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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of neighbours shopping

210 replies

TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 07:01

Just that really. Neighbour is early 80’s and extremely nimble, me and my DH really feel for him. He has no family but plenty of friends and a usually active social life. Problem being all his friends are a similar age. He is shielding himself.

At the beginning of this whole thing we asked if he needed any help. He readily accepted and asked us to nip to the post office (for stuff that needed to go to the counter), post letters. I did some shopping. DH was going to ask a few more neighbours if they needed help but decided against it as we soon realised how time consuming it is.

He’s totally computer literate and fortunately I introduced him to a milk delivery service which he seems to be using.

Now we’re a bit further into this crisis, DH is still working, I’m at home with a one year old and trying to work in a job which requires a lot of attention to detail. My boss is fantastic and I’m picking my hours up in the evening. Also have a DSS who is here on DH’s days off and has extra needs so quite full on. So there’s no spare time.

I keep letting the neighbour know when we’re picking things up and including him in our shop. He added some items to our online shop but of course I can’t get anymore slots now.

We had a shop delivered Tuesday, I let him know I was going to the local supermarket Friday, he said he didn’t need anything but he would give me a list.

He’s now given me a list. I don’t want to go shopping again. He seemed disappointed I don’t have any online slot. There aren’t any online slots! I’ll have to take DS, DH is at work and I only went the day before last. I have underlying health conditions, as does DSS and we’re trying to avoid going out more than we need to.

I think the elderly don’t appreciate the gravity of the situation and think we’re immune rather than less at risk.

OP posts:
ScissorsBike · 04/04/2020 07:20

I don't understand why you are doing the childcare instead of doing it 50/50 with your husband. Why on earth would you need to take you 1-year old to the supermarket? Either send your husband after work or go yourself and leave your 1-year old at home.

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 07:20

@Thetrollfairy

Thank you for a useful response. I will let him know.

OP posts:
Nanasueathome · 04/04/2020 07:20

I’m confused now
I thought it was Friday today...and you’re saying it’s Sunday

Kungfupanda67 · 04/04/2020 07:20

I’m confused because today is Saturday.... I think!

I would be annoyed too, I’d probably check he’s got enough food to get him through, just tell him when you’re next likely to shop. It’s very nice of you to offer to help, it’s difficult doing someone else’s shopping - if he hasn’t got enough food to get him through to next time you’re going, I would offer a corner shop shop for him, or if you’re going in a few days do you have enough to give him some of yours to tide him over?

Nanasueathome · 04/04/2020 07:21

Oh, can see you’ve amended the days now

Screamqueenz · 04/04/2020 07:21

So you're cross because you told him you were shopping on Friday. You mistakenly went shopping on Thursday and he gave you a list on Friday, but you thought is was Saturday?
Did you say your job requires attention to detail?

Nanasueathome · 04/04/2020 07:21

It’s Saturday......

stairgates · 04/04/2020 07:22

As pp above says, let him know you are doing the once a week thing and if he is desperate he can have a browse on Facebook for another helper.

roses2 · 04/04/2020 07:22

So he gave you a list the day after you said you were going shopping? In that case ask him to wait until you go next.

Pencilplantironingboard · 04/04/2020 07:22

This makes me so sad. We have all these vulnerable people relying on virtual strangers who resent them.
I really think you need to look at yourself.
Imagine being alone with no one. I can’t stand how awful this is on older people.

MsTSwift · 04/04/2020 07:22

I don’t get these threads. I have told elderly neighbours am happy to add stuff to my own shop. I give them notice of when I’m going. I WhatsApp when I go to post office to all the neighbours. If they miss their slot with me tough luck I don’t give it a second thought and certainly wouldn’t make a special trip

glassseagulls · 04/04/2020 07:23

You offered, he didn't ask.

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 07:23

@Inmyivorytower

Although I know that wasn’t meant with any kindness I agree.

I didn’t think it would be so difficult. At the time I didn’t know nursery would close or I’d be working from home with my son. When I volunteered I didn’t realise I’d need to queue outside the shop to get milk or that taking your child to the shop would be difficult. Also thought that only over 70’s were at risk but now the young and healthy are dying. I fancied my chances being ok as early 30’s and with well controlled asthma. I don’t feel so confident now.

