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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell her about her teeth?

247 replies

MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 19:09

My very dear friend (mid-40s) recently ended a relationship after 5 years and is back on the dating scene. She's pretty clued up about online dating, but having a lot of knock backs after initial meet ups and has asked me if there is something she could do differently.

My honest opinion is that fixing her teeth would make a huge difference. Her dental hygiene is fine, but her teeth are very crowded and uneven, and also pretty stained. I have to be honest, if she was a man I was thinking of dating, they would put me right off. But I don't know whether to tell her. Yes, she has asked me and yes, we have a close enough relationship that I would tell her if an item of clothing didn't suit her, if she asked for my opinion. But teeth are so much more personal, And, of course I don't know for sure what is putting men off. Maybe she has just been unlucky and met a load of twunts.

To be clear, I am not considering saying, "Your teeth are awful, and probably putting men off". We have another friend who has had hers whitened and it looks really good, so I was thinking of saying, "How about having your teeth whitened to increase your confidence, like Sarah has?" and then hope the dentist suggests straightening too.

My friend is a lovely person, I hate that something so superficial as teeth are important but the reality is that, when you are first meeting someone, they are something you notice. On the other hand, I am worried that, if I say anything, even very tactfully, she will feel gutted that people have been judging her teeth all these years.

AIBU to think I should try, very tactfully, to tell her?

OP posts:
Eckhart · 04/04/2020 20:44

Superficially unattractive people do just fine dating when they're not dating superficial people.

CSIblonde · 04/04/2020 20:51

Yes your tactful approach would be good. Teeth straightening is £500 deposit then £120 a month for 12 months at most Smile clinics. Then a retainer worn at night forever after. Wowcher has it on offer at less sometimes. An option where you have no retainer afterward but a permanent brace behind your teeth suited me better. Similar price.

Fruitsaladjelly · 04/04/2020 20:53

@TakeMeOn no we both wear the night time retainers to bed, just like the Invisalign trays but without the attachment bits. I really can’t say a bad thing about it, I just wished I’d done it years ago. DH is mid 50’s, it never too late. Plus you end the treatment with a whitening treatment, it takes years off you!

Original poster
MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 20:57

Braces are free and have always been so why do ( British) people have crocked, goofy or crowed teeth? I had teeth removed and braces as a teenager, genuine question, ( other than cases of child neglect) why haven’t others?

I have no idea why my friend didn't have braces as a child. I have met her parents a couple of times, her mum is a retired nurse- I can't imagine they wouldn't have got her dental care that she needed. My friend is quite strong-willed - maybe she just refused to wear braces?!

Also, I don't remember her teeth being as bad when she was younger. I didn't know her massively well in our teens, but saw a lot of her in our 20s, so I think I would remember. Maybe her teeth have shifted, as a PP said had happened to her?

OP posts:
Leflic · 04/04/2020 20:58

I don’t get it. You discuss blokes and where you go wrong but don’t mention her fixable cosmetic flaw?
People like other people for all sorts of reasons but what is she looking for!? If she wants high end she’ll need to look the part if she wants the same. Does she?
Just tell her to get a teeth whitening. It’s run of the mill now. Let them bring up snaggly teeth.

DameLucy · 04/04/2020 20:58

Yes. I’d tell her. Definitely. Bless you you’re a good friend

Gwenhwyfar · 04/04/2020 20:59

"I'm sure she already knows they're overcrowded. But the discolouration is something that has probably happened really gradually over the last 20-25 years. People often can't "see" a gradual change like that. Look at the number of people who persist with hair/makeup/clothing choices which suited them 20 years ago."

I always make this argument when there's a thread about putting weight on, based on my own experience of putting weight on without really noticing it, but MNers always disagree and say everyone's always aware they've put weight on.

Purplequalitystreet · 04/04/2020 21:00

I was once told never to comment on someone's appearance if they can't fix the problem in 10 minutes. Seems a good philosophy to me

DonKeyshot · 04/04/2020 21:02

Crowded/crooked teeth may or may not be too costly to fix but they'll look infinitely better if they're not stained.

Suggest to your friend that you both treat yourself to a teeth whitening session after lockdown and look on Groupon for a deal.

Instatwat · 04/04/2020 21:11

She will know her teeth are awful. My teeth are awful, I am aware of it.

Yep, this. Mine are also awful. I look after other aspects of my appearance but I’m terrified of dentists after an awful experience when I was young. I clean them properly and have no pain or cavities but they are overcrowded and could probably do with a descale. I am fully aware of it and don’t need anyone to tell me.

Instatwat · 04/04/2020 21:12

Also, I had braces as a child but my wisdom teeth didn’t come through until I was about 22 and that’s when they became all uneven again.

Lollygaggles · 04/04/2020 21:17

I'm in the process of having my top teeth straightened. It was just over a year of treatment before I could have my brace put on. That cost thousands and thousands of pounds. Now the brace itself is costing thousands too. You can't just pop in and get it done.

MaeveDidIt · 04/04/2020 21:20

I think you sound like a lovely good and caring friend.

As hard as it is (and I'm sure you would be very kind and tactful), I think it would be really good to tell her BUT only if she can afford it.

