Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of neighbours shopping

210 replies

TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 07:01

Just that really. Neighbour is early 80’s and extremely nimble, me and my DH really feel for him. He has no family but plenty of friends and a usually active social life. Problem being all his friends are a similar age. He is shielding himself.

At the beginning of this whole thing we asked if he needed any help. He readily accepted and asked us to nip to the post office (for stuff that needed to go to the counter), post letters. I did some shopping. DH was going to ask a few more neighbours if they needed help but decided against it as we soon realised how time consuming it is.

He’s totally computer literate and fortunately I introduced him to a milk delivery service which he seems to be using.

Now we’re a bit further into this crisis, DH is still working, I’m at home with a one year old and trying to work in a job which requires a lot of attention to detail. My boss is fantastic and I’m picking my hours up in the evening. Also have a DSS who is here on DH’s days off and has extra needs so quite full on. So there’s no spare time.

I keep letting the neighbour know when we’re picking things up and including him in our shop. He added some items to our online shop but of course I can’t get anymore slots now.

We had a shop delivered Tuesday, I let him know I was going to the local supermarket Friday, he said he didn’t need anything but he would give me a list.

He’s now given me a list. I don’t want to go shopping again. He seemed disappointed I don’t have any online slot. There aren’t any online slots! I’ll have to take DS, DH is at work and I only went the day before last. I have underlying health conditions, as does DSS and we’re trying to avoid going out more than we need to.

I think the elderly don’t appreciate the gravity of the situation and think we’re immune rather than less at risk.

OP posts:
NW2SW · 04/04/2020 08:45

Iceland are prioritising online shops too

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/04/2020 08:47

I raise you my 'D' Mil OP. Every bastard day, in fact the hairs on back of my neck go up now when l hear Dh's phone ring. She always wants one more thing.
Also has her other DC going round regularly.
So every time DH goes there he is indirectly exposing him and me to his BILs and Sils households as they're going round too. No dementia just very very demanding. I used get on well with her but really starting to feel resentful now and when l think of her now l imagine a fat chick with beak open sat on a nest constantly squawking to be fed. I have had a real go at DH a few times now that only one of you should be going to cut down cross household contamination and that one person shouldn't be going every day but nothing changes.

inappropriateraspberry · 04/04/2020 08:49

Has he said he's expecting the shopping immediately, or could he have just given you the list in readiness for when you go shopping next week? Maybe just make it clear to him that you will get his shopping then (Thurs for example) and to let you know if he needs anything else you will add it to the list.

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 08:49

@Bahhhhhumbug

That made me smile. He’s definitely not that bad. He’s a nice man and I think people have made good points about boundaries etc.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 04/04/2020 08:51

I don’t get it. You told him you’d be happy to help him. You asked if he wanted anything. You’re now pissed off that he wants something. Huh ¯\(ツ)/¯

Clymene · 04/04/2020 08:52

She told him she was going shopping and expected him to have his list ready there and then. He didn't, so has now given her a list.

The expectation that the OP dash immediately off to the shops to fill the list seems to be in her head.

And tbh if the OP's husband is out at work every day and there's another child regularly coming to their house, going shopping is not where she's likely to catch the virus.

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 08:54

@DropYourSword

You’ve done a great job of missing all the obvious reasons and evolving circumstances. Did you realise we’re now on lockdown? That I’m not at risk being asthmatic? Nurseries are closed, schools closed, most people are working from home with their children.

Four weeks ago those issues weren’t present.

Which part don’t you get?

OP posts:
Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 08:55

And tbh if the OP's husband is out at work every day and there's another child regularly coming to their house, going shopping is not where she's likely to catch the virus.

Agreed and that worries me too. But I have no control over those things so am doing my best to mitigate my risk where I do have control.

But also agreed-the expectations are largely my own.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 04/04/2020 08:55

I didn’t realise I wouldn’t be able to get a slot and would have to go in person.

Very true on this. We've got two Tesco slots left and after that it's going to be no chance.

Clymene · 04/04/2020 08:57

And I understand that. We're all trying to reduce risk. So just tell your neighbour that you're not going shopping until X and you'll do your best to get him what he's asked for then.

You could give him the number for Sainsbury's in the meantime - he might be able to get a slot and then perhaps he could pick up some things for you?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 04/04/2020 09:00

I think you are being far kinder than many people and I wonder how many on here having a go at you have been so thoughtful no many but great at spending their time attacking others for not being virtuous (waits for the many reasons why they can’t)

How you and your dh manage work and childcare is irrelevant

If you get his shopping you need to be very clear with instructions

Maybe look up volunteer groups in your area and give him the details. You have to look after yourself and family first

And remember few on here have probably been as thoughtful so ignore the nasty remarks

PickleBottomNo3sMum · 04/04/2020 09:01

He is in his 80s so far more at risk than you if he gets it and less likely to be ventilated. Just get his shopping when you get yours, tell him which days you’ll be shopping in advance, you shouldn’t be making separate trips. Suppose the elderly can be tricky to deal with, they sometimes can get confused.

