Do I tell her about her teeth?

[MrsNoah2020]

My very dear friend (mid-40s) recently ended a relationship after 5 years and is back on the dating scene. She's pretty clued up about online dating, but having a lot of knock backs after initial meet ups and has asked me if there is something she could do differently.

My honest opinion is that fixing her teeth would make a huge difference. Her dental hygiene is fine, but her teeth are very crowded and uneven, and also pretty stained. I have to be honest, if she was a man I was thinking of dating, they would put me right off. But I don't know whether to tell her. Yes, she has asked me and yes, we have a close enough relationship that I would tell her if an item of clothing didn't suit her, if she asked for my opinion. But teeth are so much more personal, And, of course I don't know for sure what is putting men off. Maybe she has just been unlucky and met a load of twunts.

To be clear, I am not considering saying, "Your teeth are awful, and probably putting men off". We have another friend who has had hers whitened and it looks really good, so I was thinking of saying, "How about having your teeth whitened to increase your confidence, like Sarah has?" and then hope the dentist suggests straightening too.

My friend is a lovely person, I hate that something so superficial as teeth are important but the reality is that, when you are first meeting someone, they are something you notice. On the other hand, I am worried that, if I say anything, even very tactfully, she will feel gutted that people have been judging her teeth all these years.

AIBU to think I should try, very tactfully, to tell her?

You could mention that whiter teeth make us look younger and it might be a good thing to try - you’re thinking of doing it too and does she think you’d look better?

Very gentle introduction to the idea.

I know taking tetracycline (as a child, I think, but I’m not sure) can cause yellow / brown staining that whitening can’t get rid of as my ex’s mum mentioned wanting whiter teeth but it not being something that would work. So it’s possible she’s considered it but ruled it out...

Maybe ask her to think of her preferences in potential partners, physically and personality wise. Maybe suggest making a list and when it comes to the physical list then you suggest the questions “any preferences for eye colour, eyebrows shaped or not, hair, teeth white/not bothered about discolouration or shape etc and see if you could suggest she consider how a potential partner may view the same of herself? You could suggest that if she is dating through an app then first impressions and physical appearance may be more important to focus on?

I had stained teeth--I couldn't afford to go to the hygenist as well as the dentist, and the dentist would only take off the worst of the tartare, leaving my teeth still stained especially by the gum...
I have always used an electric toothbrush but when it broke a few months ago I found a Sonic toothbrush on Amazon for £20.
Its the most amazing piece of kit-my teeth are now cleaner, smoother and whiter than they have in years,
I am using a good whitening toothpaste and have learned to clean one or two teeth at a time, slowly and using the built-in timer.
My teeth are not bright white--but all the stains from red wine, coffee and the odd fag are all gone now.

I was so impressed with it I bought one for my husband.
I think you could maybe treat her to a sonic toothbrush and tell they are really good, ... She asked for your opinion, you can tell her honestly but nicely.. BTW some of the more expensive ones are around £200 .there are loads for around £20 . Plus they only need charging about every 5 weeks..best investment I have ever made..

I agree with those suggesting you say you’re thinking of having your teeth whitened or straightened, to start her thinking about it. Sadly, appearance does matter when you’re dating. I’m glad she has a good friend in you.

YABU

On the scale of things men care about in women, teeth rank pretty low. Below her figure, her skin, her hair and of course her personality. Whatever the reason she keeps getting knocked back its probably not her teeth.

Tell her you are thinking about going to do it and ask if she wants to go with you and get it done too. You can tell her you need a "teeth whitening buddy" 😄

It doesnt neccesairily have to do with her teeth. I care about nice teeth but dated a guy with horrible crooked yellow teeth because he was very lovely as a person.
Close friend of mine is a dentist and obsessed with teeth. She wouldnt.

Don't tell your friend, everyone has different dating standards.

Does she have the money to fix them? If so, I would definitely say something. In fact, I did this. I had a younger colleague who was beautiful, but her teeth were all overlapping and stained. We had a similar conversation where she asked if she needed to lose weight and I delicately suggested she should fix her teeth instead.

She got them bleached then had an invisible brace put on. I think it was about a year later she got the brace off and her teeth were perfect.

Honestly, though I've seen someone on here say bad teeth are not iff putting, for the vast majority of people they absolutely are, I would certainly notice and be put off. I know it's superficial but dating is superficial.

I think the way you plan to mention it is kind enough that if you also threw in a couple of other suggestions like idk, checking her skin undertones to get a more flattering makeup look, it should be fine.

She has asked and it is a big deal for most people tbh.

