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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I tell her about her teeth?

247 replies

MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 19:09

My very dear friend (mid-40s) recently ended a relationship after 5 years and is back on the dating scene. She's pretty clued up about online dating, but having a lot of knock backs after initial meet ups and has asked me if there is something she could do differently.

My honest opinion is that fixing her teeth would make a huge difference. Her dental hygiene is fine, but her teeth are very crowded and uneven, and also pretty stained. I have to be honest, if she was a man I was thinking of dating, they would put me right off. But I don't know whether to tell her. Yes, she has asked me and yes, we have a close enough relationship that I would tell her if an item of clothing didn't suit her, if she asked for my opinion. But teeth are so much more personal, And, of course I don't know for sure what is putting men off. Maybe she has just been unlucky and met a load of twunts.

To be clear, I am not considering saying, "Your teeth are awful, and probably putting men off". We have another friend who has had hers whitened and it looks really good, so I was thinking of saying, "How about having your teeth whitened to increase your confidence, like Sarah has?" and then hope the dentist suggests straightening too.

My friend is a lovely person, I hate that something so superficial as teeth are important but the reality is that, when you are first meeting someone, they are something you notice. On the other hand, I am worried that, if I say anything, even very tactfully, she will feel gutted that people have been judging her teeth all these years.

AIBU to think I should try, very tactfully, to tell her?

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 04/04/2020 19:47

She will know if her teeth are bad. Mine are awful and I would be really upset if someone made a point of it to me, I would then feel self conscious every time I met them.

TheWordmeister · 04/04/2020 19:48

No. I would think anyone with bad teeth is painfully aware of it as it's so noticeable.

longearedbat · 04/04/2020 19:48

I had my teeth professionally whitened a few years ago privately. It was done with the custom made moulds and whitening fluid. It was fine the first couple of times, but it got progressively more painful - teeth don't stay white and the treatment has to be repeated at intervals. Every nerve in my teeth was zinging for days after a treatment and I had to abandon it. I would rather have slightly yellow teeth than go through that pain again. I am just saying this, as that form of treatment doesn't work for everyone.
No, don't tell her about her teeth. She will know. I knew. I had someone comment on my teeth when I was a teenager and it gave me a lifelong complex. When I explained that to my best friend she said I was being silly and I was lovely as I was. I didn't for one minute believe her, but it did make me feel better. She was a true friend. I would have been mortified if she had agreed with me and said my teeth were shit!
I had to wait until I was a very mature adult until I could afford the private treatment. Turned out it was a waste of money. Now I am quite a bit older I am just grateful to have my own teeth, no matter what colour they are.

Namechangervaver · 04/04/2020 19:49

Any man put off by it is a prick and she's better off without anyway!

Hmmm. Not sure about that one 🤔

Postspecific · 04/04/2020 19:49

On balance, I probably wouldn’t. If she finds someone who really likes her they can probably over look her teeth.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/04/2020 19:51

If she recently had her wisdom teeth out does she see a dentist regularly. Did the dentist not advise her to book in with the hygienist.

Original poster
MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 19:52

Thanks to everyone who has given helpful feedback. I don't agree with people saying she has necessarily already noticed. I think the staining has built up gradually over the years. Also, I think what is considered normal has changed, as tooth whitening/straightening has become more common.

I am going with the suggestions that I tell her I'm thinking of having my own teeth whitened. I have in fact already done it in the past, but it was years ago and I don't think I've ever told her. In any case, I might be planning to get it done again, so it would still be plausible. I will wait a while, so she doesn't make any connection between me saying it and her asking about dating.

OP posts:
5sugarsPlease · 04/04/2020 19:53

I was once that girl with the bad teeth, I knew I had bad teeth, but I wasn't aware how bad.

my friend tactfully told me, she sort of implanted the idea of teeth and appeal to me, I then became obsessed with perfect teeth, sorted mine out, got them whitened, had composite veneers. I felt so attractive and the attention I got proved it. Met my husband a year later, ironically he's a dentist.

Original poster
MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 19:54

Did the dentist not advise her to book in with the hygienist.

As far as I know, there is nothing wrong with her dental hygiene - the problems are purely cosmetic. She certainly doesn't have bad breath and she has never mentioned any dental issues, as far as I can remember.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 19:55

@5sugarsPlease - interesting username for a dentist's wife Wink

How did your friend manage to tell you tactfully?

