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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of neighbours shopping

210 replies

TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 07:01

Just that really. Neighbour is early 80’s and extremely nimble, me and my DH really feel for him. He has no family but plenty of friends and a usually active social life. Problem being all his friends are a similar age. He is shielding himself.

At the beginning of this whole thing we asked if he needed any help. He readily accepted and asked us to nip to the post office (for stuff that needed to go to the counter), post letters. I did some shopping. DH was going to ask a few more neighbours if they needed help but decided against it as we soon realised how time consuming it is.

He’s totally computer literate and fortunately I introduced him to a milk delivery service which he seems to be using.

Now we’re a bit further into this crisis, DH is still working, I’m at home with a one year old and trying to work in a job which requires a lot of attention to detail. My boss is fantastic and I’m picking my hours up in the evening. Also have a DSS who is here on DH’s days off and has extra needs so quite full on. So there’s no spare time.

I keep letting the neighbour know when we’re picking things up and including him in our shop. He added some items to our online shop but of course I can’t get anymore slots now.

We had a shop delivered Tuesday, I let him know I was going to the local supermarket Friday, he said he didn’t need anything but he would give me a list.

He’s now given me a list. I don’t want to go shopping again. He seemed disappointed I don’t have any online slot. There aren’t any online slots! I’ll have to take DS, DH is at work and I only went the day before last. I have underlying health conditions, as does DSS and we’re trying to avoid going out more than we need to.

I think the elderly don’t appreciate the gravity of the situation and think we’re immune rather than less at risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 09:27

@lotsofdogshere

I agree must be very isolating. DH has called for a welfare check and I have asked how he is when I’ve taken shopping. He said he’s enjoying his own company and is quite happy. I suspect he is still chatting to his friends, just can’t see them.

I appreciate there will be many who do not feel like that.

OP posts:
swishthecat · 04/04/2020 09:28

I think it must be so hard for the neighbour to be in this position, to have been independent all his life and suddenly has no control over the most basic things like food supply. Just be a bit patient with him. Let him know a few days in advance when you are next going to shop and make sure he gives you a list. If he is computer savvy, maybe find a few local businesses that deliver and give him the details so he can see if he can set something up himself.

As for the poster who said this about her MIL

when l think of her now l imagine a fat chick with beak open sat on a nest constantly squawking to be fed

You should be ashamed. Has it occurred to you that your MIL might be scared and worried?

lotsofdogshere · 04/04/2020 09:29

thanks peterlon1, I did that earlier in the week. Yesterday we had an automated phone call to say you have been accepted and go to sainsbury's to register, I did it, I was kicked out because "there's a problem with your nectar card". My husband did it because his nectar card is registered, he was rejected ".
We've contacted our GP and Sainsbury's - I suspect the GP may not yet have notified gov.uk of every patient. I'll phone my rheumtaology department on Monday because they prescribe the medication that challenges my immune system.
It's been a bit stressful but honestly, in the scale of things many are facing we are ok. We can still walk our dogs, we are well and both cook, garden etc and I expect we will eventually be registered and can have Sainsbury deliver for us
Keep safe everyone

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 09:29

@Eckhart

Whilst your interpretation of me is that Im very unkind, I can assure you don’t come across any better.

OP posts:
Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 09:30

@Soontobe60

Thanks, I’ve been checking each day. I’ve even checked in the night when I’m up with my little one!

OP posts:
plunkplunkfizz · 04/04/2020 09:31

I didn’t for a second suggest you’d only ever met one elderly person. However, your OP suggests you think the elderly generally don’t appreciate the situation and all or mostly share a single view about your level of immunity. Yet your OP only describes your experience with a single elderly gentleman. I asked, therefore, if your view was based on that alone or other, wider, experiences.

So really, it wasn’t a stupid question. Rather, you’re generalising widely and extrapolating a single experience to malign a whole swathe of the population, or you need to actually read the words I’ve written properly and take their ordinary meaning from them.

