Do I tell her about her teeth?

[MrsNoah2020]

My very dear friend (mid-40s) recently ended a relationship after 5 years and is back on the dating scene. She's pretty clued up about online dating, but having a lot of knock backs after initial meet ups and has asked me if there is something she could do differently.

My honest opinion is that fixing her teeth would make a huge difference. Her dental hygiene is fine, but her teeth are very crowded and uneven, and also pretty stained. I have to be honest, if she was a man I was thinking of dating, they would put me right off. But I don't know whether to tell her. Yes, she has asked me and yes, we have a close enough relationship that I would tell her if an item of clothing didn't suit her, if she asked for my opinion. But teeth are so much more personal, And, of course I don't know for sure what is putting men off. Maybe she has just been unlucky and met a load of twunts.

To be clear, I am not considering saying, "Your teeth are awful, and probably putting men off". We have another friend who has had hers whitened and it looks really good, so I was thinking of saying, "How about having your teeth whitened to increase your confidence, like Sarah has?" and then hope the dentist suggests straightening too.

My friend is a lovely person, I hate that something so superficial as teeth are important but the reality is that, when you are first meeting someone, they are something you notice. On the other hand, I am worried that, if I say anything, even very tactfully, she will feel gutted that people have been judging her teeth all these years.

AIBU to think I should try, very tactfully, to tell her?

You could mention whitening something like “everyone is saying that whitening makes you look younger” and tell that you are considering this for yourself. So it’s more a conversation about what you could do with yourself rather then how to increase you dating chances.
My own teeth don’t look perfect, they are dark and not a perfect shape but actually they all were done long time ago and because of sensitivity and other issues I need to win a very big lottery to sort them out again. I wouldn’t like any comments about my teeth from neighbours or colleagues, I would consider it’s inappropriate, but I would be ok if it raises in a conversation with a close friend.

I actually think she probably does know she has not very nice teeth.

I don't think you should tell her, no.

It's not easily fixable and likely to make her feel really rubbish about herself.

Sorry, I meant “how to increase her dating chances”

FWIW .... I have just realised my user name on this thread.

I've had it a while. 😩

The hygienist removes stains and whites teeth. So it is not colour of her teeth just the overcrowding

Maybe stains is the wrong word, then? I mean her teeth have got gradually darker over the years, just like mine had before I got them whitened. I go to a hygienist every 6 months, but my teeth still looked much better after whitening.

I really dislike looking at a gobful of shrapnel but I’m sure she’s aware of it and if she hasn’t done anything about it thus far then I’m not sure your mentioning it is going to help.

I like your idea of mentioning getting yours done.

It is definitely possible that she doesn't realise how bad they are if it has happened gradually over the years. I knew my stomach had got a little 'softer' over the years, but it wasn't until I saw a pre-DC bikini pic that I realised how much my body had changed. When you see your reflection every day, you don't see the gradual changes.

I second going about it in a subtle way OP. If poss.

There are pros and cons, obvs it's nice to have a healthy looking smile but I'd advise against those samey Essex looking neon veneers that are becoming so common.

If she does want to change her teeth, keeping some character is so much more attractive imo.

I've both female and male friends and trust me those fake gnashers are off-putting, like too much obvious surgery. Too try-hard.

I am 99% sure she could afford to fix them. She earns more than 80K, has no dependents and has a nice car, several holidays a year etc. So I am confident that it's not a money issue, but I think that actually makes it worse in terms of the sensitivity of telling her, because she could have fixed them but hasn't.

She might have already investigated having her teeth straightened and found out that it's not that straightforward a job.
I went, as an adult, only to be told I'd need an operation before braces, so it wasn't really an option, it would have cost loads and plenty of time off work.
She has asked for your opinion though (are you sure she's asking about her appearance?), could you talk about watching 10 years younger in 10 days? They always get their teeth sorted amongst other things.

I’m sure she’s well aware of what her teeth look like. My teeth are not brilliant but I still get plenty of dates.

OP, I think you should mind your own business. I wouldn’t want to date someone who thinks my teeth should look perfect (or any other part of me), I am what I am.

I would leave this conversation with your friend for at least 12 months. The chances of dentistry returning to normal service in the next 2 years is minimal.
While Coronavirus is still about no dentist will be keen to do cosmetic dentistry. Costs for private dentistry are likely to double due to the increase in treatment times in order to fully decontaminate the surgery and clear the air of possible aerosols.

I don’t know why people are accusing you of being unkind if she specifically ASKED for feedback! It’s not like you’ve taken it upon yourself to give unsolicited comments- she asked you! It’s true- yellow crooked teeth are off putting. No one expects perfect teeth but teeth that look discoloured or dirty are a huge turn off. They just are.
I like the suggestion others have said about saying “I’m thinking of having my teeth done like Sarah/ how about we both try it!” Approach it like a confidence booster. You sound like a good friend. Good friends tell each other the truth when asked. They don’t just t

Ell you what you want to hear!

To be honest I really hate this kind of thing. She will know her teeth aren't great. And she most likely already lacks confidence because of it. I know you aren't intending to be unkind op but I really don't like people pointing out other people's physical imperfections.

really don't like people pointing out other people's physical imperfections

She’s not. Her friend specifically ASKED what could be putting men off- is everyone missing this part?! If the op just says nothing you’re perfect! Whilst she continues to get dumped after the first date that’s not being kind. You can tell the truth in a sensitive and kind manner. Middle ground does exist!

Can she afford the dental work though?

I know what you mean about the stains op. My teeth have got gradually darker over the years and they're not stained and I get them regularly cleaned by the hygienist. They've also moved around a bit, they used to be perfectly straight but now I have some overlapping teeth. They don't look that bad (I think) but I had booked a consultation for invasalign right before covid kicked off, and was going to get them whitened too.

I wouldn't say anything to her about the overcrowding as I'm sure she must be aware of that, but I think tactfully suggesting whitening by saying you're going to get yours done as you think your friends Sarah's look great. I think the colour will make a big difference to her, and I don't think any of this makes you a dick as some have implied. You sound like a nice friend to me.

Drop into conversation that you are thinking of having Invisalign .... both dh and I have recently completed treatment, Omg best thing we’ve done. An investment but so worth it

As others have probably mentioned, having them whitened is about £400, so if someone has money or prioritizes it, it's affordable. I don't do it as I like coffee too much and don't want to drink less, so it wouldn't last and probably isn't a good use of money for me.

I think most people can get away without getting their teeth straightened or whatever.

Sorry I mean: I know what you what you mean by her teeth looking stained but not actually being stained!*

Oh @Fruitsaladjelly glad to hear it worked well for you and your dh. I can't wait to get mine done. Did you get a metal retainer put in the back of your teeth? My dentist told me you have the option of getting a permanent metal retainer put in. She said it's very light, barely noticeable but stops future movement. I'm just a bit unsure about the idea of a permanent metal wire in my mouth! The cost for my top and bottom set plus whitening was about £4700, and they offer a 3 year zero interest finance scheme to pay it off. I haven't heard anyone say anything bad about it so far so really am excited.

Slightly off topic... something that has always perplexed me
Braces are free and have always been so why do ( British) people have crocked, goofy or crowed teeth? I had teeth removed and braces as a teenager, genuine question, ( other than cases of child neglect) why haven’t others ?

She knows, I've got awful teeth and I'm aware about it. She doesn't need someone pointing it out and making her feel worse