OP posts:
TheWordmeister · 04/04/2020 19:56

It wasn't uncomfortable for me.

I had my teeth whitened last year. £550 for trays and syringes plus one session in dentist's with a stronger solution.

Never had a moments discomfort and my teeth are still fabulously white.

strawberry2017 · 04/04/2020 19:58

How are your Teeth in terms of been straight OP? Could you bring up you were looking in to having adult braces, open the doors of communication that way?

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 04/04/2020 19:58

Does she have money?

I have really sensitive teeth myself and bkeaching them would cause me no end of pain, so I never would. Maybe she is the same?

Maybe she’ll meet a man with equally uneven teeth? Grin

Mummy0ftwo12 · 04/04/2020 19:59

This is the wrong section for this - it should be in style and beauty :-)
I would totally ask her to try colgate whitestrips with you
then perhaps have a chat about invisilign - or however you spell that
and if its good enough for Kate folks...

She may want to improve her teeth but have no clue how to or how to do it at a reasonable cost.

allinit2gether · 04/04/2020 20:00

Of course you tell her. You don't need to be mean about it but she may have discussed straightening years ago and not realise there are so many more options now. Loads of 40's something's in my (relatively affluent) social circular have Invisalign now. And whitening is common place.

I would be very matter of fact about it in another conversation. "Have you ever thought of getting your teeth straightened"? I wouldn't be offended if someone said that at to me (although my teeth are straight).

No rush of course - she won't be able to get it done at the moment so pick your moment!!!

maddiemookins16mum · 04/04/2020 20:00

She’ll know Op.

lokoho · 04/04/2020 20:00

I have utterly shit teeth. I am well aware. I can't afford to fix them. I'm pretty sure it's lost me jobs. Anyone that points out to me how shit my teeth are is quite frankly a massive shithead and they can do one.

Luckily few people have ever mentioned it. In turn I don't bring up people's weight or wonky noses or any of the other things we can all plainly see. Because there's no reason to do it. We all have mirrors.

LilacTree1 · 04/04/2020 20:03

“ Never had a moments discomfort and my teeth are still fabulously white.”

You know we’re all picturing Ross in Friends now?

OP, don’t say anything. She knows what her teeth look like.

IndieTara · 04/04/2020 20:05

I think if your friend had wanted to fix her teeth she probably would have done, not everybody worries about things like that.

Unfortunately I've been OLD for a few years and the amount of men I've met with bad teeth is awful. For me it's the most offputting thing, my best friend couldn't care less about a date's teeth

EmeraldShamrock · 04/04/2020 20:05

The hygienist removes stains and whites teeth. So it is not colour of her teeth just the overcrowding.
I don't think I could say it to her OP. If money is not an issue, she is a high earner with a good career and hasn't done them I don't know what you can do.
If I could afford it I'd definitely get implants I'd skip the brace replace the lot. 😂

ViciousJackdaw · 04/04/2020 20:06

She'll know, just like I did. I have no idea if she's ever tried these things but the odd brushing with bicarb or charcoal powder helps me keep stains at bay. Drop it into conversation, say 'I've not been able to get my usual toothpaste, you know what the shops are like so I used bicarb and it works a treat, honestly, give it a try if you have some..'

Original poster
MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 20:07

Anyone that points out to me how shit my teeth are is quite frankly a massive shithead and they can do one

Just a reminder that she has specifically asked me if there is anything she should/could change about her appearance. I am not randomly negging her.

OP posts:
Readysetcake · 04/04/2020 20:07

Mine are crooked at the front. I hate them and I’m well aware of them as I look in the mirror and at photos of myself. I’m not blind. I’d be devastated if someone, even a close friend said I should sort them out. I wish I had the money to do it but I don’t. It would be around 3-4K. I’ve looked into it.

But I still managed to fall in love, get married and start a family. All with my horrible teeth. The right man for her won’t care about her teeth.

quarantinevibes · 04/04/2020 20:08

I’m pretty sure she will know her teeth aren’t very aesthetically pleasing. It’s a huge amount of money to fix teeth or I would have sorted mine out. Perhaps she can’t afford/ doesn’t want to spend that much or it isn’t something she wants to “fix”.
I must add you don’t sound bitchy at all, just concerned for your friend.

Raffathebear · 04/04/2020 20:08

Op you are right but i bet you she knows, say nothing if she asks say yes its a good idea but please dont volunteer it. Lots of men dont care about teeth or have bad teeth.