TLDR: I didn’t ask if you’d met other elderly people before in your life, I asked if you’d had other similar experiences to support the view about the elderly you were espousing.

penisbeakers · 04/04/2020 09:34

For fucks sake. Don't offer to help people if you don't actually want to do it. 🙄

HennyPenny4 · 04/04/2020 09:37

I don't think it's the elderly who don't grasp the situation - imv it is anyone who hasn't been to the shops recently.
You just have to man up and be 'unkind' and say sorry I'm only going once a week on a Whatday - he is NOT going to appreciate there is a 20 min queue to get in and stuff that's not available.
Or even reduce that to fortnightly - as the numbers of infected and dying in my area increase I am hoping seriously not to shop for weeks but I suspect the youngish housebound person I know will ask for things soon - they're very grateful but if I die of CV that won't make it worth it to my family.
Toughen up, what are you willing to do.

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 09:38

@plunkplunkfizz

My OP talks about a wider issue, with the one paragraph of 8 you’ve taken exception to being a relatively minor point. Presumably you have picked up on that and that alone to satisfy some sort of need you have yourself to appear superior. I hope you’re feeling smug and can continue with your day full off that warm fuzzy feeling being a smartarse gives.

OP posts:
Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 09:40

@penisbeakers

Great idea. I’ll tell him to fuck off. If he doesn’t manage to access any services in good time he can just starve. That will make me feel better and prove a point to you on this thread. I’ll report back with how long it took him to starve.

OP posts:
plunkplunkfizz · 04/04/2020 09:41

I hope it feels as good as you obviously do about superiority over the elderly because of an interaction with one single man. Your OP does talk about a wider issue by the way, they’re all about your neighbour, you or your family.

1forsorrow · 04/04/2020 09:44

Sorry haven't read the full thread but have you thought of contacting Sainsburys vulnerable people line and getting him added, I think he'd be in the 2nd tier of priority. I'm on it as shopping for DH in mid 70s and we are shielding, where I am I can get a delivery slot fairly easily now. You could then get him to add a few bits for you. Win win.

Louise91417 · 04/04/2020 09:45

I get were you are coming from with this...basically you offered to help and now your neighbour is ripping the ass out of it...just tell him you will get his essentials when doing your own shopping..you cant be going out and about for your neighbour when he fancies a few add ons..this would piss me right off...

pictish · 04/04/2020 09:47

Ffs at this slating you’re getting OP. I’d just leave the thread now if I were you. You can’t do right for doing wrong here.

PepePig · 04/04/2020 09:47

I think people are missing the point of the thread. Simply put, if someone is doing you a favour, you don't fuck about and then expect that person to go even more out of the way for you.

OP, you need to just establish rules here. Let him know what day you go shopping and what day/time you need the list by the day before. Explain that you can't be going out more than this because it's an unnecessary journey. If there's no list then he has to wait.

This isn't being harsh on the elderly. I'd feel the same regardless of who it was. But people need to stop babying the elderly like they're all a bunch of old coots who don't know anything. Most are as sharp as anything. Of course, those who don't understand need extra support, but that is what dedicated volunteer groups are for. OP doesn't deserve a railing over this.

Ariela · 04/04/2020 09:48

Go this evening half an hour before the shop shuts - I presume your DH can babysit. Often they'll have had a delivery in the afternoon - our local is fine at that time of day, shop is empty as all the FOMO people swamped it in the morning. Last week I nabbed a big bag of loo rolls for the 94 year old I shop for, she uses a lot and I even managed to get the quilted (she can't manage so well on thinner stuff) . In same boat as your neighbour, not entitled to help - the 94 year old is not online, has no overriding health issues (other than too old for knee and hip ops so is housebound on a normal day, goes in a wheelchair on a disabled bus or in someone's car on a blue badge normally.) and is perfectly capable of looking after herself with just paying for a cleaner/home help to manage the laundry. She couldn't go and supermarket shop at the moment, no way can she queue and go round a store on her own - needs to be near a loo if out longer than a couple of hours.

