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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect more from DSD

201 replies

Quinnieq · 01/04/2020 21:28

Expect to get roasted here.
DSD19 has opted to quarantine with us, usually lives with her mum and visits once a month. Fine, she’s welcome and entitled to.
DH is working out the house all the hours of the day, his job is related to the Corona fight. I’m working from home, our twin DDs5 at home too of course.
DSD is bugging me. Sleeps late, eats meals except dinner alone in her room, doesn’t cause much mess but doesn’t interact with us at all. I’m struggling to work whilst looking after the twins. Got one laptop in the house (I didn’t request one from work as didn’t know DSD would be here) and DSD has it in her room most of the time so when I do get snippets of time I have to go and ask for it and she doesn’t like that.
She’s not contributing financially which is fair enough as she isn’t earning and this is her home, but I keep thinking some help would be appreciated. I suggested she entertain the girls one hour a day so I can work and it didn’t last long, she put the telly on for them and was just on her phone. They were back pestering me within about thirty minutes.
But I also keep thinking if she was at her mum’s it would still be hard to work with the twins, and that it’s not DSD’s fault we are all in this situation. I don’t want to bother DH who is really busy and stressed, so tell me, AITA?

OP posts:

HarrietTheShy · 02/04/2020 08:52

she’s welcome and entitled to.

Sleeps late, eats meals except dinner alone in her room, doesn’t cause much mess but doesn’t interact with us at all

She’s not contributing financially which is fair enough as she isn’t earning and this is her home, but I keep thinking some help would be appreciated.

Which is it? You've said it's fair, but you still have resentment? With the exception of the laptop issue which is easily solved, she appears to be making herself as invisible as possible. It's not fair to resent her presence while saying she's welcome and entitled to stay.

A million people just applied for universal credit. We are in gov't-ordered isolation except where absolutely necessary. Posters calling her 'jobless' and making out she's lazy for it are ridiculous and petty.

She is under no obligation to provide ongoing childcare. End of. You are allowed to ask. She is allowed to say no.

She should involved in maintaining the home, however. Speak to her dad, and then sit down as a family and divvy up a rota. Let her dad lead.

Amazon tablets are currently on sale if you need another device. You can pay monthly over 5 months to reduce the costs.

harriethoyle · 02/04/2020 08:52

@RonnieBarkingMad stop projecting

Mascotte · 02/04/2020 08:57

There are actually loads of temporary jobs just now which would be ideal. Shops and call centres are crying out for workers.

AdriannaP · 02/04/2020 09:01

You sound resentful of her. Be glad she is keeping out of your way abd sleeping/not bothering you. She is not your free childcare. How much childcare does your DH do?
As for the laptop if you need one for work, they should supply you with one. Of course id you need the family laptop to work DSD should give it to you. Maybe she can buy a cheap tablet online? Don’t be too harsh on her, don’t you think she misses her social life and friends too.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/04/2020 09:02

If DSD is family then there is nothing wrong with her helping the family. That means keeping off the laptop and helping with her younger siblings. It's not forced labour or slavery or even unreasonable to help in a pandemic.

HarrietTheShy · 02/04/2020 09:07

There are actually loads of temporary jobs just now which would be ideal. Shops and call centres are crying out for workers.

My friend with tons of retail experience applied to the local Tesco, Sainsbury's and the nearest Ocado warehouse. She hasn't heard back.

Mascotte · 02/04/2020 09:09

I do think it’s hard when it’s not your dd. As you can’t enforce rules you might for your own. But I would be resentful if any able bodied adult who wants to lie about all day and do fuck all whilst expecting to be funded and looked after by others.

If she wants a laptop then she can get a job and buy one. You need yours for work..

fairynick · 02/04/2020 09:10

She just sounds like she keeps herself to herself and out of the way. Seems like she’s making no difference to your time in lockdown apart from the laptop so just tell her you need it for work. You’re taking it out on her, sorry.

EL8888 · 02/04/2020 09:14

What is she bringing to the table? Nothing by the sound of it. She needs to contribute a third at least of the cooking, cleaning, shopping (it is quite time consuming at the moment after all!). As well as not trying to monopolise the laptop, lm sure she has a phone and it’s not like she is working. Asking her to do lots of babysitting is a bit excessive but she needs to contribute something to the household and she clearly isn’t at the moment

GrapefruitsAreNotTheOnlyFruit · 02/04/2020 09:16

Yes I would expect help. She is an adult and this is a crisis. You have been thrown into child care + working from home. Of course she should be pitching in.

My children are much younger but are still helping with the dishwasher and washing and the oldest has been doing simple meal preparation.

clareOclareO · 02/04/2020 09:23

I have to admit I'm chuckling at all the people who think her being 19 automatically means she is an adult. These days, childhood and adolescence is extended significantly. Many people are not properly adults until their late-20s or even early-30s.

She is still a teenager, and from the sound of it a fairly considerate one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2020 09:28

Many people are not properly adults until their late-20s or even early-30s.

Not the ones who are brought up with reasonable expectations of their behaviour.

