To be sick of neighbours shopping

[TriangleBingoBongo]

Just that really. Neighbour is early 80’s and extremely nimble, me and my DH really feel for him. He has no family but plenty of friends and a usually active social life. Problem being all his friends are a similar age. He is shielding himself.

At the beginning of this whole thing we asked if he needed any help. He readily accepted and asked us to nip to the post office (for stuff that needed to go to the counter), post letters. I did some shopping. DH was going to ask a few more neighbours if they needed help but decided against it as we soon realised how time consuming it is.

He’s totally computer literate and fortunately I introduced him to a milk delivery service which he seems to be using.

Now we’re a bit further into this crisis, DH is still working, I’m at home with a one year old and trying to work in a job which requires a lot of attention to detail. My boss is fantastic and I’m picking my hours up in the evening. Also have a DSS who is here on DH’s days off and has extra needs so quite full on. So there’s no spare time.

I keep letting the neighbour know when we’re picking things up and including him in our shop. He added some items to our online shop but of course I can’t get anymore slots now.

We had a shop delivered Tuesday, I let him know I was going to the local supermarket Friday, he said he didn’t need anything but he would give me a list.

He’s now given me a list. I don’t want to go shopping again. He seemed disappointed I don’t have any online slot. There aren’t any online slots! I’ll have to take DS, DH is at work and I only went the day before last. I have underlying health conditions, as does DSS and we’re trying to avoid going out more than we need to.

I think the elderly don’t appreciate the gravity of the situation and think we’re immune rather than less at risk.

I agree with eckhart

He gave you the list the day after you went shopping, and said there was nothing urgent. Why would you feel he was asking you to make a special trip? I'd assume that by saying 'nothing urgent', he was telling you he's fine to wait until you next go shopping.

I dont get what the problem is just pick it up next time you go 🤷‍♀️

You missed an apostrophe in your title.

That’s the only thing I can be bothered to contribute to this stupid, whiny thread.

Unfortunately this isn’t working very well.
I’m in the at risk group and over 75 but can’t get recognition on ANY on line grocery site! Even the ones I have always used on a regular basis.

@SpokeTooSoon you did a great job of keeping MN informative and reader worthy with your sterling contribution. Well done.

@DC3dilemma

That sounds really tough. I’m sorry you’re going through this but thanks to your and OH for everything you’re doing.

The restrictions are difficult for a family of 3.5 (DSS not here all the time) with some bits for our neighbour. I imagine for you it’s hard to get your shop done.

If he’s computer literate then get him to apply for the shopping help through the government website. I’m sure places like tesco are prioritising their slots for people who are shielding!

Good luck trying to organise that. It isn't enough to be elderly you need additional vulnerabilities to get the food parcels/extra help. If he is fully fit and simply old he likely won't qualify (I've tried to organise this already for an 80+ and been turned down).

Good luck also signing up for a supermarket - a week a go none of them were taking new subscribers, maybe that has changed in the last day or two.

If one of his social activities is linked to his age they may be organising calls to see if people need shopping etc but this varies hugely by area.

And yes, making assumptions about "elderly" people on the behaviour of one person is ageist, how can it not be?

If you want to help him just say you will pick up stuff when you go out and tell him which days you are going shopping. If he misses the boat then not much you can do about it beyond pick up the items with the next shop.

I just dont get this at all. OP cocked up with days, neighbour gave list, nothing urgent.

Just do his shopping when you do yours. once a week. It really isn’t difficult to add a few more items to your trolley.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Our street have set up a Facebook group. We did it via notes through the doors. You could do this and share the load a bit. I do think it's unfair to assume he thinks you're immune.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill

^This

*That’s the only thing I can be bothered to contribute to this stupid, whiny thread.

@SpokeTooSoon*

You realise that just not replying to the thread is also an option right???

I feel quite anxious reading this. Because I hate to think of this old man going without because you're such a twat. Poor fella.

