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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect more from DSD

201 replies

Quinnieq · 01/04/2020 21:28

Expect to get roasted here.
DSD19 has opted to quarantine with us, usually lives with her mum and visits once a month. Fine, she’s welcome and entitled to.
DH is working out the house all the hours of the day, his job is related to the Corona fight. I’m working from home, our twin DDs5 at home too of course.
DSD is bugging me. Sleeps late, eats meals except dinner alone in her room, doesn’t cause much mess but doesn’t interact with us at all. I’m struggling to work whilst looking after the twins. Got one laptop in the house (I didn’t request one from work as didn’t know DSD would be here) and DSD has it in her room most of the time so when I do get snippets of time I have to go and ask for it and she doesn’t like that.
She’s not contributing financially which is fair enough as she isn’t earning and this is her home, but I keep thinking some help would be appreciated. I suggested she entertain the girls one hour a day so I can work and it didn’t last long, she put the telly on for them and was just on her phone. They were back pestering me within about thirty minutes.
But I also keep thinking if she was at her mum’s it would still be hard to work with the twins, and that it’s not DSD’s fault we are all in this situation. I don’t want to bother DH who is really busy and stressed, so tell me, AITA?

OP posts:
RonnieBarkingMad · 01/04/2020 21:32

Sounds like you expect her to be a free babysitter for you, which she is not.

If she is taking your property (your laptop) from you, ask for it back and it that doesn’t work then take it back. You are an adult. She is a child.

She sounds like she annoys you a lot so her sleeping late and eating meals in her room should be a blessing to you, not a negative.

Waveysnail · 01/04/2020 21:32

Firstly laptop is yours as your working from home and dsd doesnt get it. Fine for her not interacting however she needs to help out and her dad needs to talk to her about that. She can easily help with minding the twins for a morning or afternoon. Help prep meals. I would expect that of my own kids and would treat step children the same

ilovedjerrymore · 01/04/2020 21:33

Hard situation for everyone at the moment. Maybe only let her have your laptop for a couple of designated hours a day?

ilovedjerrymore · 01/04/2020 21:34

@RonnieBarkingMad 19 is not exactly a child...Hmm

HollowTalk · 01/04/2020 21:35

I wouldn't let her have the laptop at all, tbh. You need it for work and it belongs to you.

And yes, she should pull her weight and mind the children for a bit. It's what anyone would do if they were living with someone trying to work from home.

EKGEMS · 01/04/2020 21:35

Reclaim the damn laptop it's intended for your job not her entertainment-she has a phone she can use and btw you do NOT sound like you're expecting a live in babysitter that was just a bitchy post by a pp

littleduckeggblue · 01/04/2020 21:36

Absolulty she should be pulling her weight. At 19 she is an adult and could be cooking, cleaning and entertaining the kids. Your husband needs to speak to her and set some rules.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 01/04/2020 21:36

Agree laptop is yours for work. You get dibs on that. If she wants one she can buy one or wait til you’ve finished work (which will be quicker if she entertains her sisters Wink)

MysteryFrog · 01/04/2020 21:36

Whilst the rest of it is annoying the only real issue is the laptop, she shouldn’t be taking your property. Whilst it would be nice if she helped with the twins, they’re not her responsibility.

RonnieBarkingMad · 01/04/2020 21:40

@ilovedjerrymore
19 is not exactly a child...

Stepdaughter is still a child, dads child, and if the OP is in a relationship with father then somewhat her child too.

Nevertheless, no matter the age or whether the stepdaughter is classed as a child or not, still does not affect the fact that the OP should grow a pair and stop stepdaughter from using her laptop if OP wants to use it instead of moaning about it on hers (what good is that going to do?)

RonnieBarkingMad · 01/04/2020 21:42

Moaning about it on here**

Wattagoose90 · 01/04/2020 21:43

I wouldn't ask her to mind the kids but I'd be inclined to ask her to run the hoover around or help with dinner.

A small contribution makes a huge difference.

