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Original poster

Do I tell her about her teeth?

247 replies

MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 19:09

My very dear friend (mid-40s) recently ended a relationship after 5 years and is back on the dating scene. She's pretty clued up about online dating, but having a lot of knock backs after initial meet ups and has asked me if there is something she could do differently.

My honest opinion is that fixing her teeth would make a huge difference. Her dental hygiene is fine, but her teeth are very crowded and uneven, and also pretty stained. I have to be honest, if she was a man I was thinking of dating, they would put me right off. But I don't know whether to tell her. Yes, she has asked me and yes, we have a close enough relationship that I would tell her if an item of clothing didn't suit her, if she asked for my opinion. But teeth are so much more personal, And, of course I don't know for sure what is putting men off. Maybe she has just been unlucky and met a load of twunts.

To be clear, I am not considering saying, "Your teeth are awful, and probably putting men off". We have another friend who has had hers whitened and it looks really good, so I was thinking of saying, "How about having your teeth whitened to increase your confidence, like Sarah has?" and then hope the dentist suggests straightening too.

My friend is a lovely person, I hate that something so superficial as teeth are important but the reality is that, when you are first meeting someone, they are something you notice. On the other hand, I am worried that, if I say anything, even very tactfully, she will feel gutted that people have been judging her teeth all these years.

AIBU to think I should try, very tactfully, to tell her?

OP posts:
titsbumfannythelot · 04/04/2020 19:25

Maybe she suspects her teeth are an issue and that's why she's asked you?

I don't think that I could say something if I were you. I'd need to be implicit and start commenting on people who have nice teeth.

Hannah021 · 04/04/2020 19:25

I could also say in another conversation
"i'm thinking of whitening my teeth, what do u think"... And start looking online together at prices, and see what she thinks... She might say oh i cant afford this, then u'd know its out of the question!

Ponoka7 · 04/04/2020 19:26

People talk about teeth as though they are affordable.

It's the one thing I know I'd get done if i had a lottery win. Could she afford to get hers done? If so, mention them, she's asking for feedback. She'll be just as miserable if she wants a partner and can't get one because of her teeth.

Goostacean · 04/04/2020 19:28

Mmm. I wonder if she knows but hasn’t prioritised getting them sorted? That’s kind of how I feel, and if I knew others thought the same that might give me the boost to actually get them sorted - which I’m certain would improve my confidence too.

I like your phrasing and mentioning your other friend.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/04/2020 19:28

I know your concerned though if you say it she might bite back and critic something you are sensitive about. Wink

triedandtestedteacher · 04/04/2020 19:30

I might say something like 'men are visual and dating is tough and competitive these days, I think half of them are looking for perfection, perfect hair and teeth and figures. Glad I'm not dating'
She needs to self assess. You can whiten your teeth fairly cheaply these days. I had a full makeover when I went back out there dating, boobs, hair extensions, teeth whitened, lost weight. I needed the confidence boost. Realise not everyone can afford these things but working on your body, skin, hair and teeth doesn't cost a fortune.

Original poster
MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 19:31

To be clear, she has specifically asked me if there is anything she could do differently, to improve dating success and, although she didn't specifically mention her teeth, she did include her appearance in that. I would not be bringing up her teeth out of nowhere, On the other hand, she hasn't specifically asked about her teeth.

In answer to the questions about money, yes she could afford to fix them. Not going to say her job, as it's quite unusual, but she earns in the same range as a doctor or solicitor.

I like the suggestions about me saying I'm thinking of getting my teeth whitened, to see what her reaction is. Think that could work really well.

OP posts:
HugoSpritz · 04/04/2020 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I8toys · 04/04/2020 19:32

She will know, want to fix it but the cost is an issue.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/04/2020 19:33

If she can afford it and they are obviously unsightly, then it sounds more like she has a dentist phobia.

RedRedScab · 04/04/2020 19:34

My teeth are crowded but I can't afford to have them straightened.

Luckily my friends are kind enough to not mention it.

They're perfect for filtering out shallow dickheads though.

Frankenheimer · 04/04/2020 19:37

I disagree with those who are saying that she already knows that her teeth look bad.

I'm sure she already knows they're overcrowded. But the discolouration is something that has probably happened really gradually over the last 20-25 years. People often can't "see" a gradual change like that. Look at the number of people who persist with hair/makeup/clothing choices which suited them 20 years ago.

