AIBU to expect more from DSD

[Quinnieq]

Expect to get roasted here.
DSD19 has opted to quarantine with us, usually lives with her mum and visits once a month. Fine, she’s welcome and entitled to.
DH is working out the house all the hours of the day, his job is related to the Corona fight. I’m working from home, our twin DDs5 at home too of course.
DSD is bugging me. Sleeps late, eats meals except dinner alone in her room, doesn’t cause much mess but doesn’t interact with us at all. I’m struggling to work whilst looking after the twins. Got one laptop in the house (I didn’t request one from work as didn’t know DSD would be here) and DSD has it in her room most of the time so when I do get snippets of time I have to go and ask for it and she doesn’t like that.
She’s not contributing financially which is fair enough as she isn’t earning and this is her home, but I keep thinking some help would be appreciated. I suggested she entertain the girls one hour a day so I can work and it didn’t last long, she put the telly on for them and was just on her phone. They were back pestering me within about thirty minutes.
But I also keep thinking if she was at her mum’s it would still be hard to work with the twins, and that it’s not DSD’s fault we are all in this situation. I don’t want to bother DH who is really busy and stressed, so tell me, AITA?

People are so odd on here. While the OP is expected to treat her SD as her own daughter, the SD isn't expected to treat her step sisters as relations at all.

@RonnieBarkingMad - you are barking mad. How on earth did the explanation of the SDD sound snobby and like OP doesn’t want her there? It seemed like a perfectly reasonable explanation to me, she argues with her mum, the internet is bad and dads house has a garden and shops nearby. Perhaps you’re reading something completely different as what on earth is snobby about that? She’s just explaining why she came, not making any judgements on anyone. Jeez.

Also I don’t see why you can’t ask her to help the twins for an hour. OP is trying to work at home and home school. Resident kids (step ones too) are expected to pitch it

@RonnieBarkingMad what’s snobby and vile about saying we have a garden and good internet in comparison to her other home? I’m afraid I can’t tell you I don’t like her as it is simply not true.
Thanks everyone about the tablet/own laptop idea but Her mum isn’t nearby so pick up would be breaking the rules.
She’s not at college anymore and no uni plans. I’ve told her I need the laptop tomorrow morning so to leave it outside her room when finished with it tonight.
Good luck everyone with your own quarantines x

She's probably feeling quite at sea - she was at a bit of a life crossroads anyway, now everything must feel as though it's on hold, she's not working, she might not feel quite at home, etc.

Either you or her father need to have a chat with her:

what is her plan for the next few weeks - assuming we're going to be in some kind of lockdown situation until at least, say, September.
Is she going to study? Get a job? Sign on?

here are the things we contribute to as members of the household, financial and non-financial (housework, cooking, etc).

It's an opportunity for her to learn some skills, get to know her sisters, help you guys out, earn some money, etc, etc..... Might you be able to help her with her CV, find suitable courses, plan a meal or two a week that she could make, etc.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to make a contribution. I do think you sound as though you haven't quite considered how much she might need some emotional support from you and her father.

@RonnieBarkingMad get a grip 🙄

Tbh I think she should help with her siblings, it's a horrendous situation for everybody and we all need to muck in and get on with it as best we can. She's not your responsibility as she's not your child but you've taken on the responsibility of providing for her so she should step up and take some responsibility for spending time with her siblings.

Thank you Darbs76.
And good idea, I will speak to DH about buying another laptop.

@formerbabe yes but in a normal situation op is at work and the twins are at school. It’s not a normal situation, working from home and trying to juggle kids is hard and an adult with no job living in that house should absolutely be willing to help out.

OP you have been getting a really hard time and not sure why? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask an unemployed 19 year old that has chosen to quarentine at your house with no financial contribution to babysit her sisters for the day/cook meals/clean. I imagine you would expect that of your own child so not sure why you wouldn't ask it of a step child. She doesn't get to just doss for months when you are run ragged.

Ronnie: you are being ridiculous towards the OP. Give it a rest.

@Quinnieq

what’s snobby and vile about saying we have a garden and good internet in comparison to her other home? I’m afraid I can’t tell you I don’t like her as it is simply not true.

It was just the way you wrote it, it seemed very snobby, disparaging and sneery to me. I said in my other post that you either didn’t like her or you didn’t like her staying in your home. You can like someone but still hate them living with you. From your subsequent posts it doesn’t sound like you like her very much.

Ronnie, I think you are over invested in this - I didn't read it as sneering at all.

wouldn't let her have the laptop at all, tbh. You need it for work and it belongs to you.

Snap. If you’re working-it needs to be with you.

Agree with so many here.My DD was like this at that age, hanging out in bedroom.So that is not an insult really.
But using your laptop? No way ! She doesn't have one at home , so what does she use there? Her phone of course.
And don't understand posters saying " your kids ". As others have said, these are her SISTERS. And it is not a crime to ask a teenager to look after her younger siblings for awhile.
It is not like she has them the whole day.

