To be sick of neighbours shopping

[TriangleBingoBongo]

Just that really. Neighbour is early 80’s and extremely nimble, me and my DH really feel for him. He has no family but plenty of friends and a usually active social life. Problem being all his friends are a similar age. He is shielding himself.

At the beginning of this whole thing we asked if he needed any help. He readily accepted and asked us to nip to the post office (for stuff that needed to go to the counter), post letters. I did some shopping. DH was going to ask a few more neighbours if they needed help but decided against it as we soon realised how time consuming it is.

He’s totally computer literate and fortunately I introduced him to a milk delivery service which he seems to be using.

Now we’re a bit further into this crisis, DH is still working, I’m at home with a one year old and trying to work in a job which requires a lot of attention to detail. My boss is fantastic and I’m picking my hours up in the evening. Also have a DSS who is here on DH’s days off and has extra needs so quite full on. So there’s no spare time.

I keep letting the neighbour know when we’re picking things up and including him in our shop. He added some items to our online shop but of course I can’t get anymore slots now.

We had a shop delivered Tuesday, I let him know I was going to the local supermarket Friday, he said he didn’t need anything but he would give me a list.

He’s now given me a list. I don’t want to go shopping again. He seemed disappointed I don’t have any online slot. There aren’t any online slots! I’ll have to take DS, DH is at work and I only went the day before last. I have underlying health conditions, as does DSS and we’re trying to avoid going out more than we need to.

I think the elderly don’t appreciate the gravity of the situation and think we’re immune rather than less at risk.

I also agree with KC - you just need to establish that boundary.
“I’ll get those items for you when I next go to the supermarket on xday.”
You certainly don’t need to make a special trip for his groceries.

Hi @bluewafflewithmayo

I’ll repeat my post above as I think it deals with your query.

I didn’t think it would be so difficult. At the time I didn’t know nursery would close or I’d be working from home with my son. When I volunteered I didn’t realise I’d need to queue outside the shop to get milk or that taking your child to the shop would be difficult. Also thought that only over 70’s were at risk but now the young and healthy are dying. I fancied my chances being ok as early 30’s and with well controlled asthma. I don’t feel so confident now.

Op. You just say "I am going shopping on x day, please send me a list if you NEED anything."

I am shopping for 2 and I very much tell them when I'm going

You shouldn't going unless you need to

Gosh I don't understand people on this thread. Why come on just to be scarstic/nasty. Whatever day it was. I think you just have been firm and clear OP. If you are doing a shop for yourself tell him that's the day/time your going as you need a list by then. Stay safe.

@Casino218

I would but my toddler isn’t in board.

I was hoping that the OP would have no previous posting history.

Unfortunately they appear to be genuinely complaining about helping an elderly neighbour.

If you don’t want to help, rather than taking to MN why not explain your situation to him?

For the current list, you offered and told him you were going friday. You made a mistake. Can your dh go today, get anything you need and tell him it’s too difficult for you to do it again? Other than this, can your dh shop every weekend?

If you / he wants online shopping, it’s simple, you / he need to make a massive effort (I get that’s hard for you) but he can and he will find slots. I have for someone else. Persistence and signing up to every online retailer taking new customers is key -I’ve had success with Iceland, Asda and Tesco but not with Morrison’s yet. I’ve got slots, which just appear in the day and just after midnight. Lots and lots and lots of checking.

*on

I understand what you mean OP. I'm shopping for my mum and having the same issues, I think she's doing it deliberately in the hope of getting more visits. I've said time and time again that we are shopping once a week and she needs to keep on top of her list but she'll say she doesn't need anything then asks a different family member for milk, then another one for eggs the following day. She's literally had someone there every day this week (we stay outside but she's able to chat through the window and has even taken to making cakes all the time which she puts outside wrapped in kitchen roll for when we arrive). She then complained on the group chat last night that she's lonely when I know plenty of others who are in the same boat minus the daily drop offs from family!

@Mummyoflittledragon

I didn’t make a mistake IRL, only on the thread. I called him to say I was going and did he need anything.

We had ran out of whole milk and I figured I’d try and kill two birds.

