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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect more from DSD

201 replies

Quinnieq · 01/04/2020 21:28

Expect to get roasted here.
DSD19 has opted to quarantine with us, usually lives with her mum and visits once a month. Fine, she’s welcome and entitled to.
DH is working out the house all the hours of the day, his job is related to the Corona fight. I’m working from home, our twin DDs5 at home too of course.
DSD is bugging me. Sleeps late, eats meals except dinner alone in her room, doesn’t cause much mess but doesn’t interact with us at all. I’m struggling to work whilst looking after the twins. Got one laptop in the house (I didn’t request one from work as didn’t know DSD would be here) and DSD has it in her room most of the time so when I do get snippets of time I have to go and ask for it and she doesn’t like that.
She’s not contributing financially which is fair enough as she isn’t earning and this is her home, but I keep thinking some help would be appreciated. I suggested she entertain the girls one hour a day so I can work and it didn’t last long, she put the telly on for them and was just on her phone. They were back pestering me within about thirty minutes.
But I also keep thinking if she was at her mum’s it would still be hard to work with the twins, and that it’s not DSD’s fault we are all in this situation. I don’t want to bother DH who is really busy and stressed, so tell me, AITA?

OP posts:
Original poster
Quinnieq · 01/04/2020 21:59

So after college she travelled then came back to work (retail) to save to travel again. Didn’t have a job when this all kicked off so in limbo. This situation isn’t good for her getting a job and doesn’t look good for future travelling. She enjoyed going out with her friends and doesn’t have a boyfriend so I know it’s got to be crap for her.
So I get this is crap and not her ideal. I do ask if she wants to have lunch with us and join us to watch a film but she doesn’t want to.
It’s a tricky one. I even asked if she wanted to apply to a local supermarket but she doesn’t.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 01/04/2020 22:03

I even asked if she wanted to apply to a local supermarket but she doesn’t.

I wouldn’t give her the choice. She’s 19 and needs to contribute. Take back your laptop, it’s not hers even if a family laptop if she visits once a month normally.

heartsonacake · 01/04/2020 22:05

maybe we can ask her to [...] do an hour of lessons with the kids.

YABVU. She is not your babysitter, she doesn’t have to look after your kids if she doesn’t want to and she certainly shouldn’t be teaching them! They’re your kids, you’re responsible for them, you need to sort them.

She isn’t causing you any additional issues so I don’t see the problem here.

Starlight1243 · 01/04/2020 22:09

She could help around the house but babysitting urs a step too far it doesnt sound if you have that relationship with her to expect her to baby sit them let alone teach them lessons.

RonnieBarkingMad · 01/04/2020 22:11

So after college she travelled then came back to work (retail) to save to travel again. Didn’t have a job when this all kicked off so in limbo. This situation isn’t good for her getting a job and doesn’t look good for future travelling. She enjoyed going out with her friends and doesn’t have a boyfriend so I know it’s got to be crap for her.
So I get this is crap and not her ideal. I do ask if she wants to have lunch with us and join us to watch a film but she doesn’t want to.
It’s a tricky one. I even asked if she wanted to apply to a local supermarket but she doesn’t.

None of this matters. You have a laptop that you say she uses far too much. Take it away from her. It’s yours.

She doesn’t want to eat lunch or watch films with you. Who cares? She’s not bothered, so you shouldn’t be either.

She needs to get a job and contribute to rent assuming she is using water, electric, eating food etc. This is not a suggestion or friendly advice, it’s an ultimatum between that and getting kicked out of the property as per any other tenancy. Yes she’s family but she is not a charity you’re supporting.

Original poster
Quinnieq · 01/04/2020 22:12

Ok I won’t ask her to “do lessons”. What I meant was sit at the table with them and keep them focused, more about a different input to me doing it and quality time for them all. I definitely don’t expect her to be a teacher or anything, her decision to join us was at the eleventh hour so had already imagined it as me doing everything for the twins, and I know that’s my responsibility and that’s fine, I just hoped with her here there’d be more of an “in it together” mentality

OP posts:
formerbabe · 01/04/2020 22:15

Your children are your responsibility.

She should contribute in terms of household chores though, as all healthy able adults living in a home should.

Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 22:16

Poor twins not poor 19 yo!. Having a big dsis that doesn't want to spend time with them.
I hope you aren't cooking /washing for her op....

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/04/2020 22:18

But why did she decide to come to yours?