Circumstances have changed quite drastically for us all very quickly. So is it really surprising that commitments that initially seemed easy are actually now quite difficult.

OP posts:
KC225 · 04/04/2020 07:25

It's not his fault that there were no more delivery slots. He is allowed to be disappointed but not ungrateful.

It's good that he is using the milk delivery service and a lot of them have or 'had' a good selection of other groceries, do remind him of that. As he is computer literate and 'sheilding' you may mention they get priority slots with some online retailers.

Don't feel that you have to jump into action everytime he waves a list. He may give you a list but you can say 'we aren't shopping now until XYZ'. You are doing a nice thing - don't let it stress you out.

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 07:25

@ScissorsBike

Sometimes that’s possible but husband works long shifts (he was out today at 530am) so with reduced opening hours it can be a struggle fitting it all in. Not impossible. But another difficultly into the mix.

OP posts:
Clymene · 04/04/2020 07:27

Just tell him you'll pick up his stuff next time he goes. Or perhaps be honest and tell him you can't be bothered

Greggers2017 · 04/04/2020 07:27

I'm having this problem with my Grandma but I think the problem is that they have had such a long time of being able to go to the shop whenever they want to, it is now taking some getting used to that they have to rely on others and shop less often.
My grandma often forgets things and doesn't remember until after I've been shopping. She's telling me things she needs every evening when I call her. Last night it was lemons for her gin and some washing up liquid as she had ran out.
All their independence has been taken away, it must be so frustrating for them. I've also introduced my grandma to online shopping but we can't get slots so we have no option but to go for her.

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 07:28

@Pencilplantironingboard

Yes it is sad.

But healthy, young people dying are also sad.

I’m terrified my little boy will grow up without a mum. I’m fit, healthy but also asthmatic and shopping is now making me anxious where it wasn’t a few weeks ago because I feel I’m taking a risk in doing so.

@KC225
Thank you. Thats helpful. I don’t necessarily need to jump to action as I have been feeling I ought to.

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 04/04/2020 07:29

Read the thread people we've moved on from the 'what day is it' confusion.

I agree OP some elderly people can take things for granted (like any of us at any age could).

We've done this for a neighbour too. I've explained we are happy to get shopping for him but it will be once every ten days when we get ours. I've asked them to ring their dr to get their prescription changed to our chemist so we can minimise unnecessary trips out.

They were very against this but I've explained that we won't be going to the community hospital where the dr is to get their prescription as there are so many covid cases. So they will just have to make that one phone call to make things easier for us.

Be kind but firm. That way you can be helpful whilst minimising your risk. Do not take your child.

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 07:32

@footprintsintheslow

Thank you.

I’ll take the list and let him know I’ll add it to my next shop when my husband is available. Which will likely be midweek now.

We have a well stocked fridge, I’ve been getting produce boxes etc.

I have offered some of our own food at times, especially tinned stuff etc.

I don’t think it helps that I don’t know him that well. So there’s all the pleasantries involved.

OP posts:
bluewafflewithmayo · 04/04/2020 07:32

If you don’t want to help why did you offer?

Hotwaterbottlelove · 04/04/2020 07:32

You feel burdened as you offered to help and that has turned into something bigger than you were expecting. Neither your or his fault.

You say, that he said he didn't need any but would get a list together. I would take that as meaning he can wait a few days for whatever is on the list. I'd reply and say "I'm next going to the shops on X, I'll bring the shopping round to you then."

Just make sure you get the day right Grin

Out ndn also replied far too late when we asked them to send us a list.i felt compelled to go out and get the stuff right away. Now I know to give then 24 hours notice regarding a list.

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 07:33

@Screamqueenz

Yes it requires attention to detail and I’m bloody shattered.

Can you see my issue?

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 04/04/2020 07:33

I can’t work out what the neighbour has done to justify the accusatory tone of your last sentence. You offered to get him some shopping; he accepted. Have you missed something out that involves him being pushy or unreasonable?
Sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate and don’t want to physically go to supermarkets, so maybe don’t offer to get any more shopping or ask him for lists. Or be really strict about once a week? As a PP has said, maybe he’d be eligible for priority online delivery slots.

Casino218 · 04/04/2020 07:33

Go and have a lie down op 🤪