I agree that I probably just need to readjust my boundaries. He probably doesn’t expect it instantly either. So a lot of my issue will be my own interpretation.

Thanks everyone for helpful input.

Sounds like clearer communication is needed.

Can you ask him whether the list he has given you is urgent, or whether he can make do until the next time you are going out anyway?

Perhaps if most of it is not urgent, but one or two items are, then you can spare some of yours, or your husband could pop in on his way home from work.

If it’s all urgent, then maybe on this occasion, you can arrange to get it, either with your child, or at a time when your husband is home. Dpn’t know where you are, but where I live, the shops are much emptier in the evening by about 10, or in the morning at seven, so I try to go then.

But from now on, you need to be very clear with him which days you will be shopping, and that you can only buy his goods if he gives you a list at the correct time. If you are losing track of the days, use a calendar so you are absolutely clear.

Hope you can get this sorted out, Triangle. It’s a very difficult time for everyone and it’s a kind thing you’re doing.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your post, not do I see it as elderly bashing, I don't think he's being fair. I would gently explain circumstances have moved on and you will now be shopping once every ten days, with the next being xxxday.

And as pp suggested, get him to register online. Ocado and Sainsbury's are prioritising the elderly. Tesco and Asda are not, yet.

I asked on Friday. It’s now Sunday.

Haha!! Have I been asleep for 2 days? 😂

Well if it’s become a problem just tell him no. Or at least ask him for some help carrying your cross to the car.

We had a shop delivered Tuesday, I let him know I was going to the local supermarket Friday,

You went a day early OP!
He gave you a list for Friday!!

Read the thread people we've moved on from the 'what day is it' confusion.

No we've not!

Thanks @bluewafflewithmayo frankly I don’t care of the outsides perception of my deed. Like many of us I’m trying to keep my own family fed and keep my bloody job.

@Otherrooms
I let him know by phone (in real time) that I was visiting the shop that day. So whatever day it was (which I’ve since corrected as being Thursday) the confusion is only here on MN and not IRL.

Ok so no mistake. Maybe you should be getting your dh to shop anyway. If you’re wfh with a toddler, you’re getting the raw end of the deal. This plus your asthma would make me think your dh should be going to the supermarket.

You made an offer of help and should see it through this time. Get the shopping but let him know that you’ll be doing less visits to the supermarket so in future he’d need to wait until you need to go for yourself. It’s not about giving him more time to put the list together as suggested above. The extra time may still not suit you.

I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time OP, constantly nipping to the shops for others is stressful at the moment. I'm shopping for my parents and a neighbour, can't do it all in one weekly shop so I'm going twice a week, Thursdays and Mondays, they get plenty warning to get a list together in good time and I repeat that I won't be going again for a few days so to make sure their list is complete. Initially my parents were calling a couple of days later to say they'd ran out of milk/bread so I told them they'd have to either ration what they have or put more on their list for the next time as I'm not putting my own health at risk because they fancied big bowls of cereal, they've since realised that they can't carry on having whatever they fancy whenever they feel like it and we're all used to the new shopping regime now. Set a shopping schedule for when you dh is home so you can go alone and let your neighbour know when you'll be going.

I'd get him what he needs now then write a timetable of when you are going shopping.

Give him the timetable and tell him these are his days. Also give him a time and day you will be collecting the list.

OP how long have you been helping him for?

I don't why people are being difficult on this thread. It's ok to want to help someone but be a bit peeved when it becomes more of a burden than originally anticipated.

I think it all depends on personality types too. If someone went to the shop for me I'd go out if my way to make it as easy as possible for them and I'd feel incredibly appreciative and I'd let them know that.

I've helped to take food parcels to people (this is anonymous so not a stealth boast) and some of the people say a quick thanks and that's it.

You might be thinking well they've said thanks so what more do I want?

But what I mean is I'd be thanking them over and over and I'd send a message afterwards etc. My point is we are all different in our mannerisms and personalities.

Thanks @BlueGheko

As you’ve said it is stressful and the situation has evolved somewhat very quickly. So an adjustment of expectations is needed.

My own attitude has shifted from feeling pretty comfortable shopping to now finding it quite stressful.