Newtothis2017 · 01/04/2020 22:19

I would give her a good talking to. She is either involved in family life or she goes to her mum. She needs to be part of the family and that means contributing. Playing with her little sisters and treating you with respect. There is no way my parents would gave put up with me behaving that way at any age

heartsonacake · 01/04/2020 22:19

Ok I won’t ask her to “do lessons”. What I meant was sit at the table with them and keep them focused, more about a different input to me doing it and quality time for them all.

That isn’t quality time, though. She’s not going to enjoy that and neither are they.

They’re 14 years younger than her. She’s not going to find much common ground with them and she won’t enjoy being forced to babysit them.

Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 22:22

Isn't sharing a df enough common ground?? My ds 18 adores ds 5 and they do loads together!. Different df's too..
She decided to stay - she needs to pitch in.
Or buggar off!!
Op you have enough on...

Nixen · 01/04/2020 22:23

Take your laptop back.
Your children are not her responsibility

Paintforkitchen · 01/04/2020 22:26

Raising an eyebrow at some of the answers on here. Why on earth should a 19yr old not be asked to look after her younger sisters for an hour a day?? I guarantee that if she was ops daughter as well she would be asked to do so and rightly so. All the people here saying she’s a child of the family treat her like one.... well that means helping out surely. She’s not working, hardly rushed off her feet doing anything at all. Helping out in this way is a totally reasonable request and I can’t believe anyone would think otherwise. No it might not be her idea if fun but there’s an awful lot of people having to do things they don’t really want to at the moment!

Original poster
Quinnieq · 01/04/2020 22:27

She and her mum argue quite a bit. And internet is apparently dodgy there. Maybe our house seemed more comfortable. They don’t have much of a garden, and we have supermarkets in walking distance, probably a Combination of those thing

OP posts:
Paintforkitchen · 01/04/2020 22:31

And to those saying ops daughters are not her responsibility, well no they’re not but then she’s hardly being asked to look after them for an excessive amount of time, an hour or two here and there is not breakfast - bedtime is it! At 19 and with no job she should be fully prepared to help out in some way.

nellythenarwhal · 01/04/2020 22:31

Does she have a laptop at her mum's house? I'd be looking at a way to pick it up so that your work can continue.

whateverhappenstheremore · 01/04/2020 22:32

Not her problem to look after your kids however the laptop is yours so you should ask for it back

formerbabe · 01/04/2020 22:32

Why on earth should a 19yr old not be asked to look after her younger sisters for an hour a day?? I guarantee that if she was ops daughter as well she would be asked to do so

I actually don't think parents should ever demand older siblings take care of younger ones. It's the parents choice to have more children and their responsibility.

BilboBercow · 01/04/2020 22:33

The laptop is the only issue. Tell her you need it for work.
I wouldn't be pushing her to get a supermarket job right now. You understand that's a significant risk to her health and your family's health?
As far as isolating in her room- let her get on with it. She's a teenager.

Triggahippy · 01/04/2020 22:34

She’s 19. Teenagers sleep late and have those habits. She should help around the house but tbh if she’s in her room she’s not making much mess. She should make a meal perhaps
Yabvu to expect her to babysit your children.

RonnieBarkingMad · 01/04/2020 22:36

She and her mum argue quite a bit. And internet is apparently dodgy there. Maybe our house seemed more comfortable. They don’t have much of a garden, and we have supermarkets in walking distance, probably a Combination of those thing

Wow, that just reads really nasty OP, sorry, it sounds vile and snobby. And you tried to dress it up as other sorts of problems when really it’s become clear that you just don’t like her (or at least like her living with you). So just say that.

Bluejuicyapple · 01/04/2020 22:37

Laptop - your for work, she can use her phone. The rest slices totally normal. I don’t think there should be an expectation to look after her sisters but keeping an eye while they watch tv is fine and help c them to do some school work if they are cooperative is fine. I often ask my 17 year old to supervise my 10 year old doing maths homework as he listens to him far better than he does to me with homework

Techway · 01/04/2020 22:38

Is she at college? Does she have a tablet or laptop at her mums?

I think if she doesn't live there often it will feel similar to a house share not home.

Will she go to Uni? If so invite her to help with cooking so that she learns new recipes. Given no one has the opportunity to leave I would proceed gently as everyone is living in a pressure situation.

Darbs76 · 01/04/2020 22:41

She sounds like a normal teen to me. They do sleep and are lazy, and with nothing to get up for at the moment... if you need your laptop for work purposes then let her know. Your DH will have to purchase one for her if she needs one. Most teens use their phones anyway so just let her know what time you will be needing it