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 09:51

I’ve had some really helpful responses, which have allowed me a bit of perspective (and to establish what day it is Hmm) thanks
for those, they have been really helpful.

OP posts:
LIZS · 04/04/2020 09:53

I really hope the ladies supporting dm , who is in her 80s, do not feel like this. She has quite a restricted diet to , so not always straightforward. Fetch his list whenever is next convenient to you then tell him you can only do so once a week, with your online shop or whatever, and you will call for his list on xday.

autumnleaves15 · 04/04/2020 09:53

Don't offer him help then complain when he asks for help. Just that really.

Piglet89 · 04/04/2020 10:00

@PickleBottomNo3sMum

He is in his 80s so far more at risk than you if he gets it and less likely to be ventilated.

I wish people wouldn’t blithely make statements like this with such conviction, when the matter is patently not certain. We just do not know that this is so because (it seems to me) the research hasn’t got fully to grips with how the virus works and cannot yet answer why there are anomalies all over the place, for example young people with no underlying health conditions dying.

Matildathehun77 · 04/04/2020 10:06

Yes I see your issue if he's expecting you to run out and do extra shops, that becomes a burden if you're busy anyway.

Just tell him when your shopping days are and stick to it, so a list given on Saturday will get picked up on Tuesday, a list given Wednesday gets picked up Friday.

You can be helpful to somebody and still maintain the boundaries that you need.

Rhea1981 · 04/04/2020 10:11

I completely understand what you're saying op. You've offered to help out which is very kind of you. I can imagine trying to shop for someone else on top of everything else you have to do will be stressful. Just make sure you tell him in advance what day you'll be going shopping, he has his list ready for you and if he doesn't he waits till the following week when you go again. Don't feel pressure to go shopping again or take your child. They've made it clear young and healthy people are dying of this and there's no guarantee you'll get mild symptoms. Plus you have asthma so even more reason to not put yourself at increased risk by making multiple trips to the shops.

DC3dilemma · 04/04/2020 10:13

I think you are going to have to encourage him to access what is available to him. Nothing has been set up with much leeway to help others...

For us-
We’re a family of 5 but have the same limits on bread, total number of online shop items from Tesco etc as any single person...
We need to shop more frequently because of this, but seem to be only able to get one click and collect slot in 3-4 weeks...
We’re both NHS staff with 3 small children -the NHS priority slot allows us a quick shop before work, but no perishables as it then has to sit in the car all day, no time to shop after work...
Limits in store again mean this is a very frequent activity....
Not taking any of the 3 children with us to the shops is an extra hurdle...
When/if we are totally self isolating, it’s going to be really difficult.

Juggling new childcare arrangements, these limits on getting food, and greater demands at work, is just about all we can manage.

I have to say, I am really, really wishing I’d joined the stock pilers now. I may as well have given the looks I’ve had in the supermarket when I take more than one of any item. A 6 pack of yoghurt doesn’t last long when there’s 3 kids.

reasonswhyimdifferent · 04/04/2020 10:13

I do feel for you OP. It would be so easy to offer help without actually thinking through the fact that by doing that you’re essentially committing to helping for the whole of this situation we’re in that we don’t have an end date for.

RNBrie · 04/04/2020 10:14

I'm doing shopping for someone. I told her I do my weekly shop on Weds and need her list by Tuesday evening. Its working well so far. I've told her to let me know if she needs anything urgently because I'd be happy to do additional trips if necessary.

Her list is also extremely reasonable, with nice notes about not needing something if it's a restricted product and we need it too. Or if certain brands are out of stock, not to worry.

Some people really aren't good at planning but I'd just make it clear you go shopping on whatever days. Its fine to pop to the shops for you outside your schedule and NOT offer too.