She is still a teenager, and from the sound of it a fairly considerate one.

How so? She invited herself to stay for an open ended amount of time, isn’t lifting a finger to pitch in and is making it hard for OP to work - work to pay for the money that pays for the roof over their heads and the food they’re eating.

HillAreas · 02/04/2020 09:28

Oh for Christ’s sake.

Take the damn lap top off her. You need it for work to earn money to pay for the house she’s currently sleeping in and the food she’s currently eating. Wouldn’t even think twice about this.
She has to contribute in some way. She obviously can’t financially but she could be pitching in with the housework etc if spending some time amusing her own sisters is too much for her.
If she doesn’t like it then she can piss off back to her mums, can’t she?

Igglepigglesgrubbyblanket · 02/04/2020 09:29

If you have the money I'd buy a second laptop. This will go on for a long time.

Sleeping late and hiding in your room are fairly normal teenager activities, plus she has way more reason to be angsty than at usual times.
I'd level with her that things are hard for you too, buy the laptop (if pos) and ask for (not demand) her help, like ask her if there's anything she would prefer doing or maybe ask her to watch the twins while you go out for your daily exercise alone now and then so you can get your head together.

I totally feel for you, this is such a shitty situation and everything feels so magnified. I'm sure you are really worried about your DH as well.
Courage!

HillAreas · 02/04/2020 09:29

Hi again @AnneLovesGilbert - we agree once more

Runnerduck34 · 02/04/2020 09:29

You need to have ownership of your laptop so you can use it for work and let her use it other times. Is it too late to organise one from work now? Does she need it to complete school or college work?
I think its reasonable to ask her to entertain twins for an hour or so a day and do some household tasks. There are 7 of us currently in our household and i have a virus( don't know if its the one) i am becoming frustrated by teenage dc ( and DH) lack of input, sometimes they need a gentle kick, ime Teenagers dont usually use their initative to help round the house but sometimes you have to work together as a family.

GrapefruitsAreNotTheOnlyFruit · 02/04/2020 09:32

@clareOclareO maybe it depends on what our expectations are? Young people aren't really any different from the way they were in the past and are capable of a lot.

StampMc · 02/04/2020 09:35

She’s in the awkward phase of being an adult, but being a child within the family. It’s not unreasonable for an unemployed none student 19yo in these abnormal times to be excessively lazy and want to stay in their room and mess about on a laptop all day. It is unreasonable to be the only none working adult in the house and make no financial contribution and also do bugger all around the house.
She should be doing basic chores and shopping and cooking and contribute towards entertaining her sisters, not because older siblings are servants or less important than the adults or younger siblings, but because in families people help each other. She could make an enormous contribution by doing a shop once a week, making 3-4 meals and doing a couple of loads of laundry and some vacuuming etc and still have 22 hours a day to herself. I agree with pp that sibling/ caring relationships should not be transactional. I’ve never made my older ones do masses of formal childcare but helping keep them entertained, help with homework, playing games together, keeping an eye for an hour before I get home from work or go shopping is absolutely expected.

vanillandhoney · 02/04/2020 09:41

I think it's a difficult one, and I really sympathise with you as it's not an easy time for anyone.

The laptop - you obviously need one for work but would it be possible to get one for her too? These aren't usual circumstances and she's probably bored stiff stuck indoors all day with just her phone for entertainment. Maybe you could borrow one from work or you could buy her a relatively cheap Chromebook or similar just so she can get online?

Housework - she should be helping with that. I know you say she doesn't create much mess but maybe she could run the hoover around, wash the dishes and maybe cook a meal or two each week too.

The twins - you can't force her to look after them, although I totally understand it would be a big help to you. Maybe hint at the fact that if she helps out, you'll be finished with work quicker and then she can have her turn on the laptop!

MellowBird85 · 02/04/2020 09:45

And this is why we have so many entitled snowflakes walking amongst us. Early 30’s ffs, words fail me.

vanillandhoney · 02/04/2020 09:50

What a load of nonsense.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 02/04/2020 09:51

She sounds exactly like my oldest. I think a schedule for the laptop is a good idea as people can see how much time they have. If she is living there rent free then definitely ask for some jobs to get done. Be flattered that she chose to live with you.

LittleMcJiggle · 02/04/2020 09:52

Chuckling at the prospect of not being a full adult until your 30s. Get a grip. You're honestly failing your children if they aren't acting like proper adults in their late 20s, early 30s. How bloody ridiculous.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 02/04/2020 10:01

What is this poor kid, she's just a child nonsense? She 19 years old for goodness sake!

OP take back the laptop. It's yours, not hers.
If she wants to sleep/eat there then she should help cook and do other household chores. She should naturally offer.

She's not earning money but she CAN earn her keep! I don't envy you at all, she needs to step up. It's not a hotel and you're not her maid.

LittleMcJiggle · 02/04/2020 10:03

And definitely don't go out and buy her a bloody laptop for goodness sake. She won't die without one and you need it to work. She'll have to do something else.

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