What's the issue with her helping out with her sisters a bit given the current situation? My 11 year old has been teaching my 5 year old her phonics and doing Maths games with her! Why can't a 19 year old pitch in when she doesn't have any other responsibilities?

Of course you should get the lap top back and of course she should help with the twins

My 11 year old has been teaching my 5 year old her phonics and doing Maths games with her! Why can't a 19 year old pitch in when she doesn't have any other responsibilities?

Because your 11 year old is 11 years old and the 19 year old is 19. Wielding “authority” over someone younger is a novelty and fun when 11. At 19 it tends not to be as interesting.

Ronnie, I think you are over invested in this - I didn't read it as sneering at all.

Over invested how? I’m replying to a thread. And ok, you didn’t read it as sneering. I did.

OP I have been in a very similar position with a DSD30 who was happy to live with us rent free but not to behave as a member of the household. This went on for a year and put a lot of strain on my relationship with her (which had always been very good) and her father.
I’m afraid I think your room for manoeuvre depends on the extent to which her father is prepared to get involved. Of course she should be behaving as a family member by making a social and practical contribution, but if your partner won’t lay down ground rules anything you do will just lead to bitterness and acrimony. It is horrid feeling that someone has opted to live with you for purely transactional reasons that have nothing to do with them actually liking you, and you have my sympathy.

Ronnie you’re coming across as a right twat.

I'd be interested in what her dad has to say about all this. Does he support your concerns, or has he buried his head in the sand about it all?

If he is concerned, it would be better coming from him if he raised it with her.

If he is burying his head and hoping it will all go away quietly, then you have a DH problem.

How you proceed from here depends on which he is.

Also you should have the laptop during working hours, no discussion about that. She could then use it after your hours/work is done.

@Quinnieq how about asking her to sit with you and have a cup of tea once the younger ones are in bed. Ask her how she feels things are and how is she managing any anxiety over the current situation? She may be a bit surly as she is concerned for her Dad being a frontline worker?
Explain to her how you feel, share (to a degree) how tough it is to juggle the twins learning, entertainment, managing the house and your work commitments. Ask her if she has any ideas on how things might work better.

See what suggestions she comes up with. I know my almost 18yr old response a 100 times better if I approach her in this way instead of being too head on. It fosters an "all in it together" attitude.

1. You need the laptop to work. That’s the end of that conversation frankly.

1. She’s not your babysitter. It would be nice if she helped but if it’s not her bag that’s not her fault. If you really want her to help then make it fun, not fucking lessons! Teaching 5yos is hard enough for teachers let alone a 19 year old who’s not that keen.

Ronnie, get a bloody grip on yourself.

OP, maybe she and her mum argue because she’s a lazy mare who expects to be treated like a child and respected like an adult. Maybe her mum expects her to cook, clean and pitch in! You should too and as your husband is out all day it’s perfectly fine and normal for you to say so.

Have a look at the now several threads where step mums are expected to look after their step kids including home schooling all day on top of a full time job working from home where posters are falling over themselves to spout how these are extraordinary times and an adult at home is of course expected to care for children they’re now related to and normally have no say over at all. Your step daughter isn’t working, has invited herself to stay with you indefinitely and isn’t lifting a fucking finger to join in or help, you or her sisters, and is actually making life harder for you by obstructing your ability to work and creating extra effort and expense for you. Stop treading on eggshells because she’s your step daughter and be clear about your expectations. If she doesn’t like it she can go back to her mum’s.

OP, i think you are getting a very hard time here.

Laptop is needed by you. End of.

She isn't a student.
She needs to contribute.
She absolutely should be helping out like a normal teenager would.

She sounds like she is a bit spoilt and lazy.

She needs to pitch in during this difficult time or return to her mother.

Her choice.

It is very normal to ask for help and asking for one hour a day is so little....its not as if they are toddlers.

I agree with the other poster who said I don't think children or step children should be asked to look after their siblings. Occasionally fine, but it was the parents choice to have children. However contributing to the upkeep of the household is a different matter entirely and she should be running a Hoover round etc.

Eating lunch alone I don't see as a big issue. I am an introvert and would prefer that myself.

The key question is how does her father feel about all of this? If he doesn't back you up you are going to find it tough

Fuck the 'she's not your baby sitter ' brigade. She's 19 with no job living in the family home. You don't get to have all the benefits of being a 'child' of the family without the equal expectations of behaving as family. She should cook at least one night and definitely do an hour of child care a day, they are her siblings not some random children the op is foistering on her. No wonder some of you have such entitled adult children who have no real feelings of family - it's actually doing thing with and for family that build love and respect.