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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of neighbours shopping

210 replies

TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 07:01

Just that really. Neighbour is early 80’s and extremely nimble, me and my DH really feel for him. He has no family but plenty of friends and a usually active social life. Problem being all his friends are a similar age. He is shielding himself.

At the beginning of this whole thing we asked if he needed any help. He readily accepted and asked us to nip to the post office (for stuff that needed to go to the counter), post letters. I did some shopping. DH was going to ask a few more neighbours if they needed help but decided against it as we soon realised how time consuming it is.

He’s totally computer literate and fortunately I introduced him to a milk delivery service which he seems to be using.

Now we’re a bit further into this crisis, DH is still working, I’m at home with a one year old and trying to work in a job which requires a lot of attention to detail. My boss is fantastic and I’m picking my hours up in the evening. Also have a DSS who is here on DH’s days off and has extra needs so quite full on. So there’s no spare time.

I keep letting the neighbour know when we’re picking things up and including him in our shop. He added some items to our online shop but of course I can’t get anymore slots now.

We had a shop delivered Tuesday, I let him know I was going to the local supermarket Friday, he said he didn’t need anything but he would give me a list.

He’s now given me a list. I don’t want to go shopping again. He seemed disappointed I don’t have any online slot. There aren’t any online slots! I’ll have to take DS, DH is at work and I only went the day before last. I have underlying health conditions, as does DSS and we’re trying to avoid going out more than we need to.

I think the elderly don’t appreciate the gravity of the situation and think we’re immune rather than less at risk.

OP posts:
Inmyivorytower · 04/04/2020 08:16

OP does sound as if she’s actively thinking about how to manage, and putting in limits, which is a much more useful approach.

ponchek · 04/04/2020 08:18

Oh and don't listen to people saying you're a bad helper. You wanted to help but the scenario has changed and now you can't. And the neighbour will manage fine.

HooplaHoopla · 04/04/2020 08:18

You've got mixed up with your days.... you think it's Sunday today (it's Saturday), and when you said to your neighbour you were shopping on Friday you actually meant Thursday.... you thought Thursday was Friday. He thought you meant actually Friday (yesterday) like the rest of the world, and gave you the list! By this point you think it's Saturday!

Buy a calendar OP and get some sleep Flowers

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/04/2020 08:19

You definitely need to set boundaries OP, I am shopping for three households and also have a 1 year old. One of the households I was shopping for kept asking for 2 or 3 items every couple of days and things from multiple shops. I had to make it clear that I needed a list and that ideally I would only go once a week. I’ve ended up needed to go twice a week so far but I’m hoping to narrow it down.

BovaryX · 04/04/2020 08:19

Triangle
You are doing a kind thing for your neighbour and it is not surprising that you are feeling stressed because the changing situation has made this a bigger burden than you anticipated. As others have suggested, maybe communication is part of why this is stressing you out? Perhaps give a few days notice and explain that it's not possible to get delivery slots? It's really nice that you want to keep helping him, you are obviously a kind person. This blasted virus. Good luck to you all

Original poster
TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 08:19

@ponchek

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that and get to grips with my situation. It’s really helpful and I will definitely take heed.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 04/04/2020 08:20

I wouldn’t take your little one to the supermarket at all if you can help it though.

Bringonspring · 04/04/2020 08:20

you offered help, just be clear on when you are going. Whilst people in their 80s might seem competent he maybe forgetful and may have forgotten the timing

Whoareyoudududu · 04/04/2020 08:23

So basically you volunteered to help your elderly neighbour more than once and now you don’t want to help him anymore because it’s too much hassle. Just don’t ask him if he needs anything next time you go to the shop if that makes you feel better.

TheMistressQuickly · 04/04/2020 08:25

Did you mix your days up? Did you tell him to give the list on Friday but actually went on Thursday?

You sound stressed. Give yourself a break and do what you can x

pictish · 04/04/2020 08:25

I agree with that too, the virtue signalling is rife atm...but as you don’t know the OP personally you can’t pin that on her. Circumstances have changed a lot from a fortnight ago ...it was easy for OP to offer help during social distancing but since the more strident lockdown, she can’t be as flexible or available for her neighbour. This is where a simple boundary will suffice. She’ll get his items while she’s there.
There’s no need to extrapolate on her character.

