To think CV19 pandemic will highlight just how shit so many men are?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

We are obviously in very weird times where there's a general understating that everyone has to step out their comfort zone, adjust things etc be it working from home whilst looking after kids, doing a supermarket shop alone and once in a blue moon and staying indoors all day. However reading, here and on social media in the last few weeks (and RL accounts from friends) that men are unwilling to change the smallest things, including

• Women having to bend over backwards to sort getting to the supermarket because her DH won't do it
• no matter who is the higher earner, women doing both WFH and childcare duties while men get their full working days to themselves
• women being the ones sorting crafts, books, writing etc for home schooling whilst men barely know what school year their child is in.

It does seem that a lot of blokes were happy to have kids and have the fun moments - playing on an evening, holidays etc - but now have the daunting task of doing the hard stuff and can't cope for the life of them.

I suspect that a lot of women put up with this pre-pandemic because it's how they'd always been and she tolerated it because that's what women have been socialises to do. But this uselessness will be a nail in the coffin for many couples. Men have probably got away with a lot because they're Very Busy with work so women got on with things, but working from home probably exposes how Busy men actually are.

AIBU to think that many women will be exposed to just how utterly shit their OHs are?

Disclaimer: sorry not sorry on pointing out it's only men. Never once seen a post about a woman not stepping up to be a mother. Yes NAMALT and I'm sure your Nigel is lovely, but the point is I think a lot of other 'Nigels' will be shown to be nothing of the sort.

@Pickupapenguinnnn

You might be lucky - you might not be.
I think the key is to do your best when selecting. Be ruthless about what you will and won't accept (this is very hard when you''re in love) and always, always have a back-up plan and escape route that can get you (and any child you might have) out of there pronto when necessary.

Can't complain about mine, he's been doing loads around the house while I'm working, although he's still working too, just on reduced hours. Even school work, we know our strengths. Today he's done a design tech lesson with ds, from designing an item in a sketch, taking it to CAD and then actually making the item. He isn't even ds's dad.

This doesn't really affect me - my relationship with OH is highly conditional, and he is well aware that I would leave him without so much as a backwards glance if he didn't pull his weight to my satisfaction, so I don't have to worry about him not doing his share.

However, I sincerely hope that a lot of useless men will be served the divorce papers after this lockdown. They don't deserve partners, any partners, let alone ones who are willing to do stuff for them. I might even pray for it.

It seems to be the norm amongst people I know where the women do a lot more of the work and the man sees their job/hobbies of mega importance. It is well researched and there are numerous studies stating this. There are exceptions of course. In my experience though the friends who say their husband is amazing are the ones with husbands who do virtually nothing whilst the complainers have better husbands so I think you are better acknowledging it if you do more and discussing/dealing with it.

Sounds likely. Some men can't even boil an egg, or look after their own children.

Everyone can boil an egg. It’s a choice not to.

he is well aware that I would leave him without so much as a backwards glance if he didn't pull his weight to my satisfaction

Wow, you sound controlling. Imagine the responses this would get if a man had said it.

My dh does all the shopping, cooking, housework, laundry and works twelve hours six days a week.

He's done this for years since I became ill.

He'd been well entitled to post a thread moaning about women, based on his life with me.

Lol, you’re so right

Don’t want it look after your kids?

Don’t have them. Simple.

Male or females, husbands or wives you made them - now deal with having to school them as well.

Us barren couples couldn’t care less how hard it is for you now you have to teach them the time table. If you have a shit OH then you won’t be any worse off without them will you? From the workload side.

TLDR: you have kids, now you have to look after them a bit more- you don’t want kids.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

YABU to generalise like this!

Some men are useless and leave all the wifework and child-rearing to the woman.

Some men chip in as much as the woman, and look after the kids as much as her.

Some men chip in MORE, and spend lots of time with the kids.

Also, most men DO want children, and it is NOT often only the woman who wants them........ I am sick of this bolleaux that some people spout ... And IME, it is always spouted by women whose men can't be arsed with their kids, or people whose fathers couldn't be arsed with them.

They need to stop projecting their issues onto others.

My DH has always been a diamond with our kids, and was as desperate for kids as I was. Ditto my own father - and his brothers.. ALL wanted kids, all adored them, all great fathers. So do bore off with your sweeping generalisations!

@GreytExpectations Controlling? Hm. Oh well. Too bad.

A relationship has to work for me and my boundaries and expectations are clear from the start. If a relationship doesn't satisfy me, I walk. Then again, others are free to suffer and/or martyr themselves if they wish.

