Do I tell her about her teeth?

[MrsNoah2020]

My very dear friend (mid-40s) recently ended a relationship after 5 years and is back on the dating scene. She's pretty clued up about online dating, but having a lot of knock backs after initial meet ups and has asked me if there is something she could do differently.

My honest opinion is that fixing her teeth would make a huge difference. Her dental hygiene is fine, but her teeth are very crowded and uneven, and also pretty stained. I have to be honest, if she was a man I was thinking of dating, they would put me right off. But I don't know whether to tell her. Yes, she has asked me and yes, we have a close enough relationship that I would tell her if an item of clothing didn't suit her, if she asked for my opinion. But teeth are so much more personal, And, of course I don't know for sure what is putting men off. Maybe she has just been unlucky and met a load of twunts.

To be clear, I am not considering saying, "Your teeth are awful, and probably putting men off". We have another friend who has had hers whitened and it looks really good, so I was thinking of saying, "How about having your teeth whitened to increase your confidence, like Sarah has?" and then hope the dentist suggests straightening too.

My friend is a lovely person, I hate that something so superficial as teeth are important but the reality is that, when you are first meeting someone, they are something you notice. On the other hand, I am worried that, if I say anything, even very tactfully, she will feel gutted that people have been judging her teeth all these years.

AIBU to think I should try, very tactfully, to tell her?

Braces are not free, they are rationed on the NHS to teens who have pronounced issues, e.g. an overjet of more than 8mm I think (you would have to check), and in our area the dentist uses the budget for the year and then stops so there are long waiting lists. That's why teeth are more of a social marker than ever.

Mine are terrible too, I keep wanting to buy one of those gum shield things but I am not working and a stay at home mum and see this as an essential but I will have to wait until I have some savings😄😄

Also any ideas for a hairy chin, electrolysis and shaving creams all crap, apart from laser treatment costing a fortune and unable to have this done either 😄💙

I think she doesn't necessarily 'know' - as OP says, her teeth were ok when younger as they wre whiter. You don't realy notice gradual change in colour yourself!
I woul suggest whitening (affordable and fast enough) bu not mention the straightening, as she does know that, I@m sure.

Sugarcherry-

What did you have done and how much did it cost?

I'm not reading the full 10 pages, so I am sorry if you have answered this, OP, but it depends on whether she can comfortably afford professional whitening.

If so, your original wording is perfect.

Overlapping teeth will probably look ok, or at least unremarkable, if they are clean looking and white, even she doesn't continue and get straightening.

Unfortunately online dating is superficial. The responses I am getting now, compared to when I was 3 dress sizes bigger is very noticeable indeed. Therefore if she wants to meet someone this way, it makes sense to make the best of herself physically.

If she cannot afford it, don't say anything. I wouldn't have thought whitening strips and those cheap devices online would work very effectively against bad staining and there is no point her wasting money and being disappointed.

Also, if you do mention it, wait until after lockdown so she can act. otherwise she might be feeling self conscious but having to wait which might make the feelings build up and affect your friendship.

You sound lovely though.

@WitchesGlove
I had crowns on all my top teeth. No other choice, they were a mess. Bottom teeth had a good clean and whitened.
I lived in the Middle East then so prices are different but I had them done with a great American trained dentist who specialized in cosmetic dentistry. Maybe £5 to 7k. But I honestly can't really remember. Definitely worth it though.

Can your mate Sarah not send out a message asking you and single friend if either of you would like to go with her and make a day of it when lockdowns over.
Then maybe she has the chance to go without being told her teeth are bad

Tough one. If I were her, I would want to know and wouldn't get offended when you told me. Lots of posters are saying they would be offended though. Probably not worth risking it by being too frank about it. Could you ask her questions instead so she phrases it out herself? (E.g. is there something about yourself that would make you feel happier or more confident? Etc)

I think your original approach re: other friend is the way to go.

Just tell her you love her the way she is so it's too hard a question to answer and what does SHE want to improve.

Out on a limb here, but I think you should tell her. She is accustomed to the sight of her teeth and does not realize the effect they have on others. She has asked what she could do differently. Mention it.

My guess is if she has made it all the way to the age she is now and hasn't fixed them and money isn't an issue then she isn't bothered .

I agree with MakingMammaries presumably the staining has been a slow process and she has become accustomed to it.

Obviously it is superficial but yes, I would be put off by badly discoloured teeth in OLD. First impressions are all you really have to go on, both in the photos then on your first date.

*Nobody is dissing your appearance, SerenDippitty . I'm sure you look lovely.

But there may be other people who aren't lucky enough to be as naturally attractive as you, and they might need a little bit of help.*

I wasn’t suggesting anyone was dissing my appearance. My point was really that it’s all subjective. Some people might find my teeth unsightly - my two front teeth are much bigger than the ones next to them because I had to have the original teeth on either side of the front ones taken out to make room for a brace. Without seeing a photo we can’t
know how bad the OP’s friend’s teeth really are, with respect to the OP she might think they are worse than somebody else would.

Braces are not free, they are rationed on the NHS to teens who have pronounced issues, e.g. an overjet of more than 8mm I think Yes same her in Ireland. My Niece had a huge gap in her front teeth, overlapping on the bottom. She had to go private. I think it is something you expect to pay for as a parent of teenagers these days.

Unless she has the wads to fix her teeth I wouldn’t say anything. You won’t be informing her of anything she doesn’t already know.
May be a few months on her own will do her some good. It’s not compulsory to have a bloke permanently hanging off your arm.

Are you going to pay for it?

If she has staining that had been building up for years then a visit to the hygienist will do wonders. I stained my teeth quite badly years back when I was addicted to drinking lift lemon tea. The hygienist got my teeth back to what they were. Teeth whitening doesn't last and it seems to make your teeth more sensitive the more you do it.

She has a mirror. This is no different than informing a fat person that they are fat or a person who maybe wouldnt be conventionally attractive that they are ugly. We can all see. If she is just out of a five year relationship then it didnt bother a man for five years.

RecycledBottle I think if it's said with love and in response to a request for advice then suggestions that someone addresses stained teeth or weight gain are not the same as telling someone they are not conventionally attractive as they can't change their face (without serious surgery anyway).

With time and effort, or a cost (which not everyone can afford but isn't huge compared to surgery) teeth staining and weight gain are usually reversible.

I can't speak about teeth staining particularly but a substantial weight gain certainly crept up on me. I knew my old dresses weren't fitting but didn't realise how much my appearance had changed, which for good or bad, made me less attractive to quite a lot of men.

It didn't change me as a person of course but it reduced the numbers of men on OLD who were keen.

No don't say anything, if it was me and a friend mentioned something so personal it would affect the friendship. Unless she has a lot of money she can't get them straightened etc anyway. As for staining she obviously knows they are stained so leave it up to her. If I'm honest I don't think it would change a lot anyway.

@greenyblueyes honestly, no amount of love will wipe away looking in the mirror and starting to project on ur flaws that u may not have realised how bad they are in other ppl's eyes.

Many of us know our flaws, but some see nothing beyond the flaws... Others fluctuate depending on a good or bad day...

Saying anything with love doesnt take away the impact of how we perceive our selves. Yes it may not upset me cuz u said it nicely... But when i look in the mirror that "said with love" will have little value