Thank you for doing this, I know it’s hard...I had to go out yesterday for some tena lady for someone who lives in my road, I’m just glad she didn’t feel too embarrassed to me. We are already far more at risk as we have to go to the shops etc anyway, I’d rather have it than her (and I also have asthma).

bluewafflewithmayo · 04/04/2020 09:03

Look - you offered to help, and now he actually wants help you don’t want to give it. Just tell him he will have to ask someone else. It’s not hard.

LIZS · 04/04/2020 09:06

If your dh is still working and you going out then you are risking exposure anyway. You do need to establish boundaries though. You can get his shopping as and when you/dh next does yours. Maybe he does not realise your limitations. Milkman are delivering more than milk these days so he may get essentials from them. He could freeze any excess bread and milk as a buffer.

lotsofdogshere · 04/04/2020 09:11

As someone who fits the 'vulnerable' categories, can I say I've spent hours on the phone/laptop attempting to register with one of our local supermarkets for a delivery slot.
I had the text to say I'm vulnerable but the supermarkets all have messages on line saying eg. not taking any more registrations for on line shopping for two weeks.
Sainsbury's for example, is where we do our usual weekly shop. Mr I usually does the shop, so he has a nectar card and I've never bothered to register my own nectar card. I'm the 'vulnerable' person but Sainsbury on line wouldn't let me either register my card or as a vulnerable person.
We have done two of the early shops for vulnerable people, don't want to do that ever again. So many people it felt unsafe so far as distancing goes. We are managing with a local company so far but its range is limited.

I'm not isolated like the neighbour seems to be. I have what sap, face time with loved ones, grandchildren who keep in touch. I don't live alone. It must be desperate for an isolated 80 year old. We aren't asking our children to shop for us, they're a few miles away, isolating with small children, furloughed, self employed or working long hours in essential work. They've enough to do imo

Dia12 · 04/04/2020 09:14

Is such a long thread of discussion necessary? I would have thought it was a simple common sense case of just communicating your concerns with your neighbour OP?

user1353245678533567 · 04/04/2020 09:16

I can’t see how he has really done anything wrong or asked for anything you didn’t offer. He doesn’t deserve to be spoken about in this way on here. Poor bloke.

I agree.

peterlon1 · 04/04/2020 09:18

@TriangleBingoBongo if you and DSS have underlying health issues have to registered on government website?

lotsofdogshere · 04/04/2020 09:18

OP -may help to look at your local facebook page. Lots of areas have set up support groups to help people like your neighbour. We have a good one locally run by volunteers who would shop for him

tara66 · 04/04/2020 09:23

Haven't read all the posts but local councils can be contacted for volunteers. Ask him to look them up. I am getting messages from my council every day and from my MP once a week asking if I need help.

dontdisturbmenow · 04/04/2020 09:23

OP, it's ok to be more assertive. Why playing the victim? Just tell your neighbour how it is. Say you'll help him with doing the things you are doing for yourself, but you are not able to shop for him at other times.

Remind him kindly that this is a crisis time and that as long as he's got essentials, he is ok. Tell him you'll had the things from his list into your list and get them when you go shopping for your family.

Being assertive is not being unking. Repeat that mantra.

eaglejulesk · 04/04/2020 09:23

Don't take any notice of the posters on here who are being deliberately unpleasant OP. You need to tell your neighbour that you will be doing the shopping on whatever day it is that you go, tell him to have his list ready, and make it clear that if something is left off you won't be going again for another week. None of us should be popping off to the shops numerous times a week. It was kind of you to offer to help him.

peterlon1 · 04/04/2020 09:23

@lotsofdogshere you need to register on the Government website, on Sainsbury's website there is a link or just go you www.Gov.co.uk and search register as vulnerable covid 19 and it will take you to the page all you need is your NHS number and usual details. once that has been accepted and disseminated to Sainsbury's it will allow you yo register and shop.hope that helps

Soontobe60 · 04/04/2020 09:23

OP, I'd keep trying with the delivery slots, but select click and collect instead as these are easier to get. I managed to hook two Tesco click and collect slots this Monday, one for thursday, and the other for two weeks time. I just kept refreshing the page and they came up. They are releasing them every day. Sainsbury's are the same, but I think you have to already be registered.

I'd just email him back, explain you got muddled up with the days and are not able to go shopping now as you can't take the baby into the shops anymore. I'm sure he'll be ok with that,

Eckhart · 04/04/2020 09:25

He gave you the list the day after you went shopping, and said there was nothing urgent. Why would you feel he was asking you to make a special trip? I'd assume that by saying 'nothing urgent', he was telling you he's fine to wait until you next go shopping.

But if he's so nimble and capable, give him his list back and tell him you're not doing his shopping anymore because he's taking advantage of your offer, and taking the piss. Which is clearly what you feel. Not very nice, though, is it.