A relationship has to work for me and my boundaries and expectations are clear from the start.

Sounds like you'd be best as a single person. Don't think you quite understand that a relationship is two ways, you know how both partners need to be on the same page?

Yanbu.

totally agree. so many of my brilliant, successful clever friends take on far more chores and child care than their male partners - even though both had equally promising careers pre-kids.

it pains me to see pensions and career paths minimised, just because those couples go with the status quo instead of finding a more fair solution between them.

saying this, a few of our friends do a 50/50 split in childcare, chores and work - and looking at them, I feel like thats the inly way for me to have children and be happy.

Not the case at all for my DH

Life has been far easier and relaxed for me since he has been off

I still do a lot of cooking but he’s doing the shopping, the nappy changes, the bath times, the bed times, the entertaining, the crafting, the gardening and the diy jobs

Wish he could be at home all the time after seeing how much he does

MN has 10million visitors /month, I think it really unlikely that its some unique microcosm of women who have shit husbands. Its not really generalising if lots of women post the same findings.

Its much more likely that actually we dont really know whats going on in our friends/families lives. Your much more likely to be honest about your DHs shitness on MN. Especially if the person your talking to is all not my nigel.

My experience comes from men i work with, my dad, my FiL, uncles, grandpa...some of these men arent bad people but blatantly dont pull their weight. I love my dad, but hes a lazy sod and clearly values his career and hobbies over my mums, even though its the same career

A generalisation is just that, a generalisation not a personal insult on your Nige. Of course their will be decent men out there, but from what I see generally men are pretty shit.

Greyt and that's why the other party is free to leave if he is not satisfied.

For example to my friends my DP appears great, and in many ways he is, I love him very much. Hes a really kind and caring man, and treats me very well.

But he expects me to make all the fucking decisions. He will clean but needs me to tell him what to do, he wont go into a room see it needs cleaning and do it. He will cook dinner but i have to plan it out.

Ive never told my friends this, and i really dont see how anyone else can know this but me. You dont know the minutae of peoples lives to be able to say you dont know any men like that, its not like my friends are sat in my kitchen at 9.30 when dp asks me for the 1000x if the living room needs vacuuming

@GreytExpectations I completely agree with @cavabiensepasser clear boundaries in any relationship are really important, be it a friend or a partner. There are certain things I would never tolerate, there are certain things my boyfriend wouldn’t tolerate. It’s really important to have boundaries and to stick with them, otherwise people end up in relationships that aren’t right for them as they have to put up with crap that they don’t agree with.

If the option is being alone or allowing someone to walk over your boundaries an adult who values their mental health etc will go for being alone. Obviously people are free to choose someone who disrespects their boundaries, but they then can’t be surprised that they’re not happy.

What really saddens me is women who say 'yes my DH is useless' but then stay with him, and having seen what a useless parent he is to the first child .... go on to have more children with him? Why? I honestly think some women want to have babies so much that they turn a blind eye to their DH's faults.

My marriage (30 years + ) is far from perfect but at least I feel I am married to an adult who takes full responsibility for the running of the household & family. We were married for many years before having a child (by choice) & it was my DH who wanted a child much more than I did, and we deliberately just had one child. By waiting I knew what sort of husband he was and had a fairly good idea, because he cared enough about children by doing lots of youth volunteering, that he would be a decent dad. Far too many people have children (men and women) without any real thought.

I get what the OP is saying, although I think the wives/partners in this situation always knew this was the case.

I think this humorous clip captures it

SandyY2K

The look on that last Dad's face 😂😂😂

@PicsInRed

The look on that last Dad's face

I know....what a picture.

These dads are not in the minority.... the date of birth of their child wouldn't roll of their tongue on the spot like that.

Funny enough my DD17 went out to get some ear piercings a couple of months ago.

As she was under 18, they wanted to verify that she had parental consent and had a set of questions to verify that she was indeed who she said she was.

She gave them my number, but I was on a teleconference WFH, so DH picked my phone up...and ended up having to answer the questions.

DD said she was worried he wouldn't know the answers...the piercer told her he hesitated on a couple of them, but all dads did and some gave wrong answers.
Unlike mums who were always spot on.

By and large, my experience is that mothers know their children better than fathers. That in itself doesn't make them useless dads, but as the kids grow up, they'll also see this in their dads and could interpret it as a lack of interest in them as an individual.

@SandyY2K I find that clip mostly really sad although I do get why it's funny
They should all be ashamed of themselves.

I just think that lockdown highlights a crap relationship. I am absolutely at the end of my tethernwith my "d" h. More work for me having him around tbh.