But when someone meets you for the first time, they can see it all right.

Unfortunately discoloured teeth really can look dirty and unhealthy (even though they're not) and offputting. The overcrowding is not going to help the general impression.

Having teeth whitened won't necessarily be very expensive. Having them straightened probably will be. But the whitening alone would probably make a very significant difference.

Original poster
MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 19:37

it sounds more like she has a dentist phobia

Not as far as I know. She had her wisdom teeth out in the past and didn't mention any particular issues with that.

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 04/04/2020 19:37

Have you seen her profile for OLD? can you actually see her teeth in her pictures?
I'd be curious if she smiles showing her teeth or not because If she shows her teeth in pictures then they will be fully aware of what her teeth look like and it will be something else that's making it not work out for her.
Or is she using pictures where's she's much younger then what she actually is?
If she is a closed mouth smiler then it may well be her teeth but as PP have said she will be aware of it.

abitlostandalwayshungry · 04/04/2020 19:37

To be clear, she has specifically asked me if there is anything she could do differently, to improve dating success

how about you offer to think her dating experiences through with her, you will ask her lots of questions instead of offering solutions.
Like, how does she feel before a date, which part of her is she unsure of?

how does she feel during a date, confident? any moments she feels self conscious? which part of the date feels natural, when does it feel off?

maybe she ends up identifying her teeth as a problem in the process.

Maybe together you will unearth a different reason altogether

abitlostandalwayshungry · 04/04/2020 19:38

*rethink

MrEzraGoldberg · 04/04/2020 19:40

Is there anything she's doing (that you know of) to cause the staining? Does she drink a lot of tea, coffee, red wine? Depending on the cause, simply using a whitening toothpaste could help. Obviously it won't change her natural tooth colour, but could help to start shifting the stains.

CollaborativeBee · 04/04/2020 19:41

A friend did say something similar to me years ago. But she had been living in America for decades and I was a bit........... Shock

I'm still friends with her. It hurt. She didn't say it in the context of me having better luck with dating or anything, just my teeth could be better.

I've done a load of internet dating and I think when you click with somebody and it works, you over look teeth. So If you want to help her, remind her that she's auditioning them too, it's not all about whether or not she's attractive enough for them! does she like them ??

CollaborativeBee · 04/04/2020 19:43

If you have thin enamel, I don't think getting your teeth whitened is always an option

Mlou32 · 04/04/2020 19:43

Hmm you can't really say anything directly without offending her. The only thing I can think of is perhaps mentioning that you're thinking of getting some teeth whitening or other cosmetic dentistry done yourself, which might plant the seed in her head.

Mrsjayy · 04/04/2020 19:44

I assume she has a mirror in her house she can see her teeth say nothing to her . I have awful teeth i can't affords 100s of £s to get implants and whitening .

Wakeupsunshine · 04/04/2020 19:45

No don’t tell her. Like everyone says, she knows already. I’m sure other people have made the odd unkind comment over the years too.

bluebell94 · 04/04/2020 19:47

However you say jt, I would expect it to upset her as I know it would with me. If someone asked me for an opinion on their appearance I would lean more towards clothes/makeup etc, not cosmetic treatments like teeth straightening. I think it would be a huge confidence knock as it is not something that can be fixed quickly and she would likely be self conscious that someone else has pointed out an insecurity she may have already had. Teeth whitening is not for everyone either - I had mine done in a professional session once and it was awful, I got shooting pains and my teeth were very sensitive for a long time after. I've since got a home kit from my dentist but again not a quick fix.

OhCaptain · 04/04/2020 19:47

But if she has the money to fix them and hasn't done so then she musn't think they're that bad!

I can't think of a tactful way to say it, tbh.

I wonder why she' d leave them that bad if she has the money to fix them. Especially because you say she takes care of her appearance! Confused

izzywizzygood · 04/04/2020 19:47

Oh god, don't be cruel and don't say anything to her. Online dating is full of time wasters and likely nothing goes further for her because of that fact and not her teeth. If she's online dating then she could look like Cindy Crawford and still not get past one date. The men online are there because no one else wants them and they have no confidence. Let your friend preserve hers, please don't make a comment about her teeth. Or - first make an online dating profile and see for yourself how fickle it is. Your friend sounds lovely, and if so, she will find someone who doesn't care about her teeth.