It's possibly something she may have been pondering for a long while, but has never had the gumption or confidence to do anything about, and this could be the gentle push/reassurance she needs.

MaeveDidIt · 04/04/2020 21:22

Donkeyshot's idea is brilliant too.

TakeMeOn · 04/04/2020 21:23

@Nofunkingworriesmate

Braces are free and have always been so why do ( British) people have crocked, goofy or crowed teeth?

Braces are free for children. My dentist told me they will only do braces on the NHS for adults if the alignment of your teeth causes a phsyical problem. My teeth were perfectly straight until I turned about 28 when they started to shift. Now I'm 32 and they're still moving, but it's very gradual. I'm aware of it despite mine not looking very crooked, but it's such a gradual process I can imagine many people not realising that it's happening until it looks quite bad.

Also, adults with crooked teeth now may have worn braces as a child. While researching because of my own teeth (the movement of which is actually due to a genetic disorder), I read that it's not uncommon for adults who wore braces as a child, to find that their teeth start to shift when they're older. The teeth are returning to their "correct" position. So there may be adults with crooked teeth who did have braces as a child but their teeth have shifted. And then I'm sure there are also adults with crooked teeth that they've had since childhood, but their parents didn't take them to the dentist.

InescapableDeath · 04/04/2020 21:24

I’d be really hurt if someone said this to me. I don’t have the money or inclination for teeth straightening and my teeth stain easily despite not being a smoker. You wouldn’t tell someone with a large nose to get a nose job? Then let her be with the teeth she was born with. She’ll know what they’re like and has clearly decided to live with them.

Geepipe · 04/04/2020 21:28

I would be utterly wounded if my friend said that to me no matter how rich i was. When people ask about changing their appearance it usually means things like a hair cut or different clothes or make up, not having invasive procedures to perminantly alter their physical appearance :( ive dated quiet a lot of people with not great teeth. There seems to be more people with imperfect teeth than perfect ones so its maybe not that. And as i said upthread my best mate has what she calls "full on snaggletooth" and she always has men hitting on her.

DarkDarkNight · 04/04/2020 21:28

I would say no. She’s probably highly aware of her teeth. I don’t have the best teeth, I would love Invisalign or something and I am painfully aware my teeth aren’t the ideal.

If she has never mentioned them it’s because they genuinely don’t bother her or (more likely in my opinion) she’s incredibly self-conscious about them and would die inwardly if anyone broached the subject with her.

OhCaptain · 04/04/2020 21:31

Again! Hmm

Friend ASKED OP and as far as OP is aware, the work is affordable.

Now, I know we never really know what's going on with other people but I think implying OP is being mean is unfair.

She knows that there's an off-putting issue, and she's been asked specifically about off-putting issues!

That said, I don't know how you'd mention it @MrsNoah2020 without it being obvious!

I have an absolute phobia of bad teeth. I couldn't date someone with bad teeth so I do believe it could be legitimately in her way!

corythatwas · 04/04/2020 21:34

I must be moving in the wrong circles, but I don't seem to see any kind of correlation, in friends past and present, between crooked teeth and the ability to get laid (or indeed happily married). Lack of dental hygiene, yes, possibly, but not just uneven teeth.

zigaziga · 04/04/2020 21:36

I would definitely want to know. Presumably she wants an honest opinion and thinks you’ll be brave enough to tell her.

Also I got mine whitened a few years a go and it wade such a difference.

LadyMadderRose · 04/04/2020 21:38

I don't think crowded or crooked teeth are an issue - I know plenty of people with them who are very attractive. I have even upper teeth but very crowded lower ones - never been an issue. In fact I often find it an attractive feature in people, wayward teeth.

So I wouldn't mention that - also it's much harder to fix. If they are very yellow and/or look unhealthy (even though they're not) that's where she could make a bigger difference. How to broach it is hard but FWIW I wouldn't be upset if a friend told me this, if they were gentle - I'd be grateful.

nokidshere · 04/04/2020 21:41

Braces are free and have always been so why do ( British) people have crocked, goofy or crowed teeth?

Braces are not free if you are over 18 wherever did you get that idea? And even for children the wait is years. My 18yr old just had braces fitted and he had been on the waiting list since he was 14. (Thankfully free because he had been on the list so long)

As someone who had rubbish teeth, a fear of the dentist and no money to really do anything about it, I can tell you that she doesn't need telling, she already knows.

I had my teeth fixed 2 yrs ago at a private dentist who deals with phobic patients, they weren't as bad as the OPs friends sound and it cost me over 6k.

lilmishap · 04/04/2020 21:44

Some of what you've described can be sorted, staining and overcrowding are 'doable' within six months

Original poster
MrsNoah2020 · 04/04/2020 21:45

When people ask about changing their appearance it usually means things like a hair cut or different clothes or make up, not having invasive procedures to perminantly alter their physical appearance

That's exactly my worry. OTOH I also agree with PPs that she might be hinting that she wants me to mention the teeth. It's so hard to know.

I agree with all those saying that it's much safer to mention whitening than straightening , as everyone's teeth get darker with age, and also Sarah (other friend) having had hers done gives an excuse to bring it up.

OP posts:
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