To think CV19 pandemic will highlight just how shit so many men are?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

We are obviously in very weird times where there's a general understating that everyone has to step out their comfort zone, adjust things etc be it working from home whilst looking after kids, doing a supermarket shop alone and once in a blue moon and staying indoors all day. However reading, here and on social media in the last few weeks (and RL accounts from friends) that men are unwilling to change the smallest things, including

• Women having to bend over backwards to sort getting to the supermarket because her DH won't do it
• no matter who is the higher earner, women doing both WFH and childcare duties while men get their full working days to themselves
• women being the ones sorting crafts, books, writing etc for home schooling whilst men barely know what school year their child is in.

It does seem that a lot of blokes were happy to have kids and have the fun moments - playing on an evening, holidays etc - but now have the daunting task of doing the hard stuff and can't cope for the life of them.

I suspect that a lot of women put up with this pre-pandemic because it's how they'd always been and she tolerated it because that's what women have been socialises to do. But this uselessness will be a nail in the coffin for many couples. Men have probably got away with a lot because they're Very Busy with work so women got on with things, but working from home probably exposes how Busy men actually are.

AIBU to think that many women will be exposed to just how utterly shit their OHs are?

Disclaimer: sorry not sorry on pointing out it's only men. Never once seen a post about a woman not stepping up to be a mother. Yes NAMALT and I'm sure your Nigel is lovely, but the point is I think a lot of other 'Nigels' will be shown to be nothing of the sort.

My kid's class has a Mums WhatsApp group and a Dads one, and has done for years. The topic of conversation on each group has always said a lot about the whole 'wifework' thing, but it's even more pronounced at the moment!

I think you’re right but then I’m not sure how many men actually want kids at all.

I think you’re right but then I’m not sure how many men actually want kids at all

I think they want mini-me's who they can take to the park and kick a football about with, not nagging little PITAs whose tantrums you have to calm a dozen times a day whilst trying to conference call

What I mean is, I think most men tend to go along with what the woman wants regarding starting a family. They love the kids when they arrive but would have been as happy without them.

I know so many women who decided to have kids, then spend the next decade complaining about them and making him do his share.

Sounds like OP just has a shit OH and wants to feel like everyone else does too

Not everyone's relationship is terrible, you know. I don't think the current situation changes that other than perhaps speeding up the conclusion of the relationship in many cases. A shit relationship is a shit relationship at any time.

Appropriate user name OP, well done.

The problem is that we never hear the good stories! So there will be tales of woe on social media etc but nobody brings it up when their DH is being perfectly normal and doing their share.

I've found that my oh joins in more since he's started wfh, not in school work and such but because he sees how busy I am kept by them all, I feel he's finally realised what I do all day.
On a flip side I have also realised that although his work is pretty intense and he's non stop busy from 9-5/6 it is all desk based, no running around involved.
Normally he would come home and switch off, go up، have a nap, go on his phone but now he's having his tea then getting straight involved with the children.
Not sure I'm making sense but our relationship has definitely improved since lockdown.

I'm sure there are as many helpful men as there are unhelpful men. I'm a community nurse in the NHS so I'm going to work. DH is off work with DC and he's done the food shop on my day off, I've come home to cooked meals. He's trying his best with the schoolwork but then so are my female friends who are at home trying to homeschool.

OP I imagine there are extremes of every situation. As a woman you will be aware of the narrative of your women friends about their husbands, you're on a group called MUMsnet which will be predominantly women who will often use this as an outlet to complain about their significant others who will often be men.

I don't think youre wrong but I also don't think you're blanket right.

My DH isn't enjoying fatherhood as much as he hoped he would, but for the past 2 weeks he has prioritised my sleep and my work as its my busy time. He's made all my meals and done all the shopping for us, my parents, his parents and his aunt and uncle.

Next week we will go to a more even prioritisation of work, childcare, cooking etc.

I moan about my DH loads, he has his faults, so do I. But does he pull his weight..... Absolutely. I imagine there are many stories like mine too, just very rarely people come on to their friends, social forums to "brag" about their husband parenting equally so the view you see is skewed to the negative.

I know so many women who decided to have kids, then spend the next decade complaining about them and making him do his share

I know, poor lambs being tricked into fatherhood by pesky women

Sounds like OP just has a shit OH and wants to feel like everyone else does too

I don't actually (have one at all)

Maybe the if you struggle with your DH, you need to man up and just let things flow?
DH and I have had the conversation and set out who is responsible for what - it was very easy. I let him get on with it... even though he does things differently, his priorities are different and his timeframe is different. You know what? It does not matter!!

Hurrah for casual sexism eh? Good old mumsnet.

I’m sure there are some men who are lazy and incompetent.
I’m sure there are plenty of women who are also lazy or incompetent.

Let’s remember as we bounce outshot clap in a jingoistic fashion that;
70% of emergency medicine consultants are men.
2/3 of paramedics are men.
60% of critical care trainees are men.
90% or UK armed forces are men.

Plenty of women doing very valuable work too but it is hardly suggestive that all men are rubbish at everything.

If a particular chap isn’t pulling his weight or there are warning signs, an adult discussion is called for - ideally before children arrive and before committing to shared living.

I didn’t say that they were tricked glummy

Just that IME they go along with it.

There are some shit men out there but I know many women who use motherhood as an excuse not to work, then insist their partner takes over the parenting duties as soon as he walks through the door because she’s been ‘at work all day’ and she ‘never gets a break’ and woe betide the poor bastard if he goes to the gym.

I'd love to see the responses of this post with the roles reversed!! I guess the feminism section would be brimming with insults.... Back to the original comment, if you think as OP does then this is perhaps not a reflection on men but on your relationships which are partnerships. If the balance in any area is considered unequal then it should be addressed by communicating. I also feel that many women who normally do the domestic chores are sometimes unable to leave their OH accomplish them in a slightly different way, this is then criticised rather than the effort appreciated so then does not encourage further assistance with other chores.

Syncrows

Slow clap for your bash at sahm

Some women do not get a break due to the nature of their child or children and some men and women who work outside the home do so in relatively easy and cushy jobs. So the person who works outside the home can sometimes have a easier time in some cases hence stepping up at home when needed.

Lots of women have remarked that they find work outside the home easier than being at home.

Motherhood is not an excuse not to work as it is work in itself, ie a working mother needs childcare and a non working outside the home mother needs to do that childcare herself.

So if childcare is work, does that only apply when paid money for it? Does it magically not count when done by the mother inside the home?

Yanbu. DP is a good father, partner, he works FT does his share household chores. In comparison to my sisters DH's he is fab, he appreciates how demanding the DC are yet I still need to mentally kick him up the arse he can regress to a teenager with his what-about-me.
As for family plans mental load, he is useless and annoying. He is on a day off work today I am stepping out of family time today, I've had enough this week. I am going to take a long shower, read, nap, paint DD's room with headphones on, will he moan? Probably I don't care Feck them all.

Nope, it will highlight the bad of course but it will also highlight the good. And there are plenty of good, decent men.

So the person who works outside the home can sometimes have a easier time in some cases hence stepping up at home when needed I believe so.
As a part time worker I got to eat my lunch, chat to adults, think about things, since let go due to Covid 19 I don't get a sandwich in peace.

It’s not a SAHM bash. I’ve been a SAHM. It’s a piece of piss. Whining that you never get a break, making DH do baths because running water and sticking a toddler in it is such hard work ... yeah, violins at the ready.

Get a job then emerald

@Syncrows I have a job, it is close as there is a pandemic.