@Useryokyesno

Actually, nowhere have I mentioned this man going without and if that was my view I would have told him to eff off without a MN post. How you can imagine him doing without when his last food shop was Tuesday I don’t know.

The unhelpful of this thread have suggested I just tell him I’m unwilling to help. In which case he would go without.

The helpful contributors have signposted me to help available to him and given practical advice on managing boundaries so the arrangement works for both me and my neighbour.

I hope that alleviates any misplaced concern for my neighbour.

@doodleygirl I think think 'molehills' become 'mountain' very easily in these times. OP is obviously feeling the stress this morning as we all have at different times during these times. If you haven't you must be superhuman. Things have changed so quickly it is unbelievable - could anyone of forseen the amount our lives have changed. My moment came on Thursday when we had our shopping delivered finally, and DP stuffed everything into the fridge no looking at dates and touching everything that could be contaminated etc. Sounds ridiculous and completely out of character for me when I screamed at him: we'll catch CV because of him. We have to just take it steady one step at a time and breathe.

@Astressie

You’re right. I was quite relaxed initially but fine every few days I have a wobble. I suffered with post party anxiety and where I was on track I’m finding I’m lapsing. I’m terrified of the situation we all face.

Hope you’re having a better day.

I’m sorry people are calling you whiny etc. I know how hard it is with a small child. Remember mumsnet is not a reflection of real world, some people are often nastier here than they would be in the real world. I always try to see the poster as what I would say if it was a friend or family member so in your case I can see you offered help but you feel you’re going out of your way for extra trips. This is understandable why you’re frustrated. It’s a scary time! My advice is you explain nicely I’m only going shopping on day X so can I have your list on day before latest. If he give later then say sorry I’ll get it next week as I’ve gone shopping already.

I think some people just shouldn’t offer to help to be honest.

A crisis happens, people like you suddenly decide to ‘help’ for the hero factor but quickly get bored.

Ok so you’ve got a child, well so do a lot of us and we mange to step up and help others without moaning but then some of us helped long before this crisis.

I also have a chronic lung condition which four weeks ago I understood made me a slightly higher, but not high risk it now makes me high risk@P1nkHeartLovesCake but don’t let that stop your judgement of me.

I think you should just say that," you'll add it to your next shop. " Remind him a few days before you go, if he wants anything else adding to it.

When did the Coronavirus topic become a bear pit which rivals AIBU?

Far from OP being the one who should feel ashamed, the rude idiots banging away on their keyboards this morning should take a look at what vile things they're happy to say to a real person online.

And apart from anything else I wonder how many of them have genuinely offered anyone else any help?

OP.

I agree with pp that you should probably hide the thread now OP 'cos the dogs have their scent and it's just going to be unpleasant for you now.

How nice it is on MN right now

@SpokeTooSoon actually there's an apostrophe where there shouldn't be one - in 80s lol

*I feel quite anxious reading this. Because I hate to think of this old man going without because you're such a twat. Poor fella

@Useryokyesno*

Can you back this up with anything op has actually said? Or was it just said for dramatic effect?

She shops for him, he puts bits in her delivery, she asked him if he wanted anything on Thursday and he said "nothing urgent" then presented her with a list on Saturday.

I think it's fine for op to get the things from her list when she next shops (sounds like twice a week)

He doesn't sound like he's "going without" at all to me 🤷‍♂️ so perhaps save your "anxiety" for people you actually know?

@VenusTiger could you just make sure there’s nothing else I’ve missed before I forward it to my key stage 6 English teacher for marking?

I wonder how many of you bashing the OP have not offered any help to your own elderly neighbours. You'll say you have of course, but I wonder how many actually have...

The "poor bloke" some of you reduced him down to has been getting help - from his neighbour. People come here to vent sometimes when they are under stress - which is 100% healthier than those of you who wait to pounce on every thread and see if you can win the Arsehole of the Day award.

I was just making fun of Spoke's beady eye