Do I tell her about her teeth?

[MrsNoah2020]

My very dear friend (mid-40s) recently ended a relationship after 5 years and is back on the dating scene. She's pretty clued up about online dating, but having a lot of knock backs after initial meet ups and has asked me if there is something she could do differently.

My honest opinion is that fixing her teeth would make a huge difference. Her dental hygiene is fine, but her teeth are very crowded and uneven, and also pretty stained. I have to be honest, if she was a man I was thinking of dating, they would put me right off. But I don't know whether to tell her. Yes, she has asked me and yes, we have a close enough relationship that I would tell her if an item of clothing didn't suit her, if she asked for my opinion. But teeth are so much more personal, And, of course I don't know for sure what is putting men off. Maybe she has just been unlucky and met a load of twunts.

To be clear, I am not considering saying, "Your teeth are awful, and probably putting men off". We have another friend who has had hers whitened and it looks really good, so I was thinking of saying, "How about having your teeth whitened to increase your confidence, like Sarah has?" and then hope the dentist suggests straightening too.

My friend is a lovely person, I hate that something so superficial as teeth are important but the reality is that, when you are first meeting someone, they are something you notice. On the other hand, I am worried that, if I say anything, even very tactfully, she will feel gutted that people have been judging her teeth all these years.

AIBU to think I should try, very tactfully, to tell her?

I have shit teeth, i notice that those with nice teeth are just as ignorant as those who havent had someone tell them they're teeth are shit.

It is noticed by others. There are payment options and the NHS dentists will deal with it if she has tenacity enough to keepm going at them.

@MrsNoah2020

YABVVVVU. As a number of posters have said, she will know her teeth are not great, and doesn't need you telling her.

It's like people pointing out someone is fat... or pointing out they have a wonky/bent nose (or a big nose,) like they don't fecking know!

People need to mind their own business.

UNLESS.......... this is a reverse.

I wonder if it is because I can't imagine any normal, rational person, thinking it's a good idea to tell someone their teeth are shit, and that's why they are getting no men fancying them.

Pretty cruel and nasty IMO.

Also, FYI, I know a woman who had quite an overbite (think Cilla Black, but with teeth even more 'forward.') She was born in 1959, and grew up in a time when there was very little done for peoples teeth.

She has been married 4 times, and had 4 kids, and in 40 years of knowing her, I have NEVER known her be without a man. 4 husbands and multiple boyfriends. She was also a nurse for 37 years, and ended up eventually becoming a Matron. Her overbite never stood in her way. And your friend's teeth most likely won't stand in hers.

And yes, it is absolutely correct that braces are NOT FREE if you are over 18. And they are effing EXPENSIVE!

It’s incredibly rude of you to point out a flaw in her appearance and suggest she get it fixed to help her find a man! Are you that perfect that you think you don’t have flaws yourself? YABFU

Jesus MN is weird at times. If you say to her "your teeth are pretty crap" she will either listen or decide OP is a cunt OR realise OP has noticed her shit teeth.

She will get over it

@Nofunkingworriesmate

Even the criteria for children has changed, braces for crooked teeth are not automatic now. My DD has a very over-crowded mouth and it isn't certain she will get funding.

I have very crooked teeth and they have affected my confidence hugely. I was just about to get braces fitted and the lockdown came.

Your friend will know she has crooked teeth. Maybe she doesn't know she can still get braces as an adult?

"I was once told never to comment on someone's appearance if they can't fix the problem in 10 minutes"

Dying my hair, buying a new mankini, not writing his name on my face all take about 11 minutes though?

Are you that perfect that you think you don’t have flaws yourself?

What the fuck does OPs appearance have to do with her asking what is appropriate to say?

Omg. You sound like a horrendous friend. My teeth are far from perfect....but it never stopped me getting a man. None of my friends would ever dream of mentioning it. Tbh....I think the best thing you could do is let your friend find decent friends.

I wouldn't say anything directly about her teeth. But you could suggest she think if things to boost her confidence about herself, such as eyebrows, spray tan, contact lenses, etc. Perhaps you could ask her what would make her feel better.