OP, I did have problem teeth and I'd never mentioned my feelings about them to anyone. Ever. But I was aware. Then my friend made a very fleeting comment one day about them and that was it. I didn't reply or react but it made me realize people could see what I saw. I got them fixed, had crowns done, never said anything to anyone, they took some getting used to but looked straight and white. I also have a severe dental phobia that I'd never told anyone as I didn't want to draw attention to my teeth.
The only comments I have had are asking if I've had my teeth whitened to which I say yes and the friend who originally did the fleeting comment has just, just as fleetingly that my teeth look lovely.
Your friend is probably aware, but embarrassed.

You sound like an amazing friend OP!
It's a tricky dilemma, but I think I'd not say anything unless she sought your opinion on her teeth directly.
In my opinion it's a little too risky to raise this topic without her initiating it herself.

On the scale of things men care about in women, teeth rank pretty low

How do you know this? Have you done a survey?

@SerenDippitty No one is talking about having Simon Cowell teeth!

It's a bit insulting when you assume everyone who has had teeth whitening looks like that!

My won teeth were always cream and as I got older they looked darker. (I don't drink coffee, tea or wine for other health reasons so it wasn't staining.)

My teeth now, after gentle whitening at the dentists (not Zoom) are still darker than many people who have naturally whiter teeth.

I really don't understand all this pussy footing around not telling this friend.

If she is a close friend, they ought to be able to be honest.
If it was BO would you be giving the same advice ( ie- say nothing.)?

My view is that she has asked so she ought to be told. It's unkind not to.

Online dating is vicious. There are always more sweets in the sweetshop.

If she was meetingmen through hobbies who knew her as a person and had seen her teeth and weren't bothered, that's one thing.

But when it's a 'blind date' (assuming they have not spoken through Skype, Facetime or whatever) it can be a case of "one look and I'm out."

I really would not be attracted to a man with horrible teeth. Overcrowding is one thing and that's relative, but overcrowded plus stained is not a good look.

As I say, it's more cruel not to say something. She might be a bit taken aback at first (but unlikely) but she'd get beyond that and appreciate the advice.

Omg do not tell her.

@beautifulteeth lol🤣
I think you sound like a lovely practical friend and purely from a numbers game it would increase her chances of finding happiness if a) she has them whitened and it will increase her confidence as a result. I'd purely mention the teeth whitening aspect as when she goes to the dentist (eventually) they will def push to get her invisalign braces. It will prob cost about £3500-£5000 to get them sorted. I used to work at a dentist. Good luck☘️🤞x

YABU

My mum has terrible teeth and about 10 years ago, maybe more, got a quote about getting them fixed and it was over £5000. It's not like you're suggesting she gets a haircut, it's probably something she can't really do anything about and will just make her far more self conscious. My mum now has a partner who obviously is not that bothered about teeth, I'm sure your friend will at some point find the same.

Absolutely not. Hurt her feelings for something she is probably already aware of? No way you should do that. Be a good friend and just be supportive

Strangely, even though my teeth are not perfect (had braces as a child, my teeth now look like Anna Paquin’s including the gap but less white) but I still get people telling me I have a lovely smile.

She's asked. Tell her the truth.

They probably didn't impact on the success of her dating ability when she was younger but they might well do now.

She most likely knows her teeth aren’t great but most of us can’t afford to get our teeth done if not perfect. It can cost thousands. You could really knock her confidence by telling her.

My teeth aren’t great. My top ones are actually alright and very straight but my bottom ones are crooked and lightly stained! If someone mentioned it I’d be devastated.

Sorry I can’t help OP

But I am laughing and agreeing with you so much.
Do you think you need to post once. Maybe twice more about how your friends ASKED for your advice and you haven’t just randomly decided to do this 😂

Do you think you need to post once. Maybe twice more about how your friends ASKED for your advice and you haven’t just randomly decided to do this

If only I had thought to mention that fact in my OP

Braces are free and have always been so why do ( British) people have crocked, goofy or crowed teeth? I had teeth removed and braces as a teenager, genuine question, ( other than cases of child neglect) why haven’t others?

My mother's side of the family have small jaws = overcrowding. Despite having teeth out and braces for years my younger sister's teeth are still poor to look at. Exacerbated by cracking the bottom edge off the middle of her front ones. She doesn't care at all and has had no trouble dating. I think I'm lucky to have inherited my father's jaw.

Braces are not free everywhere and certainly in thr UK are reserved for extreme cases in teens.

Could you say, "Sarah's teeth look amazing don't they it's made such a difference to her confidence I'm thinking of getting mine done too!"

That might make her say, do you think I should get mine done and you can say, Oh I think judging by Sarah it'll be great.

Or something like that

Nobody is dissing your appearance, SerenDippitty . I'm sure you look lovely.

But there may be other people who aren't lucky enough to be as naturally attractive as you, and they might need a little bit of help.