Jaggerypokery · 04/04/2020 08:26

I’d be bloody delighted if my neighbour offered to do some shopping for me and would want to make sure they weren’t put out any more than was necessary - ie saying what I wanted as soon as possible after the offer was made and saying not to worry if they couldn’t get the exact item or an item wasn’t available etc.

Either some people don’t understand/realise how hard shopping is right now or don’t worry about putting people out. I’d just be relieved and grateful for any offer of help right now.

Be very clear when you are going, when you need his list by and that it’s not always possible to get what has been requested and that you can’t go from shop to shop. He can then take you up on your offer or not.

ponchek · 04/04/2020 08:26

Ivory tower what the OP has discovered is that she's risking her life when she goes into the post office. It's disingenuous and misleading of you to compare her reversal on helping with standard volunteers who underestimate eg time commitment and hassle. She isn't baulking at that - she's rightly refusing to put her life on the line for posting someone else's parcel or buying them some eggs.

And, crucially, when she offered the message on this virus was quite different. Now the goal posts have moved to a different pitch in a different country entirely.

She doesn't need bashing. Please don't vent your frustration at flaky peacetime volunteers on her now in this war. Be supportive.

footprintsintheslow · 04/04/2020 08:27

Read the thread @HooplaHoopla. We've moved on

pictish · 04/04/2020 08:27

Sorry that post was in response to Ivory.

ponchek · 04/04/2020 08:27

Triangle 💐👌

BovaryX · 04/04/2020 08:29

explain that it's not possible to get delivery slots

Actually ponchek that's a great point you made about the neighbour being eligible for priority delivery slots. Good idea to try and get that in place.

Blueblackrose · 04/04/2020 08:33

Things have changed very quickly. I have mild asthma - generally only wheeze when i get a chest cold. I've not been in a shop since 13 March and it will be a long long time until I go again. Luckly i have a DH who also wfh and can go to the shops instead. He is doing everything on that front.

I told my neighbour about my condition and that i am no longer going to the shops - so he knows it is my DH once a week and that is it. You need to text him a kind but firm update on your circumstances, explaining you are no longer going to shops and what this now means in terms of shopping.

lljkk · 04/04/2020 08:35

maybe he should sign up for the GoodSAMApp. There's lots of us on MN saying we signed up but no tasks to do so far. I'd go shopping for him.

SarahInAccounts · 04/04/2020 08:36

You can only go on the priority list if you have a GP referral.

If it's too much for you to continue helping him try to find a local group who are organising reports.

The ageism here is sickening.

SarahInAccounts · 04/04/2020 08:37

not reports - supports!

Darbs76 · 04/04/2020 08:39

Oh come on people. She asked him and he said no, next day gives a list. You can see why OP doesn’t want to risk going out. I think you should go and get it this once but let him know you can only get his shopping when you go, so ask him to plan ahead and get enough for the week (or whenever you next go)

Darbs76 · 04/04/2020 08:40

For the Good Samaritan service you have to be referred (it’s in your email instructions and FAQ)

BovaryX · 04/04/2020 08:41

Would he qualify for this?

^Government has advised more than 1.5 million clinically vulnerable people to stay at home for 12 weeks to shield themselves. Of those, there are thought to be around 400,000 people who don’t have a support network of family and friends to help them get shopping. Online shopping sites have been flooded with shoppers all vying to win the few delivery slots on offer. The largest supermarkets are set to be given access to the Government’s list of vulnerable people who don’t have any help to get their shopping, in a bid to prioritise their online delivery slots. If you class as a vulnerable person and don’t have a support network, you can sign up on the government website here. But what are all the supermarkets doing to prioritise the elderly and vulnerable?Tesco
Tesco will prioritise orders for those who are on the Government’s list of vulnerable people and has said it will be in touch with them by email once it has received the full list^

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