It's a weird one really isn't it. I may sound superficial now (so shoot me!) but now and again I'll look at a person and think something like 'why doesn't he/she get that big mole removed from his/her face, it's so off putting' or 'why doesn't he/she get a brace put on to sort out that overbite? They'd be so much more attractive with straight teeth'. I know it sounds bitchy but I'm just being honest. At the end of the day it's not for me to judge, they may be happy with the way they look and that's just fine. Has your friend ever mentioned anything at all about disliking her teeth? If not I'd leave it if I were you, you may really upset and insult her and you don't want that on your conscience do you?

I wonder if it is because I can't imagine any normal, rational person, thinking it's a good idea to tell someone their teeth are shit, and that's why they are getting no men fancying them.

So the bit in my OP when I very specifically explained that I was not going to do that, has passed you by then?

I know this is AIBU, but getting all outraged and accusing me of the precise thing I have said I am not going to do makes you look a bit dim.

Braces are free and have always been so why do ( British) people have crocked, goofy or crowed teeth? I had teeth removed and braces as a teenager, genuine question, ( other than cases of child neglect) why haven’t others ?

I had braces as a teenager. My teeth were straightened pretty well, although not perfectly (free NHS othodontistry focuses on correcting your bite rather than cosmetic perfection). However, back when I had it done I was given a retainer and told to wear it for 6 months at night, which I did.

Since being pregnant, my teeth have moved and are now really uneven again. I have been to see several cosmetic dentists/orthodontists and was told that after you've had your teeth straightened, you need to wear a retainer permanently. Apparently this advice was not always given in the 80s/90s and they meet many people like me who had their teeth straightened as teens but whose teeth have moved back.

It would cost me a minimum of £4000 to get my teeth fixed. I could afford it if I used savings but I feel I can't justify such a sum of money on my appearance when there might be more important things that the money will buy for my DC down the line.

DollyDaydream did it not occur to you that people might not be able to afford the treatment?

I wouldn't say anything, I think building her confidence up will help make her much more attractive to potential partners than whiter teeth could.

@DippyAvocado Fair point!

If she wanted your opinion on her teeth, I imagine she would ask you. She can see them, either they bother you much more than they bother her, or she can’t afford treatment, or they are actually not all that bad . I don’t mind wonky teeth, sometimes they add individuality. If she goes to the dentist regularly then she will have had a clean and polish and stains removed. Are you sure they are stained and don’t have tetracycline marking ? I have this on the inside of my back teeth, it is not bleachable, it is part of the enamel.

I thinkI am in denial about slot of things. I wish l y friends were more honest frankly. Like we were in our 20’s. Why are we uptight now.

Teeth-straightening is way more expensive than I would have anticipated. When I looked into it I assumed it would be around £1500 but it was much more than that, even for the cheaper options.

Do you know how expensive it is to get your teeth fixed? I have very minor issue with my teeth which I want to get fixed with Invisalign and the cheapest price is £2900.

The friend asked if there was something she could DO DIFFERENTLY not change about her personal appearance. Massive difference.

To be honest I wouldn’t make that assumption. I dislike the appearance of whitened teeth, regular hygienist appointments should be enough but I’d take mildly stained teeth over whitened teeth any day. I also find minor crowding downright unnoticeable. Major crowding doesn’t put me off but I understand that it can be uncomfortable (I’ve had major orthodontist work myself as a result of major crowding).

Going against the grain from what I've read.

I don't have good teeth- they are a little crowded but have invested in whitening. I haven't taken the plunge with straightening as was told I'd need extractions to create space. And...close friends have said my teeth aren't that bad when I have mentioned possible treatment.

I think your friend may be aware of her teeth BUT she may not appreciate they are a potential issue re. dating. It's all about perspective- her 'slightly overlapping' may be someone else's 'really awful'.

If she is asking you, I think it's only kind to say she might want to invest in some kind of improvement on her teeth.

@MrsNoah2020 it might be worth mentioning to your friend a TV series currently on called 10 Year's Younger (Channel 5 - 9pm on Thursdays).

Amongest issues such as good dressing and hair styling, it also focuses a lot of attention on people's teeth, showing teeth before and after improvement and the difference is truely staggering.

If nothing else, I am sure it would give her a lot of food for thought.

That's a great idea, @MaeveDidIt. Haven't watched that show for ages, but it's the sort of thing Friend & I would stick on while having a glass of wine (pre-lockdown, obvs). So could easily engineer us watching it together.

I'd never speak to you again if you were my 'friend'

I'm sure she's well aware what her teeth look like.