Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell her about her teeth?

247 replies

MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 19:09

My very dear friend (mid-40s) recently ended a relationship after 5 years and is back on the dating scene. She's pretty clued up about online dating, but having a lot of knock backs after initial meet ups and has asked me if there is something she could do differently.

My honest opinion is that fixing her teeth would make a huge difference. Her dental hygiene is fine, but her teeth are very crowded and uneven, and also pretty stained. I have to be honest, if she was a man I was thinking of dating, they would put me right off. But I don't know whether to tell her. Yes, she has asked me and yes, we have a close enough relationship that I would tell her if an item of clothing didn't suit her, if she asked for my opinion. But teeth are so much more personal, And, of course I don't know for sure what is putting men off. Maybe she has just been unlucky and met a load of twunts.

To be clear, I am not considering saying, "Your teeth are awful, and probably putting men off". We have another friend who has had hers whitened and it looks really good, so I was thinking of saying, "How about having your teeth whitened to increase your confidence, like Sarah has?" and then hope the dentist suggests straightening too.

My friend is a lovely person, I hate that something so superficial as teeth are important but the reality is that, when you are first meeting someone, they are something you notice. On the other hand, I am worried that, if I say anything, even very tactfully, she will feel gutted that people have been judging her teeth all these years.

AIBU to think I should try, very tactfully, to tell her?

OP posts:
Sugartitss · 04/04/2020 19:11

you sound lovely op but however you say it she’ll likely feel like shit.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/04/2020 19:12

I agree that unsightly teeth are massively offputting. I think the form of words you have suggested sounds good. And even uneven teeth look better whitened.

Sparklesocks · 04/04/2020 19:12

I think it’s a tricky one, has she ever said her teeth bother her? Or is she quite happy with them regardless? Because if it’s the latter I think she could get upset

HisBetterHalf · 04/04/2020 19:13

Arent dentists only doing emergency treatment

Original poster
MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 19:14

Arent dentists only doing emergency treatment

Yes, I meant post-lockdown for the treatment. Obviously she isn't dating at the moment either

OP posts:
slashlover · 04/04/2020 19:14

She probably knows. I had terrible teeth, someone pointed it out to me as if I didn't own a mirror.

Ghostlyglow · 04/04/2020 19:14

She will know her teeth are awful. My teeth are awful, I am aware of it.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 04/04/2020 19:15

I agree with pp that no matter how you say it it will probably hurt. But I also agree that bad teeth are off putting.

Sally872 · 04/04/2020 19:16

Do you think she is completely unaware of her teeth? If she knows they aren't great then not much for you to add.

Perhaps if you keep the conversation completely separate to her dating query. "I am thinking about getting my teeth whitenened like Sarah, but not sure. Will need to find out more about the cost and process." Might start a conversation, or an idea.

Walkerbean16 · 04/04/2020 19:16

Teeth whitening and straightening can cost 1000s. Has she got the money to fix it?

Northernwarrior · 04/04/2020 19:16

You don’t know this is putting them off.

It’s also not a bad smell she doesn’t notice. If her teeth are that bad she knows, she sees them every day. If she hasn’t done anything she doesn’t care.

Roweeeeena · 04/04/2020 19:18

Can she realistically do anything about it? She could probably get them whitened quite easily but would she be financially able to have the other issues fixed? If I thought she probably couldn't do anything about it I'd leave it. You're right though, it's extremely off putting unfortunately. I couldn't date someone really bad teeth.

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2020 19:18

Wouldn't crowded teeth be really hard to whiten?

Mummyshark2018 · 04/04/2020 19:19

Do you think she's oblivious to how her teeth look? I would never mention then unless age brought it up first.

SimplySteveRedux · 04/04/2020 19:20

You sound great OP. I've been through the mill with my teeth thanks to a rare condition and have had no teeth since 31, and people liken me to a drug addict.

She'll likely know, but if you can gently suggest something it may cause a massive confidence boost for her once she gets past the short-term pain of realisation.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 04/04/2020 19:21

Can she comfortably afford to get them straightened? If not then please don’t even mention them.

NeverYouMind123 · 04/04/2020 19:21

If I was your friend I would want you to tell me but only if I was able to do something about it

Geepipe · 04/04/2020 19:21

Dont do it. Teeth are personal and as you said its not that she neglects her dental hygeine so leave it. My dp and my best friend dont have good teeth at all and its never put anyone off dating them so its more like she just hasnt met the right people yet.

Hannah021 · 04/04/2020 19:21

I'd take another approach and say
"what do you think you can do to increase your chances?"
"what do you think you can improve at a social level, and at appearance level"
i'm sure she knows, and it might be an affordability problem.

If she spells it out, you could then say "give a go" ....

Original poster
MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 19:22

I think it’s a tricky one, has she ever said her teeth bother her? Or is she quite happy with them regardless?

She's never mentioned them, either way. It's odd because, though she is not high maintenance, she does look after her appearance in other ways - has a really good haircut, for example, and dresses well. When she was younger, I think the teeth problem was less noticeable because they were less stained, but it really is quite noticeable now. I'd say she has worst teeth by far amongst our friendship group. Sorry, I know that probably sounds really bitchy, but I am just trying to explain that her teeth are bad enough to think that people probably do notice them.

OP posts:
oncemorewithfeeling99 · 04/04/2020 19:23

I really cannot imagine why you think that would be kind or helpful. Confidence will serve her far better than cosmetic procedures because her 'friend' was horrible about her teeth!

Theholidayarmadillo4 · 04/04/2020 19:23

It's really not your business. I'm sure she can see her own sodding teeth.

SerfNTerf · 04/04/2020 19:24

She already knows, and pointing it out would be unkind.

I expect, like a lot of people, she can't afford to do anything about them. Any man put off by it is a prick and she's better off without anyway!

Poetryinaction · 04/04/2020 19:24

She will know and pointing it out will destroy her confidence. To get it sorted properly will take years and £5000+. So don't point it out.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/04/2020 19:25

No don't.
Many people have over crowded teeth, mine are slightly goofy DP loves me anyway.
In fact I've been watching lots professional's speaking on TV lately. Top Consultant's, professors, mathematicians,all from Trinty UCD, minister for finance, all has what you would call bad teeth, none opted for the false American white pearls.
Online dating is shit been judged on a swipe, you not saying she is wearing the wrong skirt, you're advising her to have painful expensive dental work.