I'd maybe wonder why she's so keen to isolate in her room. Could you use this as a bonding experience or is she just a moody teenager?

user1493494961 · 01/04/2020 21:43

Get the laptop back!

Original poster
Quinnieq · 01/04/2020 21:43

Thank you everyone. It’s a family laptop usually, I need it more than usual at the moment as working from home.
Maybe we need a schedule. I feel badly because she had a crap time with DH and her mum splitting, she wasn’t keen on me when I showed up, and I would say is jealous of DDs having a mum and dad who are stable when she didn’t. I want to be easy going, she keeps to her room and puts plates in the dishwasher so causes hardly any chores in terms of housework but maybe we can ask her to cook once a week and do an hour of lessons with the kids. That would be a great start. I might try to ask her myself to avoid worrying DH that there’s an issue. She’s just so sulky I know she isn’t going to say “oh yes Quinnieq, that sounds completely fair!”

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 01/04/2020 21:44

I would expect my own DC to do a bit around the house,so would expect the same of step children

Original poster
Quinnieq · 01/04/2020 21:46

@RonnieBarkingMad thanks I appreciate your perspective. Sorry you feel I am moaning, I just wanted some input and thought this seemed a good place to ask for some feedback.

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 01/04/2020 21:49

Poor kid. But she'll only like you all better when she knows you better, so family dinner seems a good idea. Suggest she chooses her fave dishes and cooks it if you get the ingredients in.

Livelovebehappy · 01/04/2020 21:49

Lots of teens prefer their own space and self isolate in their rooms. You say she sits with you during your evening meal so I don’t see why her eating lunch alone is a big deal. The laptop is yours so she should only use it when you don’t need it. If you want her to watch the DCs, then as long as they’re supervised there’s really nothing wrong in her sitting them down in front of the tv.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 01/04/2020 21:50

I would try to reel her in a bit with positivity, ask her to join you for dinner as you’d like her company, involve her in chats where you ask how she is.

Is she at Zuni? Work? Nothing? Either way she must feel adrift and like her future is on hold, so not easy for her (and there must be a reason she did not want to stay with her mum)

Be generous with attention/food and be “tough” with the laptop, set aside a fixed few hours for yourself (eg she has mornings, you have afternoons)

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/04/2020 21:50

Why she choose to stay with you?

We’re all someone’s child but she’s an adult, isn’t working, has chosen to live with you for now and should be pitching in to make your life easier. You’ve got enough on your plate! She should be cooking way more than once a week, cleaning regularly. I don’t know about babysitting the twins but she doesn’t have to be there and if she’ll continue to be she needs to get involved like the capable adult woman she should be.

What does your husband have to say? Doesn’t he expect more of her?

JKScot4 · 01/04/2020 21:50

At 19 she should be helping about the house and hell no to her holding the laptop hostage. Does she normally work? student?

RonnieBarkingMad · 01/04/2020 21:53

but maybe we can ask her to cook once a week

Reasonable. If she eats the food you cook her and the rest of your family on a regular basis.

and do an hour of lessons with the kids.

Absolutely not reasonable. Is she a teacher? They are not her kids, why should she have to teach them for on a daily basis? An hour of lessons? Is your middle name OFSTED?

Booboosweet · 01/04/2020 21:56

I think asking her to do a bit of housework is fair but I don't think asking her to babysit the five year olds is on. She has a right to relax in her home without babysitting. Take the laptop for your work though.

formerbabe · 01/04/2020 21:59

Whose laptop is it? If it's yours then demand it back as you need to work...that is the priority need.

She should help round the house generally with chores occasionally.

Yabvu to expect her to babysit.

Cheesepleas3 · 01/04/2020 21:59

This behaviour would maybe be tolerable (though laptop thing is flat out rude) with someone aged say 13/14.. But 19 is every ounce an adult and should be behaving like one. I think the argument that they're still their parents child is nonsense. It wouldn't be OK for a 40 year old to act this way to their 70 year old parent, so I can't see why a young adult it's any different.