mums

mulberrybag · 07/04/2020 15:35

You need to read newmumsoon's post. Re read it, and then act upon it.
There are literally hundreds of posters here giving you advice based on their experience, and you're focussing on minute details and not the enormous issue in front of you.
I totally get why - it's too massive for you to confront and too overwhelming- but please, please, please know that your life with him will be an utter disaster.
He will be the entitled pig that enters into an affair (most probably with his 'friend' ) as you've had the audacity to not be the 100% happy version of yourself post birth that he has trained you into believing you have to be to keep him happy.
Please step by step take the advice of NewMumSoon and please get help to take every step to your freedom away from this controlling bastard

billy1966 · 07/04/2020 15:47

Small steps OP.

Tell the Midwife that your husband controls money and phone usage.

That the house is yours.

That you need support.

Small steps.

Look at your options re this pregnancy.

I think if he was out of the house it would be easier to see the wood from the trees.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 07/04/2020 16:39

I’m going to try to speak to the midwife - it’s a phone consultation so should be able to do it. I know what he’s doing is wrong

OP posts:
Mushypeasandchipstogo · 07/04/2020 16:45

Please do speak to the midwife. Do NOT allow him to listen in.
As others have said he is abusive. His family are covering up for him.
Get him out of your house, get him out of your life and you know that you will be a lot happier.

Scratchyback · 07/04/2020 17:03

Good luck Pumpkin - it’s so tough. I know it’s easy for us all to shout ‘leave him, kick him out’ but I’m sure it’s not so simple for you. At least try and draw that line in the sand to show him what is most certainly not acceptable- I hope you can get him to the stage that he’s ashamed of himself. You should be his number one priority and he should be protecting you big time now. Anything less is less than you deserve.

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 17:48

as you've had the audacity to not be the 100% happy version of yourself post birth that he has trained you into believing you have to be to keep him happy.

Yeah that was also shitty/disturbing. You have a health condition that affects you and it read like you weren't allowed to have it affect you, you couldn't expect tolerance and support

You need a kind, supportive partner. He really does not sound like one.

But this business with the "friend" - what he's told her, what he's not challenged and laughed along with, his refusal to admit it's wrong, his refusal to say sorry, his continuation of contacting her and chatting with her (unnecessarily) after what he's been caught out with ... On top of everything else that sounds shit & bullying in your relationship ...

I'd never normally wish a miscarriage on anyone but when you mentioned being tied to him for life, it went through my head, I must admit.

However even if you have this baby as it sounds like you will; you can make a good life for yourself single or with another partner eventually.

Firewall · 07/04/2020 18:12

OP you are stronger than you think you are. Take your time to make the right steps for yourself. I’m so sorry your husband’s behaviour is appalling. Sadly, please try to detach from his family, they will always be on his side regardless of how bad he is... which enables him to behave the way he does.
You sound like an amazing person and you really don’t need somebody that isn’t going to add positively to your life. There are kind people out there.

crispysausagerolls · 07/04/2020 18:28

Where do
You live OP?

LadyEloise · 07/04/2020 18:31

Pumpkin108
That's a great idea speaking with the midwife.
There is a newish law in the UK against coercive control by a partner. Wiser Mumsnetters than me will be along to explain it.
I really hope you get the support you need and you deserve in real life. 💐

billy1966 · 07/04/2020 19:34

OP, i have huge admiration, as i have no doubt many others have, thatbyounhave kept posting...

You are sooooo much stronger than you believe.

There are women all over the country that will, and can support those that are in difficult situations.

Posting your general area could give you a whole new level of support on so many levels that YOU could choose to feel are there for you.

Think about that.

You are NOT alone.

Flowers
AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 07/04/2020 19:38

How did you get on with the private midwife OP?

Did you get privacy when they came round?

MetalMidget · 08/04/2020 09:04

But if I go through with the pregnancy I'm literally tied to him forever... Would that be a mistake? But then it's not the baby's fault

It's not your fault either. Your husband sounds like a dick, and a borderline abusive one at that. Hell, not even that borderline, tbh:

  • He discloses your private medical information, and doesn't understand he's done wrong. Possibly because he doesn't see you as an individual, just as an accessory to his life?
  • He allows disparaging comments about you from a colleague, and even agrees, and tries to make out that you're being unreasonable in being upset. Remember, every comment she'll have made about you being weak, sensitive, etc, is an opinion she's formed from what your husband has told her.
  • He tries to guilt trip and gaslight you over your completely understandable upset. You are not overreacting.
  • He tries to limit your contact with your friends by guilt tripping you about using your phone.
  • He tries to limit your spending

You've mentioned that your dad was pretty awful - you've had enough stress from a wanker in the home as a child from the sounds of it, you don't have to put up with it in a different form now.

Honestly, if I was in your position, I'd terminate the pregnancy - he's proven that he'll put himself and his own feelings first every time, and doesn't have your back. I'd do everything possible to avoid being tied to this man in any shape or form now that I'd seen his true colours.

But, that's a lot easier said than done. Whatever you decide, you don't have to stay with this complete and utter cockwomble. Being a single mother is extremely hard, but better than raising a child in an abusive relationship where your sense of self esteem is completely hammered away.

justilou1 · 08/04/2020 10:00

Oh honey you have such a hard decision to make. If you don’t wish to continue with the pregnancy, I think you can contact your doctor and she can arrange for tablets for you to take at home. You can tell DH you have miscarried and you can move on from there. Personally, I wouldn’t trust him.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 08/04/2020 13:00

The friend reminds me of someone I kne win the past. She was a friend of my ex, who had an unplesant habit of ringing him (and other men she knew- she only had male friends) all the time, calling them cute names, hi handsome, this sort of stuff. We would be on a date and she would call and spent forever on the phone and he thought it was perfectly normal. Funnily enough she had a partner and was incredibly jealous of him. We met up with her once for dinner, she was ringing her partner every 10 minutes and overheard at one point (he was in a restaurant with his friends) a female voice- a waistress, webt ballistic and started screaming in the middle of the place that she willl not allow his affair etc.
Wonder if the friend would be equally happy if her fiancee developped this sort of friendship with another woman as she has with oyur husband... Anyways, your H looks like a tosser, hope you manage to get rid of him sooner rather than later.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 08/04/2020 13:01

That being said, have not read the full thread so don't know if you want to continue with the pregnancy or whether people out of their own accord hint that you should?

crispysausagerolls · 08/04/2020 13:38

How did midwife go?

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 08/04/2020 13:51

@crispysausagerolls she had to change the appointment to tonight as something came up but hopefully it will go well later. As suspected dh has now changed passwords etc on his laptop though went on his phone and no further messages with this woman..

OP posts:
rubberoftheband · 08/04/2020 14:00

@Pumpkin108 so predictable of him! Good luck tonight!